Summer Shadows (3 page)

Julia let the music and the water take away her cares and thought of nothing but violins and soft grassy meadows.

Then a commercial came on for a summer camp for the offspring of the rich and bored. She was reminded of an incident a few weeks earlier, when she was going over the bills and budgeting the summer.

Jack had been drawing pictures in the high chair next to her. Dana and Ron were doing their homework. It had been a quiet night, and if it hadn’t been for the bills and the depressing state of her finances, Julia would have been feeling very much at peace. But she had come to a conclusion from her research, and she could no longer put off telling the kids.

She cleared her throat, and Dana and Ron looked up expectantly. Jack was oblivious, and busily decorating his tray with the washable marker.

“I’m sorry, guys,” said Julia hesitantly. “I have some… disappointing news.”

Dana shot Ron a look of dismay, but Ron never took his eyes off of his aunt.

“I’ve been going over the books and, well, I’m afraid…” She shook her head and gestured toward her ledger sheets. “There’s just not enough for summer camps this year. I’m so sorry.”

She expected tears and outrage. It was a Budd tradition that the children each got to go to a special camp each summer, with the younger ones going to day camp. This would have been Dana’s third year at a summer art camp in a place that Julia had never heard of for an astronomical sum that she could not justify. It was what their parents had done, and so Julia wanted to do the same, only she couldn’t. Going over the past several years of her sister’s bookkeeping, she couldn’t figure out how they managed it, even on two salaries.

“We can’t go?” Dana asked.

“I’m sorry, honey,” she said, with another wave at the checkbook. “We just don’t have the money this year.” She added, “Except, Ron - your mom paid for yours back in January, so you can still go, if you’d like. Um… Well, the rest of us will just have to have a great time here on our own, that’s all.”

She was flushing now. It felt terribly awkward.

Dana looked at Ron as though for instructions. Ron said, in his implacable way, “We’re in trouble?”

“No, no,” Julia said, hastily. “No, we’re doing fine, as long as we stay within our means, and, for this year, camps are out of our means. But I’m going to start putting away money now, so that next year you can all go. I am sorry, guys.”

Ron appeared thoughtful and Dana looked hesitant. Jack took his red marker and drew a line on Julia’s sleeve.

“Can you get a refund?” asked Ron.

“Sorry?”

“My camp deposit. Can you get a refund?”

“Well, um, yes, but…”

He nodded and returned to his homework as though the matter was settled. “Cool. Then we can put it towards next year’s camps.” He looked up at her again and said firmly, “For
all
of us.”

Julia felt chastised. She thought she ought to say something, insist that Ron go in honor of Amanda’s wishes, but she couldn’t. The matter was closed. Ron had diplomatically turned a tragedy into a triumph of self-sacrifice. His gesture had cleared his sister’s face of all disappointment and jealousy.

He went back to his homework, and indicated that Dana should do the same.

Dana said, in a happier tone, “We can start collecting money for them. I could sell lemonade like last year. I’ll bet we make pots of money!”

Jack added a purple stripe to Julia’s red one, as she wondered how she was going to manage to keep happy and busy three active young children for two and a half months.

As Julia sat in the tub, listening to the snap of the suds, she thought that at least now she didn’t have to worry about working a full-time job at the same time. Until the money ran out, she had all the time in the world.

She sighed and drew her head underneath the bath water with a quick jerk. Under, she couldn’t see and all she could hear were the jets. She let the water caress her face, felt her hair flow freely about her ears, and her shoulders relaxed. At last, the air in her lungs gave out and she had to surface.

The first thing she saw when she opened her eyes was a bunch of dusty pink silk roses in a brown vase on the shelf over the tub, a display she never would have picked herself, and a blunt reminder that this wasn’t her tub. Someone else had picked out the colors, bought the equipment, installed it, tested it, and enjoyed it. It was something that Julia wouldn’t have bought, partly because she couldn’t afford it, and partly because, until recently, she hadn’t been a bath person. That had been Amanda’s favorite way to relax…

Suddenly, Julia couldn’t get out of the tub fast enough. She nearly slipped on the cool tiles as she scrambled for her robe, gritting her teeth as she shut down the jets and let the water drain. She hurriedly left the bathroom, and found herself standing in front of the full length mirror.

She had never been fond of full length mirrors. She had found them to be much more honest than flattering, and she avoided them whenever possible, but increasingly, in the past few months, she found herself standing in front of the mirror. It had become her one confidante and she needed one now.

She scowled at the image of the soft, curvy figure in front of her.

She said, “I can’t stand this house. It’s closing in on me – we can’t breathe here, we can’t grow here, and we can’t forget here. Every time I turn around, I expect to run into Amanda or Tim. The kids can’t move on. I can’t move on. I can’t even run the household without thinking first if what I’m doing is what Amanda would do. And if I find that it isn’t exactly what she would want, I change it until I’m so tied up in confusion that I can’t do anything. I can’t break free and I can’t go on like this!”

She stopped and took a deep breath. She took in her reflection, her tousled hair and weary, sad eyes. Then she realized how very much her eyes looked like Ron’s. The shape, the color, the unwavering gaze, the spacing, and even the lashes were alike. It was the first time she’d ever thought of there being a physical resemblance between her and the children.

This realization pleased her. It did more than that: it steeled her.

“These are my children now,” she said, very calmly. “They are my responsibility and no one else has a claim to them. There’s me. Just me. Only me.”

It was terrifying, but freeing. Although this wasn’t the first time she’d said these words to herself, it was the first time that she actually believed them.

“So, if I decide that something is in their best interests, I have the right to carry it out, even if others disagree. Even if
the kids
disagree.”

She nodded and smiled weakly at her reflection.

With a shuddering sigh, Julia turned and looked around the room again. The ghosts of Tim and Amanda hung heavily in here. She could feel them pressing in on her again, clouding her judgment. She grew unsure – her resolve was slipping.

She turned back to the mirror.

“We’ve
got
to get out of here,” she announced. “Or… or just tear everything out of this house and start all over.”

She stopped and thought for a second. Yes, she could do that. She had done extensive work in her condo when she first bought it, and she grew up helping her father with his part-time handy man work. She knew how to paint, remodel, and fix. The cost would be much more manageable if she did the work herself, and she could get the kids to help her, too. It would be a great summer project, a good way to keep her busy in between interviews. The family would grow closer together, the kids wouldn’t be bored, and she could redo the entire house, room by room, until it wasn’t…

Then she thought of Ron’s face, Dana’s fragility, and Jack’s bewilderment. It was bad enough that she couldn’t send them to camp like their mom would have done and that she stole their mother’s room. Now she has to tear down every last trace of her world.

No, not this house. Not yet.

“Then we can’t stay here,” Julia declared. “Amanda, I can’t stay here all summer with nothing for us to do but mourn. Look at your son – he hasn’t laughed or smiled since you died. He can’t even act like a kid any more. We need something to do, something to build together, or a new place for the four of us to explore.”

Franklin.

She’d never been there. In fact, she’d only been to New Hampshire twice, both during the skiing season. And, according to what the lawyer told her, the kids had never been there either. It was new territory – completely new for all of them.

Just like that, she had a plan. It was perfect. A little New England town to explore. A month, maybe two, where it would just be them, working on the renovations to make the place sellable. She could work off all her anxieties through the demolition and rebuilding. Ron could help, or he could ride his bike and just be a little boy for a few weeks. Dana and she could get closer by cooking the meals and such. Jack would be able to play outside in the yard, because of course there’d be a yard – it was New Hampshire, after all.

She still had some savings, and if she didn’t get work right away, they could make it for a few months without resorting to peanut butter sandwiches. They were due another payment on the insurance, and there was that guy across the street who had offered her a nice sum for the Audi. With all that, the savings, and some ingenuity, they would have enough for the repair supplies, too.

Brilliant.

There was a lake, so they could all go swimming. They could attend the fireworks in Concord or even just in town, if they had them. They could get ice cream cones and drive up to Maine for a day on the coast. They could walk the country lanes or go to the state capitol and hang out in the museums. They could, for once, just act like a real family, not like a broken one.

The kids wouldn’t like it. Not one bit, not at first. But the more Julia thought of it, the more she became convinced that it was not only what she ought to do, but the only thing she
could
do.

She dressed quickly. There was much to do in a short space of time. She wanted to have all the information at her fingertips when the kids got home, before Ron could come up with an argument.

The first person she called was Sherri.

“Hey, Sherri? Listen, do you have a phone number for the caretaker at my place in Franklin?”

If she hadn’t been so excited, she might have noticed that it was the first time that she had referred to any of these properties as her own.

3

T
he old rattle trap of a bus pulled away from the curb, leaving the taste of exhaust in Ron Budd’s mouth. He stood on the sidewalk with his backpack in one hand and a trumpet case at his feet, glad the day was over. It had been a long day of studying, social pressure, and extra band practice in preparation for the graduation ceremony that was one week away.

Ron was always the first one home, and the one responsible for unlocking the house and turning off the alarm. The kids, as he referred to them, would arrive at 5:15, and Aunt Julia at six. It was 5:00 now, so he was surprised to see his aunt talking with their neighbor, John Kehoe.

She stood with her arms folded, watching Kehoe run his big hands all over the engine of the Audi. Kehoe shot rapid-fire questions, typical of a used car dealer, and Aunt Julia answered in what Ron thought was an eager sort of way.

Julia caught sight of him and waved, so he gave her a brief wave back.

Ron shook his head, wondering why she wasn’t at work. He hated when the schedule was disrupted and he wasn’t informed ahead of time; besides, he didn’t like John Kehoe very much. He was a greasy, dirty-minded man who made Ron feel uncomfortable.

Still, it did him no good to stay there and watch. He gathered up his things and looked up to see Julia coming over to greet him

Her wet hair was pulled back into a pony tail, and she was wearing her weekend jeans and T-shirt, all of which told him that she had been home for some time. This confused him even more. Did she take the afternoon off? That would be way out of character.

When she spoke, her voice was heavy with concern. “Hey, Ron. Are you okay?”

He straightened his shoulders. “I’m fine,” he said. “You’re home early.”

Julia looked around furtively, and Ron followed her eyes. Knitting on her front porch, Mrs. Gouldman looked completely at peace with the world, and that was a sure sign of trouble. She never looked that way unless something was wrong.

Ron’s heart sank as he wondered what else had happened. He thought,
there can’t be anything else. I can’t handle anything else.

Instantly, he was ashamed of himself. Was that any way for the man of the house to feel? He couldn’t waste time feeling sorry for himself. What would Dad think?

Just before Dad left for the trip in February, he had told him, “You’re the man around the house while I’m away. Take care of things for me, will you?”

Ron replied, like he always did, “You can count on me, Dad.”

“I know I can, Ron. I know I can.”

Dad always said the same thing when Mom and he went off on trips alone and, every time, Ron felt like he’d grown two inches in height. His dad, who knew how to do everything - except how to screw in a light bulb, if Mom was to be believed - had needed Ron to look after the little kids and keep everyone safe.

Those were the last words Dad said to him. The second to last, actually: the very last had been, “Goodbye, guys!”

Ron could not let his father down. Not for a moment. No matter how tired he got.

Ron was faithful to his promise. He looked after the kids, helped poor Aunt Julia, and always double-checked the locks on the doors of the house after everyone else had gone to bed. He knew that Dad would be proud of him, but not if he started whining now.

It wasn’t as if Dad had been the only one to point out his new responsibilities. Dad’s lawyer, Steven Hall - on the day they were told who was to be their guardian - took advantage of Aunt Julia having to use the ladies’ room to give the orphans some advice.

“This is a new situation for all of you,” he had said. “Your aunt is a capable woman, but she is young and doesn’t have any children of her own. This will be a very difficult experience for her, at least at first, while she is still getting used to everything. We don’t want to make it any harder for her, do we? I hope that you will all do your best to give her as little trouble as possible, and to help her any way you can. Do I have your word?”

They gave it as solemnly as he had asked for it. He seemed relieved as he sat back in his chair.

“I’m sure you’ll be no trouble at all,” he said.

Dana had raised her hand and asked the question that Ron was too reserved to ask: “What would happen? If she doesn’t like us, I mean.”

“Well, I’m sure she likes you. But if she or the courts felt that she was unable to handle the responsibilities, you would be taken somewhere else to live.”

“With Gran and Gramp?” Dana asked a little doubtfully.

“Perhaps. Or maybe with another family.”

“And we’d stay together?” asked Ron, a little more fiercely than he had intended.

Mr. Hall’s answer was slow in coming. “We would certainly try for that.”

It sounded to Ron like a death knell of sorts. The lawyer must have realized this, for he repeated, with a wan smile, that he was sure the children would be no trouble at all. It was at this point that Jack managed to work the cover off of his little jug of milk and fling the contents all about the office. Aunt Julia returned just in time to see them scrambling for the paper towels.

She wasn’t angry with them, though. She only seemed sorry for Mr. Hall, whose attitude changed when she came back in. Dana mentioned this to Ron in private later that day.

“I think he likes Aunt Julia,” she said.

“Oh?” Ron was not very interested in what Dana thought.

“I hope she doesn’t like him.”

“Why not?”

“He smells funny.”

“You’re such a child,” Ron sighed.

“Am not!”

They all agreed that they would give Aunt Julia no reason to complain, and formed a sort of team: Ron was in charge of chores and discipline, Dana was to keep Aunt Julia happy and Jack occupied, and Jack was to avoid being a nuisance.

Their grandparents thought it was too much for Aunt Julia. Every time they came over for dinner, Gran and Gramp Budd would ask about money, health, and business. They tried to insinuate that it was overwhelming Aunt Julia and that they would be better placed somewhere else. Ron always defended her as much as he could, but what frightened him was how quietly Aunt Julia took the abuse. Didn’t she know that the grandparents were trying to take them away?

Once, when he was listening at the top of the stairs, he heard Gran Budd say, “It’s a heavy responsibility, Julia. I hope you know what you’re doing. You know that you have options and you don’t have to be ashamed to consider them.”

Aunt Julia surprised Ron with her sharp, quick answer. “There’s only one option that I’ve ever considered, Miriam, and that is carrying out Amanda’s wishes. She wanted them with me, so they are. We are doing just fine. I don’t regret a single moment and that’s the end of the discussion, all right?”

Gran was angry. Ron could tell from her tone. “You’re being foolish. I’m only trying to look out for my grandchildren, to do what’s best for them.”

“Aren’t we all?” asked Gramp.

Aunt Julia had reluctantly apologized, Gran stiffly accepted it, and the matter was closed for the moment. Ron went to bed a little more secure, but he knew that, if absolute peace wasn’t kept and the household didn’t look like it was being run in pristine condition, the naysayers would return and he might not be able to stop them.

It was a heavy burden sometimes, but Ron couldn’t put it down. The stakes were too high.

Julia was still standing in front of him, looking back at Kehoe.

Ron asked, “Is everything all right? What’s going on?”

She gestured to the Audi. “I’ve decided to let the Audi go. We don’t need three cars and I can get the best price for this one. I’m letting Kehoe make an offer first.”

She put a hand on Ron’s shoulder. He could feel her inquisitive gaze, as though she was silently asking him, “Is this okay with you?”

He wanted to throw the hand off of his shoulder. He wanted to shout at her, “No, it’s not okay! That’s my Dad’s car! My
Dad’s
car! And you’re just giving it away!”

But he restrained himself. It wasn’t Aunt Julia’s fault that his parents were gone. It wasn’t her fault that bills had to be paid and things had to change. It wasn’t her fault that the only room in the house that she could move into was Mom and Dad’s room. When people died, things changed. People changed. He fought against the changes as hard as he could, for Dana and Jack as much for himself, but they couldn’t fight everything. As the man of the house, he had to appreciate that, grit his teeth, and move on, so that he could handle the other kids when they came home.

He swallowed hard. It wouldn’t be easy. Aunt Julia hadn’t seen the look on Dad’s face when he unwrapped the Audi’s keys on Christmas morning. He had been so excited that he swept Mom up in his arms and gave her one of those movie kisses that always managed to both gross Ron out and make him happy at the same time.

Aunt Julia didn’t know things like that.

She was a bit of a mystery to Ron still. She was hardworking and obviously caring, but she didn’t take charge like his mother did. She was very hesitant and so apologetic that it made Ron wanted to shout sometimes. But she did seem to love Dana and Jack and, for that, he was willing to overlook her shortcomings. After all, he couldn’t expect her to be Mom. He wouldn’t have wanted that anyway.

He said, “Kehoe sells cars, so he probably knows what they’re worth.”

She gave his shoulder a grateful squeeze, which he appreciated. He was relieved, though, when she took her hand off of his shoulder. Physical contact was something that he preferred to limit.

She picked up his trumpet case, and they walked the few steps up the driveway.

“How was school?” she asked.

“Long,” he said.

“Worried about the results of the finals?”

“No. Not really.” He thought for a moment and added, truthfully, “But I’ll be glad when it’s over.”

She smiled sympathetically. “I always hated the end of the year. Loved summer, but hated the finals. I don’t know why, though. I was a pretty good student and I wasn’t likely to fail. But I always thought I would. Actually, I was always positive I would and I was always so shocked to find I had done okay. I’m glad I don’t have to go through that anymore.”

For a moment, they were so comfortable that Ron was struck by the idea that, in other circumstances, they might have become very close friends. He was about to confess that he was too anxious to eat breakfast on test mornings, when Kehoe called out to his aunt and took the opportunity away.

“Mind if I take it out for a test drive?” he asked.

Julia stopped mid-step and laughed. “No, but you know perfectly well that it purrs like a kitten, Kehoe. You saw me drive out with it this morning.”

“Ever hear of sawdust, Julia?”

“Okay, okay! Just don’t get into an accident while you’re out.”

Kehoe asked, with a lecherous smile that was intended to be charming, “Why don’t you come with me and make sure that I control myself.”

Ron was annoyed, but to his surprise, Julia hesitated. He could see her calculating the risks in her head and turned to Ron with a pensive look.

“I probably should,” she said. “It’ll only be a few minutes. Do you mind?”

Ron was disappointed. Was Aunt Julia really going to go with Kehoe? A few weeks ago, Mrs. Gouldman had made a casual, but calculated remark to Ron, commenting on how friendly Kehoe and his aunt were getting. She hinted that it wouldn’t surprise her if they started dating or something. The idea was so abhorrent to Ron that it kept him awake long into that night.

“No,” he muttered. “I don’t mind.”

She squeezed his shoulder again, grateful. “I’ll just be a few minutes,” she said. She gave Kehoe a nod. As he turned to go into the house, Ron thought the grease-streaked man almost did a little happy dance.

Aunt Julia called to him, “We have to have a family meeting tonight, okay?” she said. “Just you and me before we talk to the younger two.”

He froze. “Something’s happened.”

“Yes, but…”

A blast from the car horn. Kehoe was impatient.

She waved a hand to silence him and quickly said to Ron, “Everything will be all right. Something has happened, but I need more time to explain. And I’ve got a plan for the summer that I want to tell you about. It’ll be fine. Actually, it’ll be great. We’ll talk about it when I get back. Stay away from Mrs. Gouldman in the meantime, okay?”

She ran over to the Audi passenger door to join the increasingly excited Kehoe. Ron watched him back out of the driveway and take off down the street. With his heart sinking into his stomach, the man of the house turned and went inside.

“We’re moving
away
?”

Dana Budd’s mouth fell open, and her dinner of chicken fingers, mac and cheese, and string beans was completely forgotten. She looked from Julia to Ron as her wide blue eyes started welling up with tears. “But… But why? Where are we going?”

Julia reached across Jack’s plate and took her hand. Jack, finding this an intrusion, made his displeasure known by dumping a spoonful of ketchup on her arm.

Julia snatched her arm back and wiped the sauce with her napkin, somehow winding up with a blob on her clean white shorts. “Oh, Jack!” she wailed.