Still Waters (8 page)

Crew

“Did
you see that?” I say to Jake after we’ve watched the girls drive away.

“See
what?”

He shuts the door and slides the deadbolt into
place.

“Come
on man, you saw it. What’s the deal with her?”

Jake turns around and gives me a look.

“Eleanor
is just looking out for her friend.”

At least he has the decency to look a little
apologetic when he says it.

“What’s
that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing.
It means nothing. She’s Hartley’s best friend, so she’s going to be a little
protective. That’s all.”

“Nope,”
I shake my head, “that’s not it. I saw the look on her face when I walked out
of the back room tonight. Then when Hart and I climbed out from under the
blankets, she completely changed as soon as she saw me. The second she saw my
face she looked angry.”

He
runs his hands through his hair and groans in frustration.

“Dude,
I really don’t want to get into this with you tonight. Can we just get out of
here? There’s only a few hours until I’ve got to be back here, opening up
again.”

I
know he’s just stating a fact, but it still kicks me in the guts. Jake and I
both know that he should be doing a lot more with his life than serving up ice
creams in his old man’s shop. He looks over at me and sighs.

“Listen,
man, I didn’t mean it that way.”

I
try to shake it off, but it’s too late. The dark, sick feeling is already
winding its way through my belly.

“We
can talk about what happened, you know. It might help you.”

“I
don’t need to talk about it. What does Eleanor know about me?”

I
try to think back to whether I saw her in high school or around Twin Heads but
then I realize that if she’s anything like Hartley, she would have graduated high
school and been long gone by the time I would have paid any attention to her.

“Man,
how long are you going to keep living like this? Isn’t almost eight years long
enough?”

He
walks past me on his way to the counter, collecting candles as he goes.

“I’ve
been seeing a therapist since the week after it happened, man. I’m down to once
a month now but when Mom dies, I’ll be back to weekly appointments again.”

He
says it calmly, like he’s resigned himself to the reality of what’s happened in
his past and what’s looming in his future.

“It’s
really helped Crew. You need to talk to someone. You’re missing out on your own
life.”

He
locks the cash register with a key and flicks off the last light so that we’re
facing each other in the dark.

“What
does Eleanor know about me?” I ask again.

“She
knows everything.”

Jake
scoops up his keys and walks through the back room to the door. I follow him,
making my way past boxes and cleaning buckets and the enormous freezer full of
ice cream that tortured Jake and me when we were boys. I’m confused because my
normal reaction to news like this would be to punch a hole in something, or at
least take off and drink myself to oblivion. But right now, all I feel is sad.

Jake
opens the door, and we both walk out into the night. The storm has passed but
the car park is flooded and ahead of us on the beach I can hear the waves
beating the shit out of the shore. Halfway to Jake’s truck he stops walking.
I’m behind him, and I can see that he’s dropped his head, and he’s taking big
breaths. I hope to God that he’s not crying.

“Ok,
listen,” he says as he turns around and looks at me. “I’ve let you do your own
thing for nearly eight years. I didn’t say anything when you skipped town
without telling anyone, and I left you alone when you were fucking every girl
you met. I even defended you when you took off from my parent’s house and
didn’t even tell my mom you were leaving. But this is bullshit, Crew. This is
going to stop tonight.”

I’ve
never seen Jake angry like this before. He was always the one who charmed our
parents into giving us a lighter punishment or talked me out of trouble with the
teachers in school, or later, stopped me from killing someone who looked at me
the wrong way in a bar. His jaw is clenched, and he’s pushed his shoulders back
like he’s ready for a fight. I realize that if Jake decides to take me on,
there’s a very good chance I won’t win.

“Don’t
you think I miss her too you asshole?” he growls. “She was my fucking twin
sister! You don’t get to be the only one who’s messed up over losing her.”

I
don’t want to talk about this. I look at his truck and then around at the empty
car park. I wish I’d brought my Jeep. He sees me and shakes his head.

“You’re
not taking off his time. We’re going to talk about her. I
need
to talk about her.”

The
fight has gone out of him, and all that’s left is sadness and a kind of
desperation that’s so raw I have to look away. We get in the truck, and he
doesn’t make any move to start the engine.

“Crew,
you’re the closest thing I’ve got to a sibling now. I hate seeing you destroy
yourself like this. My family has moved on. You need to, too.”

“I
can’t,” I whisper. I can see the piles of blankets that Hartley and I used to
make the cubby house through The Sea Shack’s windows. “I don’t know how.”

Next
to me, Jake sighs heavily and puts the key in the ignition. The truck’s engine
grumbles and splutters before coming to life. He pulls out of the car park
slowly and turns left, in the opposite direction of my house. A minute later
we’ve pulled up outside Hartley’s little green cottage. There’s a light on in
one of the rooms, and I imagine that she’s sitting up in bed with her glasses
on and her wild hair everywhere while she reads a science magazine.

“Go
on,” Jake says as he leans over me and opens my door. I look at him, and he
nods in the direction of Hartley’s house. “Crew you’re not going to get
anywhere with her unless you’re honest about what you’ve been through.”

I
open my mouth to speak, and he holds up his hand.

“Don’t
even bother, man. I’m not blind. I can see the way you look at her. I want you
to give this a shot. Jessie would want you to be happy.”

And there it is. Her name. Even now,
the sound of it takes my breath away. He looks relieved at finally saying it to
me after so many years, like a burden has been released. And the weird thing
is, hearing her name doesn’t hurt like I thought it would.
Jessie. Jessie.
Jessie.
I
look over to the light in Hartley’s window and unclick my seatbelt. I can’t
believe I’m about to do this.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, man,” Jake
says. “Mom wants to see you before you leave again.”

Jake knows I don’t want to face his
mother, and that’s exactly why he’ll insist I go.
 
I nod, climb out of the truck and quietly
shut the door behind me.

It’s not until I’ve knocked on the
door that I realize what Hartley might think of me turning up here in the
middle of the night after we’ve already said goodbye. She’s going to think this
is a booty call for sure. I’m considering turning around when the outdoor light
flicks on, and she opens the door. She’s in a pair of men’s striped pajama
bottoms that are too big and a long cardigan pulled over a little white
t-shirt. She has her glasses on, and her hair is tied on the top of her head in
a knot. She looks adorable. But her face says she’s mortified.

“Ummm hello,” she says uncertainly, reaching
up to pull a pencil out from behind her ear. “I wasn’t expecting you until 8 am.”
She wraps the cardigan around her and looks over her shoulder inside the house.
“Do you want to come in?”

I walk inside and close the door
behind me. Hartley looks embarrassed like she
definitely
thinks this is a booty call. I reckon I’ve got seconds
before she asks me to leave. “This isn’t what you’re thinking.”

She raises her eyebrows and gives me
a look that can only mean that she thinks I’m full of shit.

“Jake dropped me off.”

“So Jake is in on this too is he?”

She looks unimpressed.

“I was just going to bed so..”

I can’t resist it. I have to smile a
little at that.

“Crew! I was going to bed
alone
. Maybe you should come by in the
morning?”

This is the perfect out for me. It
would be too easy to pretend that I’ve turned up on her doorstep just expecting
to get laid. I could leave right now, and we’d laugh about it in the morning.

“I’m not here to have sex with you,
Hartley,” I say, and her eyes widen a little. I’m not sure if she’s just
shocked that I said it out loud, or if she’s a little disappointed. I hope it’s
the second one.

“Can we go somewhere and talk? It
won’t take long.”

Except that if I do this right, it
will take all night. She nods and leads me down the hall to her bedroom. The
house is bone-achingly cold thanks to the wooden floorboards and lack of
central heating. I need to do something about some insulation. Her bedroom is
at the end of the hallway and unlike the rest of the house, it’s so warm inside
it’s just about tropical.

“Best thing I’ve ever bought,” she
says as she looks down at the gas fire she’s set up inside the old stone
fireplace. It gives everything in the room a soft orange glow, and long shadows
dance across the walls. She climbs onto her bed and lies down. I’m still
standing by the door, unsure of what to do. I don’t want her to think that I’ve
manipulated my way into her bedroom by telling her I want to “talk”.

“Come and lie down, Crew,” she
yawns. “It’s really late.”

I kick my shoes off and lie down on
her bed so that we’re facing each other. The room is small and dark except for
the light of the fire. It reminds me of the confessional my mother made me go
into every Sunday when she went through her Roman Catholic phase, and it feels fitting
because my confession is sitting right on my lips.

“Ok,” I begin shakily, closing my
eyes. Hartley’s hand reaches over and gently strokes my arm up and down.

“Start at the beginning,” she
whispers.

And
so I do.

Crew

Eight
Years Earlier

“Mmmmmm,
you smell great,” Jessie murmurs in my ear as I pull the strap of her blue
dress back up over her shoulder. She’s standing on the second stair, and I’m at
the bottom. My shoes are uncomfortable. They’re a pair of my dad’s, and they’re
a size too small.

“There
she is!” cries Mrs. O’Reilly from behind me. I can hear her fumbling around
with her camera.

“Where’s
Jake?” Jessie sighs impatiently. “I want a photo with my two favorite guys
before we leave. Jake!!”

“I’m
coming!” we hear Jake yell from upstairs and Mrs. O’Reilly laughs. A minute
later Jake appears at the top of the stairs. He’s wearing a black tuxedo, and
his hair has been slicked down to the side like he’s in an old movie. He’s
definitely getting laid tonight.

“Oh,”
sniffs their mom as their dad comes up and throws a thick arm around her
shoulders. “You two look so grown up.”

“Yuck
Mom!” laughs Jessie, “it’s just prom.”

“It’s
your last prom,” she sighs and lifts her camera to take a photo of us all
standing in a row with Jessie in the middle looking pleased with herself.

“The
limo is here,” Jake says and steps down to kiss his mother on the cheek. His
dad slaps him on the back and shakes his hand. I watch them for a second and
Jessie must notice the look on my face because she takes my hand and gives it a
squeeze.

“Love
you,” she whispers.

“I
love you too.”

The gymnasium has been transformed with silver glitter
and streamers and a big backdrop of the moon. We’re meant to be in Outer Space.
The whole thing is kind of lame, but since Jessie was on the Prom Committee,
I’m going to say it all looks fantastic. There’s a band that no one has heard
of playing up the front and a few bored looking teachers standing against the
wall. Jake is already slow dancing with his date, a cheerleader named Marie who
he’s been seeing for a couple of months. Jessie tugs on my arm and even though
I don’t like dancing, I’m out there holding her and swaying back and forth to
the music.

“This
is pretty cheesy,” she laughs as I spin her around and pull her into me again.
“I think I’d rather be out in the waves.”

“You
only get one Senior Prom Jessie-Girl,” I say as I dip her backwards. “The surf
will be there in the morning.”

We
dance a bit more and then eat some of the crappy food laid out on the tables. A
group of girls are kicked out for drinking vodka in the bathroom and a couple
of idiots from the football team look like they’re about to start a fight.

“Want
to head off soon?” Jessie smiles up at me. We’ve booked a hotel room for after
the Prom, and I’ve been waiting for her to say we can leave ever since we
arrived. She looks around for Jake so she can tell him we’re leaving but he’s
nowhere around.

“I’m
wearing something special for tonight,” she whispers in my ear.

This
won’t be our first time, thank God, but I’m looking forward to it like it is.

I
take her hand, and we walk across the dance floor, weaving our way through
people dancing and teachers’ pulling apart couples who are getting a little too
close. Jessie has her head thrown back; she’s laughing and dancing as she
walks. Her long blonde hair whips from side to side as she shakes her head in
time to the music.

As
we get closer to the doors, I can hear some kind of commotion happening
outside. At first I think the football guys are finally going at it but then I
hear Jake’s voice rising above the rest. He’s telling someone to go home.
Jessie hears him too, and she breaks away from me, heading for the doors. She’s
trying to run, but my surfer girl never wears heels, so she’s wobbling
everywhere and has to lean on the wall to stop herself from toppling over.

We
make it outside, and Jessie is screaming, “No! No, you don’t get to do this
tonight. Go away. Call him a taxi Jake! Get him out of here!”

I
push through the crowd of kids sniggering and holding up their phones to film
the whole miserable thing. Standing in front of Jake in a black tuxedo covered
in his own vomit, is my father.

“Get
Crew out here,” he slurs as he stumbles backward and hits the door of a waiting
limo, then slides down to the ground. “Tell him I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to
you Crew,” he says when he sees me standing over him. “I’m here to be a chap.. chap..
chaperone.”

Jessie
is crying. She’s not embarrassed. She’s crying for me.

“You’re
an asshole!” she screams in his face. “Can’t you give him one night? Just one
fucking night!”

Jake
steps forward and pulls Jessie away.

The
Principal comes over and tells me that if my father doesn’t leave she will have
to call the police. Then she says she’s sorry. Like that’s going to change
anything. Everyone who comes in contact with my father is always fucking sorry that
they ever met him.

“Take
my car, dude,” says a kid I barely know from my English class. His face is
white as he holds out the key. I take it.

Jake
and I push my dad into the front seat, and he climbs into the back. I can hear
Jessie get into the seat behind mine. Her dress is rustling as she tries to
push the fabric in around her legs in the small car. She’s sniffing and
whimpering a bit, and Jake is trying to get her to be quiet.

I
pull out of the school car park and look over at my dad. He’s leaning on the
window, and I think he’s crying too. He smells of whiskey, stomach acid and
piss so I wind down the driver’s window. Even though I’m used to the smell, I
know it must be making Jessie sick. We head out along the main road and then up
the hill in the direction of the beach. My parents live up at The Point, and my
plan is to drop Dad back home first and then see if I can convince Jake and
Jessie to go back to Prom. I don’t want them to remember tonight this way. I
don’t want this to end up like most of my memories.

We
go around the bend in the road and slowly climb higher as we head to The Point.
Cold, salty air is blowing through the window, and it’s woken my dad up a
little. He’s sobbing now and looking out the windscreen to the cliffs and the
waves churning below. Behind me, Jessie is whispering something to Jake, and I’m
about to ask her if she’s ok but I never get to, because my dad suddenly
lurches sideways and pulls on the steering wheel. It takes me a second to realize
what he’s doing, and I try to pull the car back onto the road, but it’s too
late. The wheels have slipped onto the grass along the edge and then we’re sliding
sideways down the bank. Behind me, Jessie is screaming and screaming and when I
throw my head around to look at her, I see that Jake is out of his seat and is
covering her with his body. The car picks up speed and hits a rock before
rolling a few times down the bank towards the cliff. I don’t think that I’m
about to die. Everything they say about your life flashing before your eyes is
bullshit, anyway. All I can think of is
Jessie
Jessie Jessie.
 
Her hair, always
tangled and salty from the sea. Her eyes, more turquoise than blue and lined
with lashes that are almost black. Her laugh, loud and childlike. The cookies
she makes for my birthday every year. The acceptance letter to pre-med that’s
sitting on the desk in her room. We roll one last time, and then the car comes
to a stop with a sickening crunch of metal and smashing glass. We’ve hit a
boulder jutting out of the grass at the bottom of the bank, and it’s stopped
the car from going over the cliff. My head is bleeding, and I think my leg is
broken but I know that I’m alive, and I’m ok. I try to turn around in my seat
to look for Jake and Jessie, but when I move my leg a surge of white-hot pain
shoots through me and my head swims. I rest my head back on the headrest and
take a couple of breaths. And then it hits me. The screaming has stopped.

“Jess,
Jake.. are you ok?”

I
can hear a gasping sound from the backseat and something else, too. It sounds
like the bubbles Jake and I used to blow into our milkshakes when we were kids.
Next to me my dad is slumped forward with his head resting on the dashboard.

“Jessie…”

I
start to cry, quietly at first and then with deep, wracking sobs. My leg is
pinned under my seat, and I know without a doubt that I can’t get to her. The
car is silent now except for something dripping in the back seat and the roar
of the waves at the base of the cliff next to me. I wonder if I could rock the
car and send it on its final journey, taking all of us over the edge and down
to the bottom of the sea.

I
close my eyes, and will my heart slow, slow, slow then come to a stop because I
know in my soul that Jessie is no longer with me, and I can’t bear a life
without her in it. In the distance, a man is yelling and then someone is
shining a flashlight in the car. I have just moments to finish dying before
someone will try to help me but my heart is still thudding stubbornly in my
chest, and now suddenly there is pain, too. I’m coming closer to consciousness
than away from it and I want to scream because damn it, I don’t want to be alive.
A paramedic leans in the driver’s window and touches my head, and I reach down
to grab my broken leg with both hands. As the sound of sirens and running
footsteps gets louder, I grit my teeth and jerk up on my leg, hard. And then
mercifully, finally, everything around me goes black.