Stray (13 page)

With me she was straightforwardly curious, and asked me quite a few questions about what it was like to live on Muina.  She's actually the first person to ask me anything about that since Nenna's friends, so I told her about trying to make a blanket, and that one of the first things I did when I briefly had the wide-ranging interface access was to look up how to make soap (basically oil and ashes, which I
don't
see how it can turn into soap, but whatever).  Mara said that very few of the Setari had even been to Muina, that it was considered so dangerous that even the squads who were cleared for an investigative mission there weren't allowed to stay for more than a few hours, and that I was amazingly lucky to have survived.  Lohn said First Squad had won itself a good luck charm, and I told him that Devlin actually meant 'unlucky'.  I think he thought I was joking.

After lunch, Mara took me off to teach me about clothes.  We went down to what I think must be a commissary, and I was given a light, stretchy black harness – a triangle at the back with two straps you slip your arms into and another which went around my ribs and joined like toffee when I held the ends together.  Mara had me strip to my underwear in a cubicle and put on the harness and then 'assume the position' – the thinking about doing a star jump pose for spray-on swimsuits.  This time I ended up in a Setari uniform.

There's a mirrored wall in the cubicles, and I spent a long time staring at myself.  Barely recognisable as the girl who walked home from her exams and missed her path.  My skin had tanned on Muina, since I was outside so much, but that's faded a lot and other than a few acne scars and tiny freckles it's looking pretty good.  I seem to have developed a jaw line, which wearing a tight throat-hugging collar certainly emphasised, but my figure isn't nearly up to Setari standards.  I look like a gawky crow.  My hair has gone blonder than I expected, with only the lower layers brown – again that's from being out in the sun so much – and it's grown a couple of inches.  I've been wearing it in a loose braid most of the time to keep it out of the way.  I haven't suddenly become beautiful or anything – my mouth is still too wide and I've always thought my nose a bit too long – but I was looking better than I expected and not really me at all.

I feel like the longer I'm here, the less chance I'll have of going back, and that putting on this uniform somehow made it nearly impossible.  Like I've visited Faerie and stupidly eaten the food.

Mara asked if I'd fallen asleep, so I came out, and something about the way she looked at me made me feel I was right about the Faerie food.  No-one's ever asked me to join KOTIS or offered any kind of choice at all.  They did rescue me from Muina before I was eaten, though.  And they're fighting against monsters and I can help with that, in possibly the most passive way imaginable, but still apparently I might be useful.  Just because I've never said yes, or been given the chance to say no, doesn't mean I haven't agreed to anything.

Enhancing the Setari is a better option than washing dishes, which is where I'd probably have ended up as just another stray.  They're more interested in finding Earth now, as well, and while I'm not keen on many of the possibilities of being useful to the Setari, I'm trying to focus on the day-to-day and not what the rest of my life is likely to be.

Suits made of nanoliquid are beyond weird to wear.  The harness is a specific control mechanism for the nanites which doesn't rely on the wearer's personal interface, and lets the Setari do all sorts of fun stuff with their suits.  Make them thicker, give themselves kneepads, make the gloves cover the whole hand or go away altogether.  Make pockets.  You could probably even stick yourself to another Setari.  Mara taught me how to manipulate mine and then told me to play for a while.  Tomorrow we're going to go into the Ena to test out how my amplification works there, and to try a couple of talents which don't work in actual space.  We're not going to be fighting Ionoth or anything, but it's still all a bit daunting. 

Thursday, February 7

Glimpse

The excursion into the Ena was scheduled for the morning, so no dodging practice.  Mara collected me, made sure I brought my uniform harness, and took me to the nearest "nano-changing room".  I think the Setari must have these in their own apartments, rather than having to leave their clothes in little lockers about the place.

I didn't like walking through the facility in uniform, and almost wished they'd given me my own colour or something, for all that it would make me stand out more.  But I'm willing to bet that the black nanosuit is something that these people
earn
, not just parade about in.  I was glad I'd made the effort to do my hair really neatly in a French braid, but I still felt vaguely like I was going to be arrested for the equivalent of impersonating a police officer.  And for a moment there it felt like Maze and Lohn and Zee didn't even recognise me.  Lohn at least murmured "All grown up," before getting serious and professional.  Going into the Ena is the most formal I've ever seen First Squad when a bluesuit isn't around.  Because, even though we were going to the safest bit they could find, the Ena is dangerous.

The blast doors emphasised that point.  KOTIS was built on this island because it's a very 'torn' space and there are lots of places where it's easy to get from actual space to the Ena, and vice versa.  Wherever they find one of these torn spots on Tare, they build a metal box around it, with doors that only the nastiest of monsters could hope to claw their way through.

While we were waiting for clearance, Maze set up a group channel or 'space' in the interface for the squad, started a mission log which would record everything we did, and then talked me through what was going to happen.

"We have three objectives today.  To test your enhancement on the talents which are only effective in the Ena.  To see if there's any variation with the talents we've already tested due to the different environment.  And to orient you in the Ena, since you stepped directly from your world to Muina, and you were sedated when you were transported from Muina to Tare.  The Ena is a very disorienting place, visually overwhelming in places, and at the same time it intensifies the senses.  Tell us immediately if you start experiencing any kind of sickness or distress.

"Annan and Gainer will accompany you at all times while we are in the Ena.  Don't move anywhere without them.  If we encounter any situation which requires moving quickly, they will move you.  Do not run.  Above all, do not enter any of the gates without clearance.  Do you understand all that?"

"Yes," I said, in such a small voice I sounded about five.

Maze crinkled the corner of his eyes encouragingly at me before going on.  "We are unlikely to encounter Ionoth in this section, but it always remains a possibility.  Depending on the type, we may choose to deal with it.  You'll be kept well out of the way if that's the case.  Anything serious, and we'll return you to actual space before approaching it."

By this time the big door had opened, and we moved into the spacious metal box.  I couldn't see any sign of visible tears in the world, but then I hadn't when I walked from Earth to Muina either.  The interface obligingly drew a triangle of light in the air in front of us, showing where we should walk.  Maze and Mara went first and then me with Zee and Alay on either side of me.  I was finding all the surnames confusing, so it's good that I'd been given back name display and could see Zee Annan and Alay Gainer floating over their heads.

I didn't feel any sense of resistance walking through the triangle, but I certainly felt the cold.  That was something they hadn't mentioned, that the Ena is perhaps 10 or 15 degrees Celsius.  And the weird thing was, we were still in the metal containment box, and the door was closed, but most of the walls were missing – or, not missing.  If you've ever seen a drawing someone's made, where they start with the line art and then colour it in, we were in a version of the box where the line art was there, but only half of it was coloured in.  Kind of.

Anyway, it meant we could walk out of the box through one of the 'uncoloured' sections of wall.  I felt like I was walking into a half-complete animation for
Setari: the CGI Movie
.  We were where we'd been before, but with all the people and lots of the 'textures' missing.  This was the part of the Ena they call near-space, and it was truly weird.

It did make me feel more alive.  I don't know if it was the cold, or a sense that the gravity was lighter there, or just...mystic spooky stuff, but I felt hyper-alert and awake.  Maybe the air there has adrenaline in it.  Everyone was waiting to see how I reacted, so I smiled and shrugged and Maze nodded and started off.

It took me a while to recognise the gates for what they were, scattered through the construction zone of a world.  Some glinted and some were dark.  It was only when we rounded the corner into a patch where there was nothing above us but a dark sketch of a sky and...thousands of them.  It was like someone had taken an ocean's worth of mirror and shattered it and flung the pieces to spin in every direction, but every piece reflected not what was before it but some other place.  Other space.

We didn't walk far, stopping at a jagged rift about the size of a car: all brilliant green intensity.  Through it was grass, and rolling hills, and a pale blue sky paling to white.  Huge tumbled stones, like blocks for an ancient grey castle.  Most of this was intact, coloured in, but the edges of the space were fading out into mist.

"Try not to touch any edges stepping through.  Gates can be fragile, and tearing them attracts Iono–"

Maze stepped through as he spoke, lifting his feet carefully, and I noticed that passing through not only cut off the sound, but that 'no connection' had appeared in the group channel display where Maze should be.  When I stepped through myself there was a soap-bubble sensation, and the air changed again, bringing an over-emphasised sense of grassiness.  There were a lot fewer of the pieces of broken mirror here, which might be why they chose it.

"Spaces what exactly?"  I asked, realising how limited the horizon was.  This wasn't what I'd pictured at all.

"One day perhaps we'll have a definitive answer on that," Zee said, while Maze and Mara had a scan-the-area-for-enemies moment.  "For now, my favourite definition of it is that they're the sloughed-off memories of living worlds, crystallised and decaying fragments of the past tumbling and interconnecting."

I suppose if someone had taken a billion jigsaws and mixed all the pieces together and then had them connect up randomly so you could move from piece to piece you'd get the same effect, but Zee's explanation was much more poetic.

"Ionoth memories inhabitants of worlds?"  I asked, and saw I'd managed to surprise them.

"That's one of the possibilities," Lohn said.  "Maybe part of Muina's histories survived on your world after all."

"We lots entertaining fantasy," I said.  No-one seems to b
elieve me when I say Earth wasn't settled by Muinans.

"Looks clear," Maze said, coming back to us.  "Let's get started."

The testing was much the same as all the testing we've been doing, with me contributing a lot of standing about.  I wish I could at least figure out how to make these illusions.  Still, it was entertaining watching Maze throw the stone blocks at one another, creating fantastic explosions of rock and dust.  Most of the skills First Squad hadn't already tried seemed to work, and they were pleased about one which involved the gates, but I was more than glad when they decided it was time to head back.

And then, as we were walking back to the gate we'd entered by, there was a small gate, twice the size of my head.  And through it, something so familiar my heart almost stopped.  I certainly stopped, and my internal recording shows me how quickly Zee and Alay reacted, shifting around in my peripheral vision, flanking me.  At the time, all I could see was It.

"That's what your world looks like?"  Maze asked, eventually.

I shrugged, feeling so betrayed I wanted to scream.  "Some parts.  Australia lots red dirt.  Sky – that quality light – I forgotten how big sky is.  That right sort tree."  Then I scrubbed at my face and added in English: "Crying over a fricking gum tree.  How pathetic can I get?"

I made myself stop.  Made myself say something that would get them moving.  Made myself hold it in, at least until we were back on Tare and I could say I was tired and wanted a shower.  None of First Squad were under any illusion about how I was feeling, but they had sense enough to know they couldn't fix it, and were kind enough to leave me with a short stop at medical and then to my room.

I thought it was real.  Just for that second, before I saw the fraying edges, I thought that was Earth.  I can still feel the way my stomach twisted, the way every part of me leapt through stillness into roaring joy, and then crashed.

All the feelings I've been trying to hold back, all my struggles to resign myself to being this stray, this person out of place and never really belonging, they've risen up to drown me.  And tomorrow's my birthday.  For a brief second I thought I had a chance, that I could go home and be there for my birthday and I just don't know if I can stand this awful pit that's opened up in me after that moment of belief.

I want to go home. 

Monday, February 11

Happy Birthday

I was sitting on my bed when I woke up.  MY bed.  My bed, my room, my world.

Just, not quite.

Somehow I'd ended up in Earth's near-space.  The cold tipped me off immediately, even before I saw the great big sections of wall lacking any substance.  I was horribly chilled, cold with a deep ache in my bones, like I'd been sitting outside in Winter.  Sydney's Winters aren't exactly sub-zero, but you don't feel happy about life if you sit out in them wearing a pair of underpants and a thigh-length t-shirt.