Suddenly Last Summer (35 page)

“That is just chemistry.”

“Just?” He lifted an eyebrow. “I think about you all the time.”

“That is very normal. Men think of sex every six seconds.”

“In that case I’m in trouble because I’m down to about two seconds. And I’m not talking about sex. I’m talking about
you.
I think about
you
every two seconds. The way you laugh, the way you talk, the way you walk. All of it.”

“So we will go indoors and have sex and then we will go to family night and you will forget it.”

“I’m not going to forget it, Élise. This isn’t going to go away. The way I feel isn’t going to change. I love being with you. I love who you are. I love your passion. I love that you’re so loyal and that you love my family so much. I even love the side of you that would push me in the lake.” He breathed. “I love you and I really do think you love me, too.”

“I don’t! I will never fall in love again,
ever.
I told you that. You knew that. I can’t.”

“I know you don’t want to and I understand that you’re scared.” His voice was gentle. “I know you went through hell and your life fell apart. I understand that has left you feeling vulnerable and determined to protect yourself, but are you really going to let Pascal ruin the rest of your life?”

“Ruin? My life is happy! I have never been happier!”

“So you’d rather live on the edges of my family than in the center of your own?”

A lump wedged itself in her throat. “I love your family.”

“And they love you. But every night you go home to your own house and sleep alone. You deserve to live life to the full, experience everything it has to offer, not hide away here so that you don’t get hurt.”

She couldn’t breathe.

She felt as if all the oxygen had been sucked from the air.

“To tell you this is the hardest thing because I do not want to hurt you, and I know how hard it must have been to say those things to me, but I don’t love you. I don’t love you and I won’t lie to you about that.”

“What about lying to yourself?” His voice was raw. “Are you willing to do that?”

“I am not lying! I have been honest about my feelings. You are the one who has changed.”

“Yeah, I’ve changed. But I recognize that and I’m trying to deal with it. What you’re doing is hiding. When you’re ready to admit that, come and find me.” He turned to walk away and she took a step toward him.

“Wait! You can’t just— Where are you going? It’s family night.” She couldn’t believe that an evening she’d been looking forward to had ended before it had even started.

“Suddenly I’m not in the mood for family night.”

“But Alice is looking forward to it. Everyone will be there—your grandfather, Tyler, Jess, your mother and—I’ll be there, too.”

There was a brief pause and then he turned his head and looked at her. “Do you think this was easy for me? That it meant nothing? Do you really think I can tell you I love you and then sit across the kitchen table and act as if nothing happened?”

“I wish it hadn’t happened. I didn’t want it to happen.” Tears wedged in her throat and stung her eyes. “I didn’t ask you to say that. I didn’t
want
you to say that. We had an agreement—”

“Yeah.” He gave a crooked smile. “And I broke it.”

“Please don’t leave. You just arrived and—” her voice broke “—you
can’t
leave. Everyone is expecting to see you. Alice is so excited. Your mother—even Walter. They’ve talked of nothing else all week. The whole family is together for the first time in ages.”

“I hope they have a nice evening.” He turned and strode away from her, leaving Élise standing staring after him feeling as if she’d been run over by a truck.

For the first time in months he’d been intending to join them for family night, and now she’d ruined it. And
he’d
ruined it. He’d ruined everything.

Her phone buzzed and she saw a text from Kayla.

Where are you? Put your clothes on and get over here :)

Kayla thought she and Sean were—

Feeling sick, she slumped on the chair on her deck.

She didn’t want to go to family night now, either, but someone had to tell them that Sean wasn’t coming.

They’d be so disappointed.

And it was her fault.
All her fault.

Knowing she had to get it over with, she stood up and walked slowly toward the house. There was a roar of an engine and she saw a flash of red as Sean’s sports car sped out of Snow Crystal toward Boston.

Gone.

Part of her wanted to chase after him, wave her arms and yell at him to turn around but her feet were welded to the ground and her mouth was too dry to make a sound.

How could he love her?

Sean didn’t fall in love. He didn’t want that. And he knew she didn’t want that.

Shaken, she opened the door to the kitchen and was engulfed by laughter and delicious smells of cooking. Walter was in his usual place at the head of the table, Alice was knitting, Tyler was arguing with Jackson and Kayla was checking her emails under the table. Jess was helping Elizabeth with the cooking.

Maple jumped up and down like a spring, barking a welcome.

They were all there, the whole O’Neil family around the table. Only one member was missing and that was her fault. She was the reason he wasn’t here.

Her legs trembled. She felt sick.

“Come in, dear, we were wondering where you were.” Elizabeth placed a large blue casserole dish in the center of the table. “Sean is late, but I suppose that’s not a surprise to anyone.”

Élise tried to speak but her voice wouldn’t work. She stooped and picked Maple up, needing the comfort. Then she tried again.

“I— He isn’t coming.” It was such a faint croak that for a moment she thought no one had heard, but then Alice patted the chair next to her.

“Of course he’s coming, honey. He promised he’d be here. We saw his car just half an hour ago. We’re all so excited. It’s the first time Sean has been here for family night since Christmas. I just love having the whole family together.”

Elizabeth tipped crisp roast potatoes into a dish. “He’s probably taking a phone call from the hospital. You know what he’s like. Jess, I need another mat for the table, sweetheart. And some napkins.”

Tyler pulled a face. “I never understood the point of napkins.”

They weren’t listening to her. They were all so excited at the prospect of Sean’s arrival, they weren’t paying any attention.

She tried again, and this time her voice was louder. “He isn’t coming. He’s driving back to Boston.” She sank into the vacant chair, still holding Maple. The dog licked her palm and gazed up at her with warm caramel eyes, sensing her misery.

“But that just doesn’t make sense.” Alice looked puzzled. “Why would he come home and then drive back again?”

Because of her.

She was the reason.

But what was she supposed to say?
He told me he loved me, but I don’t love him?

“I’m sorry.”

There was a disappointed silence and then Elizabeth forced a smile. “Well, I don’t know why you’re apologizing. It’s not your fault.”

It
was
her fault.

This time it was
all
her fault.

She was the reason he wasn’t here with his family.

She’d driven a wedge between them and she’d never, ever intended for that to happen. She should have stopped him from walking away. Instead of allowing him to leave,
she
should have left. She should have made an excuse about being too busy in the restaurant, and encouraged him to spend the time with his family.

She’d ruined everything.

“Do you think something bad has happened?” Alice was looking troubled. “Perhaps Jackson should call him. He said he was going to be here. He doesn’t normally say that. We were all looking forward to it. Jackson, you should definitely call him. Something might be wrong.”

Something was wrong,
Élise thought. She’d hurt him.

Jackson pulled out his phone, dialed and then shrugged. “It’s going to voice mail.”

She felt like sliding under the table. Guilt showered her. This summer had finally mended the rift between Sean and his family. He should be here. He would have been here if it hadn’t been for what had happened between them. He deserved the support of his family and instead she was the one sitting here, soaking up the O’Neil warmth in her hour of misery.

“Stop fussing.” It was Walter who spoke, his voice firm. “He’s probably just been called back to the hospital, and didn’t have time to tell us. We all need to get on and eat. I’m starving.”

“Me, too.” Tyler reached for a plate. “I’m glad he’s not here. I’ll eat his portion. Just don’t expect me to use two napkins.”

Élise sat there, watching them all, these people who had taken her in and treated her like a member of the family. None of them had any idea that she was the reason Sean wasn’t here.

Jackson handed Tyler a beer. “Did you take that family out on the mountain bike trail? How did they get on?”

“They were good and the whole party returned alive with their limbs attached which is good since our resident surgeon has left us.” Tyler was about to put his feet up on the table when he caught his mother’s eye and rethought it. “Jess came, too, didn’t you, angel?”

Elizabeth’s eyes softened as she glanced at her granddaughter. “How was it, sweetheart?”

“It was fun.” Jess helped serve the food. “Except the mom couldn’t stop looking at my dad. That was pretty gross.”

“Understandable, not gross.” Tyler heaped potatoes onto his plate. “Sooner or later you’re going to have to get used to the fact that your dad is a sex symbol.”

Alice sent him a disapproving look but Jess snorted with laughter.

“Dad, that is even more gross.”

“Women just can’t help themselves around me.”

Jackson rolled his eyes. “Did you rebook them for next week?”

Jess was still giggling. “The mom rebooked. For two more sessions.”

They chatted, shared news and stories, and Élise sat quietly, her hand resting on Maple’s soft head.

Maybe they’d get through tonight, but what would happen next time? Not just family night but Christmas, celebrations, birthdays and anniversaries. Would he stay away then, too?

While she was here, he’d never be able to come home, would he?

She’d stolen this from him.

She’d stolen his family.

She looked at Jackson who was laughing at something Tyler had said. Dear Jackson, who had saved her when her life had hit rock bottom. From the first day she’d arrived at Snow Crystal, she’d known she wanted to live here forever, but how could she stay when staying meant sending an earthquake through the family?

She looked at Walter who was smiling at Alice and heaping his plate with vegetables grown in his own garden. He was improving by the day and with the winter ahead he’d be looking forward to skiing with his three grandsons.

And Elizabeth—dear Elizabeth who was like a mother to her.

They’d been so good to her.

“I wanted to thank you all.” The words blurted out and she saw their surprise. “I just— I don’t know if I have said this before but you are wonderful people and you have given me a home and a job and a life when I needed it and I will always love you very much. I just wanted to say that while we are all together here because, well, it is important to sometimes say these things.”

Elizabeth’s expression softened. “We love you, too, dear. We’re so lucky to have you.”

“I’d have to agree with that.” Walter grunted and gave her a wink. “Even if your idea of what makes a good pancake differs from mine.”

“I love her pancakes,” Alice said happily. “I’m knitting you a new scarf for Christmas, Élise. This one will be green. And I’m knitting you a sweater, Tyler.”

Tyler’s expression switched to one of alarm. “You don’t have to do that, Grams. That’s way too much work for you. You just knit Élise a scarf and I’ll enjoy looking at it.”

Alice beamed. “It’s no trouble. And with winter coming I’ll have plenty of time to knit.”

Élise looked at the wool and thought of the previous Christmas when Alice had knitted everyone a red scarf. She’d been careful to wear it every time she’d visited them.

“Are you all right?” It was Jackson who asked her the question. Jackson who noticed that she wasn’t herself.

“Me? I am fine.” She switched on her most exaggerated smile. “But it’s important sometimes to say these things so people know they are loved and appreciated.” She hadn’t done it with her mother and because of that she had to live with the fact that her mother had died not knowing how much she was loved. “You are all very special to me. The most important thing in my life.”

“Are they all like you in France?” Tyler finished his beer. “Because I don’t have a problem being loved and appreciated. Maybe I should move there.”

Everyone laughed and the attention moved away from Élise. She stroked Maple gently, drinking in their faces and their voices. And when Jackson asked her once again if she was sure she was all right, she smiled and nodded.

She was fine. She was going to be fine.

* * *

“D
R
.
O
’
N
EIL
? Your brother wants to speak to you. He says it’s an emergency.”

Sean looked up from the MRI scan he was studying. Emergency? Was it his grandfather? His heart lurched. He hadn’t been in touch all week. Not since the conversation with Élise. There had been a missed call from Jackson but no message and he hadn’t returned the call. “Which phone?”

“He’s not on the phone. He’s waiting outside.” She looked dazed. “I didn’t know you had a twin brother.”

“He’s here?” Sean straightened. “I’ll be back in a moment.” Wondering what could possibly have brought Jackson to Boston without warning, he pushed through the doors. One glance at his normally calm brother’s tense shoulders told him this wasn’t a social call. “What’s wrong? Is it Gramps?”

Jackson’s mouth was tight. “Gramps is fine. But we need to talk. Is there somewhere we can go?”