Swan (30 page)

I stared at the dark sky. Thought about the money.
Oh yes, the six million quid that could change my life. All I had to do was say
the word and it would be mine. I could gain all by simply keeping my mouth
shut. And yet ... what was six million quid with no one to share it with? Sure,
it’d buy me a lot of friends, probably even a lot of men, but it wouldn’t be me
they were interested in, would it? No, it would be the money. I’d end up living
like Chet, wondering whether people were genuine. Surrounded by sharks.

The truth was, I didn’t want to go on living without
Chet. He was all I wanted, my heart and soul. The love of my life. I couldn’t
imagine a future without him.

I paused, relishing a sudden cold breeze on my face.
I stared down into the dark rippling water. It would be so easy to jump,
wouldn’t it? Now that I’d had a brief taste of happiness I would be happy to
go. Happy to smother my sadness in a wave of watery oblivion. Even if I never
saw Chet again, at least I could die with a smile on my face. For a short
while, I had allowed myself to believe that I could be happy; that I could live
happily ever after with the man of my dreams. The cynic in me was now back with
vengeance. Happy endings were only make-believe. I saw that now.

I stepped up onto the railing, leaned over, veered
dangerously close to the edge. I blinked in the darkness, looked again at the
water. It seemed to be singing to me, calling out to me.
Jump! Drown your sorrows. Heal the pain.

Pantelli was right. What future was there for Chet
and I? We belonged to different worlds. He wasn’t exactly going to come back
for me was he? I couldn’t exactly see him taking me to one of his Hollywood
film premiers. No, that privilege was reserved for the young and the beautiful;
the wealthy, the popular. The likes of Maria Esposito. Not someone like me.
Never some like me.

I put one foot forward, swung dangerously close to
the water. It wouldn’t take much now. Just a little further ...

‘Maddy, is that you?’

I turned round and stared into a familiar face. A
sweet cherub face with blonde hair, freckles and wide-set eyes. I frowned. I
recognised this person, definitely knew them. It was just the setting I wasn’t
accustomed to.

‘Maddy, it’s me – Alice.’

‘Alice?’

‘From work.’

‘Oh God, sorry. I didn’t recognise you.’ I stepped
down from the railing and stuffed my hands in my coat pockets, suddenly
awkward. I hadn’t expected to bump into someone I knew in the middle of trying
to top myself.

Sod’s Law
, I thought darkly.

Alice smiled warmly at me. Tonight she could have
easily passed for sixteen. ‘So what are you doing round here?’ she asked
innocently.

‘I might ask you the same question. I thought you
lived in Wimbledon?’

‘I do! I’m just on my way back from seeing my gran.
She lives in Poplar. Actually, I grew up round these sides – in Shadwell.
I only moved to Wimbledon last year when my mum remarried.’

I nodded vacantly. I wasn’t really interested in
making small talk with Alice. I had a date with my maker, and she was getting
in the way.

‘So Maddy, where are you off to now?’

‘Home. I only live a couple of streets away. Falcon
Mews.’ My voice was cold, toneless. I bit down on my lip, stared at the
pavement. Why couldn’t she get the hint and shove off?

‘Well, if you’re not doing anything, do you fancy
coming for a quick drink? A mate of mine is picking me up at ten to give me a
lift home, so I’ve got a bit of time to kill till then. Besides, it’ll be nice
to have a proper chat with you, Maddy. We never seem to have time at work, do
we?’

I gritted my teeth. ‘Thanks for the offer but I’m
not really in the mood for socializing.’

‘Oh come on! Please. It’ll be fun. You don’t have to
stay for long. Please, please please! I could do with the company.’ She linked
her arm in mine.

I smiled thinly.

‘Okay, just one drink.’ Perhaps I
could
put my suicide on hold after all.

We went to the George and found ourselves a quiet
table at the back. Actually, I could have sworn it was the exact same one Chet
and I had sat at before the Krav Maga fracas. Alice asked me what I wanted to
drink. I told her a glass of red wine, and reached into my pocket for some
money.

‘Don’t worry Maddy, I’ll get this. Don’t think I’ve
forgotten that I still owe you that twenty quid from before. Tell you what, why
don’t we just get a bottle? It’ll work out cheaper that way.’

‘Yeah, okay.’ I was touched that she’d remembered my
act of kindness from all that time ago.

She ordered us a bottle of house red. I could tell
as soon as we sat down that there was something on her mind. Something she
wanted to talk to me about.

‘This is a really nice pub,’ she grinned, looking
around the rustic decor. ‘Do you come here often?’

‘No, not really. I don’t go out much.’

Alice studied the menu for a second. ‘Do you fancy
getting something to eat? I’m absolutely starving.’

‘No, I’m fine, thanks. I’m not feeling hungry.’

‘Well, I think I’ll get some potato wedges. What’s
the food like here? Have you ever tried it?’

I shrugged my shoulders. ‘It’s okay, I guess. I
haven’t tried the wedges though, so I can’t give you my verdict on them.’

Alice glanced up at me and laughed softly. She
clearly sensed my black mood but didn’t care. She was going to persevere
nonetheless.

When she returned from ordering the wedges, she poured
us both a glass of wine. Abysmal, sour tasting stuff. I longed for the divine
flavour of Dom Perignon.

‘I’ve tasted better,’ she admitted after her second
sip. ‘Oh well, you get what you pay for, I suppose.’

I eyed her shrewdly. I wanted to get this over with
as soon as possible. ‘So how are you? Is the new job all you thought it was
cracked up to be?’

Alice pulled a face. ‘Don’t get me started. I bloody
hate it there, Maddy. They don’t give you any support; they just throw you in
at the deep end and expect you to know everything from scratch. I haven’t had
any management training, and when I asked William for help, he just said I had
to get on with it. He called me a baby, a quitter. To be completely honest with
you, it’s been a nightmare. Everyone hates me, except for you.’ She smiled kindly.
‘You’re the only person that’s ever been nice to me, Maddy. The only one that
made me feel welcome. I’m so grateful to you for that.’

Poor little Alice. I had a feeling she wouldn’t have
been able to hack it.

‘Don’t worry,’ I said, ‘I’m sure things will get
better once you’re settled. People always give new managers a hard time. It’s
nothing personal. They’re just jealous. Give it some time and you’ll be fine.’

‘I wish I could believe that, Maddy, I really do.
But they’re all snakes in there. And that Jaiman – God, he’s such a
conniving little creep. He keeps pointing out my errors to Angela. You know
what he did to me the other

day ...’

I listened to her yapping with a glazed expression.
I saw her as just another person trying to dump their mundane troubles on me.
What did I care about her issues with Jaiman? It was so pathetic. I had way
more important things to think about – like my impending suicide.

Downing the last of my wine, I quickly poured myself
another and watched the dark red reflections shimmering in the glass. Perhaps
if I got tipsy I could psyche myself up enough to go through with it.

‘You finished that quickly, didn’t you?’ Alice
pouted her pulpy lips. She went silent for a moment. ‘Sorry, I’ve been talking
so much; I forgot to ask you how your cold is. Are you feeling any better? I
noticed you sneezing at lunch today.’

‘I’m okay. It’ll pass.’

‘I just thought I’d say, Maddy, you’ve been looking
really good lately. Apart from the cold, I mean. You seem happy in yourself.
Really confidant. You’re positively glowing.’

I laughed sardonically. Well, I wasn’t glowing
anymore, that was for sure. But I was flattered by the compliment. Bless her;
she really was trying hard with me.

‘So, Maddy, what do you do in your free time outside
of work? Are you seeing anyone at the moment?’

I hesitated. ‘Yes, I suppose you could say I was.’

‘What do you mean, “I was?” Aren’t the two of you
together anymore?’

I looked beyond her and focused on the faded coat of
arms on the wall. ‘I don’t know. Men are such strange creatures, aren’t they?
You never really know what’s going on in their heads.’

‘I wouldn’t know,’ she laughed, ‘I’ve never been
with one.’ There was a brief pause. Alice finished her glass and poured herself
another.

‘What about you? Are you seeing anyone?’

She nodded eagerly. ‘Yes, it’s been about six
months. Things are going really well with her.’

With her
?

‘Oh, right, I see.’ I blushed a little. It had never
even occurred to me. ‘That’s good. I hope it lasts.’

I didn’t really feel it was my place to grill Alice
any further about her relationship. More questions would just be an invitation
for her to delve into my own chequered love life and I couldn’t deal with that.
Not right now, anyway. It was still too raw.

Two glasses of wine later, we were both giggling
like little schoolgirls. The alcohol helped to dim my pain somewhat. Drown my
sorrows. Suddenly, life didn’t seem so bad. Little Alice had a warm aura about
her, a playful spirit that was infectious. She’d started to come out of her
shell and I found her to be really quite charming. She had a wicked sense of
humour and wasn’t as prim and proper as I had at first imagined.

‘Did I tell you about the time Angela Towner came on
to me at Candy Bar?’

‘Nooo! Are you serious?’

‘Uh-huh. The first time I bumped into her was during
my second week working at the council. I was celebrating my mate’s birthday in
Heaven, when I saw Angela snogging the face of this old bird. At the time, I
didn’t even know she worked with us. I tell you Maddy, it came as a bit of a
shock when they introduced her as our new Head of Service!’

I cackled wickedly. ‘Did she recognise you?’

‘She pretended not to. Then one morning we’re in the
staff room, and she keeps hovering by my table, pretending to study the kitchen
roster. She asks me if we’ve met before because my face is so familiar. Well, I
didn’t beat around the bush. I told her outright that I’d seen her in Heaven.’

‘Oh my gosh, that must have been so funny.’

‘It was! After that, she was really friendly to me.
She kept saying hello and being really flirtatious. It was hilarious!’

I emptied the last of my glass. The room was
starting to spin. I called the barman over and ordered us another bottle
– this time on me.

‘So what happened at Candy Bar?’ I asked.

‘Well,’ Alice trilled, ‘about a week after that
management job was advertised, I bumped into Angela at Candy Bar. We had a bit
of a chat about work and stuff then she suddenly slips in to the conversation
how much she’d like it if I applied for the job. Basically, she hinted that it
was in the bag if I was willing to do certain things with her.’

I nearly spat out my wine. ‘You’re kidding me! What
a bloody cheek. I hope you told her where to go.’

Alice grew coy. ‘Er, not exactly. I kind of led her
on a bit. I thought I’d see how far a bit of flirting could take me and low and
behold, I got the job. I know a lot of people resent me for it, but that’s
tough.
They
didn’t have to get off
with Angela did they?’

‘No, you never!’

‘It was just one snog Maddy, that’s all. One tiny
little snog to give her a taste. But I’m keeping my distance from her now
though. She keeps inviting me to her house in Ashford, but I’m not going. I
mean, when I first met her, things weren’t as serious between my girl and me.
Now we’re in a fully committed relationship, so there’s no way I’m gonna do
anything like that with Angela again. It would break my girl’s heart.’

‘But how is Angela taking the rejection? I bet she’s
furious she gave you the job now.’

‘Serves the silly cow right. She shouldn’t have
played games. You know Maddy, I could probably do her for sexual harassment, so
she’d better watch it.’

I shook my head disbelievingly. It all sounded so
farcical.

Alice’s phone started to beep. She wrestled it out
of her bag, scanned the caller ID and answered it. ‘Hello, are you here now?
Wicked! I’m just in a pub down the road with my friend. You know the one with
the St George’s flag outside?’ She looked at me. ‘Maddy, do you know where
there’s free parking round here? My girl’s been driving around for ages trying
to find somewhere.’

I racked my brains. Not being a driver myself, I
wasn’t particularly familiar with the status of controlled parking in the area.
‘Er, let me think. Yes, I reckon she could probably find a space behind that
Tesco’s on the high street. My sister parks there sometimes.’