Read Stupid Movie Lines Online
Authors: Kathryn Petras
Stupid Movie Lines (4 page)
On Cockpit Talk, Swingin’:
Bill:
You see? Such is life in Uncle Sam’s air force!
Chick:
With wings you swing. Without a pair you’re nowhere.
Bill:
You know, I think I understand that!
Gregory Walcott (Bill) to his beatnik communications officer “Chick” in the Korean War film
Jet Attack,
1958
On Colossi, Sexy:
SEE a female colossus … her mountainous torso, skyscraper limbs, giant desires!
Ad for
Attack of the 50 Foot Woman,
1958
On Comebacks, Biting:
Brooke (holding up her black lace panties):
You must want me to put these on?
Tim:
I can’t bite them off if you don’t!
Kim Cattrall as the boss’s wife and Rob Lowe in
Masquerade,
1988
On Comebacks, Timeless Clichéd:
Girl 1:
You could time that heap with an hourglass.
Girl 2:
Did someone mention my figure?
Go-go girl (Tura Satana) making fun of innocent Susan Bernard’s boyfriend’s car in
Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!,
1966
On Come-ons, Agricultural:
I always knew sex was corny, but I never knew corn was so sexy!
Pilot to farm gal in
Starfighters,
1964
On Come-ons, Country Gal Style:
Don’t it get lonely out here? Or is milking that cow good enough for you?
Pia Zadora as the sexy jailbait to Stacy Keach in
Butterfly,
1981
On Come-ons, Damp:
Cynthia:
Hey! You’re all wet! I saw you last night at the Crazy Club … you were great! You’re cute!
Mike:
Naw, you’re cute!
Elvis Presley (Mike) and Shelley Fabares (Cynthia) in
Spinout,
1966
On Come-ons, Limp:
Man:
You have a very soft body.
Woman:
Soft? I work out two hours a day to keep it firm!
Man:
You have very soft skin over a very firm body.
Young man trying to seduce Loni Anderson in
Three on a Date,
1978
On Come-ons, Monstrous:
Your puritan upbringing holds you back from my monsters, but it certainly hasn’t hurt your art of kissing.
Horror writer to woman in
Orgy of the Dead,
1965
On Come-ons, Slick:
If you ever decide to swim the Channel, I’d like to handle the grease job!
Bad guy Tony (Robert Wagner) ogling Holly (Debbie Reynolds), before he becomes a good guy in
Say One for Me,
1959
On Come-ons, Terrible:
You don’t look like my ex-wife at all. She was well-bred and rather frail, except for her famous mammalia. You look more like a cow than my late wife. Oh, no offense. I’m very fond of cows. Moooooo!
Robert Mitchum to Liz Taylor in
Secret Ceremony,
1968
On Come-ons, Too Cool:
Hiya, tall, dark, and delinquent.
Blond bombshell Dorothy Provine talking tough to teen boys in the coed reform school lunchroom in
Riot in Juvenile Prison,
1959
On Comedic Moments, Flat Not Phat:
Emma, Victoria, Melanie C., Melanie B., Geri. You’ve been charged with releasing a single that was no more kicking than your previous ones. Nor does it have such a phat bass line. You are sentenced to having your next record enter the charts at 171 and having it fall out completely the following week.
Judge (Stephen Fry) sentencing the girls in
Spice World,
1997
On Communist Revolutionaries, Bee-Obsessed:
The peasant is like a wildflower in the forest, and the revolutionary like a bee. Neither can survive or propagate without the other. There is one essential difference between us and the bees, however. In this hive, I
will not
tolerate drones!
Che Guevara (Omar Sharif) to his ragtag rebel army in
Che!,
1969
On Conversations, Confusing:
Woman:
I guess even after you’ve made it, there are dues to pay.
Man:
That’s the nicest thing anyone ever said to me. Thank you.
Non-sequitur dialogue between a woman and a movie star in
Three on a Date,
1978
On Coply Wisdom:
After a psychologist says a murderer’s note doesn’t make sense:
That’s because we don’t understand it yet.
Cop to psychologist in
Knight Moves,
1992
On Copping, Cool Words About:
I’m dying to blast but I’m clean. Are you holding?
Cute coed (Diane Jergens) who’s looking for some marijuana in
High School Confidential!,
1958
On Cops, Great Moments in Forensic Deduction and:
One thing’s sure. Inspector Clay’s dead. Murdered.… And somebody’s responsible!
Police officer making an amazing discovery and deduction in
Plan 9 from Outer Space,
1959
On Cops, Intelligent:
Cop 1:
Did you get anything out of her?
Cop 2:
True, she was frightened and in a state of shock. But don’t forget, she tore her nightgown and had scratched feet.
Cop 1:
Yeah, I hadn’t thought of that.
Plan 9 from Outer Space,
1959
On Cops, Not So Bright:
I’ll have to see him before I believe he’s invisible.
Policeman who doesn’t quite know what to believe in
The Invisible Man Returns,
1940
On Cops, Philosophical Statements from:
You may know about corpses, fella, but you’ve got a lot to learn about women.
Policeman to morgue worker in
Autopsy,
1978
On Cops, Serial Killer Identification and:
I tell you what it is, Fanducci. It’s a big guy in a bulletproof dog suit. I know a serial killer when I see one.
Top cop Chief Richardson (Lawrence Tierney) to his detective, about a mysterious killer who rips his victims’ faces off and who is immune to gunfire in
Runestone,
1990
On Cops, Viewpoints About Genius Aliens and:
He makes me feel like a moron—but I like him.
Police chief (Kenneth Edwards) discussing the Venusian who has come to Earth to save us from our nuclear sins in
Stranger from Venus,
1954, starring Patricia Neal
On Cops, Wisdom from:
The minute the doctor falls in love with the patient, he’s about as useful as a papoose.
Policeman Thomas Mitchell, to the psychiatrist (Lew Ayres) who’s falling in love with one of his twin patients in
The Dark Mirror,
1946
On Cossack Predictions:
The time is soon coming where a Cossack will have something better to do than carry horses around the house.
One far-seeing Cossack having a discussion with his buddies in
Taras Bulba,
1962
On Costars, Helpful Definitional Moments of:
Captain:
Well, the magnetic field on the dark side could exert a gravitational pull, and, uh …
Copilot:
And that means that this is a natural decompression chamber, doesn’t it, sir?
The captain (Sonny Tufts) forgetting his line and being helped by his costar, Douglas Fowley, in
Cat Women of the Moon,
1954
On Could You Repeat That, Please?:
I am Criswell. For many years I have told you the almost unbelievable, related the unreal, and showed it to be more than fact.
Promo for
Night of the Ghouls,
1959, featuring Criswell, the TV psychic
On Courtroom Defenses, Great Moments in:
It’s not a crime to be a great lay.
Willem Dafoe defending Madonna to the district attorney in
Body of Evidence,
1993
On Cover Girls, Final Word on:
They’re Over-Exposed
But Not Under-Developed!
Ad for
Cover Girl Models,
1975
On Craters Filled with Bubbling Molten Rock, Brilliant Deductions About:
This crater must be a lava pit!
Time-traveling elder scientist Dr. Gordon (Abraham Sofaer) examining a crater filled with bubbling lava in
Journey to the Center of Time,
1967
On Creativity, Asinine Thoughts About:
Without creativity, without life, then you are truly unable to go straight up the Devil’s ass, look him right in the face, smile, and survive.
Nicolas Cage as a philosopher/TV repairman/stud in
Zandalee,
1991
On Critics, Overwrought:
With you, sex and art go hand in hand. Sculptor … pagan … alleycat!
Art critic (DeForest Kelley) to sculptor/tramp Susan Hayward in
Where Love Has Gone,
1964
On Crocodile Priestesses in Love:
Jungle Kiss!!
When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her—she was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes—she was
no longer the frozen-hearted high priestess under whose hypnotic spell the worshipers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed—she was a girl in love!
SEE the ravening charge of the hundred sacred CROCODILES!
Ad for
Her Jungle Love,
1938
On Crouch Bunnies, Tough Talk to:
So if any of you crouch bunnies thinks that me and my men are going to go on protecting and serving the interests of amen snorters like you, you gotta start forking over the coin … right now!
Detective (John Saxon) to a worried city council when asked about the horrible murders in town, in
Blood Beach,
1981
On Cult Leaders, Homey:
Don’t you
ever
touch the sacrificial fluids … okeydokey?
Psycho cult leader Sam Raimi to follower (played by his real-life brother) who was dipping his hands in a bucket of blood in
Thou Shalt Not Kill … Except,
1987
On Cute Female Assistants, Typically Dumb 1960s Variety:
Female assistant:
What makes you think they’re in that time co-ord … co-ord …
Male scientist:
Coordinate!
Smart scientist in the time-travel laboratory helping his not-so-smart female assistant with that tough word “coordinate” in
Journey to the Center of Time,
1967
On Cuteness, Excessive:
Boys, boys! Calm down! Haven’t you heard of the word “compromisation”?
Ginger Spice (Geri Halliwell), being cute, in
Spice World,
1997
On Cutesy Orphans, Ones We’d Rather Not Meet:
Goshers! Chow! Is sure smelling good, Mr. Dealey-Buddy! Is tasting good, too?
Dondi (David Kory), the poor little Italian orphan boy, to David Janssen in
Dondi,
1961
On Cutting Off Male Organs, Key Points About:
Surgeon:
You realize that once we cut it off, it won’t grow back. I mean, it isn’t like hair or fingernails or toenails or nothing.
Myron:
What do you think I am, some kind of idiot? I know that!
John Carradine as the surgeon to Rex Reed as Myron, just before Myron’s sex change operation, in
Myra Breckinridge,
1970
On Daddies, Dubious:
Molly:
Daddy, she says I bounce when I walk. Do I? Do I?
Daddy:
Heh, heh, heh. In a pleasant and unobjectionable way.
Sandra Dee as Molly and Richard Egan as Daddy discussing Molly’s repressive mother in
A Summer Place,
1959
On Daddies, Dubious Drinking and Pill-Popping:
Then he drives around with her in that van of his, drinking, taking pills—I’m sure he doesn’t
think
about putting a seat belt on her.
Stripper Erin Grant (Demi Moore) worrying about her daughter’s safety with her ex in
Striptease,
1996
On Dads, Terrible Truth About:
I worked for your father twelve years and it was just one long parade of poontang.
Dad’s (Kirk Douglas’s) ex-maid telling it like it was to daughter Deborah Raffin in
Once Is Not Enough,
1975
On Dames, Space Driving and:
Maybe space driving is easier for dizzy dames. There’s less traffic in outer space.
Narrator in Italian import
Sexy Proibitissimo,
1963
On Dancers, Fishy:
You look good. You move like a rainbow trout.
Television producer (Phil Harris) to a dancer who is auditioning in
The Cool Ones,
1967
