Stranger and Stranger (21 page)

M
E
: Yuh…nuh…I can’t!

BL: [Cold look in his eyes.] Forget you, man, the west walls are mine.

Later

Crawled out of the sewers and slunk home. Raven and I are now hunkered down in bushes outside my house. Am shocked and disappointed that I could not pull off the simplest of lies. How hard would it have been to say “Yes”? When the rewards were obviously rich? When I cannot afford to make Binary Larry, of all people, mad at me? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Also, WHAT IS UP WITH THE WEST WALLS?

Later

Went inside for sandwich provisions and ran into the kitchen without proper concern for booby traps. Was painfully shocked
by an electrified metal plate in front of the refrigerator. EvilOne will SUFFER!!!!!!!!!

OK, back to the sewer.

June 24

Woke up at nightfall and snuck home. Hid in the bushes until I saw EvilOne leave, then crept in (CAREFULLY). (Side note: Had better get things settled at home soon. Am spending way too much time hiding in bushes.) Spent some time attempting to come up with painful and/or humiliating booby trap for EvilOne, but it went nowhere. Finally settled for downloading pictures of EvilOne screaming at her blond hair in the mirror. It really DOES pay to install hidden video cameras in every room of your home! Then I programmed the Oddisee so that the pictures would pop up on the screen every five minutes. Also papered bedroom walls with large printouts of said photos. Am hoping she takes them down promptly. They give me the heebie-jeebies.

OK—am out of here—cannot afford to have her catch me here!

Later

Back in the secret sewer. Have begun my investigation of the west walls. They look exactly like all the other walls. Have thumped them and heard nothing unusual. Exploration was cut short
by prompt arrival of Binary Larry. Am now noticing that he almost always shows up about ten minutes after I do, regardless of the time of night. Have apologized to him about last night as best I could. He seemed ready to forgive and forget, but not to give up information about the west walls. We mostly left each other alone except when he came to ask me for a safety pin.

M
E
: Yeah, I have safety pins. What size?

B
INARY
L
ARRY
: It’s for my shirt. I lost a button.

M
E
: [Taking miscellaneous items out of pockets and spreading them out. Looking for button-sized safety pin.]

BL: You are the girl with Everything Possible in her pockets.

M
E
: You don’t even know. OK, here you go—hey, cool buttons.

BL: Thanks. They’re kind of sentimental too. I’m hating that I lost one.

M
E
: [Silently making mental notes on BL’s cool buttons. Should find or craft him a replacement. Must try to get back in his good graces.]

Later—at home, getting provisions

Snuck into the house very cautiously, but EvilOne is nowhere to be seen. She’s been spending a lot of time out of the house lately. Am hoping she is working on her grand popularity takeover and not her grand plan to preemptively destroy me. Am now sitting nice and cozy at the Oddisee and trying to work on plans for A) reversal of psychic damage to townspeople, and B) solution to my doppelgänger problem.

Cats have been walking casually into the bedroom, seeing me at the Oddisee, hissing, and running away. Is not helping my self-esteem any. Am clutching FakeCat for some small comfort. Is not helping my typing any.

Later

OK. I am getting nothing accomplished because A) pictures of blond EvilOne keep popping up and making me laugh, and B) I cannot stop obsessing over where EvilOne is and what mischief
she is up to. Have never in my life given so much thought to another person and it does not sit well. Let me state again that she will feel my wrath.

Later

Have thought it over and am not really sure what irreplaceable skills I have to make EvilOne hesitate before doing away with me. Here’s a short list of what I’ve got that she doesn’t:

1. Tendency to cry whenever I think of the hopelessness of getting rid of EvilOne. Or when I see a sad commercial on TV. Or when someone looks at me funny.
   
2. Guitar skills. Must remember my guitar skills.
   
3. Crippling need for cat affection.
   
4. Basic respect for my mother and my golem.
   
5. Strong need for solitude/intolerance of people.
   
6. Seeming inability to lie. Very inconvenient.
   
7. Working knowledge of Great-Aunt Millie.
   
8. Enjoyment of a good, terrifying nightmare.
   
9. Desire to spend evenings painting a sewer rather than doing something useful, like getting rid of EvilOne.
   
10. Artistic talent, based on the fact that EvilOne didn’t do a single drawing in my journal in two days.
    
11. Um.
    
12. ….
    
13. OK, well, art skills, guitar skills, Great-Aunt Millie…
    

Will cling to those for now.

Later

VERY close call a few minutes ago when I heard EvilOne’s footsteps on the stairs. Had to throw my cast out the window and jump after it. Am reluctant to go back to the sewer. I miss the comforts of home, man. Am once more hiding in the bushes near the house, trying to get tough with myself and figure out how all this is going to end.

13 Ways All This Could End:

1. One of us dies.
   
2. One of us leaves.
   
3. We both stay, but she agrees to bleach her hair again and keep out of my room.
   
4. I wake up in the hospital, having been in the grips of a terrible fever dream for the past 17 days.
   
5. One of us is adopted by Gigi and Bebe. (Hopefully EvilOne.)
   
6. My mother reveals her diabolical prank on me.
   
7. My holodeck session ends.
   
8. A more interesting drama arises and we forget to be enemies.
   
9. Every other human being on Earth is suddenly vaporized in an extreme solar event, and the only reason we are saved is that we’re holed up in the sunproof bedroom, and
   we agree to each take one hemisphere of the world as our private territory.
   
10. I program Raven to kidnap EvilOne, knock her unconscious, drive her across the country, and leave her in some random town.
    
11. EvilOne and I make an appearance on a talk show and let the audience decide our fate.
    
12. EvilOne and I hug and learn.
    
13. We are both killed by a natural disaster of some sort. You know: global flood, asteroid hitting the Earth, return of the dinosaurs…I might prefer this to hugging and learning.
    

Later

I AM BRILLIANT!

Maybe.

The Ratts and the 12th Street Toughs are vandalizing all of the town’s cars tonight. Am going to frame EvilOne for doing it. (Somehow.) Then will turn her in to the police. With any luck, she will be locked away long enough for me to make a plan to neutralize her FOREVER!!!!!

Am headed back to the sewer for Raven.

Later

I hid my cast in yet another friendly clump of bushes, then Raven and I roamed the town, and she videotaped me pretending to
knife tires. Am on top of the world!

Never underestimate the power of positive revenge!

Later—almost dawn