strongholdrising (25 page)

"Worse not knowing," he said, blinking to keep his eyes open.
"I promise we'll tell you next time," she said, letting him go and moving aside.
"Lie down, Kusac. You'll sleep for about an hour, then you'll be fine," Kaid said.

* * *

The comm on the upper level buzzed and while Kaid went to answer it, Carrie spread a rug over Kusac then settled down on a floor cushion, watching him. Reaching out, she took hold of his hand, feeling his fingers curl around hers as he drifted off to sleep. It was the first time since they'd returned from Haven that he'd made any affectionate gesture toward her or allowed her this close. She leaned forward, resting her head against his side, content for now.
A few minutes later, Kaid rejoined her, a strange look on his face. "Remember I told you that Raiban's been getting petty with the Brotherhood by refusing to issue Forces ammunition to our people when they're working for her? That she's making them buy their own? Well, we've just had a very strange request from Rhyaz. He's asked if we'd allow Captain Kishasayzar and two of his crew to stay on the estate for several weeks while we train them in appropriate Brotherhood skills. Seems that our Sumaan friend went back home and told his superiors what happened at Haven. Now he's free to take contracts where he wants, the Sumaan decided that it's time they improved their fighting skills. In return, they've offered to gather information for us. Not just Kisha, but all his people. I'm sure the two are connected. I wonder what Rhyaz is up to."
"You're joking," said Carrie, sitting up. "The Sumaan actually said they want to spy for the Brotherhood?"
Kaid nodded. "They'll only pass on what they consider we should know, but they get to places we can't, like the Chemerian worlds. Who'd suspect the Sumaan of being agents for us? I'd say they were harboring a pretty deep resentment of their tree-climbing employers, wouldn't you?"
"But alien Brothers?"
"We have gene-altered Humans," he reminded her gently.
"I don't consider myself Human now," she said after a moment's thought. "What did you tell Rhyaz?"
"That the decision is yours and Kusac's, not mine. Dzaou's unit settled in fine, apart from Dzaou himself, but I don't know if Kusac wants your home estate to become a training camp for alien Brothers."
"You've got a say in it too," she reminded him. "It's also your home."
"I know you both gave me that right, but I think I should take a back seat for the foreseeable future. I don't want Kusac to feel Challenged by me in every area of his life with you."
"What life with me?" she asked, getting to her feet. "We have none. He sleeps in the nursery, and when it's our Link day, you know he takes Kashini up to his parents' home. I don't know where I am with him, Tallinu. It's as if all the love was burned out of him by J'koshuk and Chy'qui."
"I didn't realize it was that bad," he said, touching her arm briefly.
"Oh, it's that bad. You're not helping me any, either," she said pointedly, looking at him. "When we arrived home, you asked me not to back away from you. Now it's you who seems afraid of any real closeness. I feel as if I've lost you both."
"I've only been thinking of Kusac," he said awkwardly, not meeting her gaze. "Everyone comes to me now they realize Kusac won't get involved with estate life. Even Garras asks me about major decisions he handled himself while we were away. I feel like I'm stepping into Kusac's tracks, taking over his life, and I don't like it." He looked up at her. "I don't want Kusac's life, Carrie. I want my own."
His thoughts surrounded her as he removed the privacy barrier between them.
I love you, Carrie, I always have, but I never wanted us to be Leskas. It's too much for me.
His hands cupped her face as he rested his brow on hers.
I know, but it happened and we have to cope as best we can,
she replied, wrapping her arms around him and holding him close, locking deep within her the hurt for him, for Kusac, and for herself. She felt imprisoned within the dark vault that was her own mind, as if she was running around hammering on the walls, desperate to escape, only there was no way out.
Since we're being so honest with each other, do you believe there's any hope that Kusac will be cured?
she asked.
His hands moved to rest on her shoulders.
There's always hope. Noni will be here in five days, and we've yet to hear from Kzizysus, the TeLaxaudin. It shouldn't be long before their Ambassador arrives and when he does, we'll have an official channel through which to reach them. Go and get yourself ready to meet your father, Dzinae. I'll stay with Kusac.
What about you? You need time to change, too.
I'll be there, but with Dzaka and Kitra. Better your father doesn't learn too much about our Triad. If he found it difficult to accept one Sholan husband, the thought of you having two will not comfort him.

* * *

They sat waiting in the family garden at the rear of the main house. Kashini, brushed till her pelt shone like new cut corn, toddled around the edges of the flower beds, examining each blossom with her nose, then fingers and mouth. Rhyasha was telling her stories of Kusac at just the same age but she couldn't really concentrate on them because Konis was in the lounge talking privately to Kusac.
"Carrie, stop fretting," admonished her bond-mother in a low voice as she leaned toward her. "All will be fine. Your father has had plenty of time to get used to our people on his own world, never mind the day he spent at the Palace."
"I'm not worried about him, it's Kusac," she said. "He's been so different since the Primes had him. I want my father to see Kusac's true self, not what he's become."
Rhyasha took Carrie's hand in hers, squeezing it gently. "I know something of what's been happening lately," she said. "That's why Konis is having a word with him now."
Carrie looked up sharply. "What do you mean?"
"I know my son well, cub. I can tell, even without being able to sense his mind, when things are wrong between the two of you. And I know you. I can only imagine what it's been like with both of them carrying around their guilt for what happened." She reached up to caress her cheek. "And you with a cub on the way." Abruptly, she changed the subject. "I invited T'Chebbi. As Kaid's Companion, she should be here. Involve her more in your life, cub. Don't always be worrying you'll put Kusac's nose out. He has to learn to cope with the changing relationships between the four of you. Don't let your friendship with her, or her relationship with Kaid, suffer because of worrying that my son will feel you're filling his home with people. It's your home, too, and they were living with you before you went to Jalna."
Carrie gave a wan smile. "You're far too perceptive for my good," she murmured.
"I can't run the Aldatan Clan and estate without knowing something about Sholan nature, cub," she smiled. "No need for you to live like a widow because your life-mates are practicing self-denial. Encourage them! I hear T'Chebbi has an interesting range of perfumes," she whispered, eyes twinkling with mischief.
Carrie choked, trying to suppress her laughter. "You heard about that too?" she grinned.
Rhyasha flattened her ears in embarrassment. "Not only that, I had it used on me by Konis."
"Konis?"
"Shush!" hissed Rhyasha, looking round to see if anyone had heard. She leaned conspiratorially closer. "He was so worried about me just after we had the news of Kusac from the
Hkariyash
that he went to Vanna for advice rather than to our usual physician. She'd heard the story of T'Chebbi and Kaid from Garras— apparently Kaid told him— and she suggested Konis use this perfume she'd heard of."
"But how did he get hold of it with T'Chebbi away?"
"Konis is too embarrassed to tell me, but I gather Vanna got Dzaka and Kitra involved in finding it, then she went to her sister, Sashti, to make up something for him based on that perfume."
"And it worked, I take it."
"Too well," murmured Rhyasha. "I haven't told anyone else in the clan yet, but he persuaded me it was time to have another family, so now we're expecting twins in four months."
Carrie hesitated, unsure whether or not to congratulate her bond-mother.
"Oh, yes, now I'm used to the idea, I'm very happy, and so is Konis. But twins!" She shook her head and smiled wryly. "So much work. It provided the distraction I needed, and has given me the ability to sit back from my son's problem and be a little more objective."
They heard the sound of an approaching aircar. "Time for us to get Kusac, don't you think?" said Rhyasha, getting up and smoothing down the skirt of her more formal long purple robe.

* * *

"I have every sympathy with you, Kusac. There's little worse that a telepath can suffer than the loss of his Talent, but life has to go on. You cannot continue neglecting your duties toward the clan you fought so hard to found. Nor can you let your Triad fall apart."
"Garras manages the estate far better than I can right now, Father. He did well while we were away."
"How do you know? Have you checked through his reports? Gone to inspect the crops in the fields, examined the herds? We both know you haven't. And before you assume I'm spying on you, or someone has been coming to me complaining, they haven't. I can see the evidence for myself in the way those closest to you are behaving. I may not be able to feel your moods any more, Kusac, but I can feel theirs. You let yourself down, and the trust these people put in you."
Kusac sat silently, trying to deny the truth in what he said. How could his father expect him to just pick up the pieces of his old life and fix it as if it were a broken toy?
Konis reached out to touch him on the knee. "It's only because I love you that I'm telling you this," he said quietly. "You're pushing those closest to you away, like Carrie. She says nothing, but I can feel her unhappiness. She carries it everywhere with her. Only you can lift it. Not Kaid, not anyone else but you. She suffered badly too, and like you, she's living with the result of her captivity. And I don't just mean the cub she's expecting, I mean you. Every time you turn aside from her, you make it worse."
"Why do you think I tried to kill myself?" he asked, feeling the beginnings of anger stirring again. Why did everyone feel they had a right to lecture him about his life?
"To avoid dealing with the situation," said Konis, his tone becoming colder as he withdrew his hand. "Just as you're using anger now to avoid talking about it. Go ahead, lose your temper, Kusac. Let Carrie down in front of her father. Neither your mother nor I are prepared to avoid saying what we think for fear you'll lose your temper. That's your decision, not ours. You were brought up to have more self-control. It's time you exercised it."
Shocked, Kusac could only look at him in disbelief.
"You have responsibilities, Kusac," Konis said more gently. "You've a mate and a cub. Time you remembered that and got on with your life instead of giving in to self-pity. Carrie's father is Governor of the Human world of Keiss. He alone of the Humans has a place on the Allied Worlds Council. Will you humiliate your life-mate and all Shola in front of him by treating Carrie as if she were a stranger? You do realize she now has the right to go back to Keiss, taking her daughter with her, don't you? She can dissolve the marriage to you if she wishes, now she's no longer tied to you by a Leska Link. Are you going to continue to give her reasons to want to leave?"
"What?" It had never occurred to him that she'd be free to leave and take Kashini with her. "But she can't! We'd never get our Link back if that happened!"
Konis' expression softened. "You do still love her."
"Of course," said Kusac automatically. "Has she spoken to you or Mother?" he asked, suddenly afraid. "Is this why her father's visiting us, to take her home?"
"No, Kusac. He's on Shola in an official capacity. It's the first opportunity he's had to visit, that's all." Konis sat back, watching him carefully. "I knew that you were missing weeks before your mother did. I had to keep silent, carry it around inside me without her finding out because of the security involved. My behavior during that time nearly lost me not only Kitra but your mother. Don't make the same mistake I did. For Vartra's sake, Kusac, show her you care, now, before you do alienate her."
His head had started to ache and he put his hand up to rub it. "How can I, Father? I failed her. It's my duty, as you said, to protect her. If I hadn't told the Valtegan priest about her sister, he wouldn't have been interested in her at all. It was my fault she was..."
"Kusac, stop this," Konis interrupted him firmly, leaning forward and shaking him by the shoulders. "The priest was asking questions about her from the first. I know, I've read a transcript of your debriefing. He recognized her before he even saw you! There was no way you could possibly have stopped him. He wanted Carrie because her sister had died without giving him any information about the Keissian guerillas."
"I should have been able to keep quiet too!" he said, dropping his head to his hands, distraught at the memory. "If a Human female could do it, why couldn't I? Kaid trained me in what to do if we were caught and interrogated. He succeeded in keeping information from Ghezu! Only
I
failed, Father!"
He felt his father's hand on his head, then a glass was held in front of him. He smelled the sharp scent of arrise.
"You didn't fail, Kusac," said his father gently. "Kaid has told you, Carrie has told you, and now I'm telling you. Will you finally believe us all and stop surrounding yourself with guilt? Drink this. You need it. Even with the psi suppressants, you're still managing to broadcast. Is your wrist damper turned up to full?"
He released his head, sitting up to take the glass. "Yes," he muttered before downing the drink in one swallow and handing the empty glass back. It tasted as bitter as it smelled. "My Talent's gone. I don't see how you can possibly be picking up anything from me."
"You know I can pick up a newly emerged latent telepath from just about anywhere on this continent, Kusac," said Konis, putting the glass on the table behind him. "It's not surprising I should sense you. The arrise will help the headache by damping all the residual psi activity. Your Talent isn't completely gone, there is something left."
"Just not enough to use, and when I do use it without realizing, I suffer for it," said Kusac morosely.
"Be grateful there is something left," said Konis, sitting beside him. "There's still hope. We've only just begun to find out what can be done to help you. The TeLaxaudin are still working on it. The Prime Ambassador M'szudoe assured me word would be sent directly here when they have news of any kind. In the meantime, you have to adapt, live your life as normally as possible. And that includes making an effort with those who are your closest friends."
They heard footsteps and looked round to see Rhyasha and Carrie coming in from the garden.
"We heard the aircar," said Rhyasha. "Time for them to go and greet Mr. Hamilton."
"You're not coming with us?" asked Kusac, looking over at his mother.
"No, that's for you and Carrie," said Rhyasha, pushing Carrie forward. "On you go, don't keep him waiting. We'll be in here. The others will stay in the garden till the time is right to introduce them."