Steel & Ice (23 page)

“
Your heart is racing
again.”

I took a deep breath. I needed to be high,
to be numb. “Pack a bowl? It’s in the kitchen in the bottom
cabinet, far left. I’m going to wash my face.” I stood up on shaky
legs. J wrapped his giant hands around my waist, and led me to the
restroom. I turned and looked up to him. He looked concerned,
confused, and—ready to kill. I knew he wasn’t mad at me. He was, no
doubt, angry with whatever or whoever was in my dream. I grabbed
his shirt and pulled him down to me so I could kiss him. He was
gentle at first, but I needed more. I grabbed his hair and pulled
him closer to me.

“
Elle,” J mumbled between
kisses. “Are you OK?”

“
I need you closer,” I
rasped, pulling his shirt off. “I need your skin against mine.” I
pulled my shirt off. “I need—I need you, J.”

In a flurry of movements, clothes came off
and I was lifted on to the bathroom counter. I grabbed J’s erect
cock and pulled it towards me. I let out a long sigh as he filled
me up. Wrapping my legs around him, I pulled him as close to me as
possible. He put one arm under my ass and the other into my hair,
smashing his lips onto mine. This wasn’t slow and sensual
love-making. This wasn’t hard and carnal fucking. This was
something different. I didn’t have a descriptor for the way I was
pulling him into me, forcing him to pound into me without moving
too far apart. I wanted—no, I needed to feel all of him. I had my
legs locked around him in a vice grip, afraid to let go. I didn’t
want to think about anything from my past. Just now. This moment.
And J’s skin against mine. That’s all I wanted in my head. Our lips
stayed attached as he leaned back a bit, and put his hand that had
been gripping my ass in between us.

“
No space. No space between
us,” I panted. “I need—“ I was cut off as his hand found my clit,
and started rubbing it up and down. When he took my swollen nub
between his fingers and squeezed it, my orgasm hit me like a Mack
truck. There were no stars. No build up. Just POW! Like an old
episode of Batman. It was an explosion behind my eyes.

J took his hand from between us and brought
it to the side of my neck, his other hand still gripping my hair.
At some point our lips detached, but he didn’t stopped pumping into
me. We were once again skin to skin, as close as we could possibly
get without crawling inside each other. He cradled my head, and
brought his mouth to my ear, slowing his thrusts.

“
I know you don’t
need
me.” Thrust. “But I
will always.” Thrust. “Take care of you.” Thrust. “Always.” He
paused. “I’d kill for you, Elle.” After two more pounding drives
into me, he came, gasping my name. I could feel his cock swell
inside me and semen burst forth from it, filling me.

We were both breathing heavily. J had his
arms around me, his elbows at my back, his hands cradling my head
against his chest, cocooning me in him. With my legs around him and
his cock still inside me, I squeezed tighter. It was the only
response I had. There were no words for what just happened. He took
my pain and fear that I usually used marijuana to numb, and he used
his body to ease that fear and pain. I wasn’t numb. I was the
opposite. I was alive in every possible way, with his body wrapped
around mine.

He started to pull away. I held on, not
wanting to lose contact with an inch of his skin. He placed my arms
around his neck. “Hold onto me.” Like a little monkey, I clutched
onto him as tight as I could. He picked me up, and I heard the
water turn on in the bathtub. A few seconds later he stepped into
it, easing me down into the warm water. He slowly pulled out of me
as we descended into the tub.

Once we were immersed and the tub was full,
J reached around and turned off the water. I was still attached to
him, my legs around his waist and resting on his thighs, my arms
around his neck, and my head buried in the crook of his shoulder. I
took some deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out. I pulled back and brushed
my lips against his. Barely easing back a millimeter, I whispered,
“Thank you.”

“
Wanna tell me what that
dream was all about?”

I sighed. “It’s more than the dream, but
I’ll tell you.” I turned around so my back was to his front. He
draped his arms and legs over mine, cocooning me again, knowing I
needed it. I lay against him, feeling the rhythmic beat of his
heart against my back. I closed my eyes and let it soothe me. J
didn’t say anything, allowing me to collect my thoughts. After a
few minutes passed, I tilted my head back so J could press his lips
against mine.

Laying my head against his chest, pulling
his arms tighter around me, I told him the dream. “I have those
dreams sometimes. Just shit that happened when I was young and
dumb. Still learning the streets.” I left out the part about going
to the restaurant and Larry. I’m not sure why. I just ended the
story when I stopped crying and pulled back onto the road.

“
What did you do after you
started driving again? Where did you go?” Fuck. Of course he had to
ask. Why didn’t I want to tell him about Larry? It wasn’t Larry. I
just didn’t want him to think I couldn’t handle myself. That was a
long time ago. I barely had my license.

“
I never bought weed from
the fucker again.” I got out of the bath and handed J a towel. I
grabbed one for myself, and started drying off. “Are you hungry? I
have some pasta I brought home from work.”

“
No. I’m good.” J wasn’t
done with the conversation. I could tell. But I was
done.

I rummaged through my drawers for some track
pants and a tank. J retrieved his bag that he’d dropped by the
door, and followed me to my bedroom.

“
Thanks for the flowers.
They’re beautiful,” I said, wrapping my arms around him, and
looking into his dark eyes. “No one has ever sent me flowers,
especially to work. You had all the piglets up in a dither.” I
smiled up at him.

“
Piglets?”

“
The servers. That’s what
Aaron and I call them. They’re like little piglets running around
squealing. They squealed quite a bit when the flowers arrived. Even
more when they read the card. The piglets only get flowers at the
restaurant when their men fuck up.”

“
Elle, I don’t want to push
you but just so I know what we’re doing here? Are we starfishing
what just happened?”

As much as I wanted to turn to ice, I
couldn’t. What he did for me was… Fuck, I didn’t have a word for
it. He had managed to save me when I thought I would never need
saving again. He was melting more than my heart. He was melting the
ice I had so carefully frozen around my emotions.

“
Yeah. I wanna talk. Just,
give me a minute cuz there’s a lot I want to say.”

“
Do you want to smoke that
bowl still? Or just chill?”

“
You know, actually, let’s
hold off on the bowl. I’m going to open a bottle of wine. You want
some? It’s a Cabernet I think.” He nodded.

When we were both settled on the couch,
cozied up with our wine, I started spilling. “I’ll start with the
easy stuff. The flowers. I fucking loved them. No one has ever sent
me flowers, and the fact that you sent them to my work, making all
the little piglets jealous, was amazing.”

He smiled and laughed a little. “I’d be
lying if I said I wasn’t trying to make them jealous. But more so,
I wanted to make the guys in the kitchen know that you’re
mine.”

I kept going, ignoring the fact that none of
the guys saw them. I was totally starfishing that one, and I was
doing it on the DL. “And the token. Dude. Do you take lessons on
how to make a girl melt? It made sense to no one but me, which made
it even more special. Like, it was something secret between just
you and me. And I’m guessing you made the hole and strung it
yourself.” He nodded. He was good with his hands. In more ways than
one. “I love that you know I’m not a diamonds and pearls type of
gal, and I’ll totally wear the token. The shit you make me is
cooler than any jewelry you could buy me. So thank you.”

He didn’t need to say anything. He just
kissed me. I could feel the smile on his lips as they pressed
against mine. When he pulled away, I held out my empty glass for
him to refill. He grabbed the bottle off the coffee table and
topped us both off. Deep breaths, Elle.

“
I know we haven’t talked
about a lot of stuff. Stuff about ourselves. You pretty much just
witnessed one of those things. I fucked up a lot when I was younger
and running the streets. I got myself into a lot of bad situations
before I learned. I’m cautious and controlling of my life because
I’ve managed to not get raped or killed thus far, and I intend to
keep it that way.” I could feel him tense at my last sentence, but
I powered on. “You have somehow snuck into my life and started to
melt the glaciers that exist inside me. Glaciers that are my
protection from being hurt, physically or emotionally, cuz both
hurt like hell. It’s scary, this thing with me and you, but less
and less as time goes on. I like having you in my life. If anyone
asked I might deny it, but I missed you like crazy while you were
gone. I thought about you every other minute,” I
admitted.

“
And I you.”

“
And there goes a little
more melting inside of me.” I smiled at him. We were still at the
smiley part of this conversation. That was about to
change.

“
I also realized some things
while you were gone. I’m an observer. I observe everything, and
mentally file it. I can be weird about new places and people. Some
people think I’m distant, but I’m really just sizing people and
situations up before I let them into my world. So I’ve been
observing you for some time now. Fuck.” I looked at the ceiling. My
heart was pounding in my chest.
Man up,
Elle
. “The bike, the leather vest, which I
assume is your cut, St. Louis, the lack of an obvious day job. I’ve
noticed all those things.” I paused to gauge his reaction. None.
Fuckity fuck fuck.. He had a poker face as good, if not better,
than mine. “I want to know about these things as much as I
don’t
want to know.
That’s why I haven’t pushed. And you’ve starfished a few things
yourself. But I’m falling for you Bear Jesus Odell, in a way I’ve
never fallen before, and it scares me. The ice around my heart is
chipping away, and it terrifies me. Not like the dream, but like if
I let you in, I’m giving you the power to hurt me.”

“
I would never hurt you.” I
was lying in his arms facing away, but J turned me around so he
could face me. I looked at the couch. “Look at me Elle.” I kept
looking at the couch. “Elle.” His voice was soft, yet commanding.
He eased my chin up until I was forced to peer into his inky black
eyes. “I’m falling just as hard. You challenge me, excite me, make
me laugh, put me at ease. You are smart and kind. And damn, but you
can fuck.” He smiled at me. We wore matching grins, because that
boy could fuck too! “I was with someone before. She ripped my heart
out when I needed her most. So I know how it feels to guard your
heart. You covered yours in ice. I covered mine in steel. I told
you that you could break me. What it has taken for you to melt my
steel, is a hundred times greater than melting your ice. And you’ve
done it. When I’m with you, my heart is bare, raw, open. It
wouldn’t take much for you to rip it out if you chose.”

I shook my head. “I wouldn’t! I’ll protect
it.” I cried out, I was so adamant.

“
And I’ll protect yours. I
promise.” He leaned forward and pressed his Cabernet tasting lips
against mine. He lay his forehead against mine and sighed. “I know
you have more to say.”

At that, I too sighed. I did have more to
say. “Sometimes we promise things. And we mean it—or we mean it at
the time, but we inadvertently break those promises.” I paused.
That was about as vague as it got. But he waited for me in silence,
as if forcing me to elaborate. God, this sucked! “Are you part of a
Motor Cycle club in St Louis?”

“
Sorta.”

“
Is that why you were gone?
You were with them?”

“
Yes.”

“
You don’t wear your cut all
the time?”

“
No.”

Ok, we’re getting nowhere here. “I want to
know what’s up with all this, and at the same time I don’t. Cuz it
opens the possibility that you could somehow inadvertently break
your promise. You feel me?”

“
Yeah,” he replied on a long
exhale. He paused, thinking about how to explain, I assumed. “You
know I told you my mom cut out and my dad kinda became useless, so
my Gramps took care of me?”

“
Yeah.”

“
I loved Gramps. But I was
angry. Angry that my mom could leave her son, her family. I was
angry that my dad was always drunk and didn’t come home. And as
much as I loved Gramps, sometimes I felt like he was living in a
different era. His father had been a shaman, and he taught Gramps
about healing.” I nodded, letting him know I knew what a shaman
was. We had talked about them in my Anthropology class. They were
medicine men and spiritual guiders. “He told me all the stories
that were passed down through the generations. He told me I had a
destiny to fulfill. I was tired of being told what to be, while
watching Dad piss his life down the fucking gutter. I’d bought a
beat up bike and fixed it up to the point that it ran. Gramps and I
got into a big fight, and I took off on the bike to St. Louis. The
ride gave me time to think.” He paused, running his hand through
his dark hair. Silky strands of blackness fell right back into his
eyes. He needed a haircut and a shave, and it was sexy as all hell.
I was quiet, letting him gather his thoughts as he had done for me.
“I’ll skip the bullshit and get right to what matters. I didn’t
come right back home. I found a garage that specialized in
Harley’s. One of their men was locked up, so they were down a
mechanic. They looked at my bike, saw what I’d done to restore it,
and hired me on the spot. I did bitch work for a while. Oil
changes, cleaning up the garage, shit like that. But they saw I was
good. Word got around. This guy came in and asked me to look at his
bike. It was at his house and wasn’t running. He wanted to restore
it. I needed the money so I met up with him that evening. We talked
about the bike, drank some beers, and made plans for me to come
back later that week. I kept going back to his house to work on the
bike. I met a couple of his boys. I got along with them all. It’d
been a couple months, they’d been watching me, and they asked if I
wanted to be a part of Mayhem. I, like you,” he smiled at me, “am
an observer. I’d figured out they were an MC. The Missouri Mayhem.
St. Louis is their main chapter, and there is another one in Kansas
City now.”