Surrender (31 page)

He laughed again, but this time it sounded low and terrifying. “That was very good. You almost had me there.” His face took on a wild quality. Dangerous. “Now what?”

All I could think was,
Save Zenn.
I took two steps before my arms were pinned to my sides. Jag still had one arm, and now Ty held the other.

Zenn, save Zenn.
I broadcasted my thoughts toward Pace as I struggled against the grip.

He met my eye before sprinting into the street. He let loose a wild roar and flung himself at Thane. They collided with a crunch of bone and a spattering of blood.

A sickening thud sounded, and Pace didn’t move again.
Thane spit blood and wiped his mouth as he stood up. Ty had one hand on Zenn’s jacket when Thane thrust his fist forward.

A jet of white mist hit Ty in the face. She choked and stumbled, knocking Zenn back toward Thane as she did.

I buried my face in Jag’s chest so I wouldn’t have to watch my sister die. “Stop!” I screamed. Everything turned still, silent. Thane waited—like I was the one calling the shots.

Because I was.

Oh. No. I was
in control
here.

No, no, no.
Bile rose in my throat. The clenching in my gut wasn’t from the bloodstained stones in front of Ty, though that would’ve done it. No, I’d become what I hated—a Director.

I’d finally found myself.

But I didn’t like who I was.

Bright red blood stained Ty’s stark face. I moved to revive her, tears already streaming over my cheeks, but Jag held me fast. “Let me go!” I thrashed against him, letting the rage blossom and replace the hurt inside.

“No, Vi,” Jag said, his voice soft and soothing. “Stay with me.” He spoke as a command. I sagged into him, but my eyes never left Ty.

Time slowed. The crickets became the loudest sound.

Thane took one step while I fumbled in my pocket for the tech. I hoped like hell I had the power to do what needed to be done.

I made my choice.

I spun toward Jag. His cheeks were wet.

“Jag, baby, take this and go.” I pressed the diminisher bracelet into his palm.

He looked at it, defiance seeping into his eyes. “No way in hell. I won’t run again. I’m not hiding—”

“Yes, you are. I love you, you idiot, and I refuse to watch you die. Now, go. This is my fight.”

He shoved the bracelet back at me. “No. What’s yours is mine. I won’t—”

I squeezed my eyes shut and forced him to be quiet. “You have to go. It’s the only way I know how to save you. Go, please.”

His beautiful blue eyes glazed over. He fingered the device that would allow him to hide and escape. Just when I thought he was going to slip it on, he looked at me. “But I promised I’d never leave you.”

“So you lied. I do it all the time.” A hole opened in my soul that could never be repaired. I’d lose him, probably forever.

It’s my choice,
I thought when I felt the weight of my actions.
Thane said to make a choice.

Jag wiped his thumb across my cheek, and I almost collapsed in on myself.

“I love you,” he whispered. “I promise, I’ll find you.”

I nodded, desperate to believe him. “I know you will.” I pried my fingers out of his. Focusing on his blueberry eyes, then his delicious lips, I mentally instructed him to put the bracelet on and run. I imagined him doing it.

A surge of tech burned my face, and I flinched away. Where Jag had just stood, a blank space stared back.

Feeling lost and alone, I sank to my knees. Exhausted and with my new power consuming me, I curled into a ball on the cold stones. Silence pressed down. Slow footsteps approached. I felt the careful caress of a father’s hand. I sobbed at the touch I’d longed to feel for seven years.

“That boy has poisoned you, V.”

I pulled away and staggered to my feet. “You’re lying. Jag loves me.”

He glanced at Zenn, who remained lifeless. “Well, I can see this is going to be a problem.” His face twisted with determination as his hand shot toward me.

I tried to dodge, but he caught a fistful of my hair. The leathery scent of his jacket stained my senses with unwanted comfort. I twisted, but his grip was firm.

Icy fingers of control stabbed into my awareness, starting
where Thane’s fingernails dug into my scalp. “Violet Schoenfeld, you will forget about Jag Barque. You will remember him no more.”

I struggled against his hold. “
You
forget about him! Leave me alone.” My command entered Thane’s awareness. His grip loosened for a split second. It wasn’t enough for me to get away before he regained control of himself.

I kicked, screamed, swung my arms. Thane stood resolute, holding me at arm’s length where I couldn’t reach him. An intense hatred resided in his eyes. “You will forget about him.”

“No! I need him!” I clawed at his hand where he gripped my hair. “Let me go! I hate you!” Desperation overrode the control I might have had.

A cruel smile painted Thane’s features. “I need the old you, not this new Jagified version. Violet Schoenfeld, forget about Jag Barque. Forget you even met him. Forget he exists.”

I fought his voice, but a black weight slammed into my mind.

“You’ll never make me help you,” I gasped out as the darkness spilled into my memories, covering the guy’s name, his face, his voice.

“I can do anything I put my mind to, Violet.”

Pain rippled from my scalp to my neck and back. Thoughts fled. Memories darkened into sinkholes. Footsteps moved
away. Coldness smothered me into a hole so deep and narrow, I couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe.

“So can I,” I choked out. “And you’ll never . . .”

I couldn’t finish, because I couldn’t remember what Thane would never be able to do.

I’m running. Fast.

Faster than I’ve ever run before. I’m chasing someone, and I desperately need to see his face. He haunts me. He has for months.

I have to catch him this time. I can’t live through another night without knowing who he is.

He dodges into the doorway of a building. The night sky around me is bathed in red. I duck into the doorway too, but there’s no one there. Something smells familiar. Pine needles and earth and . . .
guy
.

I’ve been here before.

With him.

He has no name. At least not one I can remember. A crushing
hand of despair squeezes my fluttering heart. I touch the brick wall, expecting the cool bite against my fingers. Instead, it feels warm, like a body has lent its heat to the stone.

But no one is here. He’s never here.

Like in the other nightmares, the doorway disappears and now I’m walking in a desert. It’s so hot, and my face and arms are tender and pink. Someone holds my hand and rubs cream into my sunburned skin.

But when I turn to look at him, there’s only a blank space. Walking next to me. Watching the stars. Chuckling. He says my name in a velvety voice.

I’m in love with the blank-space-guy.

Where is he? Why can’t I remember his name?

Panic takes over. Fear. Crushing loneliness.

Because he’s really gone. And he’s not coming back.

This is where I wake up, almost like my dreaming self can’t handle the weight of living without him. Like I can shoulder it while awake. If anything, it cripples me more.

I roll toward the wall, desperate to put the guy’s face together and coming up empty.

When I can’t stand lying in bed anymore, I step onto the balcony to watch the sun rise. A few minutes pass before I sense Zenn coming. Happiness pours from his mind because he has something exciting happening today.

“Morning, beautiful.” He hands me a mug and slips his hand around my waist. I lean into him. His silk pajamas smell like toast and milk, the breakfast we eat together every morning.

The autumn sun rises, bringing with it a warm breeze from the coast. “I love it here,” I sigh.

“Me too.” He leans down and kisses me. My sweet, wonderful Zenn. “You’ve got two appointments today. We’re meeting this afternoon, remember?” He inhales the scent of my hair before straightening.

I nod. “Are you meeting with the Director today?”

“Yes. I think he’s going to—”

“You’ll make an excellent Assistant.” I smile at him.

Zenn’s clear, blue eyes dance. “You think so?”

“Absolutely.”

Something in Zenn’s pocket beeps. He pulls it out with his right hand, where he wears a thin band of gold. I lightly trace the matching ring I wear on my pinky, proof of Zenn’s dedication and love.

“I’ll be right back.” Zenn steps through the door and closes it.

I linger on the balcony. The wind plays in my hair, and the beach below brings comfortable memories. I’ve walked every inch of the coast with Zenn.

I touch the string of gems around my neck. They glow in
the weak morning light. The blank space beside me reappears. Someone gave me this necklace. It’s important. He’s important.

I retrieve a locator—something I found in my jeans—from my bedside table. Maybe I can try to find the blank-space-guy. Make him tell me his name and why I can’t get him out of my head.

I flip the locator over and over. The screen at the top stays blank. Why can’t I remember his name?

I stare a hole into the locator, desperate for a name to spontaneously appear. It doesn’t.

Today is going to be a bad day. My appointments will have to be canceled. It isn’t fair to tinker with people’s minds when my own is so screwed up.

Zenn knocks on the door at the same time he opens it.

I almost launch the locator over the balcony. Then I won’t have a way to find the guy. But . . . then I won’t have a way to find the guy. And I’m not ready to give up yet.

“I’m going. I just need to shower.”

Zenn stops me with one of his famous frowns. “How come you didn’t tell me about your nightmare?” His adoring eyes usually calm me. Suddenly I don’t want to look in them.

I slip the locator into my pocket, comforted by the warmth of it against my leg. “I can’t remember anything.”

“That’s good,” he says. “That journey is done. You should
forget all of it.” He puts his hand on my shoulder. “Just forget about it.”

I nod, my mind going blank no matter how hard I try to hold on to the slippery threads of memory. By the time I get out of the shower, I wonder why I thought today would be a bad one.

After my appointments, I head toward the beach, making sure to pull my sleeves down to my wrists before stepping into the street. Zenn’ll be waiting at the dock, ready to take my hand and walk south. We’ll spend the rest of the day watching the waves and talking about anything and everything.

Suddenly someone hisses my name.

I freeze. Something like this has happened before. Not here, not in Freedom, but in the Badlands. I strain to grasp the memory, but it flees.

Zenn laughs. He pulls me into a shadowy doorway and removes his hat. “Surprise, beautiful. I thought we’d eat
somewhere in today.” He’s handsome with his bleached hair and even whiter teeth.

“In?” I ask, feeling the coolness of the smooth stone disappear as Zenn pulls me so close our bodies touch along every point.

“Yeah, it’s almost my birthday. I want to celebrate with you.”

“Zenn, your birthday isn’t until March. That’s six months away.”

“I know,” he says, taking off my hat too. “But I want to be with you. I want us to be together.” I imagine his next words before they come. “I love you, my lovely Violet.” Zenn leans down, pausing just before kissing me. His mouth is warm and familiar, but that’s all. It doesn’t fill my soul with a choking desire or anything. I think it used to, but now his kiss feels, well, empty.

Then the blank-space-guy replaces Zenn. The doorway in the dream is similar to this one. Is that guy . . . Zenn?

It seems to fit, but at the same time, it totally doesn’t. I remove the locator from my pocket. Vaguely, I hear Zenn say my name.

I run my fingertip over the screen. I need a name. Desperately.

“Let me have that,” Zenn says, his long fingers closing over mine.

I grip it harder before letting him take it. A vital piece of my soul goes with it. I need that locator to find the guy. The one I’m in love with.

And it’s not Zenn.

But I can’t remember who it is.

“So . . . lunch?” Zenn asks, his voice false and bright. “Are you okay?”

I finally tear my gaze off my now-empty palm. Zenn’s face is a picture of adoration. For me.

“Yeah, sure, lunch.” My skin is the only thing holding everything inside. Still clutching our hats in his hand, Zenn steers me into the sunlight. The gentle rays feel like lasers, threatening to slice through my filament-thin defenses.

Because I have a hole inside that needs to be filled.

“Whatever is bothering you, you should forget it,” Zenn says in his most soothing voice. “Today is about you and me.”

I forget about the nameless, faceless guy and snuggle into Zenn’s side. “You’re right. Happy birthday, babe.”

He tucks his hand in my back pocket and leads me to the nicest restaurant in the city.

For DVR-ing my favorite shows, eating cold cereal for (breakfast, lunch, and) dinner, and waiting patiently in the queue: Adam, Isaac, and Eliza, my truest champions and greatest treasures.

For reading so many drafts of
Possession
and not gouging your eyes out: Christine Fonseca, Windy Aphayrath, and Amanda Bonilla.

For the friendship, beta reads, and late-night sob fests: Suzette Saxton, Bethany Wiggins, H. L. Dyer, Carolyn Kaufman, Mary Lindsey, and Patrick McDonald.

For providing a shining light through the maze of grammar and setting: Lisa Roecker, Laura Roecker, Beth Revis, Katie Anderson, Lisa Amowitz, Shannon Messenger, Jamie Harrington, Shelli Johannes-Wells, Danyelle Leafty, Cole Gibsen, Michelle McLean, Ali Cross, Jenn Wilks, Stacy Henrie, and Sara Olds.

For helping me stay hinged: Michelle Andelman, Anica Rissi, and the entire Simon Pulse team.

For bringing the awesome and making me spew beverages during chats: the ladies of WriteOnCon: Casey McCormick,
Jamie Harrington, Shannon Messenger, Jen Stayrook, and Lisa and Laura Roecker.