STROKED LONG (37 page)

“Please.” She yanks on my arm right before I’m about to leave, turning me around so I come face to face with the tears falling from her beautiful brown eyes.

I fucking lose it. My entire body splits in half, hatred for myself pouring out, loathing who I’ve become; it’s eating me alive, pure distaste for the shit I’ve put Ruby through coursing through me.

I can’t do this.

“What?” she asks.

Did I say that out loud? I’m so fucking lost in my thoughts I have no idea what’s going on.

I turn to leave but she grabs on to me one more time. “Bodi, what did you say?”

Without looking her in the eyes, my throat barely able to let words go by as my heart hammers so hard I can feel it in my brain, I quickly say, “I can’t do this,” and leave.

Tunnel vision eclipses me, my feet propel me forward, my breathing is so out of control I’m having a hard time making it to a safe spot. I pour through the stairwell door and stumble down the first few steps, grabbing hold of the rail. My bag teeters down the stairs as I lower myself to one of the steps.

Leaning against the wall, I grip my head and will my breathing to become steady, but it doesn’t happen, it continues to become more erratic with each second. My chest burns, my vision blurs as tears fall from my eyes, rolling off my cheeks and onto my jeans.

Why isn’t Eva answering her phone?

Why didn’t Ruby lock the door?

Fuck, Ruby.

Her distraught face. Those tears. That fear.

It’s eating me alive.

I did that to her. I hurt her. Just like I hurt my parents . . .

Fuck, I didn’t hurt them. I killed them.

RUBY

“Where is he?” Eva asks, entering my hotel room. Last night’s makeup is smeared down her face, her hair is tied up in a disheveled bun, and she’s wearing her pajamas. Lauren follows closely behind her, looking just as rough.

“I don’t know,” I cry, still shaking uncontrollably despite the blanket around my body.

“Shit.” Eva grips her forehead. “Tell me everything that happened.”

We sit down in the living space where Bodi’s medals rest. When he left, I realized he didn’t even pack them so I made sure to put them gently back in their boxes and in a prominent place so if he came back,
hopefully he came back,
he wouldn’t forget them.

“Where should I start?” I’m in such shock. My body feels if I were stabbed, I wouldn’t notice it.

“When things started to go sour.”

I bite my lip and think back to last night. “Well, um, we had sex.” Ugh this is awkward.

“Okay.” My comment doesn’t even affect Eva.

“I noticed he seemed a little different, a little off, as if there were a million things running through his mind. Usually right after, he will cuddle me and he will talk, joke around, but he didn’t do that this time. It almost seemed like a dark cloud started to eclipse him. He then stepped away to make a phone call.”

“Shit, that’s when he called me.” Pure and utter regret flashes through her face. “I was drunk and said stupid things I would never say to him sober.”

“I heard him talking, and he sounded angry. I didn’t want to drop in on his conversation so I got ready for bed. I waited a while but heard him walking around the hotel for quite some time. I didn’t realize how long he was busying himself until I woke up with him wrapped around me.”

“Checking the locks,” Lauren says at almost a whisper to Eva who nods her head in agreement.

“What?” I ask. They both ignore my question and tell me to continue. “I was thirsty and was told not to drink the tap water here, so I went to one of the vending machines to grab a drink. It wasn’t until Bodi was swearing and breathing heavily that I woke up again. He was pacing the floor again, trying to call someone on his phone when he saw the door was unlocked. I didn’t slip the deadbolt thing over. He freaked out, yelled at me, packed his things and bolted before I could stop him. He, uh,” I paused as tears started to stream down my cheeks, “he said he couldn’t do this anymore, as in us. I tried to stop him, I tried to get him to talk to me but he wouldn’t. He took off and won’t answer his phone now.”

“Fuck,” Eva hisses, leaning back on the couch. “This is all my fault. I should have known better than to push him. He seemed . . .” She sighs and pinches her nose; I can see tears start to well up. “He just seemed like he was getting better, like he was living because of you, Ruby.”

“Babe, it’s not your fault,” Lauren says, attempting to comfort Eva.

“It is. This all started with me. We should never have gone out last night.”

“Fuck that,” Lauren says, standing up, speaking in a harsher tone than I’ve ever heard from her. “Babe, you know I love that boy just as much as you do, but there is a time where we need to stop babying him, where he needs to learn how to deal with new circumstances. You’re always asking him to live his life and here you are, barely living yours because you’re always keeping a watchful eye over him.”

“Yeah, and see what happens when I change things? He bolts.” Eva grips her forehead. I’ve only known Bodi for such a short time and my heart is breaking. I can’t imagine the agony she must be feeling. She looks . . . bleak. Inconsolable. “Where the fuck could he be?”

“He’s probably flying home,” Lauren says without skipping a beat. “Knowing Bodi, he’s searching for the familiar, looking to get back into routine. He’s been so far from it, I couldn’t imagine him wanting anything else.”

I kind of want to say that he would want me, that my loving arms are all he needs, but that doesn’t seem to be the case anymore. That realization cuts me deeper than his dismissal this morning.

“God, what should we do?” Eva asks. “Should we call Dr. Auburn?”

I feel like an outsider looking in once again, begging to be in Bodi’s inner circle.
Yet, I’m clearly nowhere near the edge.
Even after everything we’ve been through, all of our late night conversations and random text messages, I still don’t know him like I wish I did.

Who’s Dr. Auburn?

Why is Bodi freaking out?

What is with the door being locked?

This goes further than his OCD. There is something else he never told me, something I wish he had because I wouldn’t feel so helpless right now. Maybe if I knew, I could have helped avoid this entire situation.

“We can call him on the way back to our room,” Lauren says, patting Eva on the shoulder. “Best thing we can do is figure out how to tackle this head-on.”

“You’re right,” Eva agrees, staring at the medals on the table. “Did he leave those?”

I look down at the cases and nod my head, tears falling from my eyes. I can’t hold them back any longer; my emotions have worn thin, and I’m at my breaking point. I want Bodi back. I want his strong arms wrapped around me. I want to run my fingers up under his shirt, along his bare back, and tell him in a soothing tone that everything is going to be okay.

Eva sighs and sits next to me. She wraps her arm around my shoulder and pulls me into a hug. “This has nothing to do with you.”

“Then why does it feel like it does, like I ruined everything?”

“You didn’t. Bodi has demons he’s still dealing with. They came to a crashing halt this morning. You were just here to witness it.”

“No, I didn’t lock the door. I had no clue that was something that mattered.” Barely containing my sobs, I ask, “Why does that matter?”

Eva exchanges a look with Lauren who nods her head. Taking a deep breath, Eva asks, “Do you love him, Ruby? Or is this just something fun you’re doing for the summer?”

I look her dead in the eyes, and my lip trembles as I say, “I’m so in love with your brother, Eva. I’m so desperately and hopelessly in love with him.” More tears fall as I think about the loss I endured this morning.

I can’t do this.

His words play on repeat over and over in my head. We can’t be over, can we? Was that his way of breaking everything off? I pray it wasn’t. I’ve never known this sort of heartache.
Never.
I don’t think my heart could withstand not being with him. In such a short amount of time, he’s become so vital to me. To my heart. To my mind. To my body.
To my soul.

Breaking me out of my thoughts, Eva says, “Then I think we need to have a chat.”

***

The flight back home to Los Angeles was pure torture. Fifteen hours of Eva’s story running over and over in my head, of not hearing from Bodi, of not being able to make sure he’s okay. The poor man next to me had to hear me sniffle, cry, and sniffle some more as I buried my head against the airplane window with my hood sheltering me from everything around me. The pain scorching through me was almost too much to handle.

My poor, sweet man.

He heard their parents being murdered. At such a young age, sitting in a tub, clinging for dear life to his older sister. I can’t stop crying over the knowledge of a young Bodi, scared out of his mind, taking the blame for the intruder who killed his parents.
He was only twelve years old. A baby.
Every time the thought crosses my mind, I go through a whole new round of tears, of sorrow, of heartache, feeling sick to my stomach.

I can’t imagine going through such a traumatic event and feeling the blame for it.

Eva held my hand the entire time she told me their story, reassuring me she’s okay, but making it clear that Bodi is not.

It explains his OCD, why he needs such rigid order in his life. It’s the reason he keeps people at a distance.
He fears losing them.
When he lost his parents, he shut down emotionally and only focused on one thing—swimming.
No wonder he is so socially awkward. He’s like a twelve-year-old boy.

His awkwardness around me, his phone calls at eight thirty, his panic in Target, his panic in my apartment when I didn’t lock the door . . . everything falls into place like a perfect Tetris puzzle. It all makes sense.

One moment in his life has shaped him to the man he is today—the man I love more than life itself.

If only he knew.

Fifteen hours on a plane, dehydrated from crying, and looking like a hot mess, I don’t even bother heading to my apartment. I drive straight to Bodi’s condo, praying he’s there.

Eva called Dr. Auburn, and he informed her he has yet to hear from Bodi, and we need to show our support. A lot of help he was.

Part of me hopes and prays that when he sees me, when he opens his door to find me on the other side, he envelops me into his strong hold and leans on me for support. But the other part of me fears he will continue to distance himself, that he will use this as an excuse to give up, to throw in the towel.

I can’t do this.

That
part of me has my stomach churning in knots with the thought of losing this incredible man.

Luckily for me, there is parking outside of Bodi’s condo. I take his stairs two at a time and, without taking a breath, I knock on his door. The baggy sweatshirt I’m wearing is wrung out by my hands as I wait for him to answer. Impatient, I knock again.

Please be home, please be home.

I need to see him. I need to make sure he’s okay, to make sure
we
are okay.

The distinct sound of locks unlocking come from the other side of the door and my heart takes flight.

The door opens to reveal a very worn-out Bodi. Dark circles are under his eyes, his hair is disheveled, and his clothes look like they’ve seen their last day. But it’s the dark, bloodshot eyes that really cut me deep.

“Ruby,” he says in a deep, rough voice. “What are you doing here?”

He doesn’t look happy to see me. He actually looks scared . . . angry. He blocks the view of his apartment, leaning against the door frame for support instead of me.
I’m not wanted here.

“I . . .” I’m at a loss for words. This wasn’t how I envisioned this meeting going. I expected him to be a little happy to see me. “I wanted to make sure you’re okay.” It’s a weak way of greeting him, but I don’t want to scare him by announcing I know about his very private life.

“I’m fine. You shouldn’t have come over.” If I didn’t know Bodi, I would think he’s hiding another woman behind that door, but that’s not the case with him. He’s hiding something, but it’s not another woman.
It’s his heart.

“Bodi . . .” I feel tears forming, and I chastise myself. I have to be strong for him. “What happened in Rio, can we talk about it?”

“There is no need to,” he clips out, not looking me in the eye.

“But—”

“Ruby, I meant what I said, I can’t do this. It was a mistake in the first place, okay? I should have never let it get this far along.”

“What?” I ask, needing him to repeat all of that. Did he just say our love was a mistake?

Still not looking me in the eyes, he says, “It’s over.”

Now I’m angry. “It can’t be over. Bodi, Eva told me everything that happened.” His head shoots up from that announcement, fury in his eyes.

“She what?”

I gulp, a little nervous at seeing this hostility in Bodi. “She told me what happened to your parents. It’s not your fault, Bodi. Let’s just talk—”

“That’s not your assessment to make, and she had no fucking right in telling you.” He drags his hand through his hair out of frustration.

“Bodi, it’s me. Let’s talk this out.”

“There is nothing to talk out,” he snaps at me. “We’re done. So just fucking leave, forget about me. I’m not worth your time.”

“You are!” I shout back, trying to get it through his head. “Bodi, I love you.” He closes his eyes as if my words pain him. Standing strong, I continue on, “I know I was put on to this earth to love you, Bodi. I was brought into your life to help you live, to help you love, and to help you show your true colors. To help you be proud of who you are. Don’t throw that away.
Don’t throw us away.
Don’t throw away us because you can’t accept who you are, because you can’t accept what we have. I was made for loving you.”

“I accept who I am,” he says in a tortured voice. “I’m a fucking murderer, a fuck-up, a pathetic man.” He points to his temple. “Get that through your head, Ruby. I’m fucking nothing. We are fucking nothing. It’s over.”