Suburgatory (13 page)

At a 40 percent tax rate, this would put Sellers in the top 1 percent of America's wealthiest individuals. Sellers scoffs at this notion. “Oh please, do I look like Donald Trump? I may be ‘technically' in the top 1 percent, but with prices these days I'm really just average like everyone else. Right, guys?” He gestured to the men working, who murmured their approval.

“You know, America used to be great. Everyone had a fair shot. But I don't know anymore, I just don't know. I just hope and pray life is easier when my kids are grown up than it's been for me these last few years. And for them.”

He went on to describe some of their recent hardships. “This year, I told my wife ‘No more Nordstrom. It's Nordstrom Rack or nothing.' To see her face, oh God, as a man, that was quite a blow. That really hit my dignity.”

Sellers has also had to curtail the travel and leisure budget.

“I had to sit them all down as a family and tell them we couldn't go to Vail this year. Our ski-week would have to happen in Vermont. I thought the kids would be sad, but really, they looked terrified. Seemed like a perfect time to teach them about the tyranny of marginal tax rates.”

While some give too much, Sellers says, other “protected classes” enjoy outrageous benefits.

“These teachers and their extortionist unions get the whole fucking summer off. Wouldn't you like to have the summer off too, guys?” he said, addressing the detailing crew. “I know I would!”

With his car finished, Sellers checked his iPhone for the time and said, “Guys, not to be a dick here but I dropped the car off at noon and it's 2:06 p.m. Two-hour guarantee?”

The workers looked at him and without saying a word rang up his 25 percent discount.

“Hey, every penny counts, am I right?” Sellers said.

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PTO Stunner: New President
“Not a Power-Mad Psycho”

Suburgatory, USA—Longtime PTO participants at the Burns Elementary School are reeling at news that their new president is neither crazy, nor annoying, nor a “power-mad psycho.”

“Oh my God, I'm afraid to say it and end up jinxing it but she seemed completely normal!” said Joellen Joyce. “And.
And.
She told a dirty joke. In front of her kid. And then said, ‘Don't tell on me!'”

Joyce is referring to Laura Beazley, who was a dark-horse candidate to succeed Emily Fahdin, the previous PTO head, who was nicknamed “Bin Fahdin.” “Yeah, it's stupid, but we laughed so hard after we came up with that one,” said Joyce.

As for Beazley, Joyce said, “No one knew anything about Laura so we were convinced that she was a ‘Bin Fahdin embed,' that is, an acolyte and pawn of Fahdin, who has moved on to a bigger PTO stage at the Lexington Middle School.

Fahdin was loathed and feared for fomenting dissent, or in PTO parlance, “shit-stirring”; for launching bizarre vanity projects like commissioning a video crew to document her activities for, in her words, “posterity”; for alienating the working parents by calling them “blood-sucking PTO parasites”; and for demanding total control.

Katie Mulheren described one run-in with Fahdin, after Mulheren floated a new, and apparently unwanted, idea for improving one aspect of the school's annual Rodeo Fun Fair. “She trapped me in the spaghetti aisle at the store and got her face right up to mine. I mean, an inch away from my face, and said, ‘The Fun Fair has always been done this way, and always will. People in this town don't like change. You need to be very very careful and think really hard about what you are doing.' I really can't do it justice, it was so insane.”

Fahdin also policed members for insufficient spirit or irreverence, unless it was directed at working moms, whom she seemed to openly loathe. “Oh you don't need Freud for that one! It's because she didn't make partner at her law firm, and had to plow her type-A crazy into something. Lucky us! It was the PTO,” said Mulheren.

So when Beazley scheduled her first PTO meeting, members were prepared for the worst. Here's some of what she said:

“Thanks for coming out at night, I know that's a change for many of you but we need to try to include working parents in the PTO, so they do not feel like PTO pariahs.

My PTO philosophy can be summed up in four words: No Bullshit, No Drama. I believe PTO is for making extra money for things the school can't provide, and offering a reasonable—and I stress the word
reasonable
—number of projects to get families involved in the community or enrich education. That's it. If you, as a working parent, want to kick in a little money, that counts as volunteering, and you will be thanked alongside those fortunate enough to have time to lend their labor. There'll be no guilting under my watch. And while I welcome any and all ideas, I do not welcome cliques or backstabbing. I don't know about you, but I remember high school and have no desire to relive it.”

As Beazley finished, it was apparent several mothers were tearing up with relief at this unexpected sanity. Mulheren: “I know it's ridiculous, especially since we had that silly name for her, but this is how I felt when I heard we got rid of Bin Laden. The real Bin Laden.”

Principal Replaces Pledge of Allegiance with “Eye of the Tiger”

Suburgatory, USA— A principal has been placed on paid administrative leave after having children recite lyrics from “Eye of the Tiger” rather than the Pledge of Allegiance.

Parents learned of the principal's “lesson” when kids began using phrases from “Eye of the Tiger.” At first, they assumed the kids had learned them from Wii's “Guitar Hero” game. But they weren't singing the words, rather, they were reciting them, and one parent contacted the media. “Yeah, that principal was so far out of line, but I gotta say, I do love that song,” said parent Richard Dunn, who began humming it himself and lightly pumping his fist.

The principal in question is Jon Bohrman.

“They're making a big deal out of nothing! I was trying, very creatively, I might add, to challenge the kids at Maginn Elementary to pursue their dreams, question assumptions, and think for themselves. That's why I forced them to learn ‘Eye of the Tiger.'”

Critics of Bohrman say that was not his sole motivation. They say the answer can be found on his Facebook page, which shows he has “liked” several groups: Ayn Rand Greatest Philosopher That Ever Lived, Ayn Rand Rocks, and Ayn Rand's Breasts. Bohrman flinched a bit at the mention of that last group, but readily admits that that he is an adherent of Rand's Objectivist philosophy, which argues that morality is about the pursuit of one's own happiness or self-interest. Objectivists believe only unfettered capitalism can allow for this to flourish, and in general, believers oppose many or most forms of collective action.

“Yes, I'm a believer. Not in God, of course, but in Objectivism. I got a copy of
Atlas Shrugged
back in college from the really smart guy in my frat, a genius, hedge-fund god now. This is my favorite quote: ‘The world you desire can be won. It exists . . . it is real . . . it is possible . . . it's yours.'”

Bohrman thinks the time has come for Objectivism to flourish. “Let's face it, America is in decline. Shouldn't we emphasize to our children the importance of personal drive, of having the motivation to face down detractors and fight another day? Now,
that's
what “Eye of the Tiger” teaches, not the Pledge. Listen. . .” As he played the song, he spoke the lyrics that the kids themselves recited.

'Risin' up, back on the street.

Did my time, took my chances.

Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet.

Just a man and his will to survive.

He muted the song. “Now compare that to the Pledge. All the Pledge does is force kids to mouth empty, robotic promises to be loyal to a nation and a god. Nothing about shooting for the moon. What's that all about? I'm sure if Ayn Rand was alive, she would be a fan of the band Survivor.”

When this reporter corrected Bohrman's pronunciation of “Ayn” (he was calling her “Ann” rather than “Ein”), Bohrman paused for a moment and said, “The liberal elitist media is the reason I'm on leave in the first place, instead of back in school where I belong. But I take solace and get my drive from Rand's own words: ‘The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me.'”

“I'll tell you who's going to stop him. You're lookin' at him,” said Superintendent Phil Troutman. “But of course, the union will try to save him.”

Doesn't Bohrman see the irony that a union—a collective organization loathed by many Rand believers—is making sure he is still getting paid and will try to fight his dismissal?

“Oh, not at all. Being in the union is in my rational self-interest.”

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