Stiltskin (Andrew Buckley) (8 page)

Robert started backing up against the wall as Lily advanced with the feather. “Look, I appreciate everything you’ve told me, it’s all very interesting and practically believable, probably more so after a few drinks, but you know I just don’t think I’m cut out for all this. I like living on this side. I mean Othaside. Whatever the hell side this is. I’m happy with it.”

“Aren’t you curious?”

“You keep asking me that but you refuse to tell me anything!”

“It’ll be so much easier to explain all of this once we’re in Thiside but we can’t waste any more time. The Dwarf may have come and gone already.”

“Forget it, I’m not jabbing myself with that thing.”

“Fine.” Lily turned to walk back to the table with the ledger but quickly spun around and lashed out with the quill, cutting Robert across his cheek, instantly drawing blood.

“What the hell?”

She quickly wrote Robert’s name in the ledger and placed the quill back in its place.

Robert held a hand over his cheek.

“It’s just a scratch, Robert. Don’t be a baby.”

“What now? Why does everything feel different down here? I feel misplaced and yet right at home.”

“The Exchange is the only place on the entire planet that exists in your world and mine. Think of it as a border crossing.”

“So it’s here in Othaside but also in Thiside? And who the hell named these places?”

“Maybe you should calm down, count to ten?”

“Do you have any idea how confusing this all is?”

“Look, you’re getting a little frantic.”

“Frantic!” Robert’s voice notched up an octave. “Who’s getting frantic? I lost my girlfriend last night, lost my job this morning, was almost attacked by a Dwarf in my bathtub, was knocked out by a Fairy, dragged across town by you who won’t tell me anything other than there’s two worlds with ridiculous names, you attack me with a feather―”

Lily slapped Robert. There was a momentary pause, during which Lily’s cool exterior was thawed ever so slightly by the smile that crept onto her face, and Robert’s blood pressure dropped back to its usual level.

“Thank you,” he said, “I think I needed that.” The light from the hanging bulbs reflected off her eyes, causing the amber colours within them to dance.

“It’s a lot to take in but let’s go inside and talk to the White Rabbit.”

“The White Rabbit? From Alice in Wonderland?”

“Don’t mention that to him, it’s an unfavourable subject. Come on.”

Lily pushed through the wall and vanished, leaving Robert alone in the antechamber.

Come on, Robert, pull yourself together. Your life has never made much sense, too many unexplained things and now this whole situation makes even less sense. Maybe somewhere along the line, all this nonsensical stuff will suddenly end up making sense. Or at the very least, there’s no harm in trying, it’s not like life can get any worse.

And with that rather stupid and presumptuous thought Robert closed his eyes and pushed against the wall that Lily had vanished through.

The wall was cold and felt like a gooey sort of liquid that for a moment enveloped his entire body, slid across his skin, into his ears, through his fingers and then all of a sudden there was a rush of warm air as he came out on the other side. The first thing he noticed was that the room wasn’t much bigger than the one he had left, although it looked more like a professional interior designer had a hand in its creation. The second thing he noticed was that the colour had completely drained from Lily’s face. The final, and possibly most prominent, thing he noticed was the presence of several dead rabbits littering the floor immediately in front of them.

he Warrior Gnomes of the Grimm Mountains watched the Dwarf as he emerged from the Exchange in Thiside. He was limping, favouring his right leg, and clutched a bloody rag to the left side of his forehead.

“He’s injured,” said General Gnarly.

Gnomes were exceptionally strange creatures. Their creation had occurred thousands of years ago when an extremely inexperienced witch had cast a spell to create a new breed of Dwarf that would serve only her. She had measured out the right ingredients, had dug up the bones of an ancient Dwarf, mixed everything in a cauldron, lit the right kind of fire, using the right kind of wood, and then completely skipped the last page entitled
When and Where
because she got bored. The explosion it caused was seen for miles, mostly due to the pretty colours it created.

The witch was completely obliterated in the explosion, but when the smoke cleared there sat two tiny figures with little beards and pointy hats. Standing just over a foot tall, the Gnomes began to breed at an exceptional rate. The intricacies of Gnome mating, especially since there are no females or even sexual organs of any kind, are far too complicated for any mere human to comprehend.

The Gnomes were born as one-foot-tall men with beards and pointy hats. They had a life expectancy of exactly seventy-three years. Like any species, except dolphins, the Gnomes did not get along and fights broke out. The fights resulted in tribes being formed and the Gnomes split. Many tribes headed for the mountains, others moved into the forests of the Northern Regions, and one unfortunate tribe found a curse inherent in their creator’s spell. It seemed that an unfortunate side effect of their creation caused the Gnomes to be drawn to the doors like a moth to a flame. As a result, the Gnomes were constantly falling through the doors to Othaside. Gnomes feared Othaside as it was quickly discovered that they couldn’t survive in that world. Whenever a Gnome crossed over, it instantly turned either ceramic or plastic, and the residents of Othaside used the petrified Gnomes to decorate their gardens.

The Warrior Gnomes settled themselves at the foot of the Grimm Mountains and were known to be the toughest and most dangerous Gnomes of all the tribes. They had commissioned themselves to watch over the Exchange, as it was the only static door between Thiside and Othaside. The tribe figured it warranted guardians and they were just the Gnomes for the job. Numbering almost two hundred, the Warrior Gnomes watched over the wooden door that was set at the very bottom of the mountain.

Today, the mountain felt unsettled and General Gnarly himself had taken to watching the doorway from one of the many ledges set into the rock. A small contingent of his best warriors had just joined him on the ledge when the doorway below had swung open and the Dwarf had staggered out.

“What shall we do, General?” asked Gnorman.

“Let’s kill him,” suggested Gnick.

“Easy, soldiers,” said General Gnarly, an aged Gnome who was drawing close to his seventy-three years and had already survived the Great Gnome War of 1952. “Gneil and Gnelly, head down to the Exchange and make sure everything’s okay. Return to us quickly.”

“Sir, yes sir,” chimed Gneil and Gnelly and took off down the mountain toward the entrance.

“It’s strange,” said Gnorman, “I’ve never felt this unsettled in a long time.”

General Gnarly scowled through his little white beard. His experience had taught him not to jump to conclusions. “Keep an eye on the Dwarf but let’s wait and see what the scouts have to report before we act.”

Robert covered his nose to dampen the smell of blood. The small room had a tiled marble floor, cream-coloured walls similar to ones often found in an old folks’ home, a long oak counter, and bright fluorescent lights. Set into the wall to the right was a large wooden door, much like the entrance to the Exchange in Othaside. Behind the counter was an intricately carved circular door that stood next to a large metal refrigerator.

Robert counted at least sixteen fluffy white dead rabbits littered around the floor, on the counter and one that had been impaled by a knife to the adjacent wall.

“What happened here?” asked Robert.

“Stay here.” Lily jumped the counter, swung open the circular door, and dived through the hole, closing the door behind her. Robert stood alone in the Exchange, now a tomb for dead rabbits, and took a moment to examine his life to date. Something deep down was stirring inside of him and he wasn’t sure he liked it. It felt as if, up until the moment he’d walked into the Exchange, his life wasn’t completely real, that the feeling of not belonging he’d experienced even before he’d found out he was adopted was totally validated. Despite being in an unfamiliar world, despite being dragged around by some strange woman whose pet Fairy had knocked him unconscious, despite being surrounded by the small fluffy corpses of dead rabbits, despite all these things, Robert felt for the first time that the world had a place for him.

The moment was fleeting as he realized someone had killed these rabbits and that someone could still be around. The knife he recognized as the same one the Dwarf had been holding in his bathtub that morning. He pulled the knife out of the wall, letting the rabbit slide to the floor.

The wall Robert and Lily had entered through shimmered slightly, and a tall man with long blond hair, chiselled features, and bright blue eyes stepped through. Robert looked from the tall man, to the bloody knife in his hands, to the dead rabbits scattered about the room, then back to the tall man again, whose face had now adopted a look of rage and anger. Robert realized how this must seem and instantly dropped the knife, which he then thought probably made him look even guiltier.