Super Schnoz and the Invasion of the Snore Snatchers (8 page)

I thought for a second. Dog poop smeared on the bottom of a sneaker, crusty unwashed underwear, burning human hair, rotting roadkill, my dad's farts, Principal Cyrano's body odor, foot fungus…

“Rotting shark meat, without a doubt,” I decided.

Vivian's face crinkled in disgust. “Hákarl! The rotting shark meat soaked in its own urine.”

“Somehow we have to lure Robo-Nose with the smell of hákarl and…”

Before I could finish my sentence, I looked up and saw several Apneans rushing toward us.Their big alien eyes lit up like fireflies.

“They see us!” Vivian squealed.

“How do they know it's us?” I asked.

“Your mask is ripped!”

I reached up and felt the fleshy cartilage of my schnozola. She was right. The fabric in the mask had torn open and my nose was popping out like a clown from a jack-in-the-box. An Apnean raised a lightning-bolt-shaped wand and aimed it directly at us. We both ducked as a spray of light shot from the end and exploded above our heads.

“They're shooting!” Vivian cried. “Run!”

I took a quick sniff of pepper and sneezed a round of cayenne-fueled snot right at them. The boogery phlegm smacked into an invisible shield and then ricocheted harmlessly away.

“The cayenne pepper isn't working,” I groaned.

Vivian and I rushed down several hallways, the Apneans in hot pursuit.

“Let's find the portal back to your bedroom,” Vivian said, huffing for breath.

We burst through a bunch of shimmering doors, searching for the way back home.The more rooms we ran into, the more Apneans joined the chase. A blast from one of their lightning wands clipped my left nostril and sent me spiraling to the floor.

“Owww!” I cried. “They shot my sniffer!”

Vivian held my nose in her hands. “It's just a scratch,” she said. “There isn't any blood. Let's go!”

We were running for our lives, the Apneans closing in fast. I could smell their stinky skin and poopy behinds. My nostril throbbed with pain. Just as I was about to fall over from exhaustion, we burst through a shimmering door and saw the portal back home.

“This is it!” Vivian hollered.

“Are you sure?” I asked.

“It looks the same. Anyway, we have no choice. The Apneans are…”

Four armed aliens charged into the room.They aimed their lightning wands directly at us. Before they could fire, Vivian and I dived through the snot bubble and into the glow-in-the-dark tunnel.

CHAPTER 19

SWEET DREAMS

W
e were falling, tumbling end-over-end through a vast void of nothingness. Below us was a bright light. I closed my eyes, praying the light was coming from the nightstand in my bedroom.

Vivian and I burst through the snot bubble and landed on top of my bed. We bounced off the mattress directly on top of Mumps, who was still fast asleep in his sleeping bag.

“Get off me,” Mumps grumbled.

“Where were you guys?” Jimmy asked. “One minute you're here and the next minute you're gone.”

“Schnoz, your nose is all red,” TJ said.

I looked in the mirror and saw a huge red scrape on my left nostril.The wound was sensitive to touch and felt like the brush burn I had gotten on my leg once from sliding down a playground pole in shorts.

“The Apneans shot at me,” I said.

“Tell us everything,” Jimmy demanded.

For the next twenty minutes, Vivian and I explained our journey into the mucous depths of Robo-Nose. From the shimmering doors, the Apnean bathroom, to the nerve center inside the Olfactory Bulb, and my theory about Robo-Nose's weakness—smells.

“How could all that happen when you were only gone for one minute?” Jimmy asked.

“We were gone for hours,” Vivian said.

“No you weren't. You guys disappeared into the shadow on the ceiling for a few seconds and then came back.”

“That's impossible,” I muttered.

Jimmy pointed to the clock on my nightstand. “It's four twenty in the morning. I looked at the clock right after you guys disappeared into the shadow.The time was four nineteen.”

“Space-time continuum,” TJ said. “Einstein came up with it. His theory says the universe has three dimensions—up and down, left and right, forward and back. There's also a fourth time dimension, and that's called the space-time continuum. It basically means that space time is different from Earth time.”

A rustling sound came from the corner of my bedroom. I looked over and saw the two duct-taped Apneans. I had completely forgotten about them!

“What are we going to do about—” I started to say when the shadow appeared once again on my ceiling.

“They're coming for us!” Vivian screeched.

We all watched as the shadow hovered above the Apneans. A loud sucking sound filled my room, and in flash of bright light, the aliens rose in the air and disappeared into the shadow.

“That takes care of that problem,” Mumps said, sliding out of his sleeping bag.

“What should we do now?” Jimmy asked.

Before I could answer, a knock came at my door.

“Andy!” My mom said, raising her voice. “It's late and time for you boys to settle down. Understand?”

“Sorry,” I said. “We'll go back to bed.”

Mom's slippers padded down the hallway.After her bedroom door shut, I whispered, “When Vivian and I were in Robo-Nose's control room, we saw a giant map of Denmark. That means they're landing right here in New Hampshire to start the first phase of their global invasion.”

“And we know that Robo-Nose is flying at the speed of snores,” Vivian added. “They're going to land soon, probably sometime this afternoon or tomorrow at the latest.”

“Plus,” TJ said, pointing at Vivian and me, “They are going to be looking for you two.”

My heart plunged into my stomach. From the look on Vivian's face, I could tell she felt scared too. I hadn't been this afraid since Vivian and I swan-dived into the Gates of Smell.

“Super Schnoz,” Vivian said. “You are the only person who can save us.”

“Blow them to smithereens with the cayenne cannon!” TJ cheered.

“Pepper sneezes have no effect on them,” I said, patting a jar of cayenne strapped to my belt. “I tried it when the Apneans were chasing Vivian and me. They have some kind of invisible shield that deflects the snot.”

“Just like Magneto from the X-Men,” Mumps said. “He has a force field that can block out matter and energy. The field is strong enough to withstand a hundred nuclear bombs.”

“Except that there is a big difference between Magneto and the Apneans,” Jimmy said.

“What's that? Mumps asked.

“Magneto is a fictional comic book character and Apneans are real!”

“Shhhhh!” I hissed, pressing a finger to my lips. I don't want my mom to wake up again.”

“The reflective shield they possess means we can't fight them with conventional sneezes,” Vivian said.

“Then how are we supposed to destroy them?” Jimmy asked.

“We need to lure Robo-Nose to Dr. Wackjöb's compound with the stinky hákarl.”

“Why?” TJ asked.

“Robo-Nose is Schnoz's evil doppelgänger,” Vivian explained. “We all know that Schnoz can't resist stinky smells. That means the giant booger factory snoring its way toward Earth loves nasty scents too.”

I walked over to the window and looked outside. The first winks of dawn peeked over the WMNF. Summer was ending; school would be starting soon, and that meant fall allergies. I was severely allergic to pollen from plants belonging to the genus Ambrosia—otherwise known as ragweed. I could already feel my nose tingling, eyes itching, and gallons of snot pouring from my honker. The ragweed made my sinuses throb and ears plug up so bad it felt like my head was going to implode.

“I got it!” I screeched.

“Got what?” Vivian asked.

“I know how we can defeat Robo-Nose! We plug up its nostrils so the thing implodes from the inside!”

I heard my mom's bedroom door open. Her feet stomped angrily down the hallway toward my bedroom.Vivian hid under the bed, I jumped under the covers, and the Not-Right Brothers slipped into their sleeping bags.

“Sweet dreams,” Mumps chimed, and then we all pretended to be asleep.

CHAPTER 20

STAGING AREA

T
he next morning, Vivian and the Not-Right Brothers met me inside the Nostril. I put on my tights, cape, Mardi Gras mask, and instantly became Super Schnoz!

“Schnoz, your idea to plug up Robo-Nose's nostrils is good,” Jimmy said. “But how can we pull it off?”

“That flying snotter is massive,” Vivian said. “There isn't enough ragweed on the whole planet to stuff that muzzle up.”

“We have to think of something,” TJ said.

“What about Krazy Glue?” Mumps suggested.

“It would take enough Krazy Glue to fill up Lake Winnipesaukee to close up that metallic honker,” I said. “The thing is massive.”

Vivian paced around the Nostril, thinking. She peeled Mr. Sticky from the window and stroked his rough, leathery skin. “Did you know that a gecko's sticky toe pads are so strong they can hold the weight of two adult males?”

“So?” Jimmy grunted. “What's your point?”

“I don't have a point,” Vivian said. “I was just saying.”

“I read all about geckos,” TJ said. “They have tiny hairlike thingies called
setae
on the base of their toes. Over two million setae could fit neatly on a quarter. Their feet are one of the stickiest substances on the planet.”

“Maybe we can use Mr. Sticky to plug up Robo-Nose,” Vivian said.

“That's a great idea!” Jimmy said sarcastically. “Let's go round up a billion geckos and shove them up Robo-Nose's booger factory.”

“It was just a suggestion,” Vivian fired back. “I don't hear you coming up with any ideas.”

“Let's talk to Dr. Wackjöb,” I said. “Maybe he knows what to do.” I popped my nose out the door and took a sniff. “The wind is picking up. It's a good time to fly.”

Vivian and the Not-Right Brothers positioned themselves in the harness. I pulled the straps tight, a gust of wind inflated my nostrils, and we were sailing into the sky.We were cruising at an altitude of two thousand feet when I saw something large punch through Earth's atmosphere.

“Look at that big plane!” Mumps gushed.

“That's not a plane,” I heard Vivian say. “It's Robo-Nose.”

I watched as the flying snout speeded toward the WMNF, the rumble of my stolen snores powering its humongous nostrils. Robo-Nose was an invincible snoring machine. The massive mechanical mucous maker made me quiver with anxiety. I would have to fight my evil twin nose-to-nose and nostril-to-nostril in an epic battle to save Earth.

Would I have enough nose power to do the job?

“Fly faster, Schnoz!” Jimmy shouted.

Robo-Nose descended like a cruise missile into the forest outside of town. A huge blast of green booger bombs shot from its beak followed by a massive explosion. Trees, rocks, and other debris exploded into the sky.

“That thing just blew up Dr. Wackjöb!” Vivian cried.

From a trick I learned from watching a TV show about peregrine falcons, I pinned my arms at my sides and dove at breaknose speed toward Dr. Wackjöb's compound. We came within a few hundred feet and my nostrils spread wide. A familiar, tangy stench tingled my nose hairs—hákarl. The round dome of the Cosmoscope was still intact.

“Robo-Nose didn't blow anything up!” I shouted to my friends. “I see the Cosmoscope and smell the rotting shark meat!”

“Then what did that thing just destroy?” Jimmy asked.

“I'm going to drop you off at Dr. Wackjöb's compound and find out,” I said.

I deposited my friends off and then did a reconnaissance flight. Robo-Nose had blasted a clearing in the woods about five miles from our present location. Dozens of Apneans buzzed around like flies on a dead squirrel. They were clearing away fallen trees and brush, preparing a staging area for their world conquest.