Strong (Kindred #1) (33 page)

I’m not sure how last night happened, how I let it go so far when we haven’t spoken about how we feel about each other, not really. After dinner, we sat together like normal, I had music on and Carter was sitting on the sofa on his laptop, everything was normal. Then my brain went into overdrive, I started thinking things that I shouldn’t and I lost all control on my senses it seems. When did we both decide that stepping over the line was a good idea though?

It was a good idea.

It was the best idea.

But my head and heart are in turmoil right now and I don’t know what I want or what’s for the best.

I sit and watch Carter from the sofa, he’s in the kitchen on his laptop, he looks up, almost like he can feel my eyes on him, smiles, then lowers them back to the screen. He spends the next ten minutes doing whatever it is he’s doing then closes his laptop and comes to sit next to me on the sofa, he moves closer to me and gently, as always, pulls me to him. A few nights ago, the move wouldn’t have made me tense, I would have sunk into him and relished in having him close to me, but after last night, everything has changed and I’m struggling to work out exactly where we go from here.

“You okay?” he asks, pressing his lips to the top of my head.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Then why is your whole body tense?”

“I just… I don’t think we should…”

“What?” he leans away from me and looks at me.

“This, it’s too… intimate.”

“Intimate?” his eyebrows shoot up and hurt flashes across his face. “Too intimate after last night?”

“Please,” I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “Don’t Carter.”

“What… do you regret last night? Is that why you asked your Mom to come get you for the day today? Why you insisted I went out with Harry?” he looks at me like it’s all suddenly dawning on him.

“We need to stop whatever this is, last night… We shouldn’t have… It’s all…”

“What Carmen?” he stands suddenly, and starts pacing back and forth in front of me.

“It’s too soon, I can’t get into anything with anyone right now.”

“I’m not just anyone!” he yells angrily.

“I just need a friend Carter, okay?” I yell back at him, trying to make him realise.

“A friend? I’ve been your friend all this time, since you told me what was going on!” he yells. “But Carm, we went past being friends last night, don’t tell me we’re just friends after that.”

“We are friends, Carter.” I repeat the words I feel like I’ve spoken over and over.

“We’re much more than friends, you know it, I know it. Admit it to yourself Carmen, because I sure as hell need you to.”

“Please don’t, Carter.”

“So last night… You do regret what we did.”

“No, I don’t regret it, Carter, I don’t regret anything with you, I never ever could. I’m just saying it’s too much right now. Please, I need to go lie down,” I turn my back on him and start shuffling to my room, he’s behind me, helping me in seconds. “See? This is what a friend does.” I whisper to him.

“It’s what a boyfriend does too, why can’t you admit you have feelings for me?” he asks, his voice so full of pain.

We reach my room and he helps me into bed. I lay down and he covers me up like he always does, then he crawls into the bed right next to me, like he always does. He pulls me to him and rests my head on his chest.

It’s all so easy, why does he have to make it difficult?

“I don’t know if I’ll survive this, Carter, how can I make you something more permanent and risk having to lose you if this…. if it kills me.”

“Whether you admit your feelings or not, you’re going to beat this thing. You’re going to get better and when you do, I’ll still be here, I promise you.”

“Then can you just be here as a friend right now, I can’t… Carter, most days my mind feels like it’s going to explode, like there are so many things I have to remember and not enough space in there to process everything. I hurt, all the time and I feel sick all the time. I can barely make it to the bathroom on my own right now so I just need us to be this for now, I need for you to be with me and not expect anything from me because right now, I’m not capable of giving you anything back.” I tell him, letting the tears fall onto his shirt.

“You don’t need to give me anything back, you’ve never had to, just you. I just want you and one of these days you’re going to have to realise, you are beating this thing and you’ll keep beating it and when you’re better, I’ll still be here…” he kisses the top of my head and pulls me closer. “And right now you just need to sleep, while you don’t feel sick, please, just get some rest.”

Neither of us say anything for a long time and I do eventually fall asleep. I wake up and Carter is still there, still holding me, warm and comforting like he has been since the day I met him. I keep my breathing even so he doesn’t realise I’m awake, so I don’t have to face him and look into his eyes knowing I’m hurting him. I know he wants me to tell him I love him, I know he wants me to admit to him the feelings we both know I feel but I just can’t right now.

One month later

E
verything has changed, yet at the same time, nothing has changed.

After completing my six week course of radiotherapy, everything looked good, the hospital were pleased with my progress and gave me my first bit of good news.

I am officially in remission.

The surgery and radiotherapy worked and the cancer was now gone from my body. That first day was full of emotions, it was the first day I felt like I was in control of my life in months, that I could live without worrying. The nurses assured me as much as they could that for now, I was okay, that it was one day at a time, regular check ups and hospital visits for the next few months but that for now, I was fine.

Josie and Jack have moved back to England and are now setting up their new home, happy and content and with their very own little surprise. They’re going to be parents. I’m thrilled for them both, Josie is glowing and I’ve never seen her look so happy before. Jack is protective and caring and everything she needs and it’s like the perfect fairytale.

Things with Carter and I are as they always have been
—
easy and normal and my happiest moments are always those spent with him. We worked through the weirdness sleeping together created and both came to an unspoken agreement that we’re staying as friends for now. Life is finally settling down and I want to spend time with him without the constant hospital appointments.

We’re enjoying going out and doing normal things. Carter is happy he has his brother so close and we spend most Sunday’s watching American Football at Jack and Josie’s while eating everything they both tell us, a game isn’t complete without. We’ve all settled into life and having my best friends around me is one of the most incredible things in the world and something I am forever thankful for. I look up as Carter comes into the lounge and stops in front of me.

“Do you trust me?”

“Of course I do, more than I trust anyone.” I tell him.

“I know what today is,” he looks at me and must see the look of realisation wash over my face.

“Carm, I’ve been to the hospital with you hundreds of times, I’ve heard you give your date of birth so many times I know it better than I know mine.”

“Sneaky.”

“We’re going to celebrate. I’ve got it all sorted, you just have to do what I say.” he tells me.

“Look at you being all dominant.”

“Call me Christian.” he grins.

“What are we doing?” I laugh as he pulls me up and steers me in the direction of my bedroom.

“You’ll see,” he laughs. “Wear something you feel pretty in!”

“The theatre?” I gasp as we come up to a stop in front of the pink lit up theatre.

“Yes.” he grins at me.

“I can’t believe you.” I smile.

“Happy birthday, Carmen.”

Carter has brought me to the theatre to see Dirty Dancing, one of my favourite films and shows. It’s a matinee performance but it’s still packed. There are hen parties and daughters with their Mum’s and Carter is one of the few men here. It doesn’t bother him though, he seems to enjoy the show as much as me, although, I’m not sure how much he actually watches, every time I turn to face him, he’s watching me. When the performance is finished, I turn and wrap my arms around him, thanking him for the best birthday surprise ever.

“I thought we could head home and change, we’re meeting Megan, Harry, Jack and Josie for dinner.”

“Really?”

“Really. You didn’t think you’d just be spending the day with me, did you?”

“Well, they’re busy… And they haven’t mentioned anything.”

“They’ve been sworn to secrecy,” he tells me. “I think it nearly killed them not to say anything.”

“Let’s go home and get changed for dinner then.” I tell him, linking my arm with his.

We walk into the flat and I stop dead in my tracks, the whole place is decorated. There are fairy lights everywhere, there are balloons and banners and there is music playing. I turn around and look at Carter, who just smiles at me and nods his head, telling me to keep going. I walk a little further and turn the corner and gasp. Everyone I love is here; Mum and Dad, Jack and Josie, Megan, Harry and a fast asleep Henry.

“Surprise!” Megan beams, whispering loudly so she doesn’t wake her son.

“Happy birthday, beautiful,” Josie cries, wiping her eyes. “Blame the hormones, I am.” she laughs.

Jack wraps his arm around her and kisses her temple, smiling at me. Mum steps forward and wraps her arms around me as I try and take everything in.

“Happy birthday, sweetheart.” she whispers in my ear.

“Thank you, Mum.” I croak, emotion completely overwhelming me.

When she pulls back, I turn back around and face Carter, he’s standing still just smiling at me. Smiling his all American smile that has my legs turning to jelly. I walk over and wrap my arms around him, resting my head on his chest and letting the tears I’m trying to hold back, fall. His arms come up and around me and he turns his head so his mouth is resting by my ear.

“Happy birthday,” he whispers. “They all love you, they’re all here for you.” he tells me.

“Thank you,” I turn my face to look up at him and smile. “Thank you.”

“No need to thank me,” he shakes his head. “We’ve got all your favourite foods and you’re on strict orders to enjoy yourself tonight.”

“Share the birthday girl,” Josie calls, stepping up to me and tugging me away from Carter. “I want a hug.”

“How did you manage to keep it a secret?” I ask her, laughing.

“Are you really asking me that? I kept this a secret didn’t I?” she says proudly patting her stomach.

“Yes you did!” I laugh.

“Let me get in on this!” Megan calls, coming over after handing Henry to Harry.

“I thought we were going out for dinner.” I tell them when we’ve hugged.

“Well, it’s not really going out is it, but we do have dinner.”

“And music, so we can dance,” Megan smiles. “Carter arranged it all you know.”

“He took me to Dirty Dancing too.”

“He’s so sweet!” Megan coos. “Are you together yet?”