Stay Until We Break (13 page)

In a rage, Jason dive-bombs off the table at Elliot and knocks right into Cole. Cole pulls him off of Elliot, grabs him by the shirt, and pins him to the dining room table. “And just who the fuck do you think you are, giving my wife cocaine while I’m in the next room?”

“Cole!” I gasp in surprise. I guess he was more pissed off about that than I thought.

“His wife?” Emmy says, turning to me.

I don’t even know what to say.

“I swear I didn’t know, dude,” Jason says, like he’s actually afraid of Cole, and I’ve never seen Jason afraid of anybody. “She didn’t tell me!”

Cole lets him up but two other guys rush in behind him. One of them yanks Cole back and shoves him into the crowd, where another guy almost twice his size grabs him. I start to run over to him when Travis blocks me and then pulls his Taekwando on one of the guys, flipping him right on his back while Emmy watches, appreciatively. Thank fucking God, Joey finally bursts through the crowd, pulls the guy off of Cole, and he’s in nothing but a pair of jeans. Not even shoes.

“What the fuck are you guys doing?” Joey yells over the fire alarm and the screaming.

“Getting our hair done,” Cole explains. “What the fuck does it look like?”

“The cops are in the lobby!” a guy in a blue mohawk sticks his head in the door from the hallway and warns. “Everybody run!”

The entire room makes a rush for the door and I panic a little because I’m afraid I’m about to be crushed. Cole shoves his way past several people to get to me. He takes me by the hand and pulls me with him through the crowd and out the door, with Emmy, Travis, and Joey and Crown the Robin trailing right behind us.

Sonia

In case you’re wondering by now if the road is magic, the answer is an unequivocal hell yes. Hell yes, it is.

Case in point: the largest full moon I’ve ever seen is hanging low in the sky over Center Hill Lake, which you can conveniently get to off of Interstate 40, about an hour outside of Nashville. That comes in handy when you’re running from the police, the Pumps, and a horde of irate hotel guests at two a.m. on a Wednesday morning in August.

By three thirty, I find myself sitting beneath that full moon with Cole, dabbing a paper towel damp with Bactine on a small cut next to his eye, now swollen and aching from the fist he hosted there back at the Sheraton. Even so, he looks beautiful to me, lounging in the moonlight, his long legs stretched out as he props himself up on his elbows and lets me tend to him. He’s still smiling even though I know it has to hurt. I lean over to wipe a spot of blood away from his scalp and feel his hand on the back of my neck. He pulls me right down on top of him and everything disappears inside the warmth of his mouth as he kisses me, soft, slow, and deep.

A few yards behind us, Elliot and Emmy are singing an extra slow, quiet duet of “Ring of Fire” while Anton strums quietly on the acoustic guitar. Crown the Robin pass what’s left of the Jägermeister around the campfire. We don’t even know whose it is—Anton just grabbed it from the Pumps’ hotel suite when we ran. As Cole kisses me I can hear the choir of them, Anton, Vincent, Elliot, Miles, Travis, and Emmy, all singing,
Down, down, down, as the flames went higher . . .
accompanied by Joey’s signature buzz saw snore soaring out into the night from the back of Steady Beth, where he passed out on the way here. Without his shirt
or
his only pair of shoes.

“At least he got laid tonight,” Emmy says, looking over her shoulder at the van behind her. She takes a swig off the bottle.

“The road will make him a man, yet,” Elliot says, stretching before the fire.

“Looks like it made a man out of Cole, too,” Emmy says, wagging her eyebrows at us. “Sunny, I can’t believe you and Cole got married before me and Travis.”

“Travis married us in the Motel 6 parking lot last night, remember? You were my maid of honor and everything.”

“Goddamn, I’m never drinking PBR again,” she says and makes a fake retching sound.

“Whoa, wait, did we miss an announcement?” Elliot says. “Emmylou, are you and Travis planning to get hitched, sweetheart?”

“No! That’s not what I meant . . .” Emmy says, laughing, but then she stops and I see a wistful look cross her face as she turns to Travis. “Is it?”

“Emmylou, are you saying you want to make an honest man of me?” Travis teases, and holy crow the way they look at each other is intense. Emmy’s face softens and my heart is racing because I can’t figure out how serious they are. I feel Cole’s hand gripping mine so hard, I think he might be just as nervous as I am.

“Oh my God, are you popping the question right here in front of all of us?” Miles says, completely delighted. “Somebody wake Joey up! Who has a video camera? Anton! Vincent?”

“Do it!” Elliot says. “Do it! Do it!”

“No!” I say. “Travis, how many shots of Jägermeister have you had?”

“Sunny, relax,” Cole says. “Trap knows what he’s doing.”

“I don’t know, does he?” Emmy asks, smiling at him.

“Come on,” Travis says, pulling Emmy to her feet. “Let’s take a walk.”

“Oh my God, oh my God,” Miles says. “He’s gonna do it. He’s gonna ask her.”

“This is the most romantic thing I’ve ever seen,” Elliot says, dreamily. “Look at how he looks at her.”

“He always looks at her like that,” I say, and then I realize, whoa. This could really be it—the moment Emmylou and Travis stop being kids. Holy shit.

Anton picks up the guitar and starts playing “Here Comes the Bride” as Emmy and Travis disappear down the campground path. I turn to look at Cole, who I realize is looking at me exactly the way Travis looks at Emmy. My heart pounds like it’s trying to break its way out of a prison cell.

“Come on, Mrs. McCormack,” he says, and the bars melt. He stands up and pulls me to my feet.

“Where are we going?” I ask.

The moonlight glints in his eye when he smiles at me.

“To find our moment,” he says.

***

There’s a spot somewhere on the north shore of Center Hill Lake that you can only get to by boat. I know this, because Cole loads me, our sleeping bags, and even our backpacks into one of the campground canoes, and paddles us by moonlight to some desolate spot of beach. When we get there, we spread our sleeping bags out and I try not to freak out, because I’m all but certain that sex is on his agenda. And I’m all for that, seriously, but the only other time I’ve had actual sex was last year, drunk in Red Five’s Betty Ford with Hank Hanley. So I’m not exactly experienced. By now, I’m so anxious that as soon as Cole stretches out on the ground I start to undress because I don’t even know how to act in a situation like this. I start to take my T-shirt off, lifting it as high as my bra when I feel his hand over mine, stopping me, and I freeze.

“Hey, hold on a sec,” he says, his eyes locked on mine.

“Oh God, I’m sorry,” I say, feeling absolutely stupid. “I thought . . . well, you know . . .”

“I’d like to do that myself,” he says. “If that’s okay.”

“Right now?”

Cole smiles like he’s trying not to laugh. He squeezes my hand.

“Come here, Sunshine,” he says, and draws me down to the sleeping bag with him. We lie back and watch the sky together, just holding hands until I finally start to relax. “Look at all those stars,” he says. “You’ll never see a sky like that in Jersey. I never knew a sky could even look like that.”

Personally, I think the stars are even bigger from the meadow behind our cottage in Vermont. But I don’t tell him that, because even I hate me for having a summer home in Vermont. I watch his face as he stares at the sky and I think can see all the stars in the galaxy right there in his eyes. He smiles at the moon, all relaxed and not nervous at all, like I am. He looks like I could have just dreamed him up here, and I feel so deep into some kind of alternate reality by now, I almost wonder if I have.

“Do you really think Travis is going to propose to Emmylou tonight?” I ask. “Or I guess Emmylou might do the proposing. I could see that going either way.”

“Travis won’t let her do that,” Cole says. “He’ll talk to her about it tonight and if she’s serious, he’ll look for a ring so he can propose to her later.”

“Wow,” I say. “So you think he really wants to marry her?”

“Yeah, I do,” Cole says. “Travis has been nuts for Emmy since he first laid eyes on her. Those two getting together was only a matter of time.”

“I know we’re adults, but I don’t know. Marriage? Seems so old to me.”

“Can’t stay a kid forever, Sunny,” he says, chewing on the end of a long piece of field grass.

“Well, look at Elliot and Miles—they’re rounding thirty, aren’t they?”

“Yeah, and they’re both married, sending money home to their wives when they tour, which can’t be much given what we’re making out here. I have no idea how they survive.”

“It seems so unfair,” I muse. “They’re easily as good as the Pumps and they work ten times as hard.”

“No, it’s not fair,” Cole says, sounding far away. “But then, it never is.”

We’re both quiet for a few minutes before Cole rolls onto his side and looks at me. I will never forget the way he looks this night, cast in that moonlight with the backdrop of the lake and the sound of the . . . what? Wait. What the hell is that? A sick animal? It sounds like . . . oh. Oh, Jesus Christ. Cole shakes his head and then huffs in frustration as we both hear it again, clearer this time as it gets louder.

“Ohhhhh, Trrraaaavissss. . . . Oh! . . . Oh! . . . Fucccckk!!!!!” Emmy is bellowing from somewhere in the campground, her voice echoing across the lake like a crime victim’s.

“Wow, maybe he did propose,” Cole says.

“I swear to God, if Emmy cock blocks me one more time, I’m going to swap her birth control pills out for Smarties,” I say, so frustrated I could choke. “So much for finding our moment.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” he says. “As long as you’re still breathing, there’s always another moment that comes along. Maybe an even better one.”

That makes me smile. And when I smile, so does he. Then he brushes his lips against mine, so gentle it’s like a breath, sweet against my lips. It makes me ache for him more with each soft touch of our lips, like a drowning girl begging for air. He nudges me to lie on my back and then hovers over me, kissing me so lightly it makes me wild, this slight taste when I want the full mouthful. By now I feel like I want to rip his clothes off and fuck him until he can’t walk. But it seems like all he wants is to lie here and kiss until he turns me into a raving madwoman.

“Cole?” I ask. “Don’t you want to do . . . well, more?”

“Are you kidding?” he says. “I want it all. Every last inch of you.”

“Okay, then are we going to . . .” I’m too awkward to even ask.

“Are we going to what?” He grins as he teases me. “Fuck?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m going to fuck you with my tongue,” he says. “How’s that sound?”

“I’m not sure, can you say it again?” I say. “Like fifty times?”

He raises his eyebrows and grins as he runs his hand up my leg until he reaches my underwear. I shiver when he rubs along the outside with his thumb, feeling how damp the fabric is before he twists them in his fingers, and pulls them down and off. When I think he’s about to put his head down between my legs, I go stiff, my stomach twists into knots, and I instinctively shrink back.

“Wait a sec, Cole?” I say.

He practically jumps off of me. “Shit, I’m sorry—I misunderstood. I thought . . .”

“No, no, it’s fine! I just feel like there’s something I should tell you first,” I say, trying to swallow my embarrassment.

“Oh, sure. Of course.” He sits next to me, and now I’m mad at myself for making any kind of deal out of this. “What is it?”

“I’m sorry—this is so dumb,” I say, my face in my hands because I can’t believe I’m now cock blocking myself. “I am so dumb.”

“Sonia, you’re not the least bit dumb. Don’t talk like that about my favorite person in the world, okay?”

“Me?” I say, sort of incredulous. “Your favorite person is me?”

“Of course it’s you,” he says. “Come on, isn’t that obvious?”

“You’re mine, too,” I whisper.

“Yeah?” he asks, all smiles as his eyes go soft and warm on me. “Is that what you wanted to tell me?”

“I just thought you should know, nobody has ever gone down on me before. That’s all. I’m a cunnilingus virgin.”

“Oh,” he says, and then he gets this crooked smile on his face. “Really?”

“Yeah. Nobody has ever offered to do that before you.”

“You say that like I’m doing you a favor,” he says. “I’m not offering, Sunny, I’m asking for permission.”

“Do you really want to?”

“Are you kidding? Of course I want to,” he says. “If you’re comfortable with it.”

“I . . .” I say. “I just worry about, you know.”

“About what? Like STDs and stuff?”

“God, no,” I say, and now I really do want to die. “I mean, oh Jesus. I’m so sorry.”

“No, it’s good to talk about this,” he says. “Don’t be sorry. It’s true I’ve been with other people, but I’ve always used protection. And if you want to know the truth, right before we left for tour I actually got tested, just to make sure. I wasn’t worried or anything, but I figured it would be a good idea.”

“Jesus Christ, Cole, I’m not worried you’re going to give me an STD,” I say. “See? This is why I drink. Exactly this reason. I think we should paddle to the camp bar to get me some vodka before this gets any more awkward.”

“Oh, come on, Sunshine,” he says. “The Sonia Grant I know and love would want all that on the table, and it wouldn’t be any big deal, either.”

I’m not sure, but I think Cole just said he loved me. Not, like, in a direct way. But he did put that word out there, in connection with me. My heart has actually stopped, along with my brain.

“What did you just say?” I whisper.

“You heard me.” He whispers it back. I lean my head against his shoulder as he holds me. I never want to get up or leave this spot or drive to the next town, play the next show. I want to sit and stay right here in Cole’s lap and have him keep telling me I’m his favorite person and that he knows and loves me. I wish he’d say it again.

“So if you’re not worried about herpes, then what is it?” he asks.

I swallow and take another breath. I’m not going to look him in the eye or anything because I can’t.

“I just worry about whether you’ll like doing it,” I say. “To me, I mean.”

“You’re worried about whether
I’ll
like it? Really?” he says. “Yes, Sonia, I will most definitely love doing it. I can promise you that. Without reservation.”

“Well you’ve never done it to
me
, so how do you know?” I ask.

Cole licks his bottom lip, sucks it over his teeth, and narrows his eyes at me. “Because all I can think about since the other night is how soon I’m going to be able to get my mouth on you.”

I gulp as I feel my face flush hot. “How’s now?” I say. “Does now work for you?”

“Yeah, now’s good,” he says.

His hands are warm as they move under my shirt before he pulls it up and off. I practically rip his shirt off of him and stare at his chest, all defined like he’s carved right out of my girlhood dreams. I kiss him just under his ear, and he groans, pulls me over his dick, and now I’m the wild animal, whimpering as I feel him there, and oh, I do want him to put his mouth on me. Maybe more than I’ve ever wanted anything. He unhooks my bra and slides it off, holding me to him as he turns and lays me down. He slides my skirt down my legs and off and then he kneels at my feet, staring at me, totally naked before him, until I feel my skin sing from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet.

“Cole?” I prop myself up on my elbows.

“Goddamn you’re beautiful, Sonia,” he says. “Like a dream.”

Of all the different ways this boy has undone me, this is the moment when I feel like I might break. I have to look away before I crack. When I look back, the slightest, sweetest smile is on his face.