Surviving Regret (20 page)

She pulls me into a hug. “You’re welcome, sweetie.”

When she lets me go I go back to the truck and start it up waiting on Landon. I don’t really care what my sister does but out of the corner of my eye I can see she’s right on Landon’s heels.

“Let’s go,” Landon says fastening his seatbelt.

***

When we arrive at the hospital we walk in and get passes to go see Alexa. The lady at the counter gives us a sympathetic smile as she slides our passes to us. I walk down the hallway in the direction of the elevator. When I reach them I glance over my shoulder and see Landon and Madison talking. Madison shakes her head and Landon walks off toward me.

When he approaches I ask, “She not going to see her?”

Landon shrugs. “She’s giving us our time.”

The elevator doors ding and we step in. I go to one side and Landon goes to the other. The doors ding again and close, it’s just the two of us in our protective bubble, neither wanting to leave but both knowing we can’t stay in the elevator forever.

Landon looks to the floor. “I can’t go in there.”

I take a deep breath, I was wondering if this was going to happen. “You should, Landon.”

He looks up at me, he’s tired. His eyes are bloodshot with dark circles around them. He’s let his hair grow out a little and he hasn’t shaved in a few days. Landon is letting himself go.

“She hates me.”

She probably does. Alexa is hurting, enough so that she wanted to kill herself. “She hates everyone. She’s lost, angry and wants to take it out on everyone.”

He leans back against the wall and crosses his ankles. “I can’t do it.”

I take the few steps to him and wrap my arms around him. I need his comfort as much as he needs mine. “Alright, but at some point you have to deal with it. You have to talk to her Landon.”

I feel his head nod up and down.

The elevator doors ding and we walk toward the room Alexa is in. I look to Landon. “You sure you don’t want to go in? We can go in together,” I offer.

He shakes his head and leans against the wall across from Alexa’s room. “I’ll wait here.”

“Okay.”

As I push on the door to her room my hand starts to shake. I don’t know what to expect. I step into her room but don’t look to her right away; I need that extra few seconds to control myself.

I take a deep breath and look up. She looks awful as I suspected. Alexa seems skinnier than when I saw her a few months ago. She’s pale and her cheeks are stained with tears. Her eyes are red and swollen.

There is a chair next to her bed. I slip my purse off my shoulder and set it beside the chair before sitting down. I see Alexa’s fingers flinch. I reach out to grab her hand in both of mine.

“Alexa,” I start to say and I watch a tear slip down her cheek. I let go with one hand and reach up to wipe it away. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a shitty friend.”

She huffs and turns her head and my hand falls away. She’s angry and maybe a little embarrassed.

“I should have been there for you but I wasn’t. I was too damn scared and didn’t know how to handle things with you. I’m sorry.” My own tears burn my eyes.

She turns to look at me and the corner of her lip pulls into a smile. “I would have only pushed you away.”

I nod because if I were in her shoes I would have too. “I still should have tried harder.” The tears spill over. “Maybe you wouldn’t be here.”

She shakes her head. “This is not your fault. I wanted the pain to go away.” Alexa starts to sob. “I miss him so much, Macy.”

I let go of her hand and climb into bed next to her. We both need it. The two of us cry until we have nothing left. We cried for Steven, for that night that changed all of us.

“Are you going to be okay?” I ask once we’ve both wiped our tears away and caught our breaths.

“I’ll never be okay. A piece of me died that night with him,” Alexa answers honestly. “I’m not going back to school once I get released from here. I need to deal with what happened. I need professional help and it’s about time I get it.”

I nod in complete understanding. “When do you get out?”

“Tomorrow, I hope. My parents are getting things ready for me back home.” She sighs. “My mom knew it was a mistake letting me go to University of Oregan but she also knew I wanted to go because it’s where Steven would have been. She knew I needed to feel as close to him as I could.”

“Yeah,” it’s all I can think of to say because it’s the truth.

Alexa whispers, “I don’t know how to live without him, Mace.”

“Make me a promise?”

Alexa looks out the window and nods.

“No more of this. You’re here, live for him.” The tears start again. “It’s what he would want.”

She doesn’t answer right away and I’m not sure she will make me that promise but then she says, “As long as you make me a promise too.”

“Okay.”

“Promise me that you’ll stop being blind to Landon. He’s going to ruin you, Macy. Be you, be the girl who was my best friend in high school. Don’t put up with his shit.” Alexa’s voice rises and I wonder if Landon can hear her standing out in the hall. “I know what goes on at school. I hear about the parties and what the football players are doing and who they’re doing. I see it all too. It hurts me to watch you living your life with your head turned away when it involves Landon.” Alexa takes a deep breath. “I blame him and Madison for that accident but what pisses me off the most is that they’re throwing their lives away. They should be…” Her tears come again. “They shouldn’t take that for granted.”

“I know,” I whisper and hug her close.

Everything she has said is true. In some ways Cash and I are taking life for granted with the way we let them walk all over us. Alexa is right when she said that I’ve been letting Landon walk all over me. I shouldn’t let him but I do anyway. If I am pregnant this changes everything for me. I won’t put my baby through this emotional rollercoaster that is Landon. Life is too precious, if only I would listen to myself.

“I think Madison wants to talk to you,” I say slipping from Alexa’s bed. “I’m going to go down and get something to drink. Do you want anything?”

She smiles and shakes her head.

“I’ll see you later.”

She nods and I see another tear slip down her beautifully pale face.

December 8, 2013

I can’t focus on anything when I wake up. Mostly because my mind is all over the place, I’m still upset with Landon and my life is a fucking wreck. Not only am I worried about Alexa but I still haven’t started my period.
Damn it.
Being pregnant would be the worst thing that could happen right now.

Landon has barely talked to me since leaving the hospital yesterday. Things are different after our blow up and we still have a lot more talking to do but him not saying a word really isn’t helping. I feel so alone.

As I lie here in bed, I feel like I need a friend, one who understands. I planned on going by the hospital to check on Alexa since she was getting released today but first I need to make a stop. I put on my Ducks hoodie and a pair of jeans, stop by the coffee stand on the corner and order a decaf mocha for me, and a black coffee for Cash.

I knock on the door when I get there, Julia, Cash’s step-mom, answers and smiles. She knows Cash and I are still friends. “It’s good to see you, sweetie,” she says wrapping her warm arms around me. For a while, Cash’s dad wouldn’t speak to any of us, said we were stupid and had put everyone’s life in danger. He had these grand plans that Cash would play in the NFL, and though that plan still looked that way, his dad didn’t want him having friends or distractions. He was a dick and I’m not sure what Julia sees in him because she’s super sweet.

“Is Cash around?”

“Yeah, he’s still in bed.” She points upstairs and then hears Bentley crying in the other room. I smile and take a peek since I haven’t seen Bentley in about six months. She’s already getting so big and walking by herself. When she sees her mommy, her toothless grin sends my heart fluttering. I could be having one of those soon. My hand goes to my stomach, my heart pounding, hands shaking.

“I can’t believe how big she’s gotten already,” I say, kneeling down beside her.

Bentley looks up at me and takes two wobbly steps in my direction. My eyes flood with tears. She looks identical to her big brother in a lot of ways. Same bright blue eyes and golden brown hair. Only instead of the wavy curls Cash has, Bentley looks like she stuck her little hand in a light socket. It sticks up everywhere.

Julia laughs and pats her hair. “Can’t tame it.”

I stare at Bentley, she stares at me and just as I’m near tears, she tries to take my coffee and pulls my hair.

“No, no, Bentley,” Julia says. “She just started that and we’re trying to break the habit.” Julie bends and untangles my hair from Bentley’s little fingers.

I stand and ruffle her little head, “I’m going to go visit your big brother.”

“It’s nice seeing you around here, Macy.”

It is nice being back here, away from what my life has become.

It may be weird that I’m going into Cash’s room not knowing if he may be naked in there or busy doing something else. I’m hoping he’s not either. I knock lightly on the door and hear a groan, but not much else so I knock again, this time louder. “Cash?”

“Yep.” His voice sounds groggy. “Come in.”

When I open the door, he looks at me funny but smiles. “Hey?”

Leaving the door open, I kick my shoes off leaning into the wall careful not to spill the coffee. By the time I reach his bed, I’m teary eyed again. “Scoot over… I need a friend.”

He looks at me funny. “What’s the matter?”

“I said scoot over.” I growl, showing him the coffee. “It’s the least you could do since I brought you coffee.”

That perks him up enough to scoot over.

“Is it weird that you’re in my bed?” Cash asks taking a drink from his coffee and then smirking suggestively. “I’m not wearing any shorts.”

“Cash… you’d better be clothed under there,” I groan.

“Hey, don’t tell me what to do. You got in my bed, remember?”

I’m quiet for a few minutes and then sigh. “Are you seriously naked?”

He pulls the covers back and I shield my eyes. “No,” he’s laughing at me. “Just teasing.”

I move my arm away from my eyes when he pulls the blanket back down.

“So what’s up? Usually when a chick’s in my bed she wants something from me.”

I roll my eyes, “I just need a friend…” I’m quiet for a minute and then the tears flow. All I do is cry, this is getting ridiculous. “I think I might be pregnant.”

Cash moves over a half a foot to the edge of the bed nearly falling off.

“What are you doing?” I squint my eyes watching him.

“I don’t want to catch it.”

I roll my eyes again but don’t say anything else. And after another few minutes, I can’t stand his silence and lift my eyes from the cup in my hand. “Say something?”

“What do you want me to say?” he shrugs and then smiles, he’s teasing. “Are you sure I just showed you my penis that night?”

“Yes,” I shove his shoulder.

“What did Landon say?”

“He asked if it was yours.”

He huffs, “Figures, and you said?”

“I told him that we never slept together.” I frown. “Then I accused him of sleeping around. He called Madison a whore too. He’s fucked up. I thought they were friends.”

Cash tenses about the time I said whore and doesn’t let up, but he also doesn’t say anything more.

“Are you going to keep it?” His voice is a little uneven.

“I haven’t taken a test. I’m just late, at least I hope.”

He looks over at me, his mood easing. “I’d make a really great uncle.”

I smile because I know he would. I have no doubt Cash would make a good father. Landon on the other hand, I’m not sure about these days. He can’t even seem to take care of himself.

We hear the door creak and then the little thumping of crawling and Cash smiles. He knows who just came in his room but when she peeks her crazy haired head up, he still startles. “She’s done that shit to me twice. If she wasn’t so cute, I’d be scared of her.”

“Her hair cracks me up,” I say trying to tame it down when she crawls on his lap and sits in between us.

“Mine was like that when I was little.” Cash looks at me and then Bentley. “You sure you’re ready for this?”

I shrug, “I’m not sure of much these days but if I am pregnant I’ll be ready with or without Landon.”

Cash tickles Bentley and she squeals. The sound making me smile instead of crying. There is no doubt in my mind that this baby will be my guiding light.

Chapter Seven

December 8, 2013

Landon

It’s been, well, it’s been three years since I’ve stepped foot in Steven’s house. It’s not easy and I doubt it ever will be. I’ve been invited a dozen times but I’ve been able to convince myself not to go.

When I pull up to the house, Josh, Connor and Adam, Steven’s brothers, appear to be there too by the amount of cars in the driveway.

“Shit,” I say to myself as I turn off the truck. I want to leave. No way do I want to be here right now, with them. But I also know if I leave, I’ll never do this and I need to. I can’t keep putting this off.

I walk up the walkway and knock once on the door. Secretly I hope no one answers but I know that’s not true.

Adam answers the door wearing only a pair of gym shorts. “Hey, man,” he greets me.

I meet his eyes, “Hey. You’re mom around?”

Adam opens the door wider for me, “Yeah, she’s in the kitchen.”

When I step in the house all the familiar smells invade my senses. The smell of warm chocolate chip cookies is my favorite.

Adam claps me on the back, “It’s nice to see you around.”

I wipe at my nose needing to distract myself. “Thanks.”

Walking into the kitchen I see Jackie sitting at the table staring off into space. I spot the fresh pot of coffee sitting on the counter. Reaching into the cabinet above the sink I pull out two cups and set them down. I pour coffee into both and add a little sugar and creamer into mine then carry them both over to the table.