Still Into You (13 page)

Mia wouldn’t let the paparazzi ruin this day. She would still go for a run. After making her way inside, she changed into her running clothes, securing her iPod in its arm case. She headed out the back, sneaking down her alley to the lakefront, ecstatic that she gave the damn paparazzi the slip. Completely in a zone, not letting anything disturb her, not wanting to think, she just listened to music and ran.

Mia ran for a long time, about an hour, and as she walked back down her alley, her legs felt weak. She had pushed herself too far. After opening the large, black gate leading to her yard, she stepped through and went past the basketball court towards the patio. Lifting her foot to walk up the steps into her house, her jelly legs didn’t cooperate with her, causing her to trip and scrape her left knee on the concrete.

“Fuck!” Mia cursed, sitting down to check out the damage. She flinched when her fingers grazed the wound. A twenty-nine-year-old with a skinned knee that was bleeding all over. Entering her house to get a paper towel to stop the bleeding, she didn’t even know if she had any bandages.

“Today just sucks!” she announced to no one. Her house had it in for her.

Checking the kitchen and the main floor bathroom for bandages, she found nothing. Maybe her master bathroom would have some.

“Why did I buy a three-story house?” she said to herself as she hobbled up the stairs to her bedroom.

She decided to take a quick shower after finding some little girl bandages leftover from when Kaitlyn visited her last.

“Whatever!” Mia bellowed as she affixed a couple pink bandages to her skinned knee and then went about getting dressed. She threw on a pair of old sweats in case the blood soaked through the bandages, as well as a tight Cubs T-shirt.

Heading back to her bedroom, she situated herself on the chaise lounge by the fireplace. As she rested her head back, her phone beeped. With a sigh, she rose from the comfortable seat and grabbed the phone from the nightstand.

Mia smiled in surprise when she saw a text from Ethan. She opened it up and saw only a text heart,
<3.

Returning to the chair, she stared at the text and smiled so wide her face ached. She sighed happily—a heart. Despite breaking their engagement, he’d still sent her that.

That had been one of the hardest things Mia had ever done. It had been two weeks since she last spoke to him—or really thought about him. She’d been going with the ignore-it game plan because whenever he crossed her mind, she hurt. And she didn’t want to hurt anymore.

But this . . . she didn’t want to ignore this. Pulling up the keyboard, she tapped out a reply to him.

Ethan

April 4, 2008, 726 PM

Is that all I get?

She held her phone in her hand, hoping for an immediate reply, which she got.

I gave you my heart . . . what else?

Running her hand through her hair, Mia re-read the text. Knowing that she broke that heart made her uncomfortable. It hurt. That even after all that pain and drama, he was still willing to give her his heart. She needed to lighten the mood or they wouldn’t be talking very long.

I was just looking for a ‘Hi. How are you?’ But I’ll keep the heart. Thank you.

Oh . . . I was getting to that. Hi . . . how have you been?

Hi. :) I was in need of your text tonight.

. . . . . .

Is that code for me to elaborate?

Yes

Well, it’s just been an all-around bad day.

Tell me about it.

She could hear him say that to her, his sexy accent all empathetic. He’d probably take her hand as she talked, calming her with his errant thumb caressing hers.

Well, first off, I tripped after I got out of bed.

Ouch. You okay? (totally laughing)

LOL. Yes! Just fell into the chair on my side of the bed.

What did you trip over?

Uh . . .

Yes?

Mia was totally embarrassed to admit what happened. Her cheeks flushed and he wasn’t even here. Not able to even type it, she snapped a picture of her guitar on the floor by the chair and sent it to him.

You didn’t see that?

No. It was dark.

I seriously doubt that. 29-yr-old with a night light.

Good point, Ethan, she thought to herself.

LOL! OK, so it wasn’t dark . . . I was just super sleepy.

Why were you so tired?

I haven’t been sleeping very well.

Why?

Because I can’t seem to shut off my brain when I lay down in bed.

You should do something to relax before you go to bed.

Like?

She knew one thing that always relaxed her, but the man who normally provided her with that was a couple hundred miles away. And why was he taking so long to text back?

Self-soothe?

She stared at his text and blushed. Self-soothe . . . did he mean what she thought he meant?

That’s never been my strong suit.

No?

Uh . . . no.

Is this self-soothing talk making you uncomfortable?

No.

Liar.

Hush, you!

Haha!

Still can’t believe you didn’t see the guitar.

I think my eyesight may be pretty bad actually.

Well . . . they have these people called optometrists. You should go to one.

Maybe you’re right.

It’s been known to happen.

So what else happened?

Uh, well, I went for a run along the lakefront. And as I was trying to be sneaky coming in the back, I fell going up the patio steps. I scraped my knee. Lots of blood. :(

Aww. Kisses it.

:) thank you

Why were you being sneaky?

Uh, let me show you.

She walked to the window and took a picture of the paparazzi camped outside of her house and sent it to him. Their numbers increased as the day went on. Probably waiting for her to go out on a Friday night.
Sorry, fellas. Totally lame rock star here.

Oh damn! Really? How long have they been there?

Basically since I’ve been back. I need a break from them.

I can imagine.

She had an insane desire to hear his voice. Needed it like air. Hell, she just needed him. But . . . and there it was, the but. She needed to face her miserable childhood, but Mia was far from ready and didn’t know when she would be either. So in the meantime, she wanted to talk to him, hear his soothing voice. With an exhale, she decided to test the waters.

Are you able to talk or . . .

And not long after sending her text, her phone started to ring. Mia picked it up and answered it.

“Hi,” she said, her face flushed with happiness.

“Hi,” Ethan said, his usually faint Southern drawl surprisingly strong. He sounded so good. Ever since that night in Amsterdam, when he told her over Skype what he wanted to do to her, she had a greater appreciation for just how sexy and completely masculine his voice was.

“Why didn’t you call in the first place?”

“I didn’t want to intrude.”

“Ethan, that’ll never be the case!”

His sigh hit her ear and she frowned. In her mind, she saw him running his hand through his hair, frustrated.

All because of her.

“I don’t know the rules for this,” he admitted.

“Neither do I.”

“Mia . . .” he paused, silent for a moment. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what you want. I don’t know how I’m supposed to act. I mean, can I tell you I miss you?”

“Yes.” His admission had tears rushing to her eyes. She missed him too.

“What about that I miss sleeping next to you?”

She swallowed, her teeth skimming her bottom lip. She missed that too. “You can.”

“Can I tell you that I miss sex with you? That I miss the feel of your body against mine? The warmth when I’m inside of you? The way you always rest your hand above my heart after we’re done?”

Her tears came faster now. With a tremulous breath, she answered him. “You can.”

“Am I supposed to cut you out of my life? Is that what I’m supposed to do? Is that what you wanted?”

“No!” she exclaimed, scared. She wanted him to move on, to not wait for her. But to cut her out of his life completely—no. That was something she did not want.

“I couldn’t do that anyway. I love you too much,” he said, his voice thick and unsteady. He exhaled shakily.

“I love you, too,” she said, her voice cracking, tears slipping from her eyes, splashing on her bare arm.

“So, I don’t get it then, Mia. We love each other! I don’t understand why we’re apart. I don’t know why we’re doing this. I hear your tears and it kills me that I am not there with you. I belong with you. Don’t you get that? Don’t you see it?”

She didn’t know what to say to that. Here he was, declaring he still loved her and wanted to be with her, but what her parents put her through still chained her down. She needed to figure out how to cut the chain. Only then could she give all of herself to Ethan—like he deserved.

Wiping the tears from her eyes in frustration, she sniffled as they remained quiet, each in their own thoughts.

“Mia, I’m sorry I laid out all my frustration on you.”

She shook her head. “No. You are entitled to it. I needed to hear it as a reminder.”

“We really do belong together, you know,” he reminded her.

“I know,” she replied, chucking at the lightness in his voice.

“You know,” he said and she smiled hearing the happiness there, thankful that she could give him something, because it seemed as of late all she could do was the opposite. She wanted to get back to the time when all she saw on his face was a smile. But first, there were things she had to do.

“Please. Just give me some time.”

The line was silent for a minute and she could sense his frustration over the phone. He was completely in the dark. She knew he needed something from her.

“Have you thought about talking to me?” he asked, breaking the silence.

She smiled sadly, knowing he was right. She was afraid to even broach the topic. It scared her that much. That’s why she drowned it out. To remember that you weren’t wanted, weren’t loved. To grow up starved for affection and doing anything to get it.

“Ethan, my family—” Without warning, her body started to tremble and she drew in a deep breath. “I’ve tried to tell you so many times, but I can never get it out. It’s like my body fights it,” she said anxiously, a tsunami wave of apprehension sweeping through her body. Her heart beat faster and harder and her breathing followed suit. Mia knew what was happening but she couldn’t fight; it gripped her so hard.

Panic.

Dropping the phone, she cradled her head in her hands and began to rock. He yelled her name, but she couldn’t stop. Her breathing was loud and ragged. She needed to regain control. It took some effort to even attempt it. She needed to fight the panic seizing her body. She tried to right her breathing by forcing deep breaths, focusing on them, one after another, until her pulse got slower and her shaking started to subside. Sometimes, trying to focus on her breathing backfired and the panic took over for a while. Luckily, this time it wasn’t that bad.

She hadn’t had a panic attack since meeting Ethan, but that changed the night before she left to go on tour and had continued to occur more frequently.

“Fuck!” she exclaimed, her voice still shaky.

“Mia!” came the muffled shout from her phone. On her hands and knees, she scrambled for it.

“I’m sorry,” she said, leaning back against the chair.

“What happened?” he asked. He sounded worried. She heard fear.

“I had an attack,” she said softly, a bit embarrassed. No one knew about these.

“What kind of attack, suga?” he asked, his voice clearly tinged with concern. She smiled sadly and swallowed the lump in her throat. He called her suga.

“A panic attack.” There, she said it, and she was surprised that she felt relief.

“Really?”

“Yeah . . .”

“Why?”

“Thinking about it.”

“Do these happen a lot?”

“Now. Yeah.”

“When did they start?”

“At the start of the tour,” she admitted.

“Oh, Mia. Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked, his voice filled with anguish. She sighed, closing her eyes, and told him the truth.

“Because I didn’t want you to worry. It was bad enough to see you sad. With everything else going on, your season . . . I didn’t want to give you anything else to worry about. So I smiled.”

“As much as I love your smile, don’t do that again. Talk to me. I can handle it, Mia. I can help,” he implored. “Even if to just listen. I can do that. I’ve had lots of practice with your blabber mouth.”

A chuckle escaped her mouth and she shook her head. It amazed her how easily he could make her laugh.

“You are such a wonderful person, Ethan.”

“I know.”

“You know,” she smiled tenderly.

“Talk to me, suga.”

“I thought that’s what I’ve been doing.”

“Mia.”

“Ethan,” she spoke his name in the same tone as his.

“Mia,” he repeated seriously.

She exhaled loudly.
Let’s try this again,
she thought.
Give him something. You can do that. It’s just Ethan. He loves you. Trust that.

“I was just a little girl when it happened and it left such a mess in my life, affecting the way I think, the way I act, the way I love and trust. I grew up knowing that those who were supposed to love you the most would be the ones who would hurt you the most. A fact that I constantly and proactively protect myself from. I don’t trust easily. I don’t let people get that close. I hold back because I don’t want to deal with the pain that I know will come. I’ve tried to ignore the pain, but when that becomes impossible, I start to drown it out.”

She sighed thinking of all the times over the past decade that she had turned to drugs and alcohol to escape the pain, the hurt, the loneliness. In all that time, Mia never felt as lost as she felt right now.

“I still want to drown it out, Ethan. I hate these panic attacks. I fear them,” she quietly confessed, holding the phone between her shoulder and ear. While fidgeting with her nail polish, she waited with bated breath for Ethan to say something.