Read Super Schnoz and the Booger Blaster Breakdown Online
Authors: Gary Urey
Super Schnoz and the Booger Blaster Breakdown (13 page)
“Ammo!” I ordered. “Quickly!”
Vivian and Bayarma shoved a round of pepper balls up my nostrils. I swooped low and fired on a group of men. They had just lassoed an adult camel and two nursing calves. My aim was perfect. The pepper balls made a direct hit, and the camels escaped over a hill and out of sight.
The Battle of the Bactrians had begun.
Pierre's men were everywhere, rounding up the innocent camels. I swooped and dove like an animated dragon in a Disney movie, blowing away the camel rustlers with my pinpoint, pepper-ball-fueled booger blasts.
Pierre and Arnaud came into view. They were riding in an open-air Hummer, pointing into the sky, and ordering the men to stop hunting camels and start shooting at me. Dozens of men trained their sights in my direction.
“I need more pepper balls!” I shouted to Vivian and Bayarma.
I felt Vivian's hand reach around my head and shove a single pepper ball up my honker.
“It's the last one,” she said dejectedly.
“At least we will have died trying to save innocent camels,” Bayarma said.
I saw a cloud of dust appear on the horizon. The horsewomen stormed onto the battlefield carrying the Not-Right Brothers, Dr. Wackjöb, and Jean Paul. TJ and Mumps hopped off the horses and hurled globs of fresh camel poop at Pierre's men. The fleeing camels suddenly turned on the men, spitting wads of slobbery goop into their eyes. Before the thieves could wipe the poop and spit from their faces, Vivian, Dr. Wackjöb, and Jean Paul had freed the captured Mongolians.
Half of Pierre's men raced after their former captives, the other half fired at me. A bullet clipped the dragon mask, causing it to fly off my head. The gunfire missed my flesh, but the impact knocked me sideways. Before I could right myself, I was dive-bombing directly toward Pierre's Hummer.
“This can't be!” I heard Pierre cry. “It's ⦠it's le Nez! You are destroying all my plans!”
“I've been saving this for you two!” I sneered and then sneezed the final pepper bomb at the two evil perfumers. The explosion split the Hummer in two. Pierre and Arnaud stumbled from the burning vehicle and attempted to flee, but Dr. Wackjöb and a horsewoman quickly wrestled them to the ground.
“Hello, old friend,” Dr. Wackjöb growled in Pierre's face. “I will greatly enjoy turning you over to the Mongolian authorities.”
I turned to check on the others. What I saw blew my nose with joy. Using only swords, knives, and bows and arrows, the horsewomen had chased down the rest of Pierre's men and quickly subdued them.
When the dust settled, I saw Bayarma and Jean Paul hugging a beautiful older woman with streaks of gray in her Halloween-black hair. The woman was wearing a worn pair of Nike running shoes.
Jean Paul had finally found Sarantstral.
CHAPTER 26
A GIFT OF CAMEL
After three days of traveling, we landed in New York and then took a quick commuter flight back to New Hampshire. Dr. Wackjöb had booked us a first-class flight out of Mongolia. Thank goodness, because the thought of flying six thousand miles back to the United States with nose power made my sinuses want to explode.
My spent honker needed a well-deserved vacation.
The smell of Strange was still everywhere, and I kept thinking about Jean Paul. He had decided to stay in Mongolia to be with Bayarma and Sarantstral.
When I made it back home, I gave each of my parents a gift from the trip. Instead of picking them up an I LOVE NEW YORK T-shirt or an Empire State Building key chain, I got them each a traditional Mongolian hat that I had picked up at a shop inside the Ulaanbaatar airport. I told them all about visit to the Big Apple, except for my experiences with Pierre and Arnaud and the New York City Police Department. I also left out that little part about flying six thousand miles to the Gobi Desert and fighting evil camel poachers.
Two months later, Dr. Wackjöb invited Vivian, the Not-Right Brothers, and me to his office for lunch. The weather was too cold to ride bikes, so Vivian's mom dropped us off. When we walked into his office, Jean Paul and Bayarma were standing there.
We all gave them a big hug.
“What are you two doing here?” I asked.
“I thought you stayed in Mongolia,” TJ said.
“Where's Sarantstral?” Jimmy wondered.
Jean Paul chuckled. “One question at a time. First, Bayarma and I are here because we wanted to say
merci
for everything you did for us.”
“Second, I am now in a master's program at Columbia University in New York,” Bayarma said. “I'm studying conservation biology with a specialization in the wild Bactrian camel.”
“And third,” Dr. Wackjöb added, “I invited Sarantstral to come, but she is too vital in the lives of her people to leave the Gobi Desert.”
We spent the next hour eating pizza and reminiscing about our time in Mongolia. Jean Paul informed us that Pierre and Arnaud were now serving a five-year sentence in one of Mongolia's toughest prisons for entering the country illegally with instruments of war.
Then Jean Paul turned to me and said, “Bayarma and I have something to show you.”
Dr. Wackjöb led us through the Gecko Glue® and Snore Cure Mist® factory and outside into the back parking lot. Five inches of snow had fallen overnight, blanketing everything in white. We stopped in front of a flatbed truck loaded with a huge metal crate.
Jean Paul handed me a key. “Unlock the crate. Inside is a
présent
for you.”
I gave Vivian and the Not-Right Brothers a confused look and slipped the key into the lock. When I opened the crate, my nose nearly fell off.
“Humphrey!” I exclaimed.
The camel trotted out of the crate and nuzzled his hairy face against my nose.
“This is the camel I told you about,” I said to Vivian and the Not-Right Brothers. “He's from the Central Park Zoo.”
“So this is the camel that finally gave you the secret of Strange,” Jimmy said.
“You mean its poop gave up the secret.” Mumps chortled.
“And don't forget,” TJ added, “this thing almost got you arrested by the New York City police!”
“Why ⦠how ⦔ I stammered.
“The Central Park Zoo is closing its camel exhibit,” Bayarma explained. “Other zoos offered to take the Arabian camels, but there were no takers for the lone Bactrian.”
“I made a sizeable donation to the zoo and assumed responsibly for the camel,” Jean Paul said.
Bayarma explained that she had wanted to ship Humphrey to Mongolia to be with his wild brothers. However, after talking with a zoo official, she decided that it would be extremely difficultâif not impossibleâto return a habituated animal to its wild state.
“I have purchased thirty acres of cleared woodland outside town,” Dr. Wackjöb said. “That will be Humphrey's new home. I assume that you five will take responsibility for his care and feeding.”
I was so happy that I wrapped my arms around Humphrey's neck. The camel licked my nostrils, puffed up his cheeks, and then fired a wad of spit right in my face. A camel saliva bath had never felt so good.
All rights reserved, including without limitation the right to reproduce this ebook or any portion thereof in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of the publisher.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, events, and incidents either are the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
Text copyright © 2015 by Gary Urey
Pictures by Keith Frawley
Cover design by Jordan Kost
ISBN: 978-1-5040-1741-1
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