Sweet as Honey (23 page)

Dawdi's attention seemed to slide from Paul in an instant, and he turned to Mammi as if they were the only two people in the room. “I water my pillow every night with fears that Elizabeth will drag our girls to hell with her.”

“He saw fit to take our Salome and then let the courts steal them from us,” Mammi said. “
Gotte
will see that our girls are raised up right.”

Dawdi gazed at his granddaughters. “You know you are always welcome to live with us. You are of age now to decide for yourselves, and we would give you a more godly home.”

Lily sat with her arms folded and her lips pressed together. Dawdi often spoke of his fear for their souls. Mammi had never accepted the fact that Mamm and Dat had left their daughters to Aunt Bitsy in their will.

Lily could not share Mammi's distress. She thanked
Gotte
that she and her sisters had grown up with Aunt Bitsy instead of with their stern and unbending grandparents. Aunt Bitsy's home had been filled with patience and affection. She was fiercely loyal to her girls, and Lily and her sisters were fiercely loyal to Aunt B. She was their rock, and they wouldn't have traded her love for the world.

Poppy pressed her lips together in an amazing show of self-control. It was exhausting to sit and listen to insults being cast at the person Lily and her sisters loved most in the whole world, but defending Aunt B's character only made Dawdi more passionate about their salvation.

“She's colored her hair light blue,” Paul said.

Mammi looked as if she were trying to keep her emotions in check. “I hear tell she's gotten a tattoo.”

Could no one see what a wonderful-
gute
person Aunt Bitsy was? She'd raised three girls on her own, and they'd managed without relying on anyone's charity. All three girls had chosen baptism and could cook and sew and garden and do all the things a
gute
Amish
frau
was expected to do. Did that mean nothing to anyone?

Lily would have at least expected her own boyfriend to acknowledge Aunt Bitsy's accomplishments.

Poppy knew better, but she always felt she had to try. “Dawdi,” she said, “Aunt Bitsy gave up her whole other life to raise us. She is your own daughter. Don't you even love her?”

Dawdi narrowed his eyes in resentment. “No parent loves a child more. If I didn't love her so much, I wouldn't be so fearful for her salvation. She rejected everything I taught her and stabbed me right in the heart.” He shook a crooked finger in Poppy's direction. “You are too much like her, Priscilla.”

“I have often told Lily that Poppy's stubborn streak will get her in hot water one day,” Paul said, still determined to be important in the conversation.

Lily glared at Paul with all the harshness she could muster. Poppy's glare looked no less potent.

Rose, of all people, had the presence of mind to take action before Poppy gave Paul a bloody nose. She stood, grabbed Lily's hand and Poppy's sleeve, and pulled them toward the kitchen. “What help do you need around the house before we go, Mammi?”

Mammi stood to follow them. “
Ach,
so many things. Can you do the floor?”

Paul cleared his throat. “I'm sure Poppy and Rose don't mind staying, but Lily is helping at the market today.” He stood and smiled cheerfully as if he were unaware he had offended all three girls, including his bride-to-be. “Lily and I will be back to pick up the other girls in a couple of hours.”

Even knowing how annoyed Paul would be, Lily couldn't abide the thought of spending another minute with him today. She pasted a smile on her face and made her voice as sweet as one-hundred-percent pure maple syrup. “Paul, I wouldn't dream of leaving my sisters to do all this work by themselves. You go on along, and we'll see you tomorrow at
gmay
.”

Paul studied Lily's face and obviously saw something he didn't like. His eyes tapered into slits, and his bottom lip protruded slightly from his face. He knew he had been dismissed.

Before he could protest, Mammi, oblivious to the brewing quarrel, started gathering up empty ice-cream bowls. “I would appreciate it if all three of you could stay. Poppy can help in the garden, Lily can mop floors, and Rose can bake bread for the fellowship supper after
gmay
tomorrow.”

With the help of his cane, Dawdi stood as well. He patted Paul on the shoulder. “I could truly use Poppy's help in the garden. You can come back to fetch them at three o'clock.”

Lily saw the tantrum brewing behind Paul's eyes, but she knew he wouldn't argue with Dawdi. “Okay then. I will do what I can without Lily's help at the market and come back in two hours.”

“No need,” Lily said, still with that syrupy, sticky sweetness to her voice. “It is a beautiful day. We will walk home.”

“Of all the stuff, Lily,” Paul said, trying to sound cheerful with a mouthful of bitterness. “It's the least I can do for my girlfriend.”

“You're a
gute
man,” Dawdi said.

Paul nodded, some of the tension falling from his face at Dawdi's praise. “I try to be nothing less for Lily.”

Lily thought she should have felt something warm and gooey at Paul's declaration, but she felt nothing but an eagerness for him to be gone.

For the first time since eighth grade, she didn't believe him.

The thought was both shocking and liberating. She buried it deep.

Chapter Twenty

“Oh,
sis yuscht,
” Poppy said under her breath as she turned and looked behind her. “He came after all.”

Lily didn't even glance backward. Not fifteen minutes from home, and Paul had finally caught up to them in his buggy.

Lily and her sisters had decided that they would leave Mammi and Dawdi's half an hour early so they wouldn't be there when Paul came to pick them up. They hoped he'd be discouraged from following them. Lily had underestimated his determination. Or annoyance. She didn't know which had driven him to come so far out of his way.

With added determination, they kept walking even as Paul pulled his buggy beside them on the road. “Lily,” he called out his window. “Lily, why didn't you wait for me?”

It surprised her that Paul actually sounded more hurt than irritated. Maybe he realized he crossed some sort of line at Mammi and Dawdi's.

Lily slackened her steps slightly. Her sisters quickly outpaced her.

Paul kept the buggy even with her. “Lily, look at me. Why won't you even look at me?”

She didn't stop even though she didn't believe he'd give up and head for home.

“Lily, don't you even care about my feelings?”

Lily huffed out a heavy breath. She'd have to give in. The silent treatment was no way to communicate with her boyfriend. She stopped walking and pinned Paul with an I-dare-you-to-make-me-madder glare.

Poppy and Rose turned in unison. “Lily, you don't have to explain anything,” Poppy said. “Just ignore him and come home.”

Lily shook her head. “You go ahead. I'll catch up.”

Poppy's frown deepened. “Don't let him bully you.”

“He can't help the way he is.”

Still frowning, Poppy shrugged in surrender, hooked her arm around Rose's elbow, and kept walking.

Paul secured the reins and climbed out of the buggy. “What do you mean I can't help the way I am?” He placed his hands on his hips and stared in Poppy's direction. “I know Poppy doesn't like me. People often resist correction when they should embrace it.”

Maybe she should have tried to explain things to Paul like she always did, tried to help him understand how much her unconventional family meant to her. She could usually talk him out of his foul mood if she worked hard enough and acted humble enough, but he had stretched her patience today until it had snapped like a rubber band. She wasn't in the mood to appease Paul. She wasn't even in the mood to talk to him.

Without a second glance, she turned on her heel and marched down the road, not even caring if Paul couldn't keep up with her.

“Lily, what are you doing? I had the decency to stop. You could at least have the decency to talk to me.” The exasperation in his voice grew with every step.

She kept up her brisk pace. Paul wouldn't be able to stay up with her. He already breathed heavily.

He reached out and grabbed her elbow. “Of all the stuff, Lily, we can't talk if you run away.”

Lily whirled around and gave Paul a white-hot glare. She had always been the one to make peace. Today, come what may, she would give Paul a piece of her mind. “If you say one more word against Poppy or Aunt Bitsy or my beekeeping outfit, I will run home and lock you out of my house.” She put extra determination in her voice. “And you know I can outrun you for sure and certain.”

Paul raised his hands and took a step back. “Okay, okay. What are you so worked up about all of a sudden?”

Lily almost started walking again. Paul rarely admitted to having faults or being wrong in an argument, but this time, he knew plain as day why she was mad at him. “Why have you set yourself against Aunt Bitsy?”

Paul made a show of innocent surprise. “I am a Christian. I haven't set myself against anybody.”

“You told Dawdi that she has led us astray.”

Paul took the drastic measure of grabbing Lily's hand. She didn't pull away, mostly because he'd truly surprised her this time. He led her to a pasture fence that ran alongside the road and leaned against it. She kept her posture stiff, her hand in his the only indication that she wasn't made out of stone. “Lily, I can't believe you think I am against your aunt.” He put his arm around her shoulders. He could have knocked her over with a feather. “My first concern has always been for you and only you. You have to admit that anyone would have a hard time believing that the bishop approved of the jeans. I had to make sure that your aunt Bitsy hadn't heard him wrong. Now that I know your
dawdi
also talked to the bishop, I can rest assured that you won't be shunned for breaking the
Ordnung
. Anxiety made me bold in speaking. I am sorry if you think I have anything against your aunt.”

Lily pursed her lips. What he said made sense. He had always been concerned for her well-being, but did he understand how much she loved Aunt B? “She took us in, Paul. She didn't have to.”

“And that was a very Christian thing to do.” He pulled her more tightly to him. She didn't resist, but she didn't exactly give in either. “But we all know that your grandparents would have gladly raised you, and they would have been a more fitting choice for the daughters of a minister. Your
mammi
certainly wouldn't think of getting a tattoo on her neck.”

She felt an emptiness at the pit of her stomach as she slowly but forcefully slid out of Paul's grasp. “That's what I'm talking about, Paul. I don't appreciate your constant criticism.”

“I'm trying to help you see that even though you love her, she has many faults. I don't want you to believe that the things she does are acceptable for a
gute frau
.”

Lily nibbled on her bottom lip. She wanted to be a
gute
wife, and Paul knew it. Which one of them was wrong? She hated how he always made her second-guess herself. “You can be concerned about me if you like, but I hope you'll leave my aunt Bitsy out of it.”

Paul sidled close again and took her hand. “You're right, Lily. My only concern is for you.” He cleared his throat. “That's why I think we should get married in September, instead of waiting to finish the house.”

Lily carefully swallowed the lump in her throat before it choked her. “We're not engaged,” she whispered.

Paul drew his brows together. “I just asked, didn't I?”

“
Nae,
you didn't.”

Irritation flashed across his features before he seemed to think better of it. His smile revealed the gap in his two front teeth that Lily had always thought was kind of cute. His grip on her hand nearly cut off her circulation as he tugged her closer. “Well, I'm asking now. Lily, will you marry me?”

Her heart rumbled in her chest like thunder from a looming thunderstorm. Is this what it felt like to be in love? “I . . . I don't know.”

Clearly not the answer he expected. His brows inched closer together. “You don't know? Lily, we've been planning to marry ever since eighth grade.”

Paul had just proposed to her, but she saw Dan's deep brown eyes in her imagination.
Does Paul ever try to make
you
happy? All I want is to see you happy,
he had said.

Questions and doubts irritated Paul to no end, but if they were going to be husband and wife, they would have to learn how to settle their differences. And like it or not, Paul would need to meet her halfway. She pulled her hand from his and folded her arms. “The truth is, Paul, you can't bring yourself to ask for forgiveness. Your proposal feels like a consolation prize for not giving me an apology for speaking badly of Aunt B.”

He looked momentarily confused and permanently annoyed. “Of all the stuff, Lily. I already said I'm sorry.”

“
Nae,
you didn't.”

“Then I'm sorry,” he snapped, taking off his hat and running his fingers through his hair. “For what, I don't know, but I'm sorry.”

It was probably not a
gute
time to insist on sincerity.

She thought about Dan and how giddy she felt when he looked at her. “Paul, do you think I'm pretty?”

His eyebrows had long since met in the middle and were forming a mountain range above his nose. “Shame on you for even asking. It's gross vanity, Lily, and I won't stand for it.”

She felt as irritated with Paul as he seemed to be with her. “Dan Kanagy thinks I'm pretty.” She regretted the words as soon as they left her mouth. Better to absorb the hurt than provoke Paul like this.

The mountain range got taller. “Dan Kanagy? Dan Kanagy?” Paul's voice rose in pitch until soon the dogs would be the only ones to hear him. “Dan Kanagy is feeding your vanity so you'll trust him. Have you forgotten all those cruel names he used to call you? Because I haven't.” He spit them out of his mouth with more venom than Dan ever had. “Amtrak, Coke Bottle, Frog Eyes.”

Lily didn't bat an eye. Since Wednesday, those names didn't hurt her anymore. “Paul, do you love me?”

He practically slammed the hat back onto his head. “Now you're questioning my love? Don't you see what Dan Kanagy has done? He hates me, Lily. He's trying to break us up.”

She'd never considered that, but it seemed a bit farfetched. “You really think so?”

“What possible motive does Dan have to be nice to you but to get back at me?”

Maybe it was because Dan wanted to be her friend, that maybe he liked her a little. Her heart dropped to the ground. This is what Paul thought of her. He couldn't imagine another boy being interested. If she were honest with herself, she couldn't imagine another boy being interested either.

“I stuck by you when no one else did,” Paul said. “I was your friend, the person you told all your secrets to. I didn't care if the other boys hated me. I did it because I love you. I've shown that I'm the only one who loves you.”

He knew exactly what to say to make her doubt herself. Paul had sacrificed friendships and recesses for her. Was that love? She put a hand on Paul's arm before he broke a blood vessel in his neck. “Paul,” she said, sufficiently humbled by her memories. “Everything is happening so fast. I don't mean to be difficult, but I'm confused. Since you and I became friends, I've never made a decision on my own. I don't trust my own judgment.”

As Paul studied her face, his expression relaxed into something softer than the hard lines of frustration. “Then trust mine. This is right, Lily. You and I belong with each other.
Gotte
put us together eight years ago. Who are we to question His plan?”

Lily nodded doubtfully. Paul was so smart about these things. He knew his Bible well. She had always trusted his judgment and heeded his advice. What held her back this time?

Was this Dan Kanagy's doing? Had his flattery led her into temptation? He had certainly planted seeds of doubt.

She pressed her lips into a tight line. What had Dan done but make her feel important, as if he truly valued her opinion, truly valued her as a person? He didn't treat her like a nuisance, even when she disagreed with him, and he didn't act as if he thought everything he did was more important than anything she did. He helped with the bees, even though the hours at their farm took him away from his own chores.

Was it all to get back at Paul? Her hopeful heart wouldn't let her believe it. When he'd chased her to the willow tree, he hadn't been too proud to apologize, hadn't made her feel small or blamed her for misunderstanding him. He'd simply said he was sorry, with real remorse and real pain.

He had painted her barn doors an ugly shade of orange.

In the middle of the night.

Perhaps Dan had planted seeds, but it wasn't his fault that Lily felt as if she were being pulled and stretched like a piece of warm taffy. He'd simply shown her how a boy should treat a girl, and now she didn't want to have to settle for less.

And surely Paul could be more.

Paul narrowed his eyes. “Lily?”

“I need some time to think about it.”

“But if you love me—” Paul sputtered.

“If you love me, you won't push me to make a decision.”

His expression hovered between disgust and doubt, and he clamped his lips shut as if restraining himself from saying something he'd later regret.

It was a very
gute
sign. He could learn to be considerate of her feelings. “If we marry . . . I can't have you speaking against my aunt ever again.”

“When we marry, you'll be out of your
aendi
's house and living in mine. There won't be a need for me to watch to make sure she brings you up right.”

“She and my sisters will still be a big part of my life.”

He smiled vaguely, most likely in an attempt to reassure her. “We will make a decision we both feel satisfied with, for the good of our family.”

“Okay,” she said, not feeling all that reassured.

He patted her hand as if he could see the doubt lingering in the back of her mind. “As head of the household, I know you will trust my judgment and abide by my decisions. That's what it means to love someone better than yourself.”

Confusion tied itself in a knot around her heart. Was that what it meant to truly love someone? In pledging her life to Paul, would she lose herself?

She still had so much to learn about love.