Sugar Rush (6 page)

“Because I didn't know who he was. Couldn't even remember much about my attackers other than vague features. Color of hair, maybe an idea of how tall they were. I didn't even know where the mansion was located. They tried to investigate as best they could. Contacted local cab companies to see if they could find who drove me to my house, but they couldn't come up with anything.”

“Then how did you know it was JT?” I ask, not in a disbelieving way, because I trust fully that Sela knows he was involved.

Sela's hands move, dislodging my own so she can lace our fingers together. “I was hospitalized involuntarily because of my suicide attempt. It was a pitiful attempt, but it was enough to hold me. It was the first of three hospitalizations that happened over the next few years. I drove myself crazy trying to remember details. Drove myself to absolute breakdowns fueled by guilt and self-loathing for even putting myself in that situation. I barely graduated high school. Lost all my friends because I couldn't stand to have them looking at me, wondering what was going on inside my deranged mind. I became paranoid, worried I'd get attacked again, so I hardly ever went anywhere. My parents circled in closer, became almost obsessive in their protection of me. I tried counseling and group therapy, but none of it helped. It's like I kept filling up with all of these horrible feelings compounded with helplessness at not having resolution, until I'd just snap and get committed again, although I never tried to kill myself after that first attempt.”

“How did you survive?” I ask her pleadingly, because I need her to get to the part where she tells me she pulled through.

She gives a shrug and a light laugh. “I just…gave up trying to figure it all out. Also, I took some really good antidepressants, but eventually I just had to move on. It helped when I enrolled in college, gave me a new focus.”

“But there came a point when you figured it was JT?” I prompt her.

“Yes,” she says with serious eyes. “A little over six months ago. I was watching an entertainment news show, and JT was on it. They were doing a piece about The Sugar Bowl.”

“And you recognized him?” I guess.

Her eyes turn a darker shade of blue, her lips flatten out in a grimace. “No. I recognized the tattoo of the red phoenix on his rib cage. It was one of the things I distinctly remembered that night. One of the other guys had one on his wrist too.”

This news jolts me so hard I come flying up off the couch, clutching Sela by the hips so she doesn't fall off. I quickly set her on the floor and take three steps to the side, away from her. My mouth hangs open in disbelief, and my left arm comes up across my chest, over my right shoulder, where my fingertips press into the area where the top of my phoenix tattoo resides.

She watches me carefully, knowing the impact this is having.

“I wasn't there,” I croak out, thinking the reason she's watching me is to see if there's culpability.

Immediately, her eyes grow apologetic and she steps toward me quickly. I step backward but that doesn't stop her. She barrels into me, hands coming up to clasp to the sides of my head. She presses her fingers in and holds me tight. “I know you weren't. You couldn't. I know you, Beck, and I know you'd never do that to a woman.”

“It's why you ran,” I murmur. “The morning after we met. You saw my tattoo…when I was in the shower. Didn't you? So you thought then that I might have.”

“It was before I knew you, Beck,” she chides me. “Yes, it freaked me out, but by the time you came to my apartment the next day, I had reasoned it out. There's no way a man who gave me my first orgasm…made me feel safe and secure enough to let go, could ever do that to me. I don't understand the connection with the tattoo, but I know it doesn't revolve around rape. I know it in my heart.”

Beck pulls away from me, takes another step back, and his hand covers his mouth as he looks at me with wild eyes. He reminds me of a spooked animal, but I knew the tattoo connection was going to send him in a tailspin.

“You've done nothing wrong, Beck,” I say softly, hoping to calm him down.

He lets out an almost hysterical bark of a laugh as his hand drops. “I kicked you out of our condo when you told me you were raped. I…I…took the side of a gang rapist over yours, and fucking threw you out in the hallway like a piece of trash.”

“Easy, baby,” I coo as I walk up to him. “You need to let that go.”

“Fuck,” he cries out in a deep bellow of misery as he looks at me with tortured eyes. “How could you even trust me? I'm a fucking friend and business partner to a rapist; I didn't believe you when you told me when JT—”

“You believe me now,” I say firmly as I take one more step into his space and place my hands on his chest. “And you apologized for that crap that went down yesterday. You had reason to be pissed at me. I broke into your office, Beck. I betrayed your trust too, yet you've let that go. You have to trust that I can let it go too.”

He drops his head with a loud sigh and curls one hand around the back of my neck. He tips his face until his forehead rests against mine. “I'm so fucking sorry this happened to you, Sela. I'll help make this right, I swear it. I'm going to make JT pay for what he did.”

I don't say anything for a moment, letting Beck continue to take deep breaths while the gravity of everything he just learned settles in. Finally, he lifts his head slightly, grazes his lips against my forehead, and asks, “Why were you in my office?”

Taking him by the hand again, I lead him back over to the couch. I think he needs to be sitting for the rest of my story, because I know it's going to piss him off.

After a slight push, he sits back down, but rather than straddle his lap again, I sit my butt on the coffee table, directly across from him. Our knees brush against each other, a comforting touch. Still, I remain poised and alert for him to flip out on me again.

“When I learned that JT was one of my rapists, I became obsessed with revenge. I considered only briefly going to the police, but it didn't hold any appeal to me because I couldn't be sure my word would hold up against his. My memory was so riddled with holes, and I'm only reasonably certain of the pieces I do remember. You have to realize, for years I thought those flashes weren't even real. I thought they were just products of my imagination…nightmares so to speak. Because my memory was unreliable as evidence, I wasn't confident I could get justice, and besides…it would only be justice against JT. I wanted to know who the other two were.”

“So you thought to confront him that night we met?” Beck asks with raised eyebrows. “Just thought you'd walk up, introduce yourself as the woman he raped, and he was going to admit to it?”

“No,” I say softly, and resist the urge to drop my gaze. “I was going to get him alone and I was going to make him tell me while I pointed a gun at his face.”

Beck's jaw drops.

“Then I was going to put a bullet in his brain,” I say with deadly promise.

“You're fucking kidding me,” he whispers in disbelief.

“I'm not,” I assure him. “I was obsessed with it. I was going to torture him with the fear of dying, then I was going to rid the world of his evil. Then I was going to find the other two men and give them the same retribution.”

“Sela,” Beck admonishes, refusing to believe I could be so cold-blooded.

“Don't,” I say sharply. “Don't judge me in a place you could never hope to stand. You can never begin to understand what those monsters did to me.”

Beck shakes his head adamantly, leans forward, and places his hands on my thighs. “No, I'm not judging your intent or your desire. I want to kill him myself. But I can't let you do something that would stain your soul. Christ, you could get arrested for murder and get sent to prison.”

“I know,” I whisper. “And I changed my mind eventually. I decided to give up my quest.”

“When?” he prompts.

“When I let you into my body without a condom,” I murmur, and watch as his eyes go soft and tender. “When I gave my full trust to you. I knew that you were more important than my revenge, and I didn't want to lose it.”

A low whistle of breath comes out of Beck's lips, but then he tilts his head to the side in confusion. “But then why were you in my office? You said it was about JT.”

Now I drop my gaze, because this is the part I'm embarrassed to admit. If there is one stumbling block remaining between what Beck and I could have for a future, it's right here.

Placing my hands over his, I swallow hard and look back up at him. “That night we went to dinner with JT. I saw how happy you were. I knew all the shit he was handing you was nothing but shit. He was putting on an act, making you believe you chose wisely in a friend and partner. He was the total opposite with me in the limo. He belittled and taunted me. I saw the way you laughed and told stories and jokes with JT, knew it was a fucking act, and it pissed me off. While I think to some extent I logically knew that didn't change your feelings about me, it did renew my fury against him. I just…snapped. Suddenly, I wanted revenge again. I wanted him out of my life so I wouldn't have to suffer another fucking dinner and sit across from the table with your business partner—the man that raped me—while making polite conversation. I wanted him out of your life. I wanted to free you from his poison and then you'd have control of The Sugar Bowl, and then finally…finally, you and I could have the life we were meant to have. Together. So I decided to go through with my plan and I was looking in your office for anything that would help me accomplish it. I scored by getting his home address.”

I finish with a shuddering breath, waiting to see what Beck will do. I don't know if he can understand just how easily I was swayed again toward revenge and murder, but I don't know if I will be able to handle it if he can't accept my weaknesses.

A look comes over Beck's face, one filled with anguish and fatigue. He pulls one hand out from under mine and scrubs it over his face. His eyes dart to the right and he takes a deep breath, and when they slide back my way, what he tells me next causes my world to tilt.

“Sela…JT is my brother.”

“What?” I gasp in astonishment as I rear backward.

“It fucking kills me to even claim we share the same blood, but yeah…he's my brother. Half brother to be exact.”

“I don't understand,” I whisper, not able to even fathom this revelation. “I never read anything about that. You've never said anything.”

“No one knows,” he says bitterly. “JT doesn't even know. Only my father and his mother. And me, of course.”

“I…I…” Fuck, I'm speechless.

Beck leans forward, places his hands on my shoulders. His face comes near mine and his eyes pin me in place. “I'm not telling you that to elicit any sympathy for his cause. The fact we share blood isn't going to save him from me. I'm going to make him pay, but you need to know why I really kept giving him chances. I'd all but given up on him as a friend and business partner. That blood tie was the last thin straw that was causing me to give him that one final chance. And yeah…I was fucking taken in by him at dinner that night. He snowed me, apparently, and knowing we share the same blood made it easier for me to fall into it. But not anymore. He's fucking dead to me and I swear I'm going to make him pay.”

Warmth flushes through me over his heated vow. While I definitely want to know more about this blood tie he shares with JT, I'm more interested to know how complicit Beck will become in my plans. I have an avenging angel on my side now, and together we can rid JT from our existence.

“Will you help me kill him?” I whisper.

The blood drains from Beck's face, and now he's the one that jerks backward. “Christ, Sela. No, we can't fucking kill JT. We have to go to the police.”

“But you said—”

He rolls right over me. “I said I'd make him pay. I might beat him senseless first, but then we're going to the police. He's going down for this but we're letting the legal system handle it.”

I try to tamp down the rage that swelters hot within me and I push up from the coffee table until I'm standing over Beck on the couch. “He raped me with two of his buddies. Took away my innocence, held me down while some faceless monster tore my ass up, and then made fun of me when the jizz I didn't swallow was dried to a crust in my hair. He put me in a cab, without a care in the world that he'd be caught, and then he went back inside to party with his friends. I'm sure the only thought that man has given me in the past ten years is to jack off to the memory of what he did to me, and you don't think he deserves to die?”

“Yes, he deserves to die,” Beck says with a hard edge to his voice. “But not at the risk of you getting caught.”

“But we could come up with a plan—”

“For fuck's sake, Sela,” Beck bellows as he stands up from the couch and gets in my face. He's furious, and for the first time during this discussion, it's at me and not himself or JT. “We cannot plot to murder someone. It won't work. We'll get caught.”

I know he's right, and because he's right and killing my dream of revenge with his practicality, I get just as pissed, so I yell back at him, “Then just how in the hell are you going to make him pay, Beck? Huh? What grand scheme do you have that could possibly make up for what he did to me?”

“I don't know,” he says tiredly, stepping to the side and around me. I turn my body, keeping my eyes on him as he paces over to the window. He shoves his hands back inside his pockets and his shoulders sag with the weight of what I just placed on him.

“I can't let it go,” I tell him softly, and I hope he hears the resolve in my voice.

“Neither can I,” he says as he stares out over the bay waters. “But I need time to think. To process all of this. I need to figure out how we can avenge you and let me keep The Sugar Bowl intact.”

“Murder,” I whisper, even though I know that's not the right answer. Despite wanting JT's blood on my hands—fuck, despite wanting to bathe in his blood—I know there's too much at risk. I know the chances of doing this cleanly and without suspicion are low. I also know that the real reason I know I can't do it is because if I were to get caught, I would lose Beck, and he's the most precious thing in my life. He's just more important than my wanting JT's head on a platter.

Beck doesn't answer me but he doesn't need to. I suspect his brain is on overdrive right now, trying to figure something out.