Steal My Sunshine (22 page)

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Mum stand up and head down the front path.

‘Essie, I've got to go.'

‘You promised.'

‘I know.'

 

We didn't talk in the car on the way home. I tried to give Mum directions again but she told me she knew where she was going and sounded impatient. Maybe she'd only been humouring me before.

When she parked outside our house, she rested her head on the steering wheel and said, ‘Sorry, Hannah.' She peered at me. ‘I'm just so . . . angry.'

‘Do you hate Essie for what she did?'

She sighed and sat upright. ‘I wish it was that simple. It's not just what she did, is it? It's the whole mess. Who knows where I'd have ended up if she hadn't taken me? Maybe a really great family, maybe a horrible one. I can't imagine not having had my dad – or the man I thought was my dad. I tried to love Essie too, for years – even after I knew she wasn't my mum – but she wouldn't let me.'

Mum hunched over the steering wheel and began to sob.

‘She does love you, though, Mum,' I said, and tried to hold her.

‘The feelings between us are so tangled up I don't know what to do with them. I've tried to run away from her but I never get very far. What does that mean?'

‘I don't know, Mum.'

We stayed that way for a while, until Mum wiped her face and took a few deep breaths. Then I noticed Sam walking along the street. I watched him unlatch the gate. I saw him reach for his key and then the door opened and Dad was standing there. It was like watching a still frame, but they must have been talking. The next thing I knew Dad had his arms around Sam. He was patting his back the way men always do. And that's when I saw the whole picture at once.

‘I've got an idea, Mum. You're probably going to hate it.'

 

 

 

When we walked in, Dad and Sam were at the kitchen table having a beer. Dad stood up and looked awkward.

‘It's okay, sit,' said Mum. ‘Have a beer with your son.' She kissed the top of Sam's head and went to the fridge, took out the half-full bottle of wine that Angie had brought over a few days ago and grabbed two glasses. ‘Hannah and I will be in my room if you need us.'

Mum put her arm around me and as we walked down the hallway I looked back at the boys.

‘As I was saying,' said Dad, ‘I'm sorry for being a dickhead.'

‘I'm sorry for being a dickhead, too,' said Sam, and they clinked their stubbies. Maybe it could really be that simple, sometimes.

Dad knocked on Mum's door an hour later.

‘I'm off,' he said.

Mum smiled, just about, and nodded to me – a message that I should see Dad out.

At the front door Dad grabbed me in a bear hug before I could argue about it. Not that I would have. ‘Movies soon?' he said.

‘Okay. Are you taking your maps with you this time?'

We both looked along the wall.

‘Maybe just one. My hotel room is pretty soulless.'

I hooked it off the wall and handed it to him, all without crying. It was a small step, at least.

Mum popped her head around the bedroom door. ‘I'll call you tomorrow – there's something we need to discuss. A plan of Hannah's, in fact.'

‘Sounds intriguing,' said Dad. ‘Okay, call me anytime. You know where I am.'

After he'd gone, I made myself scarce while Mum talked to Sam. I knew she'd be telling him Essie's story and about my idea, and I thought it'd be better if I wasn't there. I wanted the plan to work, that was all.

When I came out of the shower, Sam was just going into his room.

‘Well?' I said. ‘Could it work?'

His frown said no. ‘It's all pretty messed up, Han. I'm still taking it in.' But then his eyes said something different. ‘I'll think about it, okay? No promises.'

For a while I listened to the sounds of Mum getting ready for bed. The swish of water in the basin, the clank of her toothbrush in the metal cup, the click of her bedroom door and then the muffled sound of a radio talk show she loved. It was comforting. I was suddenly grateful for the things that stayed the same even when everything else was tipped upside down.

That night I had a dream about Essie. In the dream she was fifteen and looked like me. We were on the beach, sitting back to back. Suddenly, she screamed, ‘My baby!', pointing frantically to a tiny body thrashing about in the waves. I ran into the ocean and swam as hard as I could, with the sound of her screams ringing in my ears. When I got to the baby, it was face down. I carried it out and lay it on the beach. When I looked over at Essie, and then down again to the baby, there was nothing but a dead bird.

Essie sat on the beach, her face grief-stricken. She smacked two stones together, harder and harder. Clack, clack, clack . . .

Knock, knock, knock. It was morning and someone was at my door. Scribble jammed his head into mine, purring.

‘Hannah?' Mum called through the door. ‘Phone.'

‘Yep, I'm up. Come in.'

Clutching a towel around her, Mum chucked the phone on my bed. She smiled and winked at me, and I wondered if that meant she'd thought more about my idea.

‘Hello?'

‘It's me.'

‘Hi, Chlo. What's up?'

‘I'm doing it.'

‘Doing what?' For a second I thought she'd actually phoned me during sex.

‘The thing for Essie.'

‘Don't be stupid, Chloe. Course you're not.' The heat from the bed evaporated as I ripped back the doona. My heart was thumping.

‘There's something you don't know,' she said. ‘Your grandmother needs us. Badly. It's a crime if we don't do it.'

‘Have you been back there?' I could see it now: Essie and Chloe in a smoky huddle, drinking gin and laughing about me.

‘She had no food in the house. I did some shopping for her. Someone had to.'

‘Chloe! She has nothing to do with you. Just leave it. You don't know what you're talking about.'

‘She doesn't belong to you, Hannah. She's a person in her own right, she's not just your grandmother. The world doesn't revolve around you.'

‘This is bullshit. Why are you even calling me to tell me this?'

There was silence for a moment.

‘Is Sam there?' she said.

‘I dunno, why do you care? Have you gone insane? You're not doing this, I won't let you.'

‘I'll tell you what's insane, Hannah: the thought of you stopping me from doing something. And by the way, I know about your sad little date with my brother.'

Chloe hung up.

I paced around my room, holding my head. The cat mewed. ‘Okay, Scribble! I know!'

I got dressed and hurried into the kitchen to get my keys and purse. Mum was peering into the fridge, humming a tune. There was already breakfast on the table and for once it looked like actual food.

‘Mum, this looks amazing, but I have to go. I'm really sorry.'

‘What's wrong? You look spooked. I made bacon!' Mum's face was different – brighter.

‘That's awesome, Mum. You enjoy it, okay? I'm just in a hurry.' When I'd taken control last night it had paid off, so there was no need to worry her now. Besides, there was no way I wanted to spoil her mood.

‘Your idea is a maybe,' she called out just as I was leaving.

‘Oh, wow, brilliant!'

‘I only said maybe.'

‘I'll see you later!' I ran down the hall. Sam was just coming out of his room, his hair sticking up like turkey feathers.

‘What's going on?' he said, bleary-eyed.

‘Nothing, just got to run.'

He grabbed my arm and whispered, ‘Is it Chloe?'

‘What? Do you know something?'

‘She called me. She sounded weird.'

‘Huh? Why would she call you?'

Mum appeared down the other end of the hall. ‘What are you two whispering about?'

‘I'm just driving Hannah somewhere,' said Sam.

 

My head was spinning. Sam was driving like a maniac and he still wouldn't tell me what was going on. We were stuck at some traffic lights and he was tapping his leg frantically.

‘I slept with her, Hannah.'

‘You did what?' One look at his expression and I knew it wasn't a joke. ‘Oh, come on. Please.' I started to laugh. Maybe a week ago it would have seemed like a big deal, but nothing could surprise me now. ‘When?'

‘She's been on at me for ages. But then it just kind of happened. It was a one-off.'

‘I don't believe it.'

‘Why are you smiling?' He was so wound up the car was swerving all over the place.

‘Watch the road. Just calm down.'

He let out a big puff of air. ‘I thought you'd lose it with me if I told you.'

I stared out the car window and then at him. ‘You can trust me, you know.'

He said nothing but that was okay.

‘Has she been hassling you?' I said.

‘We were idiots and she ended up having to take the morning-after pill. I felt bad, obviously, so I called her a few times. But then she expected more. She's so intense, Hannah. She keeps calling and asking all these questions about me, you, Mum, Dad, even Essie. I don't get her. She's like a virus, trying to get into everything.

‘That's why I didn't want you to go out with Evan. I was sure she'd put him up to it. She's a manipulator, I don't know why you can't see it.'

I felt sick. None of it made sense, except this little echo of hers inside my head saying ‘you don't know how lucky you are, Hannah'. What could she possibly want from us? I remembered the note on her desk: MAP – DO NOT FORGET. It wasn't a map, it was the morning-after pill.

‘Did she tell you what she was going to do?' I said.

‘Something to do with Essie. She was rambling on about babies. What the hell have you two been up to, going there all the time?'

I didn't need him to start lecturing me again. ‘Just drive, Sam.'

When we turned into Essie's street, I took a deep breath and told Sam to wait in the car. The chairs from the house across the road were in their usual position, but the fluorescent vests were gone. A couple of rough-looking skinny guys were arguing outside the house where the baby lived.

I crossed the road to Essie's side and tried to spy on them without drawing attention to myself. I caught snippets of what they were arguing about: numbers and ‘the stuff'. It wasn't rocket science.

I fished out the key from Essie's letterbox and let myself in. ‘Essie? Chloe?' There was a faint rasping sound, and I panicked. Essie looked frozen stiff in her chair but there was no sign of anyone else. Her eyes were full of fear and her breathing was shallow. I knew the reason she hadn't called out was because she couldn't. She wasn't tricking me now.

‘Essie, I'll get an ambulance.'

She closed her eyes briefly, and whispered, ‘Please. No.'

‘But, Essie . . .'

‘It passes,' she said. ‘Trust me.'

She was ill and desperate. Maybe she could be cunning, but I truly believed she loved me – us. Her story had made a complex web around our lives and, in some ways, we'd always be trapped by it – but I couldn't help but love her, too. She was unique and fascinating; a force.

I got an ashtray and gently took the cigarette from her fingers. It had burned right down, untouched, a leaning tower of ash. Essie seemed to breathe more easily now; she smoothed her hair and tried to sit up. Her eyes were no longer full of fear – she was so amazing that she could just blink away death for a while. She was still a fighter. She was still my grandmother.

‘Essie, let me help you.'

‘I'm sorry about what I asked you.' She squeezed my hand so tight; it was hard to believe she still had that much strength in her. ‘I didn't mean it.'

‘It's okay.'

‘Would you have done it?'

‘Essie . . .'

‘Chloe was here not long ago. I thought it was you at the door. She said you two had a fight. I shouldn't have told her everything, should I?'

‘Why did you, Essie?'

‘She reminded me of myself. It was stupid. She won't do it, will she? I don't want to get her into trouble. I'm really not evil, Hannah.' For the first time ever I saw a look of shame on Essie's face.

‘I know. It'll be fine.'

‘I'm just so tired, Hannah. Of all of it.'

‘We're going to look after you, Essie.' I didn't tell her any more about my idea – that was still in Mum's hands.

I left Essie's door on the latch. The two skinny guys were walking away with a woman. There was an empty pram out the front. I went down the path and pretended to look busy emptying out the menus and leaflets from Essie's letterbox. The sky was a nothing sort of grey and the heat a heavy blanket. I watched the woman look back at her house and wipe her forehead with the back of her hand, anxiously.

They turned the corner, and the door of her house opened. There was Chloe, holding a baby on her hip. I ran over and Sam got out of the car.

‘What's all this?' he said. ‘Chloe? What are you doing?' He looked at her as if she was holding a ticking bomb.

The baby, in a pink t-shirt and a nappy, sucked her dummy. She sniffed, rubbed her eyes and put her head on Chloe's shoulder.

‘She likes me.' Chloe smiled.

‘What are you doing in that woman's house?' I said.

‘She asked me in. Chill out. I'm doing everyone a favour.' She glanced at Sam and he shrugged dramatically. I still couldn't imagine the two of them.

‘Essie doesn't want this,' I said. ‘It's all finished now, Chlo. You need to stop getting involved.'

‘You're the one who asked me here in the first place. It's all the same with your family. One minute you need me, the next I'm getting in the way.' She looked so angry and hurt; I'd never seen her like that.