Substitute Daddy (5 page)

Grace nodded and said firmly, “She’ll be fine. She’ll be perfect early or late.”

Matthew squeezed her hand. “You got that right.”

Dr. Atwater smiled. “A positive attitude goes a long way. So let’s get you checked and see if you’re dilating.”

Grace began to pant. “One sec. Contraction.”

“Best time to do it,” Dr. Atwater said cheerfully. “Knees up so they fall loosely apart and we’ll see what we’re working with.”

Grace tried to breathe through the pain that was getting stronger while the doctor checked her cervix. It was so uncomfortable that she couldn’t help the moan of pain that escaped her lips.

“Can’t she have something for the pain?” Matthew asked worriedly.

“Yes, she can,” Dr. Atwater answered. “Grace, you’re about four inches, so if you want an epidural we’ll get the anesthesiologist down here. We’re going to get the monitor on you to track the baby’s heartbeat and watch both of you closely.”

“I’m on board with the epidural. A thousand times yes,” Grace answered quickly.

Dr. Atwater patted her on the leg. “Okay, I’ll write the order.”

Matthew pulled a chair close to the bed and sat down. He took her hand again and then let it go. “I’m sorry I keep holding your hand without permission. It’s the only way I know how to offer you comfort through this.”

She looked over at him. “It’s nice, actually. I mean, to have you here and not do this alone. Even if Lance was alive, I think I’d be by myself on this.”

“He had his good points. He was caring but he craved a fast life.” Matthew sighed. “I hope wherever he is, he sees what he lost out on. Maybe he’ll be her guardian angel from heaven.”

“Or something else,” she muttered.

“Don’t think about it now. Let’s focus on Lilah,” Matthew encouraged.

“Good idea,” Grace answered and winced as her stomach tightened painfully again. “You may need to beat me over the head with something if they don’t get me an epidural.”

“I don’t think it will come to that.” Matthew chuckled. “Breathe through it, deep cleansing breaths.”

“Don’t be Zen. I don’t want Zen. Please talk to me or something to get my mind off the pain,” she moaned.

So he did. She listened to his voice as he told her about the ranch. His words were so vivid she could almost see it in her mind. He talked about the horses and how her house faced the east so she’d be able to take Lilah outside to watch the sunrise. He told her about how he would get Lilah a pony and that he would teach them both how to ride. Unfortunately, it didn’t stop her pain, and even after she got the epidural, the pain level increased.

For a first time labor, hers was moving quickly, and Dr. Atwater said it was most likely because of the early labor. They couldn’t give her any more medication because they were already worried about the baby being premature, and more intravenous meds could make her sluggish and cause problems. Hearing that firmed her decision to bear the pain as her contractions got closer together. Matthew was still trying his best to calm her and help her focus through the pain.

“God, I thought epidurals were supposed to work,” she gasped.

“I know it hurts but, come on, Grace, keep breathing,” Matthew encouraged.

“How do you know it hurts? Have you ever had a baby ripped out of your insides?” she snapped.

“No, but I’ve had a stomach bug…lots of times,” he said hopefully.

“You can take your stomach bug and shove it up—”

“Whoa, how about I tell you more about the ranch?” Matthew cut her off quickly.

“No more ranch talk. I don’t care,” Grace said.

Dr. Atwater came in. “How are we doing?”

“We’re not doing good at all. My epidural seems to be only water,” Grace cried out.

“Her contractions are ninety seconds apart, and she is fully effaced and dilated,” Nurse Sunny said cheerfully, and it grated on Grace’s nerves. “She is ready to push.”

“Why are you so perky? Really, it’s not natural. Are you on something?” Grace asked in irritation.

“I’m so sorry,” Matthew said apologetically to the nurse.

Nurse Sunny waved him off. “It’s okay, I’ve heard worse. It’s the transition stage.”

Nurse Sunny and another nurse removed the bottom part of her bed and pulled out the stirrups. They got her draped for the birth while Dr. Atwater got his gloves and gown on. Her heart jumped in fright when she saw them wheel in the mobile incubator.
This is it. Time to meet Lilah.

She closed her eyes and felt tears leak out.
Please be okay,
she begged
. God, please let her be okay.
She had to wonder if she could’ve done more to make sure the baby was healthy. She didn’t have a lot to eat, but whatever she made she tried to make sure it was healthy and as best as it possibly could be for her nutritionally.

“Time to push,” Dr. Atwater said. “Next contraction, grab your legs, chin to your chest and bear down.”

“It hurts. How can it hurt so much with her being so early?” Grace asked and did as he told her.

“Push through it. There you go,” Dr. Atwater said.

“Sing,” Grace demanded of Matthew suddenly. “I need a focal point.”

“Umm, I have climbed the highest mountains, I have sailed across the sea,” he sung in a deep baritone.

“No, U2.” She leaned back and panted.

“I can see a little tuft of hair,” Dr. Atwater announced.

“She’s got a smile that it seems to me, reminds me of childhood memories…” Matthew paused to see if she would stop him again, and when she said nothing, he continued singing. “Where everything was as fresh as the bright blue sky. Oh, oh, sweet child of mine.”

“Oh, oh, sweet child of mine,” Grace joined through gritted teeth as she bore down at the next contraction.

Together they sang between her tears and pain as she brought Lilah Reid into the world. Her tiny body slipped from Grace’s womb and into the world cradled by Dr. Atwater. Grace heard a loud but weak cry. She felt elated and thankful that her baby could even take a breath to cry and grasped hope from that. Lilah continued to cry as if she knew Grace needed to hear that she was okay as they cleaned her up.

“How is she?” Grace asked, trying to sit up to see.

Dr. Atwater was by the warming table assessing the baby and answered, “She’s got all her fingers and toes, Mom, but she is having a little trouble breathing.” He brought her over for Grace to see. She was a tiny bundle wrapped in a blanket. “Here’s your baby. Give her a quick kiss. We’ve got to get her to neonatal intensive care.”

“Hi, baby girl.” Tears were in her voice as Grace reached out to touch the little fingers of her daughter’s hand. She touched her lips to the small forehead and tried to take in every feature of the tiny face before Dr. Atwater turned to put her in the incubator. He and another nurse rushed out of the room with Lilah in the glass-covered warming bed that would help sustain her out of the womb. Grace’s heart broke as she watched them leave, and even Nurse Sunny’s gentle comforting words couldn’t help her feel anything but lost. She wanted to hold her baby and comfort her, she wanted to put Lilah to her breast and nourish her, but all of that would have to wait until she was healthier, stronger and could go home.

“She is two pounds and eight ounces,” Nurse Sunny said as she worked to clean up Grace after she expelled the afterbirth, and then she moved Grace to a comfortable bed. “We’ll help you pump your colostrum and milk to feed her so she gets your antibodies and it helps her grow. I’ll get you a nice chicken salad, hot tea, and grapes. After delivering a baby, Mom needs her body to be nourished too. They’ll be in to move you to another room soon.”

“Okay,” Grace said quietly. She could manage nothing more through the sadness that enveloped her.

Matthew had stood quietly holding her hand through everything, and when Nurse Sunny left, it was just the two of them.

“She’s beautiful,” Matthew said quietly.

“I wish I could hold her, just for a few minutes, so she’d know her mommy loves her.” Grace’s voice broke on the words.

“She does, Grace,” he said. “You did just wonderful with all that you had to go through. Did you hear those cries? She’s a spitfire just like her mom. Hey, who taught you
Sweet Child O Mine
anyway?”

His words were meant to comfort, but Grace sobbed as everything she was feeling washed over her. Lilah was her sweet child, and if she had been a better parent Lilah would still be inside her womb instead of fighting to survive. Matthew made a low noise in the back of his throat and put the bar to the bed down and sat on the side before bundling her up in his arms. She cried on his chest while he crooned to her that it would all be okay.

Grace was so tired of being strong all the time that for that moment she gave into the masculine arms that held her and took all the warmth they offered. At twelve twenty-seven on December fifteenth, Lilah Madeline Reid was born. Grace felt the full spectrum of emotions pass through her at the birth of her daughter, along with the fear that any parent felt when their child was sick.

Chapter Four

Matthew forgot about everything else but Grace and the baby. He never knew such fear or excitement seeing Grace’s daughter being born. It ran through his mind more than once, and he just didn’t understand how Lance could be so callous as to give up on something like this. It made him wonder if his best friend’s bad childhood desensitized him to fact that he was going to be a father. Matthew pushed the thought aside as not being an excuse to not take care of the mother of his child. There were no excuses. How many days did she eat only once or had to portion her food so she didn’t go hungry? Each time he thought of it, Matthew wanted to pull Lance aside and beat the crap out of him, but one couldn’t argue with a dead man so all he could do was try to be the man in the child’s life that Lance would never be, dead or alive.

From the time he looked at that tiny face swaddled in the blankets, he fell in love. He remembered a conversation his mother and father had one night at the dinner table when he was a teen. He was in his teenage angst stage, surly and argumentative, and that night at dinner he’d been spoiling for a fight. His mother was always the one who would tug his ear no matter what age he was to put him in his place, while his father was more mild-mannered, and it took a lot to push him to anger. Matthew was testing the boundaries and so far his father had taken it in stride.

His mother had covered his hand that was balled into a fist on the table and said, “From the time I found out I was pregnant, your father was scared, but I was sure I would love you forever.”

“Yeah, so?” Matthew recalled saying.

“So it took me until the day I saw you in the hospital for me to love and appreciate you,” his father chimed in. “I was so damn scared of being a young father that I forgot to enjoy the moments with your mother. But when they handed you to me wrapped in your blanket I knew I’d be the best father I could be because I loved you without reason. Now, if you want a fight, Son, we could go out in the yard and I’ll give you the first punch before I knock you on your ass, but I’ll do it with love.”

They’d gone back to eating like nothing happened, and their simple comments took the wind out of his sails. He watched them eat their mashed potatoes and pork chops and talk about the day after telling him that they loved him but would kick his ass. He now understood what his father meant about instant love and loving without reason. Lilah wasn’t his creation, but he loved that tiny little face and vowed she’d lack for nothing.

Matthew watched Grace in the neonatal intensive care unit. She wasn’t the only mother in there, but his eyes were on her. She had on a blue gown and mask, and she sat in a rocking chair holding Lilah. It broke his heart to see the tiny baby with the tube running into her nose to give her extra oxygen so her lungs didn’t have to work so hard. Five days after her birth, she didn’t have a feeding tube anymore for nutrition, and she was taking Grace’s milk in tiny bottles. Lilah had gained one pound and, along with Grace, he watched her like a hawk. He hadn’t braved going into the NICU yet, even though Grace told him he could. Matthew was still trying to understand his feelings.

He was having certain feelings for Grace, ones that he didn’t quite know what to do about. She had so much going on. She was a new mother, she had this new life, a job that he offered, and her own mother was determined to see the worst in her. She didn’t need him sniffing around like some hound dog while she was trying to get on her feet. Still, the urge to kiss her was almost overpowering, and each time she let him hold her for comfort, he loved it. He knew it was for her but enjoyed every minute of it.

Grace looked up at the window where he stood and though she wore a mask, her eyes smiled brightly. She used her head to direct him to come in the room. Matthew took a deep breath and went through the routine of sterilization clearly marked on the NICU doors. Dr. Atwater, who was her physician and who delivered and Dr. Malone, who was Lilah’s Pediatric doctor, had asked to see him when he came in. So now it was up to him to talk to Grace. He put on the gown and the mask and then rang the small buzzer next to the door. The nurse came over and let him in and then she stood and watched as he washed his hands then used the alcohol foam to complete the process. Given the okay, he walked over to where Grace was sitting and looked down at her holding the baby.

“How is the princess doing?” Matthew said fondly.

“She’s perfect. She drank two ounces of milk.” Grace’s face practically glowed in delight. Matthew felt his heart race looking at her.

“That’s great!” he said.

“Dr. Malone said she has to weigh five pounds consistently or more for her to go home,” Grace explained. “They’re going to take the oxygen tube out this evening and see how she does without it. Her lung function looks really good, and her pulse-ox is right on the money.”

“You’re getting these medical terms down,” Matthew teased.

“I want to make sure I understand everything she’s got going on,” she answered. “Do you want to hold her?”

“In a bit. I actually need to discuss something with you,” Matthew said, and he noticed her frown.