Straightening Ali (4 page)

“
I can’t ask you to leave, Ali,” said Steve sounding surprised but sad. “I wish I could though,” he muttered longingly down the phone.

“
Why can’t you ask me to leave?” Ali asked. Deep down, Ali had known what the response was going to be, but he’d found the courage to speak his heart’s desire, and that moment seemed to have gone now. Steve had rejected the rosy future that Ali had glimpsed for them both.

“
You know you have to make that choice yourself. I can’t make your decisions for you. I don’t want to be the one you blame for leaving your family if it all went wrong. You have to decide whether you can leave or not. I can’t ask you,” Steve said, sounding worried and concerned for Ali. “You have to leave for yourself, not for me.”

“
I just want you to ask me to leave. The decision will be mine. All I want you to do is ask. If you say the words, I will leave today,” said Ali meaning every word.

“
I can’t ask you. It’s going to have to be your choice,” Steve said. “So do you know who you’re marrying?” he asked, moving on from the subject.

“
It’s a girl from Nottingham. I’ve not met her yet. I don’t think I’m allowed to until the wedding day,” said Ali worrying about the change of subject. “If Steve really loved me, he would ask me to leave, even if I couldn’t,” he thought. “Maybe getting married will be for the best.”

“
She knows you’re gay though?” asked Steve, although he clearly knew the answer to the question already.

“
I don’t know,” Ali replied.

“
Well, I’m assuming that your family has told her that you’re gay,” Steve said. “Or are they going to deceive her family?”

“
Like I said, I don’t know,” Ali muttered crossly.

“
Well, knowing your family, I’m sure it’s not something they’re going to advertise,” Steve said

“
If you knew the answer, why did you ask me? Why are you being so mean? I thought you might just be a little supportive,” Ali said, feeling upset at Steve’s attitude.

“
I am being supportive. I’m still talking to you aren’t I? It’s not every day that you get a call from your boyfriend telling you he’s getting married and then wants you to be supportive!” Steve said, sounding incredulous. “You’re forgetting that it’s a shock for me, too.”

“
I know, I’m sorry,” Ali said feeling guilty. He’d dropped a large bombshell and was still expecting a lot from Steve.

“
You know it’s not going to last, don’t you?” said Steve after a brief silence.

“
Isn’t it? Why not?” Ali asked, not really interested in hearing Steve’s reply. “I think it will last as long as I work at it.” A large part of Ali felt that he was creating an illusion for himself in which he was married and living happily with his wife. The other part of him agreed with Steve and imagined that the marriage couldn’t possibly last. How could it?

“
You might work at it as hard as you want, but it still won’t work you know. I mean, how are you planning on doing it?” Steve asked suggestively.

“
Doing it? Doing what?” asked Ali, pretending not to understand Steve’s question, and feeling annoyed. It was as if Steve did not want him to leave, which as far as Ali was concerned meant that he did not want commitment, yet he still seemed desperate for Ali’s marriage to fail.

“
You know what I mean. Doing it! Having sex! You can’t take gay porn into the bedroom with you on your wedding night. So how are you going to do it? Does a woman turn you on? Can you make love to her on the wedding night?” Steve asked, throwing the questions at Ali in a brutal attempt to drum home the reality of what Ali was getting himself into.

“
I’m not going to answer that. Stop being so coarse. It will work. I’ll make sure it does,” Ali said. “I will try and get to know her first, and eventually, I’m sure I’ll fall in love with her.” The rose-tinted picture that Ali had built up in his mind was still there although somewhat dented by Steve’s artillery of questions.

“
I give it a year. I can guarantee that it won’t work,” Steve said, sounding very sure of himself. “I know you, and I know you can’t do it.”

“
Steve, I’m not getting into an argument about whether I can make my marriage work or not. I can’t see you anymore, and it’s best if I don’t call you again. I have to move on with my life now,” Ali said angrily. “It’s not as if I will be able to see you when I get married anyway.” That was it. Ali had ended his relationship, but as soon as the words were out, he wanted to take them back. He couldn’t though, as this was the right thing to do.

“
I love you, Ali, and I know you have to do this, but I will wait for you,” said Steve making his decision. “I will wait for one whole year.”

“
No, I don’t want you to wait for me. You need to get on with your own life. You’ll probably meet someone with far less baggage who you’ll be much happier with,” Ali said trying to be brave but really wanting to tell him the opposite. What Steve was offering was tempting. It was designed to make his marriage fail though, and he wanted to ensure that he gave his marriage a one hundred percent chance of survival.

“
I won’t meet anyone else. You’re the only one for me,” replied Steve. “I love you so much. You are worth waiting for. If you’re happily married in a year’s time, I will move on with my life, but until then, I can wait.”

“
I don’t want you to wait. I think it’s sweet and romantic that you want to, but you shouldn’t waste your time waiting for something to happen. It’s better that we finish it and both move on with our lives,” Ali said. It was so hard to say, but Ali didn’t want to be trapped by both the marriage and Steve.

“
I don’t want to move on. I love you, plain and simple. I’ve not met anyone else like you,” Steve said. “I’m sorry for being so horrible to you earlier, but you are dumping me, and really, I should be angry and bitter towards you, but I’m not. I love you.”

“
It’s so hard. I never wanted to get married. Why does shit like this always happen to me?” Ali said starting to cry, his resolve slipping completely.

“
Stop crying. It’s okay,” Steve murmured lovingly over the phone.

“
I’m sorry. I’m fine. You know I sometimes wake up hoping to discover that this has all been some horrible dream,” Ali said through the tears. The tears felt cold on his face, and he wiped them with the sleeve of his jacket and shivered.

“
So will you wait for me or are you just saying that?” Ali asked hesitantly, giving in and seeking the reassurance that Steve might still be there for him.

“
Yes, for a year from the day of your wedding, I promise,” Steve replied.

“
A whole year, that’s like twelve months. It’s a long time to wait when there are no guarantees,” Ali said, unsure whether Steve would really want to wait for him.

“
Yes, but there is one condition. You can’t have any children with her. If you do, then it’s over. I won’t be waiting for you. It’s too messy if there are children involved,” Steve said.

“
What if my wife wants children?” Ali asked worriedly. “I will have to have children if she wants children.”

“
Do you want to have children?” Steve asked.

“
No, definitely not,” Ali replied adamantly. “I’ve always been told how many children I should have, but I’ve never wanted children.”

“
Well, that’s all that really matters, isn’t it? You should at least do one thing for yourself,” Steve said.

“
I guess so, but what if I’m happily settled down with my wife a year from now. What will you do then?” Ali asked.

“
I’ll be very sad, but I’ll move on and try to get on with my life,” said Steve.

“
I bet you’ll meet someone as soon as you put the phone down. That’s how quickly you’ll get on with your life,” Ali said trying to make a joke of it, but actually voicing his insecurities.

“
No, that won’t happen,” Steve declared. “I will wait for you. I really will. I promise. I love you, and if you happen to decide that you want to leave a little sooner then that’s okay with me, too.”

“
I have to give it a try for at least a year, whatever happens,” Ali said sadly. Suddenly, the automated voice of the telephone operator cut into the call. “You have one minute of credit remaining.”

“
I’ve got to go. I don’t have any more coins left,” cried Ali. He had been topping up the coins in the payphone continually throughout the conversation, but now he’d run out. He checked his wallet again, but all he found were a few coppers.

“
I love you lots,” said Steve blowing a kiss down the phone. “Don’t you dare forget me once you’re married.”

“
I’ll never forget you, whatever happens,” Ali cried back. “I love you, too. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you.”

“
I know, I really do understand what you’re going through,” Steve replied. “It’s okay, don’t worry. Whatever happens, you will be alright.”

“
It’s not okay. I’m sorry. I really am. I’ll try and call you again when I can get away,” yelled Ali as the phone cut off with a click. Ali put the receiver down, and his coins washed down the phone noisily. Since Steve had moved to France, Ali had spent hundreds of pounds feeding the payphone.

Ali opened the door to the phone-box and stepped out into the cold. Although it was early in the year, it was snowing, but the snowflakes melted as soon as they hit the ground. Ali no longer felt the cold for some reason. He hurried back home wondering if anyone had seen him in the phone-box. He shrugged his shoulders. It did not matter anymore, as he was doing what they wanted him to now. Despite the hurt and the pain, Ali smiled to himself. Steve had not let him down.

Ali was rudely interrupted from his sleep by the voice of his youngest sister, Aneesa, booming loudly at him. “Wake up, Ali, Ammi’s arranged for you to see your in-laws.”

Ali tried to bury his head deeper into the duvet. He had hoped that somehow the previous day had just been a nightmare. He whimpered self-pityingly to himself before yelling, “Go away,” from under the duvet, his voice muffled by the covers.

“
If you don’t get up, I’m going to pull the duvet off you.” Aneesa threatened, her hands reaching for the duvet in readiness. Ali twisted some of the duvet under his feet, just in case she tried to carry out her threat. “Listen, Ammi says that she’s arranged for you to meet Sajda, so you’ve got to get up.”

“
I’m not going. I’m not getting up!” Ali yelled. He had come home to find his bedroom in disarray. His posters of Madonna that had been on the walls for years had been ripped off, while the old wallpaper underneath, which he had painstakingly painted green had been stripped away to reveal the bare plaster of the walls. Someone had even loaded his collection of vinyl records into several boxes for storage. It was as if all traces of his identity had been clinically removed from the room, so that his family could create a new one for him.

“
You have to get up. It’s a chance for you to meet your fiancée and not everyone gets the opportunity to do that. Ammi’s trying to be modern about your wedding because you’ve got a degree. You’re so lucky,” she said, joyfully delighting in her mother’s forward thinking attitude.

Aneesa was the youngest member of the household. She was eighteen years old, full of boundless energy and never showed any sign of distress or unhappiness. She always seemed positive, probably because she never got drawn into the arguments between the other siblings.

She maintained her own strong moral code and a self-righteous attitude, which embraced the cultural values of Pakistan. She had been to Pakistan several times and had even lived there for a year at one time.

She always insisted that she would only marry through an arranged marriage and was known to break friendships or stop talking to other Pakistani girls if she found out that they were dating boys or even talking to them. She would distance herself from these girls, labeling them as “slags,” along with general disparaging comments such as “What would their parents think if they knew, have they no shame?” Despite this, she kept her views about family matters to herself, especially where Ali was concerned.

“
Go away, Aneesa,” Ali shouted, sitting up in the bed. “You know what I think of this wedding, and I am not going to see her. I don’t have to, and I don’t want to.”

“
You have to go. You need to check her out,” Aneesa continued ignoring Ali’s words. She was wearing a trendy pair of blue jeans and a black baggy sweater with a white t-shirt underneath. Her face looked traditionally Pakistani, quite darkly tanned with attractive sharp features that still carried some puppy fat. “You can’t trust photographs these days, not with all that digital imaging and camera lighting. You remember what happened to cousin Imran. You don’t want that happening to you.”