Surrender: The Greek Affair Series Book One (25 page)

He shifts slightly, loosening his hold on her while still lying next to her and with her.

“I want to know because my concentration so far, has been finding work in London. I would look towards Australia if you let me know, but that takes more time as there is a work visa involved.”

Hope is a little stunned and feels speechless. Her mind is blurred and she can’t think of anything sensible to say to him. She’s silent for a long time because once more, he has proven how mature he is. And somewhere inside her she finds something to say.

“Did you tell your family about us?”

“Off course I did.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“What did they say? What was their reaction?”

“I got a lot of advice from my grandparents. In the end, they said it was my decision and that I had to love you a lot, and I said I did.”

“No more than that? I’m surprised. I at least expected your grandparents to object.”

“They had no objections. My grandparents are wise and understand love. Did you tell your son?” He felt her squirm in his arms and he knew the answer.

“I’m not ready for that yet.”

“Ok, it’s up to you for when you’re ready. But don’t underestimate him. From the things you have told me, he sounds very mature and worldly, and he’s old enough to understand.”

How can she love him and not want to be honest with him? He has once again proven his commitment to her by telling his family, while she is still procrastinating, even though she knows she wants to be with him.

They stay like this and talk about exploring some of their favorite things in Athens: the summer arts festival; the nightlife; the multiple museums and art galleries; and the great eating-places. The only definitive plan is to get a program for the summer arts festival and all else can fall into place according to their mood. It’s hot outside, which means walking the streets of Athens for museums and gallery tours have to be done before the middle of the day.

They have both seen the museums before but one never tires of seeing these great institutions, that speak of bygone eras.

The day is best spent indoors for sane people. The morning has passed and they are close to the hottest part of the day, so they decide to leave any outing for later.

Much later, he whispers in her ear.

“Can I make love to you?” The question has taken her by surprise, and she pulls back from his embrace while still lying on the couch, and gazes into his green pools.

“You’re asking for the only thing I can give you, without complications.”

He looks back at her thoughtfully,

“Agápi mou (my love)
, there is nothing uncomplicated about making love to you. Every time I take your body, I fall deeper and deeper into your abyss, and I have no will to get myself out. And no, you don’t give yourself as willingly as you might think.”

With that she sits up, untangles herself from him and looks at him with a hurt expression. Yes, she feels hurt. Heaven knows why she should feel hurt when in the few months they have been together he has shown and offered her a world she has always craved for, and she has no idea how to take his offer.

“What do you mean, I don’t give myself willingly. When have I said no to you for sex?”

“
Agápi mou (my love)
, you give your body willingly.” And with that she knows what he means and decides to veer away from the subject, and instead gives him her body. This is the one act she knows how to do without asking questions.

“Yes, my darling. You can make love to me.”

And he does make love to her. He is the most gentle he has ever been. He takes his time, exploring her body, being inside her, looking at her while he makes love to her, and just tells her, over and over again, how beautiful she is, how much he wants her, and how much he loves her.

It seems as if it’s just about pleasing her and she does not know why he wants to please her so much, when it means he denies himself. But then she comes to the realization that he does not deny himself anything, as the majority of his pleasure is giving her pleasure, and for the first time she understands fully what he means when he indicates that she only gives her body willingly.

They have moved to the bedroom and to the bed, making love in the middle of the day. She knows now that her relationship with Jason has been a steep learning curve for her. She has learned things about herself she never knew before, or maybe she knew but did not want to deal with her deep and underlying issues.

They are sated for the time being, and lying in each other’s arms. She can tell he has not had enough of her. He is nuzzling into her neck, fondling her breasts and she knows this is not about sex, and it breaks her heart, as he deserves all of her, not just her body.

“Can I tell you a story?”

With his face in her neck, “Mmmmmmmmm, you have my full attention.”

“
Kardiá mou (my heart)
, I’m not sure if I know how to love.” And he immediately moves away from her, propping himself up on his hand, looking at her and saying nothing for a few beats.

Then. “Of course you do! You are just afraid to love. But go ahead. I’m listening.”

Hope is lying sideways looking at him.

“Yes, I love my son but I’m not talking that kind of love. I don’t think I can differentiate between sex and love.”

He moves further away disentangling himself completely from her, puts his hands under his head and looks at the ceiling for a bit as if thinking and then he turns on his side propping himself up on his elbow, looking at her.

“Go on.”

“I’m trying to verbalise, and it’s hard, as I’m only beginning to understand aspects of who I am since I met you. I grew up in a very unstable environment. I’m the product of self-absorbed divorced parents. I lived mostly with relatives, not to mention a migrant child who had to learn everything from the beginning, navigating through a new language and a new culture.

I married much too young, not understanding what marriage was all about. I naively believed that there was a “happily-ever-after” only to find out there was no such thing.”

She took a deep breath and adjusted herself next to him and continued.

“I naively believed my husband was going to love me like no one ever did and look after me. And when I say look after me, I mean it in an emotional sense. It never occurred to me that he wasn’t an adult, even though he was substantially older then me”

He disappointed me in every sense of the word but then I might have disappointed him too. I guess I’ll never know all I do know we were incompatible as a couple, but I was to young to work out why. He was a man but only biologically. Emotionally he was a spoilt teenager

Given my upbringing and my failed marriage, I suspect I can only love through sex. It’s easy, its pleasurable and there are no complications.”

She stops and looks at him. He says nothing, but looks at her and says.

“Continue. I want to see where you are going with this.”

“So you have to understand that what has happened with us has caught me by surprise and I have difficulty dealing with it all. And I tell myself each day, ‘it’s only sex and it will just wither away’ and everyday this feeling I have for you gets stronger. And it scares me. I keep telling myself I’m “in sex” with you, and not in love with you. I don’t really understand this ‘love’ thing at all, and all that you are giving me. And I’m afraid that I wont be able to give you back, what you deserve.”

She looks at him with love in her eyes. And continues.

“You would make life easier for me if you were less wonderful, less attentive, less caring, and a mediocre lover. And I say the latter not via humor, but the fact that you care so much about my pleasure, which sometimes seems that you put yourself second.”

He reaches out and caresses her cheek saying,

“The Greek language has four different words for love, two of them are almost identical as in our case,
érotas and agápi
(Eros and love). Can you spot the difference? Most of the time they mean the same thing. A couple cannot have a complete relationship without both of those feelings and emotions running parallel. How often do we use the first word outside the sexual meaning? I cannot take pleasure in sex, unless I please you. It’s not about me. It’s about us!”

“Are you always a good lover, no matter what you feel for your partner?” And as she asks this, she confirms to herself how truly inexperienced she is when it comes to love, and she wishes she could take it back, but it’s out there now.

“I hope that I have been a caring lover with all the women I have been with. But this does not mean I had to be in love with all of them. With you it’s more. More about everything. I’m never sated physically or emotionally. I always want more of you. I can’t imagine life without you.”

He leans towards her and kisses her mouth tenderly.

“There is a spirituality in what I feel for you and I’m not coming from religion when I say that, but rather, from an inner core in my heart and my soul. I can’t force you to feel the same, but I always hope that we are close.”

Hope looks into his face, reaches out and caresses his cheek.

“That’s what scares me my love. That I can’t give you the ‘more’ you want, need, and deserve. I will let you down in every way possible, even though I feel all those things you mention but am not capable of giving you. Nor am I free to give without condition.”

He moves in towards her and takes her in his arms.

“You can never let me down. I know what your feelings for me are. You have trouble being in love. It’s not that you don’t love me, so we shall overcome this. I’m not sure what could pull us apart, but it would have to be something earth-shattering (and I say this as it may be out of our control), because I truly believe that you would not just walk away from this, this thing that we have. It’s much too precious for both of us, so please don’t run away. There is no need to run.”

The conversation is getting very emotional, tears were verging in Hope’s eyes, and she needed to escape from this and she does, the only way she seems to know how.

“Make love to me.”

And he does so again. It’s hot outside and most people are indoors, being indoors with Jason in the middle of an August day in Athens, can only mean making love.

The heat as uncomfortable as it is, can also be an aphrodisiac.

Chapter Twenty-One

They are in the kitchen after showering, raiding the fridge for a cold drink, Hope is getting the glasses for the water and Jason is with his head in the refrigerator.

From deep inside the cave of the fridge his hollow voice can be heard.

“Mmmmm, love mayonnaise.”

Hope looks at him as he is pulling out the jar and looking at the mayonnaise.

She sees the lascivious twinkle in his grin as he grabs a spoon, opens the jar and moves towards her, she knows what he is thinking and she moves back trying to get away from him, protesting but all the while trying not to laugh as she watches him spoon the mayonnaise into his mouth.

“Oh no you don’t English, go find a salad to put it on. I’ve just had a shower.” He catches and manages to pin her against the sink, with the jar in one hand and the spoon in the other. He crushes her mouth with his and she’s eating mayonnaise, it’s all over her face and he is licking her. They burst out laughing, now with mayonnaise all over their faces. They part, still laughing, and she tears some kitchen paper and wipes her face. Then she turns and wipes his face too, while he puts the villain in his hand back in its place and she gets the cold water to quench their thirst. She has an epiphany, realising that after three emotionally harrowing months, their relationship has matured into that very intimate and comfortable place, and something snaps inside her, as she confirms to herself again that she would go anywhere with him. They would find a solution she was sure. She knows now that her heart has surrendered to his love. She admits to herself, that she is experiencing this overwhelming feeling of wanting to belong to this man, but she chooses to keep this to herself, for now.

It’s early evening, and they have decided to venture out. This is Hope’s favourite time in this city, as the sun has gone down and the heat is reflected from the asphalt and the buildings. Just as it is in other parts of Greece, where not many people stay indoors in the early evening in the heart of summer. They pick up a program for the Athens Summer Arts Festival from the nearest kiosk and they just walk.

They are dressed for the very hot August night, their skins golden from their island stay. They are both feeling happy, and they have walked the street with arms hooked into one another’s, talking and feeling very relaxed. Hope knows deep in her heart this relaxed stance between them now has to do with her, because she has come to terms with being loved and loving back.

In Athens it is back to normal, they are away from their island euphoria, that could only have been temporary and has no bearing on what goes on in everyday life. They are thinking about the “what next?” Each of them in their own way.

Jason is thinking more about the going forward and Hope has stopped thinking altogether about the “us”. She has for the first time allowed herself to enjoy what they have outside the sexual aspect of their relationship. The sex has been so intense and overpowering, that everything else seemed to fade in the background, whereas, in fact, there always was a lot more than she cared to admit, and she had been too afraid to explore, because then she would have to accept it, and move on with him to explore together.