Sweet Savage Heart (34 page)

Rana’s finger teased along his neck and shoulder as she replied, “I too feared the strange feelings that attacked me. Each time you left camp, I prayed for your return. Your face gave joy to my heart and your voice stirred my soul. Lone Wolf was forcing me to join, and I was afraid to refuse. How could I explain that I desired a stranger? I have wanted you and this moment since the first night you came to my brother’s tepee. When I awoke to find you gone, I feared I would not be allowed time to know you. Each time you turned away from me, it confused and pained me deeply, for I did not understand many things. Each time we touched, I knew why I had refused to join to another. In my heart, I was waiting for you, Travis Kincade, and I must have you for my life-circle to be complete and happy. This is as it should be for us.”

Travis leaned forward and sealed her lips with his. They kissed and caressed until the flames of heady desire raged within their minds as well as their bodies. Very gently Travis entered her receptive womanhood, holding her possessively and fusing their lips in that special moment. He hesitated briefly to master his throbbing manhood and to allow her time to adjust to their physical bond. She had not cried out, and he assumed that her active life had allowed her to embrace this moment with little discomfort. He had known that a virgin would experience less pain if the man were gentle and patient, and he had tried to be both.

Softly he whispered, “You are mine now,
micante,
and I am yours. We have become a circle that must remain joined forever.” His body shuddered then with enormous need and from the wonder of her total surrender. His
sexual pleasure had never reached such heights before. He labored lovingly, carefully, until she was matching his rhythm and their bodies were working feverishly as one. Both could feel the heady tension building within and between them, building to a pitch that beat as forcefully as war drums.

Eagerly, rapidly, they climbed passion’s spiral until they swayed sensuously on the precipice of victory, overcoming all doubts and hesitations, then flinging themselves over the edge of control. When her rapturous release came, her mouth and body clung to his, extracting every instant of the glorious experience and telling him to cast his own caution aside. As he seized blissful ecstasy, he murmured against her lips, “You are mine, Wild Wind, forever mine. Let no man or thing come between us. We are one now.”

They lay nestled together on the thin blanket, aglow in the warmth of sated passion. Contentedly they listened to their joyous heartbeats and to the harmonious blending of music sounds created by nocturnal creatures, birds, and insects. Moonlight made its way through the trees into the small clearing and splashed across their entwined bodies. A hint of a breeze tried to rustle the leaves and branches, but they were too supple with new life to comply. The fragrance of wildflowers and the heady smell of pine teased at their noses. Serenity surrounded and pervaded them.

As the night air became cooler, they snuggled closer together, not wanting the moment or their contact to end. But they were in enemy territory and Nathan was sleeping not far away. Though neither felt tired or drowsy, both knew they needed rest and sleep for their journey.

Travis propped himself up on his elbow and gazed down at Rana. He watched how the moonlight gleamed on her shiny hair and was reflected in her entrancing
eyes. His heart fluttered. He wished they could make love all night, but the hour was late and the idea dangerous, especially when he considered his reckless seduction and his rash confessions.

She smiled and asked, “Do you know how rare you are? I am glad you belong to me.” She pulled his head to hers and kissed him.

“I’ve made plenty of mistakes, Rana, but I don’t guess I turned out too badly, did I?” he jested, teasing his fingertips along her spine. He knew it was time they returned to reality, but he dreaded it. There were things he did not want to do or say, things he did not want to face.

“I would trade nothing and no one for you, Travis Kincade.”

He kissed the tip of her nose. “I sure am glad I traded something for you, woman. Do you know how hard it’s been to resist you? Or how hard it will be for us to avoid each other until our lives are settled?”

Rana’s heart was too full of love and happiness to comprehend his last words. A dreamy haze still enveloped her. “I am glad White Eagle defeated Travis Kincade in this battle. We cannot change what is meant to be, and it hurts us and others to try.”

“But sometimes we hurt others if we don’t try,
micante.
Like Nate, when he discovers what happened between us tonight. I’ll have to find the right words to explain our feelings and behavior to him. He trusted me to keep my word to stay clear of you. I have proven myself a man of little honor, a man of weakness.”

She scolded him angrily, “Do not speak such false words! You are not to blame because we could not resist the fires that burned between us. Our Indian souls are bound as one; it was our Indian bodies that yielded. We are not children, and we cannot be forced to reveal our actions and feelings to anyone, including our family.
Speak no evil of yourself. You have more strength and honor than any man I have known. Some things must be held secret; a moment such as we shared is one of those things. If you tell my grandfather, it will spoil it for us. Please, let White Eagle belong to Wild Wind in silence until the moo… day when Rana and Travis can share their secret. Wild Wind and White Eagle are joined and have done nothing wrong. Rana and Travis must find themselves and each other if they wish to share our life-circle.”

Rana loved him, but she did not want Nathan to force Travis to marry her under the white law. She felt it was important that they share this special secret and intimacy, for she hoped it would bind them together in both worlds. She wanted him to learn to love her and trust her above anyone else, including her grandfather. She wanted him to ask her to marry him again, but this time of his own free will, not because of force or guilt. He needed the freedom to decide that he did not want freedom from her.

“Your words are true and wise,
micante
…” Travis began, about to ask her to marry him under the white law. But unwillingly he recalled the many problems and perils he faced, perils that could endanger Rana if he staked his claim on her too soon. He knew he would have to overcome them first; only then could he take her as his wife for a second time. For now, they needed to explore feelings: their own and each other’s. They needed to learn to trust and to share completely. This thing between them was more than physical; it had to be given time and effort so that it could be allowed to flourish. He just wished he felt less guilt over duping Nathan. “I don’t want anything to stain this special moment. For now, it will remain between us. We will allow Travis and Rana to seek themselves and each other, but Wild Wind will always belong to White Eagle alone.”

Rana caught his hesitation and realized that something had stopped him from speaking everything that was in his heart. That aura of mystery surrounded him again, this time arriving unbidden. Though she knew that these new feelings and the situation were difficult for him, she sensed she had won him, and the thought made her smile happily. When the time came—and it would—he would explain everything to her. Until then, she would give him her love and her trust, and she would teach him to do the same with her. There was still so much they had to learn about each other and about the life they would share, she mused as she kissed him hungrily and embraced him. In Oglala, she murmured seductively, “Tonight, I am Wild Wind and you are White Eagle. When
Wi
returns with a new day, we will become Rana and Travis again.”

The following morning, while Nathan was away from camp, Rana stopped her chores to ask Travis in a rush of words, “Were you angry with me because you thought I asked Lone Wolf to force you to marry me? Do you think I used the Elk Dreamer’s love medicine to snare you? Did the wicked tales about Wild Wind cause you to mistrust me?” She had decided it was time for openness and honesty between them, for she knew it was the only way they could grow closer. She had come to understand that it was not enough to love and desire a person; friendship, loyalty, trust, and respect were also vital. She knew this attraction between them was far more than physical. But did he? He seemed slightly withdrawn this morning, a little nervous, even a little guilty and embarrassed. Perhaps it was the reality of a total commitment that frightened him, for he had always appeared so independent. Or perhaps he was overly concerned about Nathan’s reaction to their intimacy. Men viewed such things so differently from women. In the wilderness, life was precious and often too short, and she believed it should be lived to the fullest. She didn’t want him to worry or pull back into himself, for she truly believed they had been made for each other.

Travis looked into the arresting face of the woman who had blinded him to everything except her the night before. It was intimidating to be so enthralled by another person, another power. There were so few people he admired, respected, trusted. If Rana’s feelings and dreams did not match his… He wanted to trust her totally, but he was afraid, for he remembered the defiant, arrogant, disobedient vixen she had been, the kind of woman her mother had been, the kind most women were. And how could she love him and desire him after his deceit, with his half-blooded heritage? How could she, a beautiful, ravishing woman, want nothing from him except his love? He had always lived by his instincts, and they told him now to be wary of this bewitching woman, wary of his hunger and weakness for her. Like her, he needed time to adjust to this complicated situation and to these often alarming and novel emotions he felt. Yet, having realized all this, he still could not force himself to hold back from her completely. He stopped in the midst of saddling the horses to respond. “I wasn’t mad at you, Rana. I know you didn’t have anything to do with Lone Wolf’s joining demand; he made it before you saw him or spoke to him after my arrival. I’m partly worried about the ranch. We’ve been gone a long time. Besides, you have more magic than any Elk Dreamer,
micante,
and it’s driving me crazy trying to keep a cool head.”

Rana smiled. “I know this magic between us is hard for you and we must travel this new path slowly and carefully. We stood beneath the eyes of the Great Spirit and spoke joining words, but the whites say they mean nothing. It is painful and confusing when the head and heart think and feel differently, or when others control your words and feelings. I was raised to accept and to honor Oglala laws and customs, to believe in
Wakan Tanka.
My head hears your white words, but my Oglala heart battles them. It is like saying to the whites the sky is
green and the grass is blue when I have been taught otherwise by the Indians, as have you, White Eagle. For years I was Indian, but now I am white and must yield to the laws and customs that control my new life. You and my grandfather have asked me to make many changes quickly. Have you forgotten how it was when you left the Hunkpapas? Did your heart and life change as soon as you left your mother’s lands? Was it easy and painless for you?”

He responded instantly, “No, it wasn’t easy or painless, Rana. In fact, it hurt like hell and I battled those changes for two years. I didn’t know where I was heading or what I was going to do. If it hadn’t been for your grandfather, I would still be a hostile, bitter loner, drifting from place to place, fighting and rebelling and searching for myself—if I were still alive, that is. I was forced to leave my home; my family was dead. You’re lucky; you’re returning to your home and a family. Just the same, it won’t be easy in the beginning. But you have people who love you and want you, people who’ll help you adjust. At least you won’t be alone in a world you don’t understand, as I was. My past damaged me, Rana. I need time and understanding.”

Travis ran his fingers through his thick sable hair and adjusted his red headband. As he attempted to decide what to tell her about his experiences, his green eyes narrowed and his brows knit, causing tiny lines to form above his nose and creating a misleading frown. He gazed at her, his look direct but uncertain. “There’s so much you don’t know about me, or your new life.” He glanced at the ground, allowed his eyes to dart from side to side, then looked back at her.

As she awaited his reply, her puzzled expression matched his perplexed one. She recalled what Nathan had said about the Hunkpapas “rejecting” him. “You said you were ‘forced’ to travel a path away from your
mother’s lands. Will you explain your strange words? Where did you get the scars on your body? How, Travis?” She could tell he did not want to talk about his past, and probably had not revealed it to anyone but her grandfather. She was pleased he had told her this much and she hoped he would relate even more about himself, though she prayed he was not mourning a lost love. If he could be open and honest, it would mean he wanted her to understand and accept him. Yet his hesitation and tension indicated there were things he was not ready to face.

He sighed heavily. After last night, he owed her an explanation, though it would be hard to lower his guard and be candid. If he allowed her to get too close too quickly, it might impair his judgment. To relax himself, he joked, “I don’t suppose you can think any worse of me than you already do. All right, Rana Michaels, I’ll tell you what happened years ago in the Hunkpapa camp and why I was in such a hurry to get out of the Oglala camp and far away from Lakota lands.”

Rana listened intently as Travis described his troubled past from his birth to his departure from the Hunkpapa village. He did not leave out his father’s treachery or his mother’s death or Pretty Rabbit’s role, or how, after the Hunkpapas’ torture, he had been forced to escape to avoid being executed for crimes he had not committed. His anguish and bitterness were evident to her. He had been betrayed and rejected by everyone and everything he had loved and respected. When he confessed he had been afraid the Hunkpapas would arrive and repeat the false tale to the Oglalas before he could recover her for Nathan—especially during the mix-up with the guns and the morning he had bound her and ridden off rapidly with her—she understood why he had been so aggressive and anxious to get her and Nathan out of that area with all speed. She surmised he had been right, for Indians
rarely forgot or forgave a matter of broken honor. Yet she still sensed he was not telling her everything about his past.