Stop Running from Love: Three Steps to Overcoming Emotional Distancing and Fear of Intimacy (22 page)

Danny was puzzled. He hadn’t noticed this pattern, and if anyone had asked him, he would have said that his relationship with Roxy was terrific. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he replied, looking at his brother in genuine bewilderment.

“Here’s what I think,” Nick told him. “Either you’re too lazy to break up with Roxy and look for someone you could really go for, or you’re scared. I think you’re really scared.” Although Nick thought he knew what his younger brother was afraid of, he hoped Danny would figure it out for himself.

The next morning Danny was waiting outside Roxy’s apartment when she came out the front door to go to work. He had a cup of coffee and her favorite scone ready as he invited her to take a ride with him before going to work. “We need to talk,” he said. “Get in. I’ll drive you.”

In a few minutes he had summarized Nick’s questions and his own thoughts about the matter. “I guess maybe I am scared,” he confided, “but I don’t know what’s scaring me. I really love you. You know that, don’t you?”

Roxy was a brave young woman and she didn’t want to lose him. “Danny,” she said gently, “I’m just guessing here, but I feel that your mother’s death is the elephant in the room. We never talk about it. You and your brother never talk about it. You were so young when you lost her. Do you think you’re afraid you’ll lose me if we get too close?”

Although Danny took some time to let this idea sink in to the emotionally walled-off, vulnerable part of him, he was eventually able to see that this was probably true. But just gaining this insight wasn’t enough to change things.

Step Three for Danny was to train himself to stop fleeing the closeness he felt when he and Roxy spent more time together. As they shared more and more of their emotional lives and deepened their interdependence, he continued to panic. But he practiced staying steady, talking with Roxy about what he was feeling when it was happening, using his support network, and even going to a therapist for a while to talk about his unresolved grief. Although none of this was easy, Danny was eventually able to open himself enough to settle in with Roxy. They now are the proud parents of two little boys and are enjoying their parenthood.

The Distracted Distancer: Changing Your Priorities

Now it’s your turn to experience transformation. What do you need to do if you are in a relationship but completely absorbed in your children, work, friends, or community service? What if your involvement is an addiction that has kept you distracted from your partner?

Now that you are ready to make a change in your intimate relationship, here are some suggestions for you:

• Decide which activities you can cut back on or give up completely in order to prioritize your relationship. Be realistic. Don’t choose to give up something completely that you can’t possibly eliminate entirely.
  
• When you make the choice to cut back or give up something, that is, giving up your need to do whatever, work at it gradually. Take into account that letting go of anything, whether it’s an addiction, stepping away from center stage in relation to your friends’ lives, or being less consumed by the details of your children’s lives, will take a lot of your time initially. You won’t become an available partner overnight.
  
• Talk to your partner about the changes that may be necessary to make in the life you’ve been sharing up until now. Maybe your partner will have to take on more of the family-based tasks. Maybe you’ll need to change aspects of your work life, and bring in less income. Maybe your withdrawal from activities outside your life and commitments as a couple will create some entirely new issues for the two of you to deal with.
  
• Schedule some regular one-on-one time with your partner, and stick to that commitment. To do this successfully, you’ll need to be realistic about when this takes place and how much time you can commit to spending with your partner. Don’t start by planning to spend the whole twenty-four hours together every Saturday. That would be a setup for failure.
  
• Choose activities and settings for your couple time that will be mutually appealing and not too stressful. For example, it would be a mistake to commit to going out to clubs every week if you don’t really enjoy the club scene. Find something you both feel comfortable doing. You could make a plan to spend Saturday nights together but leave the activity options open, thus allowing for enough variety to give the two of you varied opportunities to feel more connected.
  
• Take some risks engaging with your partner in quieter, more inward time together. This could mean talking about what’s going on with you over a quiet meal or during a walk. It could involve some quiet time outdoors just enjoying the view, or spending some time together in meditation or prayer. Notice whether you’re still trying to escape your emotions, fears, and memories.
  
• Check in to see how your partner is doing with the “new” you. How does he or she feel about you in this new stage of intimacy? How does your partner feel about him- or herself? Don’t be surprised or discouraged if your partner becomes uncomfortable for a while. Maybe your partner has his or her own distancing tactics and this new couple closeness stirs up some discomfort for both of you.
  

Sally’s Story

You may remember that Sally was able to turn things around in her marriage by changing her relationships with her siblings. She and Howard were now facing each other, both committed to deepening their relationship. At first, Sally was a wreck! She found every excuse in the book to avoid intimate time alone with her husband, including a series of minor illnesses, headaches, and bad moods. But finally she recognized what she had been doing, and she began to implement the suggestions outlined above.

Once Sally and Howard talked over finding the time to plan a couple of activities, it actually wasn’t so hard to figure out what to do. They went back to their courtship days, remembering how much they had both loved buying and sprucing up old furniture, quilts, kitchenware, and decorative objects. They decided to schedule a regular date to go out every Saturday searching for “treasures,” to enjoy the excitement of finding them, and then to work together to clean up and evaluate their purchases.

It was great for Sally to see how smart and competent Howard was. This lessened her fearful view of him as a needy invalid. They also began to be playful with each other again, which brought back good memories of their earlier years together.

Occasionally, Sally would begin slipping back into her old distancer patterns, rushing to attend to her siblings, friends, and children when they were in a crisis. When this happened, Howard was able to gently help her notice what she was doing and more importantly to help her delegate some responsibilities to others.

They were thrilled when one of their new purchases, an old rocking chair, made them one-minute stars on the PBS Antiques Roadshow program when it came to their part of New England. But even more thrilling was the comfort they were celebrating in their newly achieved closeness as a couple.

No matter what kind of distancer you are, you will need to keep track of how you’re doing in a systematic way. This is to help you notice both the setbacks and successes. You should keep on writing what you discover about yourself in your journal. You will need to keep your support people in the loop so they can help you see anything that your inevitable blind spots may hide. Remember to keep on tuning in to see what your body tells you as you chug along toward your goals. You can also keep track of your progress by using the following exercise periodically over the weeks and months of your new venture.

Exercise

Your Intimacy Barometer

Use this scale:

1 = This doesn’t describe me at all.

2 = This describes my behavior a little bit.

3 = This describes my behavior in some ways.

4 = This describes quite a lot of my behavior.

5 = This is definitely me!

Rate yourself from 1 to 5 to answer the following statements:

The goal is to keep increasing your score. Don’t expect to get to 75 right away. Do keep on working to encourage yourself, even when you think your score should be higher than it is. And if you’re feeling brave, you might want to invite your partner to rate him- or herself, and then rate you. It will be interesting to share this exercise, to see if it helps you deepen your relationship even more.

Warning: If you are just now beginning to see someone new, doing this exercise together might be a little overwhelming. But you can use it to bring up some relationship issues you might want to talk over with this new person.

Your story is just beginning, with many chapters left to write. But here’s a quick summary of what happened to the other distancers who have been your companions and role models throughout this book.

Danny married Roxy and had two kids, as you know. You also know now that Sally and Howard revived the joys of their marriage by spending regular time together doing things that revitalized their delight in each other. You also found out that Jack met Celia, and they were able to work out a very happy relationship, one that allowed each to maintain a relatively high degree of separate time and space, but also provided great couple comfort and companionship. And Janine progressed from being a recluse to getting into a couple relationship with Wyatt. She also became a powerful advocate for women who had been victims of violence.

Luisa and Diego went their separate ways. Luisa eventually went to a therapist to talk about the feelings of shame and self-doubt that she had projected onto Diego. She met a man whose wife had left him, and they were able to share their stories of hurt and rejection and went on to get married to each other. They found pastoral counseling very helpful.

Diego decided to remain single. He continues to date a variety of women, and he is very mindful of not setting himself up by wanting too much from a partner. He is quite content for the time being to get his emotional needs met by friendships in his social activism groups.

Rick and his wife Carla have changed their relationship significantly as Rick learns to let go of trying to control everyone and everything. Carla is much happier now that she feels more competent in the marriage. They are experimenting with new ways to have fun together with their kids, and both report that their sexual relationship has become much more playful and much more satisfying.

Yvonne continues to experience ups and downs in regard to her sexual openness and comfort, but she is able to enjoy sex much more than she had ever expected to. As she and her boyfriend have moved beyond their original sexual impasse, she has discovered other areas in which she distances. She feels a new awareness of how afraid she is of giving in to her own desires, wishes, preferences, and dreams. She has just decided to go back to school to study marine biology. To do this, she is ready to relocate to another part of the country if necessary, and her boyfriend is willing to move with her, but only if she wants him to.

Colin got very involved in Alcoholics Anonymous where he met a woman who had been sober for quite a long time. They went out in groups after the meetings for a while, and then began dating. Colin reverted to his old fear-based distancing pattern of using a lot of sarcastic humor, and, predictably, his new friend broke off the relationship. Slowly, Colin began to see what was happening and began really talking to her about himself when they briefly chatted after the AA meetings. Eventually, he regained her trust and they got back together. It remains to be seen whether they will stay together, but the prognosis is good.

Andrew met a recently divorced young woman with a young child. He has been able to show up for both the woman and her child. He is cautiously in love. He has learned to stick to a very strict schedule of physical exercise—running and strength training—to contain his hyperactivity, and he is happier than he’s ever been.

Ben is still single, although he is more comfortable with himself than he was before. Lately, he’s been considering a radical lifestyle change that would involve moving to India to live in a spiritual community where the residents are committed to community but remain single and celibate.

You are now writing your own story. Make it as full of courage, new adventures, and happiness as you can. You know everything you need to know and you have the skills to do it. It’s up to you. You can do it, just as long as you keep your expectations reasonable. Keep on learning to like yourself and your own company. The more you trust and like yourself, the more others will feel the same way. Go for it!

Bly, Robert. 1990. Iron John: A Book About Men. New York: Addison-Wesley.

Chödrön, Pema. 2002. Comfortable with Uncertainty. Boston: Shambhala Publications.

Gray, John. 1992. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. New York: HarperCollins.

Real, Terrence. 2002. How Can I Get Through to You? Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women. New York: Simon & Schuster, Fireside Books.

Dusty Miller, Ed.D.,
is a clinical psychologist, writer, trainer, and internationally-recognized expert in the areas of trauma, addiction, and self-sabotage—including relationship self-sabotage such as distancing. She is the director of the ATRIUM Institute in Northampton, MA. Miller offers training, consultation, and workshops for professionals and paraprofessionals who work with traumatic stress, substance abuse, relational challenges, and more. She is author of Women Who Hurt Themselves, Addictions and Trauma Recovery, and Your Surviving Spirit.