Steel Rush (In the Shadows#5) (42 page)

Calder’s fingers tighten around mine. “Alana’s creating a special portfolio of all her work and has a section on her temporary tattoos. Now that Steel is done, I agreed to model for pictures. Not of my face, just my back. You mentioned wanting to take pictures and since this will be the last time I have Steel’s tattoos, do you still want to take photos?”

Jealousy surges in my chest, but I appreciate him telling me upfront about Alana, and also for remembering my wish to photograph him. I nod and try to keep my thoughts out of my response. “I would love that. Just let me know where and when.”

His fingers flex around my hands. “Tomorrow at my apartment. Come around four so you’ll still have daylight if you want.”

When he releases my hands, I feel suddenly adrift, like I’m no longer tethered to him. The feeling is so upsetting, I swallow and glance away.

“Cass, are you okay?”

Unsure where we stand, I force a smile. Even though Calder was dealing with his own issues today, he was sweet and supportive. Yet the heat that’s normally in his gaze when he looks at me was definitely subdued. I know that note he sent me said we’re fine, but I can’t help but wonder if what Jake said is affecting how Calder feels about us.

“I’m good. See you tomorrow,” I say and walk over to pick up my laptop.

“C
ome in and get set up,” Calder says, pulling his apartment door open. He’s bare-chested and barefooted, wearing nothing but a pair of well-worn faded blue jeans riding low on his hips.

I try not to stare at the black feathers standing out across his muscular shoulder and arm, but he’s just too beautiful not to admire, at least for a second or two.

“You coming in, Cass?” he asks, his light brown eyebrows elevated.

I clear my throat, clasping my camera bag strap tight. “Um yeah, where’s the best light?”

He gestures toward the window. “This is the best time of the day for it.”

Even though this shoot is highly personal, I go through the motions of setting up my tripod and adjusting for lighting like I would any other job. I even make Calder stand in a certain spot while I adjust my camera on the tripod to assure I’ll have the best angle and lighting. Shooing him away, I take out my other camera and check the lens for dust, then double-check that my settings are where I want them to be. After several minutes of deep concentration, I realize Calder hasn’t said a word.

I look up to see him leaning against the counter, watching me.

“What?”

He smiles. “Nothing. It’s interesting to watch you in your Raven persona. You’re so focused and intense. Are you ready for me?”

Unsure if that was a compliment or not, I lift my camera and gesture to the space I want him to stand in.

When Calder moves into place and reaches for the button on his pants, I lower my camera and frown. “What are you doing?”

He pauses with his pants halfway unzipped and I can see that his goody trail continues. He’s completely commando under his jeans. I grit my teeth. “You didn’t say you did a
nude
photo shoot with Alana.”

Calder unzips his pants completely. Stripping out of his jeans, he kicks them away and narrows his gaze. “You didn’t tell me you went for coffee with Ben either.”

How does he know that?
I hold my camera up. “I haven’t fucked Ben,” I say in a tight tone, snapping off a couple of test shots.

Calder folds his arms, muscles flexing against his chest. “I haven’t fucked Alana either.”

“I meant
ever
.” I lift the camera to my face to keep him from seeing how hurt I feel, but when I peer through the viewfinder and see he’s fully erect, my hands tremble. I have to grip the camera tight to keep it from shaking, but I manage to take a round of shots, keeping my attention from the waist up.

Calder lowers his arms, his green gaze peering directly at me through the lens. “Look at me, Cass.”

“I am,” I say, moving to take a couple of zoomed-in portrait shots. The softness in his eyes staring into my lens surprises me and I lower the camera.

“I didn’t model for her in the nude.” He spreads his arms, his chest and abs flexing. “This is for you and
only
you.”

My throat tightens and I nod my appreciation. “Can you turn around and bend your left arm toward your head?”

Calder turns and bends his arm up, flexing his bicep and the raven’s wing along with it.
Breathtaking. God, he really is a beautiful man
. I spend the next half hour taking shots of his back from every angle, making sure to capture those two perfect balls of muscle just below his waist. I want to cop a feel so bad my fingers tingle, but I force myself to stay focused on the shoot.

Raven would have kept on shooting for at least another hour, but after another flurry of shots, I set the camera down and walk up to run my hand over his tattoo. “It’s truly a work of art. I’m glad Alana will have it immortalized in her portfolio so it won’t disappear forever.”

When my fingers trail down his spine, then lightly slide over the curve of his ass, Calder inhales deeply and glances at me over his left shoulder, his eyebrow hiked. “What about you? Is Raven going to include Steel in her book?”

His comment sparks a thought and I run my other hand over his left shoulder, then down his bicep, flexing my fingers against the tattoo on his muscles. “I’ve had a hard time deciding on a cover that would encompass the heart of my book without having the exact same cityscape you always see on books about New York. My book is different. It deserves a unique cover. You just gave me the perfect idea.”

He turns around and spears his fingers under my hair, cupping the back of my neck. “I’m glad to be your inspiration.” His cocky smile turns my heart over as his gaze searches mine. “I’ve missed you, Cass. Your sweet smell and the feel of you against me.” Leaning close, he husks against my cheek, “But most especially your hands cupping my ass, pulling me deeper inside you.”

My breath hitches at the memories and I slide my arms around his waist, looking up at him. “I’ve missed you too. Did you finish looking at all the pictures?”

He folds his muscular arms around me, his erection pressing against my belly. “Yes, my parents’ home is now empty.”

I know putting the house on the market is part of his grieving process, but my chest still twinges. “It was your childhood home too. Do you plan to keep this apartment?”

Nodding, Calder kisses my forehead. “I’m going to need a place closer to the BLACK Security office, but yes this apartment will remain mine so I can help Gil with training as much as I can in my free time.” He pauses and cups my face. “Now that you’re done shooting, would you like to help me wash off the tattoo?”

I smile and press close, enjoying his warmth and the smell of spicy deodorant. I will miss the tattoo, but I’m glad that he’s shedding the loner part of his life and joining Sebastian’s business full time. “I would love that.”

Stepping back, he gestures to my clothes, heat simmering in his gaze. “Strip, Raven mine.”

He doesn’t have to ask me twice. I quickly unbutton my jeans and shimmy out of them along with my underwear, then slip off my sweater and bra.

Calder chuckles as he steps toward his record player and stacks the spindle several vinyls deep. “I think that might be a record, Cass. Maybe I should’ve offered to shower with you before now.”

“Are any of those from your dad’s collection?” I ignore his teasing. I’m too excited, remembering the first time I watched him wash his Steel tattoo away. I’d wanted so badly to be the one sliding my hands over his skin, helping him shed the dark persona. Now I get to.

“A few,” he says, testing the needle.

I grin and turn for the bathroom, saying over my shoulder, “Hurry up, slow poke.”

Foreigner’s “I Want to Know What Love Is” begins to play through the apartment speakers as Calder joins me in the small bathroom and flips on the shower.

Once he adjusts the temperature, he wraps his arms around my waist and walks us into the shower together. I know the hot water won’t wash away his tattoo, so I let the steam fill my senses and relax against his hard chest, enjoying the moment of being in his arms after so long.

As we stand there in silence, Calder hasn’t asked me about what Jake said, but it has to be bothering him. I know I would want to know the truth. Taking his arms, I wrap them around my breasts, then fold my hands over his. “I never told you the story about when I almost died.”

He stills, tensing against me. “When was this?”

“In college. That night I went to a nightclub with my girlfriends. We were partying, doing shots, and hanging out on the dance floor having a general good time. While each of my friends hooked up with guys they met there, I wasn’t interested. I did a few more shots and continued to dance.” I shrug, smirking. “It’s not like my hook-ups would lead to anything earth-shattering. The place was wall-to-wall packed. The last person I expected to run into on the dance floor was Jake.”

Calder exhales harshly. “You don’t have to tell me, Cass.”

I shake my head. “No, you should know what happened. Apparently Jake had just seen Celeste kissing her boyfriend near the bar. He was pissed as hell and also high. When he saw me, it’s like a switch flipped. He pushed me against the wall and said, ‘I can’t believe my luck. I need a release and here you are.’”

The shower washes away the tears as I recall my humiliation that night.

“He violated you on the dance floor?” Calder asks, his arms tightening around me.

“Yes and no,” I say, answering honestly.

Calder turns me around, his hard gaze grilling mine. “I don’t understand, Cass.”

I glance away. “He dry humped me against a wall, Calder, and I didn’t fight him.”

His fingers tighten around my arms. “Why?”

I look down at his chest, unable to meet his gaze. “I was drunk, and because the only time I’d ever climaxed was that night with him and Brent. It wasn’t what I wanted; I had no control over it back then, but since I hadn’t climaxed ever again, a twisted part of me had to know that I wasn’t completely dead inside.”

Calder lifts my chin. “Did you come?”

I sob. “I did, which told me that I was completely fucked up! Afterward, I was so appalled and disgusted with myself that I went back to my room and cut my wrists. I hadn’t done it in so long, and I was so upset. I accidently cut too deep and…I ended up in the hospital.” I exhale a shaky breath, relieved to have it out there, but worried what he’ll think of me.

Calder slides his hands in my wet hair and pulls me close. “That wasn’t something you could control. My guess is the reason you came was because strong emotion can stimulate a physical response...and fear is a powerful emotion.” Cupping my jaw, love and support reflects in his gaze. “I’m sorry for everything Jake put you through, Cass. I meant what I said when I sent you those roses. All that matters are
our
firsts.” Water pings off our faces as he stares into my eyes. “Do you believe me?”

The tightness in my chest eases and I nod. “Thank you for being the amazing man you are. I love you, Calder.”

Calder presses a tender kiss to my lips, then smiles. “Are you ready to wash Steel away?”

I nod and he hands me the special bottle of soap, then turns around.

Grinning, I squirt the strong citrusy soap on his shoulders and down his back, then giggle as I hand him the bottle to rub the soap against his skin and watch the ink slide away.