Storky (5 page)

I wanted to tell him, Sunday is supposed to be my night. Am I such a loser you can’t spend a few hours with me by yourself? But I thought, Maybe I am. Or maybe he thinks I am. So I just said, “Can we at least finish this game?”

Me and The Thighmaster both crossed our arms and stared at Dad while he sat between us, looking scared. Finally, he shoved some money at her and suggested she get something to drink. He says all meekly, “Why don’t we just stay until the end of this game?”

She glared at me like she hated my guts. I kept staring at Dad, and he got up and rolled his ball right into the gutter. The Thighmaster went over to the bar and asked for a light beer with a double shot of vodka.

After that I was so pissed, I kept imagining her bony little face in front of the pins. I started getting strikes. Later, when I calmed down some, I thought, Hey, this is a great strategy, and I switched to picturing Dr. Vermin’s fat chipmunk head. But that didn’t do it for me. I missed a spare. Then I pictured Hunk in his stupid tank top and got 3 strikes in a row. Next time I get mad I’m going back to the bowling alley and try to break 205.

Dad didn’t even seem impressed. Mostly he was just trying to rush through the game so we could leave and The Thighmaster would stop sulking.

The good thing about seeing Dad is that Mom doesn’t throw a lot of questions at me afterward like she does when I go anyplace else. So I told her I bowled a 205, and she’s like, “Terrific.”

I started to go upstairs to my room. Then Mom calls out, “Dr. Berman’s coming over for dinner on Tuesday. I expect you and Amanda to be there.”

I didn’t even turn around, didn’t even answer. I just climbed up the stairs and slammed my door.

I can’t believe it. Turns out old Verm is cooler than I thought. Or maybe I got bribed from the ice cream he brought over. Mom and Amanda each got flowers. When he handed the bouquet to her, Amanda goes, “Nice touch,” and just drops it on the kitchen counter. If I did that, I’d probably lose the TV another 3 weeks.

Mom fell all over herself thanking him and putting the bouquets in water and setting them on the table. Amanda sat on the couch reading
A Secret Splendor
.

Dr. Verm goes to me, “I got flowers for you too.” I didn’t know what to say, so I just stared at him. Then he goes, “Nah,” and shows me the Ben & Jerry’s bag and messes with my hair. What idiot told him teenagers like getting their heads rubbed?

I thought things would go bad, but they didn’t. It’s because of Mom’s stupid cabbage soup diet. Why she suddenly cares about her weight is beyond me, since Vermin is like 250 pounds easy. But all she’s been eating for the last 3 days is this stinky red soup.

She wasn’t going to make the rest of us eat that crap. Especially not Verm. She cooked her Company Dinner, sweet-and-sour chicken, rice, asparagus, and salad. We sat around all awkward, Dr. Vermin asking me and Amanda the usual adult questions—what grade are you in, what classes are you taking, blah blah blah—and we mostly gave one-word answers.

Then when everyone was almost done eating, Mom cut one. A real loud fart, mondo strong. Easy to tell who it was too. Mom’s ears turned bright red and she stared down at her food while the rest of us looked around the table.

Finally Verm goes, “My God, Geraldine, what did you put in that chicken?” He started laughing, and then Amanda and I busted up. Mom ran from the table, going, “I’m so embarrassed, excuse me, I’m so sorry.” Then Verm said, “I can’t eat with this smell,” and he got up too, opened the window and sat on the couch.

Me and Amanda practically had to crawl to the couch, we were cracking up so bad. Then Mom came in with the Floral Fantasy Lysol from the bathroom and sprayed around the table like crazy. She was laughing too. Dr. Verm went over to Mom and put his arm around her, and that’s when Amanda and I stopped laughing.

Mom told Verm I bowled a 205 on Sunday. He’s in a league. His highest is 226. I guess Mom thinks since we have something in common, now we can be total pals. Yeah, right. Dr. Vermin could be worse though. I mean, compared to The Thighmaster he’s fantastic.

Gina called to have me summarize
Huckleberry Finn
before the English test Monday. She said that the Hunk took her to the Outback Steakhouse last night and held her hand all through dinner again and that it was starting to bug. She goes, “It’s hard to eat with only one hand, and I wish I’d ordered something easier than steak.”

I went into Captain Sensitive mode. Told her I ate steak last night too, but with both hands, and I could see how she’d be having problems. I must seem so nice and understanding to Gina compared to the Hunk. Although girls might not like guys who are nice and understanding. Maybe I should act like a jerk.

Dad said he can’t make it tonight because he has an upset stomach. How lame. Who cares anyway.

At least Duke was glad to see me after I biked over to Golden Village. Today he asked how I could be so glum when my own mother looked so happy. I go, “It’s because she’s seeing this jerk.” When he asked what made him a jerk, I had to think awhile before I said, “He’s fat and he’s a dentist.” Then Duke smiles and goes, “And he’s not your father.” I told him he’s a hair ruffler. But Duke just did that big head-shaking laugh and used
festoon
to get rid of all his letters and win another game.

The TV is here! I wonder where Mom stashed it all month. When I woke up this morning, I was like those kids in the dorky Christmas commercials, bounding down the stairs, all set to maul their presents. I ripped through the channels with the remote, catching cartoons, MTV, a Hot Babe Exercise Show. Awesome.

Then, just to ruin my morning, Gina and Hunk stood at the front gate of school kissing like he was going off to war, his big monster hands planted on her little butt. It was so gross. I’m embarrassed for her. No, I’m not. I’m jealous.

But at least she can talk to me. At least we have things in common, like Scrabble and journal writing and being gifted. What do her and Hunk ever talk about? Maybe they don’t. Maybe they just make out all the time.

I hate school. Duke better be right about high school not being the best time of my life. If it is, then life sucks. At lunch today, I went to the bathroom and Stretch Barron stood inside the doorway totally blocking me. His stupid hairy basketball friends leaned on the dirty walls behind him, passing a big thermos around. I bet anything there was booze in there. He goes, “Seniors only, kid.”

I had to walk all the way to the other side of school. I couldn’t go to the bathroom near the admin building, since that’s where Joey Hawkins got beat up last week and some sophomore got dunked headfirst in the toilet.

I finally made it to a bathroom I could enter without fearing for my life. Then some guy I don’t know at all said, “Hey, Storky” on his way out. And just as I got some relief, right at eye level someone had written, “Amanda Pomerantz is a total tease.” You really don’t want to be looking at graffiti about your sister while you’re trying to take a whiz.

It got me wondering if maybe Amanda is a virgin. But she can’t be. She’s so popular and she goes out with so many guys and I’ve seen her kissing them by our front door lots of times. Then I started thinking what a perv I was just wondering about my sister that way. Then I thought I better remember to zip my fly, so I did and got out of there. I hate school.

I feel like a hero. I got to school early today, snuck a thick black marker into that bathroom, and blackened out Amanda’s name from the stall. I didn’t even tell her about it. Captain Sensitive strikes again. Then, I couldn’t help it, I wrote M.P.+ G.G. on the wall. I’m sick.

It’s Friday night and I hung with my mother and her boyfriend all night. Pathetic.

Mom and Dr. Vermin were supposed to take line-dancing lessons tonight at this country-and-western bar. Mom’s idea. Stuff like that makes me know where I get my dorkiness from. She wore Amanda’s plaid shirt and these new overalls that made her look like a scarecrow. Adults shouldn’t wear overalls. Unless they’re genuinely doing farmwork. Just like teenagers shouldn’t wear polyester unless they work in a fast-food restaurant.

Dr. Verm didn’t dress up at all. He must have khakis in every shade of beige ever made. That’s all he ever wears. Plus he had on a polo shirt, which is the other thing he always wears. I was hoping the cowboys at the bar would kick his ass for being such a Biff.

Soon as he saw me he went, “Hi, Mikey” and lunged for my hair. I ducked out of the way, and he ended up rubbing the air. He goes, “Just trying to say hey,” and I go, “It’s annoying.” Verm did one of those isn’t-he-cute chuckles that makes you want to punch the person. “You don’t like when I mess with your hair, Mikey?” he asks. I told him I hate it, and my name is Mike, not Mikey. He did that laugh again and slapped me on the back in a way I guess he thought would make me feel macho. It was just extremely irritating.

Then Mom comes in with her piece of paper showing her cell phone number and his. Like I’m going to call them ever.

As Mom and Verm were leaving, the cordless phone rang. Mom’s like, “I have to answer it in case it’s Amanda.” Amanda was out with this senior with a shell on his truck. Motel 6 on Wheels. Mom says hello, and then, “Calm down, Marsha, what happened?” I’m thinking maybe Grandma died, but as I listened more, I got that June dumped her. Sad.

Verm said, “This is going to be a long one.” He sat next to me on the couch.
Animal House
was on, so we watched John Belushi do his zit imitation. Verm goes, “This is such a classic, I bet I’ve seen this movie 10 times.” In the kitchen Mom kept telling Aunt Marsha to calm down while me and Dr. Vermin laughed our heads off in the living room.

It sort of reminded me of when I was 9, before the Divorce, and we all went to see the Harlem Globetrotters. Dad and I almost fell off our seats we thought it was so funny, but Amanda and Mom just sat there yawning. I remember we shared this huge carton of smelly nachos. Dad would point at one of the Globetrotters spinning the ball on his head or dribbling the ball between his legs a million miles per hour and go, “Look at that, Champ,” or, “How does he do that, Champ?” I don’t know when he stopped calling me Champ. I’m just Mike now.

Of course, laughing on the couch with Verm isn’t the same as laughing with Dad. But anyway, it felt kind of good. I knew Verm was happy to be there too, compared to line dancing.

But I still think he’s a jerk. And not just because he’s probably boinking Mom. I forgot to tell Duke about Verm smelling like dental office and calling me Mikey. When he finds that out, he’ll have to agree Verm’s a jerk.

It took Mom about a half hour to hang up from Aunt Marsha’s phone call. She asked Verm to go dancing, but he said it was too late and he wanted to see the final parade scene, which is the funniest part of the movie. Mom watched it with us, but she just smiled and shook her head while me and Verm were practically doubled over.

When it ended, Verm said we should all go to Baskin-Robbins. I almost said yes. But then I thought they’d probably hold hands in there, and I’d have to watch them be all flirty. So I said no, I’m tired. Then Mom runs into the kitchen and pulls out the ice cream.

It wasn’t too bad hanging out with them. Actually, pretty decent. Verm even asked me to join his bowling league. But that’s where I draw the line.

Totally bummed. I wish Gina hadn’t left
of the way through our Scrabble game. Just finished putting it away by myself. Which is really hard. Usually Gina holds the bag and I pick up the board and dump the letters in. Without someone holding the bag it takes a lot longer. Maybe she’ll call me tomorrow and apologize. I thought she would tonight. She’s probably out with Hunk. So much for my grand plan of using my Scrabble skills to get her all excited.

She and Amanda are the only people at school who know I play Scrabble. Some guys hide
Playboy
magazines under their beds. I hide my Scrabble dictionary. It’s so geeky to make lists of good words. That list of
q
words with no
u
in them is really helpful though. I used
qat
and
qaid
today against Gina.

She played Scrabble with the Incredible Hunk last week. From how Gina told it, I could tell he sucked. Gina said he just wasn’t concentrating enough. Sure. I bet she played easy on him too. Whenever she mentions him, she gets this huge smile that stays on the whole time she’s talking. Her upper lip hardly moves. It’s weird.

I guess I could see how a girl could think he’s a hunk. He’s always wearing those tank tops showing off his monster muscles. I hate guys who wear tank tops. When I see a guy wearing a tank top, I know he thinks he has a great body. He’s got big white teeth too. Dr. Vermin would love him.