Surviving Love (24 page)

After Darcie and Reggie arrived, I thought it was going be fine. Everyone was talking about normal, random things, like work, drunks, racing, etc…but no such luck. Jake and Reggie were
tying one on and they were completely obnoxious. Once each of them shared half the bottle of whiskey, their alter egos took over. I was mortified.
 

Jake started in. “So Zoe, what’s going on with you and my bro here?” He slapped me in the chest and I returned it with a rather hard punch to the arm. “Ow, calm the fuck down. I think the family has a right to know what’s going on with you guys. Axl, here…” Jake tapped Mia on her head and she returned his smile with one covered in jam.
 

“Kiss, Uncie Jake!” Mia demanded as she distracted Jake from his thought and leaned forward. He complied, kissing my child’s jelly covered face.
 

Delilah wiped the trace of jelly from Jake’s face then he licked it off her finger. I was getting grossed out, but he picked up right where he left off. “Where was I? Oh, yeah…if she’s going to be around Axl, I guess I’d like to know—well, we’d all like to know what the fuck is going on between you two.”
 

Darcie then chimed in, only to stir things up—she’s infamous for that. “Oh, I agree with Jake. Your relationship seems a bit interesting, to say the least.” She took a bite of her mashed potatoes, smirking the entire time. I wanted to punch the shit out of Jake at that point. I had no idea where the conversation was heading, but my gut was telling me it was going downhill fast.
 

“Yeah.” Zoe kept as cool as she could and glanced over at Reggie with the look of indifference on her face. “What’s with you and my brother?” He crossed his arms over his chest, scolding her like he would one of us. “As his eldest brother.”
 

“Eldest is right,” I jabbed, in hopes to distract his drunken mind from its original thought. However, I got awarded with his classic scowl and then shut my mouth.
 

“Anyway, I need to know what your intentions are with him.”
 

“What am I, twelve? You guys are completely out of your mind.” I turned to Zoe. “You don’t have to answer them. They’re just drunk.” I was fuming mad at this point and ready to start whooping ass.
 

 Zoe grabbed my arm, smiled and then zeroed in on Reggie. “Well, I think it’s pretty clear what my intentions are with your brother, Reggie.” She set down her fork and wiped the corners of her mouth with a Christmas themed napkin. Her glare was serious, intense. I had nothing to say. What could I have said? It was a slow moving train wreck anyway you looked at it. “It’s not like we’ve been hiding it and I must say his intentions are very,
very
generous, if you know what I mean.” She winked to him and went back to scooping up her food. I, on the other hand, began to choke on my dinner roll, trying to capture my breath after Zoe’s rather blunt comment. I pounded my fist against my chest as all eyes looked to me in bewilderment.
 

Jake let out a huge laugh. “Holy shit, dude. I like her. She will definitely fit in here.”   
 

“ZZZZOOOOEEEE!” Mia screamed from out of the blue and we all busted up laughing. Needless to say, the night got better by the minute and she handled my brothers perfectly.
 

When New Year’s came around we rang it in at
The Slab
. No kissing was exchanged, but later we had a quickie in the back of my Chevelle. I haven’t had sex in a car since I was fifteen, long before Presley and I were together. It was pretty amazing. Actually, I don’t remember car sex being amazing at all. Back in the day, it was hard to find places to put your limbs, and if the girl wasn’t good at rocking her hips, it was all on the guy to get it done. I got it done, you can
believe that, but it was difficult to get there. However, Zoe and me in the front seat of my Chevelle… yeah, she knew exactly what she was doing right down to the denim skirt and the sexy way she moved her hips. I came in no time, as did she.
 

Zoe, Darcie and Delilah have formed a bond with one another. Darcie and Zoe especially. They spend a lot of time at the bar, working of course, but Darcie and she have been hanging out at our house as well. It was strange at first, seeing them together, knowing it was once Presley and Darcie sitting on the couch and watching movies. I’d be lying if I said the sight didn’t pain me a little.
 

I was concerned at first that the girls were going to tell Zoe about Presley. I never wanted her to know about her during the short time we’ve had together because that means I would have to face the pity and heartache I’ve been trying to avoid.
 

I pulled Darcie and Delilah both aside right before Christmas, knowing they were all going shopping together. The conversation was on my mind for a long time before I could fight it. We were standing in the kitchen of Jake and Delilah’s apartment as the girls were making their shopping lists and arguing about a gift. Zoe went to use the bathroom so I took the opportunity to share my feelings.
 

“Don’t say anything to Zoe about…” I trailed off. Both Delilah and Darcie looked up from the piece of paper and waited for me to elaborate, but it wasn’t needed. They knew exactly what I was referring to.
 

“Drake, we would never disclose anything that was rightfully yours to share,” Delilah whispered. “But she will want to know eventually, don’t you think?”
 

I shake my head, knowing she understands where I stand on the
more
factor. “We have an understanding and she doesn’t pry, but if you start talking about
her
or the past, she will catch on. I can’t answer those questions.” I stood tall, getting irritated as they looked at me with judgmental eyes. “I will never answer those questions. Do you understand?”
 

“Drake, she’s not an idiot. She’ll want to know sooner or later,” Darcie hissed.
 

“Well, that’s something that will never happen, so don’t raise her curiosity.”
 

Zoe exited the bathroom and we finished our conversation. I know it was probably an unreasonable request in their eyes, but Darcie and Delilah don’t have to live through the pain like I do. They didn’t feel the blood on their hands and watch helplessly as the love of their life breathed her last breath.
 

Sure they’ve lost a friend, but it’s very different from my end. I’m faced with the horror of what I’ve lost every day when I look into my daughter’s eyes. I see Presley, and every time I’m reminded she’s no longer here.
 

Later tonight, Zoe and I will spend the evening in her bed. I have finally convinced her to at least get a bed to sleep on instead of that blow up air mattress. After a night of a hardcore sex-fest, we popped the air mattress, and when she went to buy another, I told her to get an actual bed instead. She purchased a mattress—no box spring—and told me she’d have to leave it behind when that time comes. I remember the thought of her leaving angering me, yet I’m still unsure if it’s because I care so much that she’s still thinking of leaving or at the thought of her physically being gone.
 

I walk up the stairs to Jake and Delilah’s apartment with Mia in my arms. She’s going to be three in a couple of months and her vocabulary has tripled. She says so much now; it’s unreal how much she sounds like a person instead of a baby.
 

I open the door into their kitchen to find Jake standing shirtless, digging in the fridge. I swear he never wears a shirt unless he has to, but I think it’s also because Delilah can’t help herself. He’s added to his collection of tattoos and now his back is covered with much of the same shit that’s on his arms. He’s becoming a walking work of art. I will never understand nor have the desire to, but as long as Delilah likes it, that’s all that matters.
 

When I shut the door, Mia wiggles out of my arms and runs to Jake. “Uncie Jake!”
 

Jake picks her up and gives her a toss into the air. Mia laughs loudly and Jake does it again. “Axl, you’re getting so big. Pretty soon, Uncle won’t be able to toss you up in the air.”
 

“Where’s Auntie D? I want her to see my fingers.” Mia holds up her fingernails that have been recently painted a bubble gum pink with glitter.
 

“She’s in the bedroom,” Jake informs her and Mia shoots from the kitchen like a rocket. That’s another thing, she only has one speed nowadays and that speed is run. She runs everywhere.
 

Jake cracks open a can of soda, taking a large swig. “So, are you and Zoe hanging out tonight?” He wags his eyebrows up and down, insinuating that he already knows what we do when we are alone. I just return his comment with an eye roll. “You know, it’s okay to be happy with her.” His statement comes from left field and rocks me off my axis.
 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I’m irritated instantly.
 

“It means, it’s okay to move on. You of all people deserve to be happy, so just…be.” Jake finishes his soda and tosses the can into the trash. He then rubs his belly and releases a huge burp. “Zoe’s cool and she’s good with Axl. I think she’s exactly what you need, but the question is, are you smart enough to realize that?”
 

I’m taking relationship advice from the one man who has avoided it at all costs. Now that he and Delilah are exclusive, he thinks it gives him a right to council me. Give me a fucking break.
 

“I’m not having this conversation,” I say, trying to suppress my anger as I hear Delilah and Mia walking into the kitchen.
 

I plant a smile on my face then lean forward, kissing my daughter goodbye.
 

“Bye, Daddy! Auntie D has finger paint, too!” She’s very excited to show me Delilah’s nails are also painted pink and the site of her happiness is impossible to ignore. I give her another swift kiss and walk from the kitchen.
 

As the cold air hits my skin, an unsettling feeling starts to flood in. I can’t shake what my brother has just advised me to do. What does he know anyway? He’s only been in one relationship and that person is alive and well, sleeping in his bed. She’s not six feet under and didn’t leave you abandoned with a child to raise alone. Nevertheless, it’s impossible to ignore his comments.
 

Is it okay to really be happy with Zoe? I mean, I’m happier now than I have been in almost two years, but is what I have enough?
 

Jake gets my mind thinking about a place I know I can’t go, but it’s a place I will soon have
to face if I want to keep Zoe in my life. And right now, I don’t have the ability to give her the part of myself she deserves to have.
 

The sickening reality is cutting me deep, knowing our days are numbered. I should have let her leave sooner. I should have never told her it was okay to stay. I should have…I can’t even complete a thought, it’s too overwhelming.
 

Zoe
 

I’m finishing getting ready for Drake to come over, and I can’t stop the excitement. Every time he comes over, my heart flutters and my knees get weak. I am head over heels in love with this man, but I have yet to tell him. I’ve been waiting patiently to disclose my true feelings, knowing it will be impossible to keep them inside for much longer. However, I’m afraid. I don’t know how he will react. We’ve never had that conversation of
more
since the first time we were together. I’ve avoided it like the plague. The day I reveal my heart is coming soon, as I feel it living just below the surface. I only wish he’d be as open to my love as I am to his.
 

Two hours later, Drake finally stumbles up the stairs to my apartment and bangs on the door. When I open it up, he is barely standing while holding a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels—completely drunk out of his mind.
 

“Hey, ZOOOOEEEE,” he emphasizes my name in long, loud syllables. He’s so drunk he can no longer control the level of his voice. Well, it looks like I will be babysitting a drunk tonight, so much for anything else.
 

I open the door wider and invite him to come in. He’s barely holding himself up, using the wall as a brace, however that ends up moving on him and down he goes. His backside hits with a hard thud and the bottle of Jack crashes to the floor, shattering into a thousand tiny pieces.
 

“Jesus, Drake!” I scold and am secretly thankful the below neighbors moved out last week.
 

“Oops.” He begins to laugh then momentarily gets angry at himself. “Fuck!” Drake punches the carpeted floor hard. Great, whiskey drunks are the hardest. It makes people so mean and hard to deal with. Hopefully, I don’t have too many problems with him.
 

After sweeping up the shards of glass and wiping up the booze, Drake starts to pass out on the floor. I bend down and grab his boot in my hand. “Here,” I say as I untie the strings and carefully slip them both off. I stand to my feet and extend my hand. I glance at him to take my outstretched hand so I can help him up, which he gladly does. I manage to get him to his feet, just enough to help him over to the bed in the middle of my living room.
 

I move to the kitchen and get a glass of water and two Advil, knowing he will need this sooner rather than later. “Here.” I drop the pills into his hand and pass over the glass of water. Drake chugs it down and wipes off the wandering dribbles of water that have fallen onto his chin. I kneel in front of him and his eyes light up with delight—yeah, that’s not going to happen. “Not right now, cowboy. You need to sleep for a while first.”
 

“I’ve never had whiskey dick…ever. So let’s do this, Zoe.” Drake grabs the crotch of his pants, clasping onto his manhood. I am turned on slightly, but I cannot have sex with someone—well, Drake—when he may not remember it in the morning.