Subject to Change (9 page)

Hawk smoothed his palm in from my side and down over my stomach, resting it there and moving his thumb down, down, down, then pressing in and circling gently through my wet heat.

When he found the right spot, it felt like he touched some savage place inside my very core.

“Holy shit, Hawk!” I managed, before his mouth covered mine again.

I’d never imagined I’d feel anything like this — hadn’t even read about anything like this. I’d seen the faces of the actors in movies and giggled because their expressions and their noises had to be an exaggeration. No one could ever make me feel that good. It wasn’t possible for someone to make me feel like I was made of electricity, like I was no longer rooted to the earth.

I couldn’t take it anymore. A person couldn’t possibly live inside this pleasure for this long and survive. But then a warm heat built inside of me, coating every sensation and making me want more — harder, faster, stronger. Hawk licked a trail up my neck, and my mouth fell open, my back arching my head straight into the pillow. A low keening moan escaped my lips as the incredible pressure and everything-but-nothing-ness finally claimed me. One, two, three hard thrusts later, waves of heat and overwhelming pleasure so intense the rest of the world ceased to exist crashed over me, and then we were moaning together, kissing greedily, slowing our movements, and finally, finally, stopping.

We lay there on our backs, me trying to find my breath, him running his hand back through his hair. I wanted to press myself against him again, to feel those muscles under my skin and his hands in my hair, but my skin burned and tingled with fire. I could hardly move. I was reeling from having been so deliciously on edge seconds ago and being flooded with such indescribable sensations now.

I didn’t know how long we stayed like that, in the stupid-grinning, staring-into-the-darkness afterglow, but our fingers touched and played against each other so slightly I could have been imagining it. After a couple minutes, I tugged the top cover up to my chest. I turned my head to the side to face him until he did the same.

I smiled. “I’m getting up. Bathroom.”

His eyebrows furrowed, and his fingers wrapped around mine, tight and full. “Don’t leave yet. Stay, okay?”

My heart jumped. “Yeah. I’ll stay.”

In the bathroom — decently clean for a guy’s — I used the toilet, cleaned up a bit, and splashed some water over my face, the whole time buzzing over what I had done — over what we had done. The warmth that had swept every part of my body still remained, tingling reminders of just how amazing Hawk was at giving me exactly what I wanted — what I needed.

When I climbed back into bed, I finally felt calm and cooled off. Though I still wanted his skin on mine again.

Holy hell, what was this guy doing to me?

I shimmied under the covers, and Hawk didn’t move. My hand reached out and rested gently on his chest, testing the boundaries. Just because we’d had mind-blowing sex didn’t mean he wanted to cuddle, even though I would have given my right arm to feel his chiseled body against mine all night long.

After three seconds of touching him and feeling his deep, steady breaths, I realized he’d already fallen asleep. So I let my hand lay heavy there and rolled to my side, facing him. A smile played on my lips. He was so much less combative when he was sleeping.

Then Hawk, in his sleepy half-conscious state, reached over, gripped my shoulder, and pulled me tight to him. His other arm wrapped around my back.

My heart fluttered in my chest like a hummingbird on crack until a few seconds later it slowed to beat in time with his, and my eyes drifted shut, too.

I knew just one thing as I fell asleep that night: For the first time in my entire life, I was letting my heart take me somewhere instead of my head.

Chapter 9

The next
morning, bright light flooded my eyes, and a delicious soreness throbbed between my legs. I must not have realized how long it had been since I spent the night with a guy, but now that I thought about it, it had been over a year. Between dealing with the sorority and trying to juggle Orgo, Anatomy, and all my other mind-bending classes, I’d barely had time to sleep myself, let alone find the time to actually be with someone.

I reached my arm out and let my hand drift over the sheets next to me where Hawk had been last night. They were cold. I cracked my eyes open. He was gone, but there was something on the pillow next to me. Was that…a half-folded envelope? From the electric company?

I grabbed it, and sure enough, there was handwriting on it:

Had to go.

x Hawk

I rubbed my hand across my face, then sat up and squinted at the note again. “What the….”

Great. This was great. Hawk, an almost stranger, had left me alone in his apartment with no clue of where he was or when he would come back. I didn’t know whether to be worried about him or furious with him, so I settled on a little of both.

I found my bra, camisole, and button-down across the room and then stepped into my pants, sans panties after I saw the scrap of lacy white on the floor. My cheeks burned — partly from the memory but mostly at the thought of how awesome it had been to have Hawk’s gorgeous hands literally tearing at my clothes.

At least I was wearing a business outfit instead of clubbing clothes. My walk of shame wouldn’t be quite so obvious.

In the bathroom, I splashed water on my face and stared in the mirror. I expected to look like a wreck, but I was surprised at how open and happy my face looked. Glowy, even. Holy hell, was I falling for this guy?

Watch yourself, Joey. He did leave you here the morning after.

I rinsed out my mouth with water, but it wasn’t enough to remove the funky taste from lemon and capers and Hawk. God, those delicious abs… Would I ever be able to stop thinking about the sight of him, naked, kneeling in front of me?

I glanced up in the mirror to catch a stupid grin creeping across my face. Again.

“Okay, focus, Joey. Toothpaste.” Now I was actually talking to myself. I shook my head. It could only go downhill from here.

I opened the cabinet under the sink and rummaged through the mess of stuff under there — stray towels, a container of half-filled hand soap, disposable razors. No luck on the toothpaste though.

I overturned one last hand towel in the back corner of the cabinet and stared blankly at what was left.

A half-full box of tampons.

My mind raced. Hawk said he didn’t have a roommate, and a guy — especially a guy like Hawk — didn’t just keep tampons around in case visitors needed them. No, a guy like Hawk, who lived alone, would only ever keep tampons for one person. A girlfriend.

What. The. Fuck.

I spun around to grab the door handle, when I saw something crumpled up in the corner behind the door. Something that looked lacy.

Dammit.

I bent down for closer inspection — no way was I touching that — and saw the tag of a lingerie store poking out the back.

I couldn’t believe I was cleaning up the morning after in the same bathroom as another girl’s panties.

Tears pricked at my eyes, first because of the surprise, then just because I was pissed off at myself. Why had I trusted this douche enough to sleep with him? He had to have a girlfriend. Had to. Of course he did. He was hot, and he bartended. That was worth a lot to a certain sort of girl.

My mind whirled around the possibility — which I knew was much more than that — that I’d just been used for an easy, quick fuck. The girl who volunteered at Rowland House and was so concerned about how you’d dealt with your sister’s cancer was a sure thing. No problem to get into bed.

“Goddammit!” I spat. If I was being honest with myself, I was angrier with myself than anyone else. I should have been more careful. I should have insisted on dating him. I would have found these things out.

I stormed out into the living room and grabbed my messenger bag. When I picked it up, I had to do a double take. Right underneath it was a hair elastic, and judging from the long, black, curly hair caught in it, it was definitely not mine.

“Holy
shit
!” I yelled at no one.

Normally, I would worry about how to lock the door behind me, but this time, I didn’t give a shit. I just left and let it slam behind me, whipping out my phone and thanking God that it still had any charge to it. I tapped out a message to Cat.

Meet me at Caffeine Nirvana?

Good morning, sex goddess.

Seriously, Cat. Will you?

Nate’s with me, that okay?

I hesitated. I loved Nate, I really did, but I did not need to see their PDA right now.

Then she texted again.

…or should he drop me off?

I breathed a sigh of relief.
That one.

You okay?

I’ll just….see you in 10. Okay.

xoxox

Ten minutes later, the bus stopped in front of my favorite coffee spot. Cat and I’d found it freshman year when we stopped in there once and the baristos had flirted with us mercilessly. We thought we were hot shit until we realized they did that to every freshman girl. Probably to keep them coming back.

For us, it had worked. I’d gotten addicted to their super-caffeine-charged, special dark roast blends and relied on them to keep me awake for many nights of slogging through my first Orgo class. Of course six semesters later, the caffeine jolt has lost some of its kick.

Cat and Nate stood together in front of the door, talking with foreheads together, her arms looped around his waist under his jacket. It hit me like a Mack truck.

I wanted what Cat and Nate had. Badly. Someone to walk with me four blocks in the frigid January air and then wait with me just because he liked being together. Someone to take care of me, to give a shit what I ate and how much sleep I was getting and how all my classes were going.

I didn’t know if Hawk was that guy, but dammit, I wanted him to be. Except after ditching me like a dirty towel, I was pretty sure I was never going to frickin’ speak to him again.

I cleared my throat, and they looked up. “Hey, guys,” I called, trying to blink away the prick of tears at the corners of my eyes and failing miserably.

“Jo, what’s up?” Cat dropped her arms from Nate’s waist and headed toward me.

Nate peered at my face. “Hey, you okay?”

He and I had gotten to know each other a bit better since last semester, and I swore he was the most chivalrous college guy I’d ever met. He seemed to care about all of Cat’s sorority sisters, but I’d started to feel like an actual sister to him, too.

“Oh, just some stupid guy. I don’t know. It’s nothing.”

“Sure as hell doesn’t look like nothing,” Nate said, a harshness growing in his voice.

“No, really. It’s… I slept over last night, but I think he has a girlfriend. Maybe.”

“What the… Why are college guys such fucking douchebags? What’s his name? Or where does he live? Whichever you prefer.”

Cat shook her head. “Nate, she said she
thinks
. Maybe.” She placed a gentle hand on his chest, and he visibly relaxed.

“Well,” he said, looking at me with soft eyes, “if you figure it out, you have my number.”

I gave him a half-smile. “Thanks.”

“Cat’s best friend is mine, too.” He slung an arm around my shoulders and kissed the top of my head. I was so much shorter than him, it was easy. “You let me know.”

“Okay, babe. She’s got it.” Cat reached out, grabbed his t-shirt, and slammed a quick kiss on his lips. “I’ll call you, okay?”

“Yeah. Love you.”

“You too,” Cat said with a wink.

Yeah. I definitely loved and hated those two at the same time.

I settled into our usual table. At nine thirty, most of the early morning crowd was either already in class or still sleeping. Cat headed straight to the counter and came back with our usual morning order — two large chai chargers. If I wasn’t totally awake before I had one of these, I would be after.

I sat forward, took a sip and almost felt the caffeine hit my bloodstream. I breathed in deep through my nose. “Okay…”

“Okay,” Cat replied. “Tell me everything.” Her eyes were worried.

“I didn’t even want to see him. I mean, I didn’t even try. But I ran into him.”

Cat’s eyebrows furrowed. “At the hospital?” ’

“No, at Rowland House. He brings dinner there.”

“Yeah, you mentioned that. But what were you doing there?”

I paused. “Did I really tell you that?”

She nodded. “Just one reason it’s obvious you really like him.”

“I…I don’t know. All I know is that he kissed me, and then he made me dinner, and then he was acting weird, and somehow we started making out and….” Suddenly, my cheeks felt hot again.

Cat leaned forward with a grin and, thank God, lowered her voice. “It was good, wasn’t it? It was, like, the best you’ve ever had?”

“Considering I’d only ever had Bobby Gable when he was drunk and a year of sleeping with Chris,” I said, referring to my ex who everyone had known to be pretty lazy in the bedroom, “but yeah. It was really good. Like,
really
good.”

“Okay, so why are you on the verge of a weeping breakdown?”

I explained to Cat all the things about Hawk’s apartment that screamed, “Hey, dumbass, I have a girlfriend and I just cheated on her with you.”‘

She blew out a breath and slumped back in her seat. “I’ve gotta say, it doesn’t look good. I mean, it could be a misunderstanding. It could always be a misunderstanding, right? I mean, look at me. I broke up with Nate for like a week because I wouldn’t let him explain.”

“Okay, yeah. But you had a good reason to suspect he was an asshole.”

“Uh huh. But he wasn’t an asshole. I mean, he was, but now he’s not.”

“Are you saying that maybe Hawk used to have a girlfriend and somehow her tampons and frickin’ panties and hair ties are still lying around his house?”

Cat pressed her lips into a thin line. “Okay. You have a point. And the fact that he would tell you almost nothing about himself… I don’t know. I mean…do you want to see him again?”

I stared out the window trying to lose myself in the blur of cars passing by and students walking to class, hoping some answer would magically pop up outside the coffee shop.

“I…yeah. I do. I can’t explain it, but I really do. When I’m near him…it’s like my whole body is on edge. Mostly in a good way. I don’t think a guy has ever done that to me.” My voice trailed off. “I know he’s got some issues, but…”

“So, obviously, things aren’t perfect right this moment. But there’s a lot to be said for chemistry, Joey. If you can clean a kitchen with the man and want to get in his pants the whole time, that’s something to consider. I mean, not that I’m a relationship expert or anything, but when you feel like that, maybe think twice about just trashing him outright, you know?

I clutched at my coffee, and my eyes pooled with tears again. “I know. But geez. I’m so embarrassed.”

“Oh honey, I’m so sorry. This is so shitty. When do you have to see him next?”

“Tuesday.” A sense of relief washed over me. The benefit of having a Tuesday/Thursday class was that there was a solid four-day break between. “But, shit. I have to meet with him some time to talk about this damn project.”

And how the hell I was going to do that, I had no idea. The thought of having to sit across from him and talk business made my stomach ache.

“Is he supposed to call you?” Cat asked.

“No, in fact, he doesn’t have my number. I’m supposed to call him.”

“Here’s what you do. Text him and say you need to talk. Even the dumbest guys understand those four little words mean they’re in trouble.”

“You really think I should?” My fingers trembled as they hovered over the phone. Finally, I managed to type his name in “To” field.

“Yep. Exactly those words. ‘We need to talk.’”

So I did and clicked send. I waited for the indicator that he was texting back, staring at my phone for five seconds, then ten.

“Put it away,” ordered Cat. ”Staring isn’t going to help. God, it’s such a shame that the sex was so good but he’s such a disappointment.”

“We don’t know that yet,” I said, but even I didn’t believe it. My voice was weak and trailed off into the trembling that came before tears.

“Whatever. Whatever. We are not going to let him get to you. Put the phone away, and let’s go to the library. Don’t you have some Orgo to kill?”

She had a point. The time I would have spent studying and working problems last night was taken up by…much more enjoyable activities, and now Orgo was coming back, as always, to bite me in the ass. Dammit.

But instead of thinking about Orgo, all I could do was replay last night over and over — the hot, wet feel of Hawk’s mouth on my skin, the sensation of him moving against me, inside me. I’d wanted to shake bad memories before, but trying to get rid of a good one? This was a first. I glanced at my phone one more time. Still no reply.

For the first few hours, I managed to keep my phone stashed in my backpack. That didn’t mean I didn’t get flashes of the night before with every Orgo problem I broke my head over.

It wasn’t just that the sex was incredible — even though it was. It was the thrill and the rush of the whole thing. I never did things like that. Sleep with a guy, sure. Sleep with a guy I’d never really officially dated? Never.

Sleep with a guy I didn’t even like? Definitely not.

But that was the thing that kept bugging me more and more. Hawk wasn’t the kind of guy I was supposed to like or had ever liked before. But I knew that he took care of other people, even though he didn’t have to; that he trusted his gut; and that he dreamed of something bigger. I didn’t know much else about him, but I wanted to change that. Wanted to find out more about the guy who fed Rowland House, wanted to know more about his life. Wanted to feel his sexy abs beneath my fingers again. Despite the fact that every one of our interactions was…well, difficult.