Still Surviving (17 page)

The world was spinning, and I needed to close my eyes in order to place everything back on its axis. But each time I endeavored to pull my shit together, I’d see snaps of them together and I couldn’t take it. I managed to open my car door and let my body fall into the front seat. I took a long swig off my bottle of water, swishing and spiting away the rancid taste in my mouth onto the asphalt. I shut the door and started the car.

I flipped on the air conditioner and rolled down the windows to help relieve the feeling of claustrophobia that was now beginning to snake its way around my lungs. Every last part of me wanted to run full stop into that fucking place, rip that shithead’s throat out, and bring Tiffany home with me. I backed out of the parking spot before I did something stupid, something that would land my ass in jail… again.

I’d go home, drink till I was numb, drink till I could no longer see his hands holding her down, his mouth tasting what I longed to have, her voice calling his name instead of mine. My stomach turned again, and I pressed down on the accelerator running a red light.

The heaviness in my chest grew with every mile I put between Tiffany and me. The further away I got, the more his poisoned images faded, but the guilt for leaving her behind built. I’d left her there… alone.
Shit.
I was such an idiot.

I pulled over to the side of the road and pulled out my phone.

Me:
If he hurts you, I’ll fucking murder him.

My phone rang and Tiffany’s face stared at me from the screen. I hurriedly hit the call button. “Are you okay?”

“Yes. I’m almost home. I’m sorry he said those things to you. He shouldn’t have.” She sounded weak.

“You heard?”

The line was quiet except for her breathing.

“No. He told me what he said. Please don’t think less of me.” I heard her sob quietly through the phone.

“I don’t. I wouldn’t.” After everything I told her tonight, how could she think that? “I don’t fucking like it, I hate that he—“

“Don’t, don’t do that to yourself. It’s done. I’m not something he can put in a cage. No one, no one owns me anymore.” She sniffled, and I smiled.

“There’s my tough girl.”

“He’s an asshole. I can’t believe—“

“Don’t do that to yourself.” I repeated the sentiment she’d just said to me. “It’s done then?”

“I told him it’s over, and he didn’t even seem to care.”

“You need me to come by?” I silently prayed for a yes.

“No. I just want to go to sleep. I just pulled up to my place. Can I see you tomorrow?”

“Of course. I’ll be the handsome one at the end of the bar.” I tried to infuse as much humor in my voice as possible… for her… always for her.

She laughed softly through the phone. “Night, Seth.”

“Night, Angel.”

Her picture faded and the screen turned black.

My palms scrubbed down my face as I let the reality of this entire crazy ass night sink in. Scott’s words and the images he forced me to see would have to stay back on the asphalt with my puke.

Tiffany knew my past, and I knew hers… there was nothing we could do to change our histories. All I was concerned about right now was my future, and, now when I closed my eyes, when I took in that cool night air to calm my mind, all I could see… was her.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

Tiffany

T
HE WARM GLOW OF
my bedside lamp pooled along the ceiling of my room. This night was such a cluster fuck. My eyes felt heavy and all I wanted to do was sleep, but all I could think about was Seth. About how his strong body had held Scott against the mirror in the shop. I’d heard every word Scott had said to him. I didn’t like lying to Seth, but for some reason, I didn’t want him to know that I saw him lose control… for me. I only chose to intervene when I thought that asshole was getting an upper hand on Seth. My eyes popped open at the thought. I’d never be able to live with myself if Seth got hurt defending me.

After Seth left, Scott tried to apologize, tried to smooth his way back into my pants. When I told him he didn’t own me, or my lady parts, I thought for a split second he was going to hit me. The color in his eyes had dimmed, and his upper lip had spread tightly across his teeth. His fingers seemed to twitch while he tried to control his obvious rage. I didn’t trust him, and I told him so. I told him he had lost his chance at being with me — told him that I didn’t deserve such disrespect, and neither did Seth. Scott wouldn’t make eye contact with me as I tried to say good-bye. He just stared at the wall without a sound.

Thinking back on our very short-lived relationship, I gave him more chances then he deserved, and I was now internally berating myself for letting someone like him in again. I wanted to scrub him off my body and out of my mind. I turned my head to see the time on the clock. It was past three in the morning… too late for a shower. Tomorrow was another day, so I let myself relax and I shut my eyes.

Seth’s blue eyes were all I could see as I fell asleep.
“I have this need to make you feel everything all at once till you can’t take it, till you can’t feel anything but me.”
His words ran through my head — his voice soft, deep, and soothing in my ear. He was right, there was no denying our pull, and I couldn’t wait for him to make me feel again. But I didn’t need everything… I just needed him.

T
HE BAR WAS DEAD
. The night was dragging by at a glacier pace when Seth finally arrived. It was Lily’s night off and she and I had made plans to hang out after work. Apparently, she had some news she wanted to share and needed a girl’s night. Frank gave Todd permission to close at midnight tonight since this was the bar’s deadest night of the week. It wasn’t hard to tell seeing as there were literally two customers in the bar, and one of them had just walked in the door — a hot as hell guy in a gray suit with a pink tie. Seth beamed at me as he strolled ever so casually to his favorite stool.

“Jameson… neat.” He beamed, and I gulped. “You all right, Tiff?” He chuckled as he peeled off his suit jacket and hung it gently on the back of the chair. I should have been pouring his drink. I should have been grabbing that bottle of Irish whiskey this very second, but I was too busy drooling over this beautiful man. He rolled up the sleeves of his white button down, exposing those delicious forearms of his. I watched as his tattooed fingers deftly loosened his tie. Tattoos and ties shouldn’t go together, but Seth more than pulled it off. He scooted the bar stool forward and ran his hand through his dark hair.

“Long day?” I was finally able to speak. His smile was killing me slowly.

“Shit yes. This account is going to drive me fucking crazy.” He picked at the black napkin I’d placed in front of him. “It’s worth it though. If I land this account, I can leave my dad’s firm guilt free.”

“Guilt free?” I asked as I poured his drink and set it in front of him.

He glanced up from the bar, meeting my curious stare. “If I can get this account, I’d set up my dad and his partner for life, and have enough money to do what the hell I want.”

He swallowed down a sip of his drink letting a small groan escape his lips, effectively setting me on fire. I bit down on my bottom lip and his perceptive eyes caught the movement. His attention lingered on my mouth as he licked the whiskey from his lips. That irresistible attraction was always there… always making it hard for me to breath… always soaking me in heat, and the burn of it was so welcome after being left in the shadow for so long.

“I love it when you look at me like that.” The true statement fell out of my dumb mouth before I could stop it.

“I could say the same to you.” His smile was slow motion perfection.

I shook my head and smirked.

“If you want to leave, you can.” Michelle, one of the other bartenders, offered startling me in the process.

“Shit. Don’t sneak up on me.” I laughed.

“Sorry, Tiff. Get outta here. You going to Lily’s still?” Michelle wiped down the back counter as she spoke.

“Yeah. You sure it’s okay?”

“Jo and I got this. I know we’re new and all, but I think we can handle all this.” She motioned her arm dramatically toward the empty bar.

“You headed to my place?” I didn’t miss the nervous tone in his voice.

“Yes, we’re having a much needed girl’s night. Don’t worry, I won’t invade your personal space.” I crossed my arms and cocked my right eyebrow trying to lighten his mood.

“You’re not sleeping there, are you?” His jaw tightened and my stomach knotted. Why was this freaking him out?

“What if I was?” I challenged.

“Tiffany?” He gave me a reproving glare.

“Seth?” I answered with a bit of spark.

He leaned across the bar and lightly pushed my hair over my shoulder, exposing my ear. He leaned in further, and I did as well. His lips fluttered against my ear sending goose bumps down my neck as he whispered, “Having you a room away from me would make me crazy, and I think… no, I know, I wouldn’t be able to allow it. When you sleep over, Angel… it will be in my room… in my bed. Another first. I want you to have all my firsts.” He pulled away, and my limbs felt weak… my head was fuzzy.

I wanted every first he had to offer.

He sat back, his commanding stare appraised me, and I felt bare in the best of ways. It felt as if he had stripped me down, and there was no way I could hide the blush that was heating my cheeks.

“No sleepovers.” My fingers anxiously fumbled with the hem of my shirt.

“Not yet,” he said with a warm smile, and I reciprocated.

Not yet.
“You have plans tonight?” I asked, hoping he’d say no, hoping he’d be home early and crash our girl’s night.

“Not really, I’ll probably hang here for a bit, hang with Todd. I wanted to go into the studio tonight, work on some things. Will you be over late?” His fingers traced the rim of his drink glass.

“Probably.”

“I hope so.” He stood and drank down the rest of his drink. “See you in a few.” He grabbed his jacket off the stool before he turned and headed for the back offices.

Seth was finally making his move; he was finally letting “us” happen. My lips spread into a huge, love sick smile. I closed my eyes and thanked whoever sent this wonderful man to me. I’d like to think it was Anna. I’d like to think she knew my heart, could see my soul, and sent him to me… sent me my match.

“
Y
OU’RE PREGNANT?
H
OLY SHIT
L
ILY
!” I was sure my heart just fell into my stomach. I’d been over here for a while, and I couldn’t believe she had waited this long to tell me.

Lily’s eyes, an odd mix of green and yellow, filled with tears, making them glitter. She couldn’t have looked more beautiful. “Holy shit is right.” She coughed out a laugh.

“What does Todd think?” Todd was probably ecstatic. I’d never met a more loyal person than Todd. He was a great father already and he loved Lily, he loved Lily so much. Love like that — the love of a man like Todd — was such a hard thing to find, and Lily flourished under his light.

“He’s so proud. Tiffany, he’s just…” She sniffed and wiped at the tears that had fallen down her cheeks. “…you know how he is. So positive. He said he’d marry me if that’s what I wanted.”

“Is that what you want?”

The room was silent. We were sitting on the couch; the quiet hum of the television was muted by the intense bubble Lily and I were sitting in. “He’s all I want. I would have married him the minute he showed up at that bar in Florida.”

“So what’s the problem?” I was confused.

“What if I’m like
her,
Tiff? This feels so much like
her
.” Lily’s hands trembled against her lap.

“Your mom?” Pam, Lily’s mother, had gotten knocked up with her at a young age, too. Pam couldn’t deal with being a mother, being stuck in a relationship that she didn’t want, so she abandoned Lily and her father.

“Yes, what if I freak out, run… like she did?” The water spilled over her lids faster, and I pulled her into a hug.