Suspect Passions (22 page)

“Lots of strong drink and fast women. You look great, too. As usual.”

Nancy Hyde was chasing women when Regan was still in grade school. They’d never acted on the occasional tug of attraction between them, content instead to appreciate each other. Regan smiled. “You’re just the woman I need to talk to on several levels.”

“One of the things I’ve always loved about you, Regan, is that you get right to the point. I thought being an attorney would squeeze that out of you. Is it work or personal?”

“Both.” She’d never been able to lie to Nancy or even fool her for very long. She was too tired to try either at the moment.

“I’ve ordered a bottle of New Age white wine,” Nancy said. “I know you don’t drink but it’s more like champagne. You’ll have some and keep me company while I solve all your problems.”

Spoken like a wonderfully loving Jewish mother. When Nancy set her mind on something it was hard to stop her. It was one of the things that made her a great attorney.

The waiter came, poured their wine, and hovered while Nancy tasted it. After he filled their glasses, she shooed him away and asked that he not return until their bottle was empty. They should be ready to order by then, she told him.

Without further preamble, Nancy launched into a succinct recap of her life since she’d last seen Regan, then they moved onto the Cabot case. “So you’re ready to leave this cushy government job after only a year because you just won a big case? There’s more to the story.”

“I just need a change. This job isn’t for me.”

“Is it the nice salary you object to, or the substantial perks and benefits?”

Regan regarded her friend with a mixture of admiration and annoyance. The city had gone way over budget when they hired her, including in her contract a sizeable benefits package. “You really have been doing your homework, haven’t you? Then you should know exactly why I need a change.”

“If I had to guess, I’d say it was a woman.” Nancy smoothed her platinum knot with a casual air belied by her intent stare. “Sydney Cabot. Am I close?”

“Too close.”

“You’re going to let another woman run you out of another town?”

The question struck Regan like a splash of ice-cold water. This wasn’t the same thing at all. She’d left her family home because her parents were abusive and her mother was a selfish bitch. She moved from Nashville because Martha was fucking her boss and dumped her. She wanted to get out of High Point because… Dear God, Nancy was right. Her life sounded like a Jerry Springer rerun.

When Regan didn’t answer, Nancy reached across the table and patted her hands. “I’m sorry. That was a little blunt even for me. Darling, you know I’ll hire you tomorrow if that’s what you want. You may need a couple of area-specific courses. That’s easy to do while you work. I’ll coach you through them. But a move won’t solve the real problem, will it?”

Regan sipped the wine Nancy kept pouring into her glass and was starting to feel the effects on her empty stomach. A little light-headedness might be just what she needed to put a different spin on her situation. “I’m not even sure what the real problem is. It’s not like we’ve been in a relationship for years or anything. We’ve only slept together once and—”

“Once?” Nancy shrieked, and heads all around the restaurant turned in their direction. Her vivid green eyes were huge with disbelief. “That must’ve been one hell of a fuck.”

Regan jumped in her chair and jerkily set her wineglass down on the pristine tablecloth. The glass overturned and rolled onto the floor. “It was not a
fuck.
”

The look in Nancy’s eyes changed from startled to concerned. “My God, what has she done to you? Don’t worry, darling. We’ll figure something out.”

A pair of waiters took care of the spill and replaced the table linen. Regan apologized before they drifted away. She caught a scornful glare only from the junior of the two men. No doubt the other guy had seen it all. He replenished her wine with an unruffled air.

Regan left the glass untouched after he walked away. “I’m really sorry, Nancy. I’ve been on edge for weeks now, like I’m crawling out of my skin. She woke up things in me I didn’t even know were there. It sounds stupid.”

“Tell me about her.” Nancy’s eyes were kind and encouraging, with no hint of judgment or disapproval.

“She’s a lot like you, actually. She’s extremely competent in her job, gorgeous, sexy as hell, and sleeps with whomever she wants whenever she wants. Her idea of a good time is sex with no strings.”

“Ouch. I think I’ve just been insulted.”

“I didn’t mean it like that, but the two of you seem to be able to live without intimacy. I can’t imagine life without that connection.”

Nancy stared into her wineglass for several seconds, her eyes glistening with rare emotion. “Have you ever considered that some people experience intimacy through sex, not the other way around? That some women are just wired differently from you?”

As Nancy’s words registered, Regan remembered her night with Syd. It
had
been intimate. Their connection had been real, so did it matter how they arrived at that mutual convergence of feeling? She knew only that when she was with Syd, she felt whole again. She deserved that. Syd wasn’t perfect, but neither was she. Life was full of light and shadow. It took more courage to engage life’s challenges than to cower on the periphery and merely accept whatever happened. If she walked away from Syd without exploring their potential, she’d never forgive herself.

Unsettled by her thoughts, Regan steered the conversation in a new direction. “Are you seeing anyone now?”

“Jean and I are still together, mostly. Apparently she finds enough redeeming qualities in me to keep coming back. She understands that I need flexible fences.”

“Are you faithful to her?”

“When we’re together.”

“Do you love her?”

“Sure, at least by my definition. I’m not certain it would be yours.” Nancy must have sensed Regan’s unease because she quickly added, “And that’s not relevant, since you and I are not in a relationship. Every couple has to define their love for themselves.”

Regan sighed. “She felt connected to me. I’m sure of it. It’s just not possible to experience something that amazing and intense if it’s one-sided.”

In her heart she knew Syd felt their connection. In her head she knew that feeling of connection had driven her away. The note left on the pillow made her intentions clear. Syd had spent a lifetime avoiding commitment and she intended to go on doing so. Regan could accept the evasive maneuvers and walk away, or she could fight for more. Was Syd even capable of doing something different?

Regan took a gulp of her wine. She would never find out if she simply accepted Syd’s terms like all those other women. What did she really have to lose if she chose a different approach? As things stood, she was planning to give Syd and herself no chance at all. Whatever she did, the outcome couldn’t be any worse.

“What do you intend to do, Regan?” Nancy asked.

“I’m going after what I want, finally. I’m not exactly sure how, but I’ll figure it out as I go. Can I have a few days to think about the job?”

“Of course. It’s yours if you want it. Take all the time you need. Unless I hear from you, I’ll assume you’ve decided to stay on and ride this out.” Nancy offered her a menu and a warm smile. “Would you like to order now?”

“If you don’t mind, I need to go home. Thanks for meeting me. You’re a good friend.” She stood and gave Nancy a hug. “If you have a chance while you’re in town go by and visit Izzy. I know she’d love to see you.”

“How’s she doing?”

“Really well, actually. I haven’t been a very good granddaughter lately, with this case and everything else. Another of my many failures.”

Nancy escorted Regan outside the restaurant and slid an arm around her waist. “Don’t be so hard on yourself.” She pulled Regan to her and kissed her gently on both cheeks. “Keep in touch,” she called as Regan crossed the street to her car.

Settling behind the wheel, Regan debated going into the Cop Out. Maybe Syd would still be there and they could talk. A more likely scenario flashed through her mind. Maybe Syd would be in the restroom with another woman and Regan would only make a fool of herself by going there. Women who thought they could change a partner’s behavior usually doomed themselves to disappointment. If Syd chose a different path and a different future, she had to make the decision for herself. All Regan could do was open the door.

With a soft groan, she leaned back in her seat. Syd had already slammed that door closed once. Why would she change her mind?

*

Syd walked away from the Thai restaurant wishing she’d taken a different route home. After avoiding Regan for a month, she’d spotted her sitting at the front table with a gorgeous platinum blonde. The woman wore expensive clothes and gazed at Regan with the hunger of a sexual predator. The look made Syd nauseous. It hadn’t taken Regan long to find someone else.

But why should she care? They’d spent one night having sex. Great sex, but just sex. And Syd was planning to seduce her again to get any residual urges out of her system. So let Regan have a night with another woman. It would be good for her to loosen up a little.

Tough words, she thought as she’d watched the two of them emerge from the restaurant. So why did she feel like someone was standing on her chest? And why did she want to run back and snatch Regan from the clutches of the platinum predator?

She hadn’t waited around to watch them leave together. She didn’t want to picture Regan naked, her head thrown back in ecstasy as she surrendered to the blonde’s expert hands. The thought should have turned her on, but instead it haunted her like an apparition refusing to be exiled. Syd maneuvered an empty beer can away from the curb with her foot and soccer-kicked it all the way home.

Syd contemplated kissing the alarm clock when it beeped to life the next morning. Finally free of her dreams, she threw back her bedding and stalked into the bathroom. The plus side of waking up was that the images of Regan and that blond vixen stopped. On the negative side, she was horny as hell and had to go to work.

After a quick shower and a brisk walk, she was in the lineup room waiting for roll call before anyone else. The potential of losing her job had made it even more precious, so being early was Syd’s token of gratitude. The other squad members started trickling in about two minutes before lineup with the enthusiasm of prisoners on death row. She tried to lighten things up, but they glared at her like she’d volunteered the team for overtime on Christmas.

“What’s up, guys? You should be happy. I’m back to do all the work.”

Harold Simmons, designated squad old-guy, said, “Sounds like you’ve been doing the
homework
too.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

He shrugged. “Why don’t you ask Brady?”

Syd looked around and realized that Gil wasn’t there again. He hadn’t been in lineup for the past few days and she hadn’t heard from him. “Where is he anyway, on leave?”

“Transferred.” The sergeant walked in, catching the end of their conversation. “Fall in.”

“What do you mean transferred?” Syd glanced around at her colleagues. No one would meet her gaze. Then it hit her with a gut-wrenching twist. Priscilla must’ve told Gil.

Her knees felt wobbly. Who could blame the guy for wanting a transfer after that kind of news? He probably never wanted to see her again, much less work with her on a daily basis. And the HPPD grapevine took care of the rest. Now everybody knew about it.

“You’ve been on the job twelve years, Cabot. You know what a damn transfer means. Fall in for inspection.”

The remainder of lineup passed in a flurry of activity that she neither saw nor heard. As she checked her patrol car, Syd thought about the guys she worked with. They were like family. Everyone knew she was a lesbian, never talked about it, but seemed to accept it. They even invited the babe du jour, if there was one, to their cookouts with their wives and children. Now they couldn’t look her in the eye. That’s what happened to anyone who slept with a cop’s wife. Never mind that she didn’t know it at the time, her squad mates thought she was a home wrecker.

Syd felt sick. Technically she deserved whatever she got. It didn’t matter if she was gay or straight. She knew each of these guys well enough to realize their disgust wasn’t about that. She had violated the code of the brotherhood in the most personal way. Their objection was to the offense, not the offender. That fact didn’t make it hurt any less. Just when things were getting back to normal after the trial, another thread from her past had come loose and threatened to unravel her life.

She thought about the decisions she’d made since the shooting, how she’d chosen to bury her feelings in drink and sex time after time without regard for the consequences. The personal and professional ramifications were finally becoming apparent. She’d used women in the most unflattering way and consequently had no real connection with anyone and a considerably lower opinion of herself. The resultant complaints could’ve been detrimental in her trial, but they had at least left an unfavorable blot on her record. She’d hurt people she didn’t know and some she cared about, unknowingly but none the less painfully. Her behavior had probably also caused some of her fellow officers to question her abilities and decisions. The whole denial-and-avoidance scenario had only served to retard her recovery and growth. She needed to face her demons head-on, as she’d done with the women after trial, accept the consequences of her actions, and make smarter choices in the future.