Suicide Note (7 page)

“I don’t need you to save me, Shane. My family is fine.” His words slurred.

“Fine,” I snapped back angrily and picked up my drink. “Misery loves company, right? Let’s sit here and hate life together.” I drank every last drop in the mug and slammed it back down on the bar.

“Fine by me.” Jake rolled his eyes and finished off his drink as well. He held up the mug and shook it in the direction of the bartender, who made his way back to fill the empty glasses.

I nodded at the bartender, silently thanking him for the drink as I picked up the glass and took a gulp.

“May loves you.”

“I know.”

“Then what the hell is your problem? No matter what happens, you have someone there to help you through all of the hard times. Why are you here?”

“Because I don’t know how to take
her
pain away. Do you know what it is like to look someone in the eye every day knowing they are counting on you and you can’t do a damn thing to make it all better?”

“Every damn day of my deployment.” I cut my eyes to Jake and took another drink from my mug.

“I’m sorry.” Jake ran his hands over his face.

“It’s fine. Look, May doesn’t want you to solve all of her problems. She just wants you to be there for her.”

“It’s hard.” Jake glanced over at me, tears in his eyes. I placed my hand on my cousin’s shoulder.

“Yeah. I know. I got your six.” Jake’s eyes locked on to mine. He knew I always had his back, and he would always have mine.

“Let’s go home.” Jake set his mug on the bar top and reached for his wallet from his back pocket.

“I got this.” I pulled my wallet out before he could protest and grabbed a few twenty-dollar bills and placed them on the bar. “I’ll drive us home. May can bring you back later for your car.”

“What am I going to say to her?” Jake stood and ran his fingers over his jaw.

“Nothing beats the truth.”

Jenn
March 16, 2010, 11:45 a.m.

I stepped onto the bridge, inhaling the smell of the water below. I had stopped by my apartment to grab my novel, unable to resist the urge to check my phone for messages. Now I stood on the kissing bridge, crying to myself because no one had remembered it was my birthday. No one but Shane.

I slipped my leg over the railing, making sure I had my balance before I slid my other leg over. Glancing down at the water rushing below. I slid my back down the railing and sat on the ledge that ran the edge of the bridge before flipping open my book and beginning the final chapter.

Reading was my only escape from reality. Through books, I could be whoever I wanted. I could fall in love with the handsome prince, travel to exotic places, and take the leap that almost always had a happy ending.

I tucked my hair behind her ear and began to read through blurry eyes.

Shane
March 16, 2010, 11:45 a.m.

“May! We’re home.” I called out as Jake stumbled through the door. May rounded the corner from the hallway, her face red and glistening from tears. A piece of paper dangled from her fingertips.

“Why haven’t you answered your phone!” she sobbed. Jake’s hands searched his pockets before he sighed and looked up at the ceiling.

“I left it at the bar.”

“Why were you at a bar?” She was practically yelling, something I had never heard May do. I took a step between them and raised my hands.

“It was my fault. I was upset over Chelsea. Jake was trying to help me.”

May’s eyes danced between the two of us. Finally, they stopped on me and she held out the paper as another sob ripped through her body.

“How could you ever think of killing yourself? We all love you so very much. You could talk to us!”

“That’s not…” I glanced back at Jake before his eyes settled on May.

“You what?” Jake stepped forward and took the note from her hands and read over it quickly.

“It’s not what you think.” I furrowed my brow, wondering how I would save Jake from this situation.

“You left it in the bathroom. What if one of the boys found it?” May’s hands were on her chest.

“I’m so sorry, May. I’m fine. I promise you. I’m not going anywhere.” I took a hesitant step toward her and held out my arms. She fell forward into them and wrapped her arms tightly around my neck, crying into my shoulder. I glanced over her shoulder to Jake, whose eyes were still fixed on the paper as if he was unable to make sense of it.

I pulled May back, holding her by her shoulders, and looked her in the eye.

“You have
nothing
to worry about.”

She nodded, and I pulled her in for one last hug. Jake came to her side and placed his arm over her shoulder.

“Why don’t you get lunch together and give me a minute to talk to Shane, okay?”

May nodded and wiped the tears from her cheek before kissing her husband on the cheek and walking off toward the kitchen. I pinched the bridge of my nose as I tried to organize my thoughts.

“You owe me,” I whispered.

“How could you leave that for May or the kids to find?” Jake had sobered up immediately.

“How could I? Where did you want me to put it? I needed to come find you. I wasn’t thinking about the damn note. I was upset.” I was struggling to keep my calm. I knew Jake was afraid of May finding out the note was his. I couldn’t blame him. It would destroy her if she knew her husband was so broken up over the loss of the baby. He needed to be the strong one for her and the kids. I would take the bullet for Jake any day.

“I know.” Jake put his hand on my shoulder. “I’m just glad you found me.”

“Yeah, me too.” I looked over at May fixing sandwiches in the kitchen. “Go spend some time with her. The kids won’t be home from school for a few hours. Some alone time will do you both some good.”

“Where are you going?”

“I’m gonna go back to the bar and grab your phone. I could use some time to clear my head.”

“You sure you’re all right?”

“Are you?”

We both nodded and gave each other a quick hug.

I turned to leave with May’s keys in hand before anyone could object. My cousin seemingly had a perfect life. They had their troubles and losses like everyone else, but Jake and May had each other. That was something I would kill for.

I slipped into May’s old station wagon and pulled out of the dirt driveway, making my way across town. My fingers tapped the steering wheel in beat with the song on the radio as I thought over the events of the day. I couldn’t imagine getting to a point that ending my life would even be an option. Jake was one of the few people I could count on in my life, and I never thought that one day I could lose him.

I pulled into the back of the bar and walked up to the wooden top.

“Looking for this?” The bartender held up the phone.

“Thanks, man. You’re a lifesaver.” I grabbed the phone and made my way back out to the car. Cranking the engine, I slipped the phone into the console.

The trip had only taken a few minutes and I needed to kill some more time. I pulled out of the parking lot to the left and drove across town. The streets were lined with giant trees whose branches hung over the road like a canopy. The sun shot through the branches in bright streaks. My eyes danced across the buildings that lined the road. The town looked like it had been picked up out of the 1800s and placed in the present, with the exception of a few new office buildings sticking out in the skyline. The trees cleared and I made a right turn down an old alleyway that was so narrow I wasn’t sure the car would fit.

I pulled out onto an old bridge with cast-iron railings as a flicker of yellow caught my eye just over the railing. I pulled off to the side of the bridge and opened the door, standing on the frame to get a better look. A clump of dark brown hair whipped in between the bars and I jumped, slamming the car door and rushing over to the bridge.

“Hello?” I rounded the front of the station wagon and gripped the bars as I looked over the railing. “Jenn? What are you doing down there? You’re going to fall.” I tried to keep the panic from my voice.

Jenn spun around, startled by my voice, nearly losing her balance on the ledge of the bridge.

“Shane? What are
you
doing here?”

“Why are you on the side of a bridge?”

She glanced down at the water and over to the book in her hand.

“Just looking for an escape.” She held the book up for me to see. I narrowed my eyes at her as I saw the pink in her cheeks and the swelling under her eyes.

“Me too. Mind if I join you?”

She shrugged her shoulders and looked out over the water. I lifted a leg over the fence and pulled my other over as I lowered my body next to hers. The ledge was narrow and we sat with our shoulders pushed up against each other.

“Odd place to read, don’t you think?”

“Good as any.” She shrugged her shoulders and kicked her legs. My eyes followed hers out to the ripples of water as I nodded. Her chin began to quiver as she struggled to keep her composure.

“You all right?”

“I’m not strong enough to keep all of these feelings bottled up inside of me any longer. I feel like I am going to explode.” She swiped the back of her hand over her cheek. The words from the letter she had just repeated echoed through my mind as everything began to click into place. The look on Jake’s face, the concern in his eyes all made sense now. He wasn’t trying to keep his secret from May; he thought I really wanted to kill myself. My eyes fell back to Jenn as it dawned on me that she was the one who needed saving. This was none of my business and I didn’t need to throw myself into someone else’s problems, but I couldn’t just walk away.

“So I was thinking a chocolate cake would be good, but not everyone is a fan of chocolate. Maybe marble.”

“What are you talking about?”

“We have to have cake. It’s not every day someone turns…old enough to know better.”

She smiled and laughed as her eyes met mine before she turned back to the water.

“I’m fine, really. You don’t need to babysit me.”

I shrugged as I looked down at my sneakers and thought of my blood-stained boots.

“I’m not.” I glanced over at her and waited for her eyes to connect with mine. “I have low blood sugar.” I smiled and she rolled her eyes, bumping me with her shoulder.

“No you don’t.” She laughed. God, I love that sound.

“I could and I don’t know where there is a bakery around here. You could save a life.” I raised my eyebrow at her as she sucked her bottom lip between her teeth.

“I like vanilla.” She glanced up at me through her lashes and I grinned.

“Let’s go.” I held out my hand and she placed her fingers in mine. I slowly stood and helped her to her feet. I kept a hand on her as she climbed over the railing, not breathing until she was safely on the other side.

I hopped the fence and walked her to the passenger side of the car. Pulling open the door, I waited for her to slide inside. She smiled as she slowly sank into the seat. I could feel her eyes on me as I moved quickly around the car and got into the driver’s seat. I knew I shouldn’t be interfering with this girl’s life, knowing I would only be around for a few days. I grabbed Jake’s phone and sent May a quick text message letting her know I had the phone but I would be out for a while. I didn’t say where, and I didn’t let her know who really wrote the note. It was no one else’s business.

“Go down the road about two miles.”

I nodded and pulled back onto the road and down Livingston Street. I fumbled with the radio until I found a song I liked, tapping my fingers on the wheel. Jenn smiled and began to sing quietly along to the old country love song.

“Wasn’t that a bakery?” I pointed to Smith Brother’s Bakery as we drove by.

“Yes, but Mama D’s is only a few miles further and it is worth the drive.” She smiled. “But if you don’t want to, we can just go back.”

“No, ma’am. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I denied the birthday girl the cake she wants.”

“You may not live at all if you don’t take care of that low blood sugar.” She smirked.

“I have a small confession to make. I may have over dramatized a bit. I don’t so much have low blood sugar as much as I just really like cake. I haven’t had any for a long time.”

“They don’t have cake in North Carolina?” She winked. “Turn here!” She pointed to the road off to the left. I turned the wheel and hit the brakes, making the turn at the last second. We travelled a block further, pulling up outside of an old shaker box home with a baker sign hung from the front porch.

“Here?”

“You have no idea. You have just arrived at Heaven’s gates.” She laughed and pushed open her door and stretched as she stood. I shook my head as I watched her before pulling the key from the ignition.

“Heaven’s gates, huh?” I stepped out of the car and waited for her to make her way around the car.

“Come on.” She hurried up the front porch steps and opened the old screen door. “Mama D!” she called out as I stepped in behind her, inhaling the scent of baked goods.

“They should bottle that smell.”

“You’re just in time, Jennifer!” Mama D rounded the corner from her kitchen into the dining room. “This is vanilla with homemade peanut butter frosting.” She winked as she sat the pan down on the table.

“Looks amazing!” Jenn smiled as she opened her arms and gave Mama D a big hug.

“Who is your friend, Jennifer?”

“This is Shane.” She took a step back to be beside me. “He’s a soldier.”

“Well, in that case, he gets a free cookie.” Mama D smiled and turned back toward the table. “Have your pick. Go on.”

“Thank you, ma’am.” I stepped forward and looked over the dozens of cookies, grabbing a chocolate chip cookie and breaking it in half, holding out one to Jenn.

“Thanks.” She took a big bite of the still-warm cookie as chocolate dripped on her bottom lip. I ran my thumb over her lower lip as time seemingly froze and our eyes met.
What the hell am I doing? Am I really that deprived from a woman’s touch that I need to take advantage of someone like Jenn?