Sweet Seduction Shadow (20 page)

"I wasn't sure," he said quietly, confusing me for a split second. "But there were times when you switched your light on at night, only for a few seconds, as though you needed to see your room, just for a moment, to ensure it was safe, or there, or somethin'. I don't know." He wasn't talking about my meds, he was talking about my dreams. The
Aurorix
accepted, like he accepted everything else about me. "But at those times I felt drawn to you. I wanted to be the one who shone light on your darkness. I wanted to be the thing you reached for in the middle of the night to scare away the nightmares."

I was sure I'd stopped breathing now. To think, all those times I'd woken in a sweat, dreaming of him... he'd been right there with me. He'd been as drawn to me as I had to him.

Even though he didn't truly know me. Even though I didn't know it was him I sensed in the shadows watching me day after day. Even before we knew, we
knew
.

I'd been so tired. So exhausted facing this all on my own. Ben should have been a shadowy threat, and he had been to some degree, but night after night of sensing his nearness, somehow made the threat seem less real. My mind had turned the shadow into my mystery visitor in my dreams.

A visitor I came to trust.

"The more I followed you," Ben admitted in his low, rough voice, "the more I felt compelled to be close to you." He paused, making his next words mean so much more. "You became
my
medication."

He took a deep breath in and then let it out so slowly, as though trying to wash away his sins. I shook my head softly, from side to side. As far as I was concerned, he didn't have any sins that needed cleansing. Ben had been tasked with following me by Detective Pierce. Their reasons were sound. I understood them.

But I also understood Ben.

I understood him completely. Ben and I were cut from the same twisted and battered cloth, we could see right through the disguises we wore, into our very souls. That sort of connection, coupled with my desperate need to have someone else take the burden of survival from me for once and Ben's desperate need to protect me at all costs from the start - unlike he'd been able to protect his baby sister - made us do things that we wouldn't normally have done. It made us reach for the other person, to get closer when we shouldn't have, to lower our guard and let each other in our hearts.

Even before we realised we'd found the person we'd been desperately searching for.

"You're my giant," I whispered, not caring if he understood the reference at all. Ben was the man who would stand between me and the monsters in the world. I was the woman who would do the same for him.

"What does that mean, red?" he asked softly, snuggling in closer still.

"It was always you," I said, my voice catching on the words, my chest rising and falling too quickly for them to come out smoothly. The realisation that Ben Tamati was everything I had been craving, everything I needed in order to face this world I'd run and hid within, was so great, it stole my breath, wrapped around my heart, and squeezed tight.

I didn't mind the feeling at all.

"Even before I knew it was you," I admitted. "It was your scent. It was your shadow. It made me feel safe. It made me feel alive."

"Red," he breathed out, crushing me to his chest, compounding that feeling of my heart being squeezed so tightly. "For as long as you need me, I'm there."

He kissed the side of my head, in amongst my hair. Softly, gently. Like you would a precious treasure.

We held each other silently for a long time, each lost in their own thoughts. Mine were chaotic, but beautiful. The tightness in my chest, being held in his arms, was balanced with the weightlessness of discovery. I'd found him. My protector. My other half.

Sleep eventually claimed me, but not before I heard Ben whisper, "It was always you too, red. Even before I knew it was you."

And the tightness gave way to the sensation of feeling free.

It took until mid morning for Pierce to confirm that Kasey was still alive. The delay in locating her was because she was still tied up in Roan McLaren's world. I hadn't expected that. I had honestly believed she would have gotten out by now. She would have escaped. Or been dead. But Kasey was entrenched in that scene now. Willingly, it seemed. I had to ask myself, if that was a direct result of what Roan did to her. Of what he did to her because of me.

It was not an easy internal debate to have.

The time spent that morning in ASI HQ had been strained and uncomfortable, despite Ben's attempts to soothe and make me feel safe. It was a secure location, but the reason why we were all stuck inside this fortress didn't vacate my mind. Even the closeness I sensed between us, since last night's revelations, couldn't wipe the reality of why we were still here from my head.

And then Pierce returned with news of Kasey.

He didn't meet us in the interview room, but the lunch-room, where most everyone who'd stayed at ASI overnight were having coffee. The grandma from the reception area, Carmel, had set out a spread of surprisingly delicious food. But as soon as Pierce walked in, I couldn't stomach what she'd put on my plate.

Ben's impassive mask slipped, clearly aware of the pressure I was under, the tension this was placing on me. But I deserved it. I deserved everything I felt, because Kasey was still there. Still trapped. And God knows what else Roan had done to her over the years, in order for her not to leave.

The guilt was crushing in its intensity. I wanted to be sick.

Pierce sighed. "It's precarious. To confront her could be disastrous. But we're ready to move on McLaren. Word has it he's left Wellington. Our team has tracked him to Hamilton, where we assume he has based himself, in order to make a move on King. We're closing in now and we expect him to be secured by the end of today."

That was welcome news. For a moment I let Pierce's words settle inside my mind, pushing a bit of the tension and pressure to the back, and allowing me to rejoice in the prospect of an end to all of this. Five years. It had been a long time coming. But Roan McLaren was about to be taken out of my life. Locked away. No longer a dark ominous threat hanging over my head.

Ben's arm around my shoulder squeezed slightly. Letting me know he felt the relief seeping into my frame. It was almost over. I couldn't get my head around it.

So, why did I still feel sick to my stomach?

And then Pierce began talking again, reminding me exactly why I felt so ill still, despite a glimpse of light at the end of that very, very long tunnel I had been stuck in.

"If we move on the woman while McLaren is being secured, we could get her on side before word of his arrest reaches the Compound."

Yeah, that was why I still felt sick. Kasey. And maybe even more girls I had known and walked away from without a backward glance. I wasn't naive enough to think if I had stayed I could have helped them avoid Roan's attention. But guilt is a tricky bed fellow. And I felt guilty, because I got out and they didn't. But it was even worse than that. I felt guilty, because I wasn't there to keep Roan's attention from them, so he would have noticed them instead.

Part of me knew it was useless to feel this guilt. Roan was who he was, I didn't make him that way. But guilt is not a simple thing. It is wretched in its complexity. And just because I understood the fault did not lie with me, did not mean I could avoid the guilt.

"She may not be the only one who needs a helping hand," Pierce added, confirming my fears. "In which case, we could use her to get to the rest of them. The plan is to enact a two-pronged attack. One to arrest McLaren and the other, simultaneously or there about, to rescue those who are unable to rescue themselves."

It was ambitious, but I understood the desire to make the effort. Pierce was singularly focused on the notion of rescuing Kasey and anyone else who may require it. His conversation with Ben in the interview room made so much more sense. This was what he did. What made him tick. He was a modern day knight in shining armour, but he didn't ride a horse or wield a sword. He drove a nondescript car and flashed a police badge instead. That didn't make him any less noble in my eyes.

"The thing is," Pierce said, shifting uneasily in his chair, which made Ben stiffen at my side. I was just curious and weary, but anticipation of the end was keeping me buoyed. "My guys tried to approach her and it was clear before they completed the meet that she would run. We think she's likely to run right back to McLaren. There's a chance they have a signal, when the shit hits the fan. If she's been trained to hit it, she might let McLaren know something is going down, before we have a chance to arrest him."

"Then wait until he's arrested before you move on his associates in the Compound," Ben said steadily.

"We have some concerns," Pierce interjected. "It's the women and children. If we wait for McLaren to be arrested, then they could get caught in the crossfire when we move on the Compound. A signal his end could mean disaster for those unable to get themselves out."

Everyone who was present had remained silent throughout Pierce's brief, but they had certainly all been listening keenly.

"It's a catch 22," Pierce added. "We make a move and startle her, she lets McLaren know. We wait until McLaren is secured, a trigger is set and the Compound implodes. It's happened before. Collateral damage when taking down a target as high profile as Roan McLaren is."

There was that phrase again. Collateral damage. Kasey was the collateral damage to my father defying Roan McLaren and protecting me. Not that I would have wanted my side of that situation to have gone any differently, but Kasey had suffered - and for more than just that one time, I was betting - because of how we had acted. I refused Roan, Dad refused to hand me over. Kasey was hurt.

I quietly placed the plate of food I'd barely touched on a table to the side and leaned forward in my seat to stare at the ground. I think part of the position was to help stop the nausea from creeping up my throat. I hated this. This wait for it to be over. If I could have done something to keep active, to keep my mind - and stomach - off what was about to happen, I would have.

A large, warm hand came to rest on my back and a slow circle began as Ben rubbed gently, trying to ease my mind. And stomach. And heart. I really didn't have it in me right then to feel grateful. I just wanted this to be over, once and for all.

Pierce cleared his throat, but I didn't look up from the linoleum covered floor.

"We have a plan, that might make it go smoother," he said slowly.

"No," Ben replied, voice low and threatening. I did glance up at that. Ben's dark eyes were narrowed on the detective's. I wouldn't have wanted to be the one receiving that threatening stare.

"Ben," Pierce started, "she would be well protected. I'd be there myself to ensure it."

I sat upright and turned my gaze to Pierce.

"You have a fuckin' cheek," Ben said, through gritted teeth beside me. "You know that, don't you?"

Pierce held Ben's glare with a steady gaze of his own.

"People's lives are at risk," he pointed out evenly.

"And you think that is justifiable cause to risk Abi's," Ben growled.

The room shifted. Either the rest of the people watching hadn't put two and two together as quickly as Ben did. Or they saw something right then that put them on alert. I didn't know, I was still hung up on the fact that Pierce wanted me to help. To do something. To be active. And in the process maybe pay back some of the debt I'd accumulated in guilt.

"The woman may not run if she sees Abi," Pierce pushed.

"Or she may see it for the trap it is, as Abi has been missing from that place for five...
whole
...
fuckin
'...
years
." Ben's words were drawn out to emphasise how bad an idea he thought this was.

"Better Abi, than a stranger who means nothing to her. She's our key to finding out how many women and children are going to be at risk. To even getting them out in time to avoid the inevitable that arresting McLaren will cause."

"No," Ben said succinctly.

"Ben," Pierce said sounding exasperated. "You are not her keeper. She has a right to do this. If anyone has a right to get back at McLaren, Abi does."

Huh. Pierce knew. He knew how much guilt I felt. He knew what helping now would mean to me. I was about to speak, but Ben beat me to it.

"What has her father told you about the make-up of those left at the Compound? Surely he's given you a run down on how many people are at risk."

"He did," Pierce replied steadily. "But he's been out for two months and anything could have happened within that time frame."

"Bullshit!" Ben spat back. "You would've kept a close eye on the comings and goings of that place. You would've seen who got out and who was left behind. You don't need Abi."

"We could have missed something. It could mean the loss of an innocent life. Can you live with that? Because I sure as hell can't."

Ben's arm had moved from my back some time ago and now both his hands rested on his thighs, fists clenched.

"No," he said, but there was more a pleading tone to his voice now, than outright defiance.

Pierce looked at him for a long moment and then turned those keen brown eyes on me.

"Abi?" he asked. "Do you want to help the investigation further?"

I didn't need to look at Ben to know he was a statue, about to crack and crumble if I said what I wanted to say to Pierce. It would have been so easy to jump on the opportunity to do something, anything, to help get those I'd left behind out. I needed to do this. I wanted to do this.

But Ben was a fragile piece of stonework beside me I simply couldn't ignore.

I'd made decisions in the past all for me, that had desperate consequences for those people around me. I ran and hid for so many years, leaving my father to deal with Roan's wrath. What had he suffered in that time? And when I ran others suffered too. I couldn't have stayed, I'm not saying that. To stay would have been to die slowly and painfully at Roan's hands. But there were consequences to what I chose to do all-the-same.

Dad and I could have gone a different route; to the cops instead of running. Maybe we wouldn't have had enough to get Roan arrested, but maybe we would have. I really don't know. All I know is we were both scared and the real possibility of approaching a bent cop made running more appealing than staying to fight Roan through the law.

Now, we had a cop - and by the looks of it, a few cops on this taskforce - who weren't under Roan McLaren's thumb. Now I could do the right thing. Stay and fight.

But that didn't mean the decision to do so wouldn't have consequences for those around me.

I didn't have an answer. On the one hand, I was weighed down with guilt. On the other, I was certain if I chose to do this, something between Ben and I would break. I guess, what it boiled down to was, could I live with myself if I did nothing, just for the sake of keeping Ben Tamati in my life?

Shit.

I couldn't open my mouth to speak. I couldn't say a word one way or the other. I was in complete and utter stasis, waiting for my heart to catch up with my conscience and make the right decision.

"I think Abi needs a moment," Nick announced, obviously giving a signal or some such thing that made the room disperse. Plates clattered as they got stacked haphazardly on the table. Feet shuffled as the entire ASI staff on site scattered out the door and down the hallway. Within minutes it was just Pierce, Ben and me left in the room. Even the door had been shut.

I had expected Pierce to go too and I really needed him to. I couldn't think clearly with him watching me so intently, eagerly awaiting for me to offer up myself to his cause. He thought he knew me. He thought he had me sussed. And from what he had seen of me so far, I understood why he thought that. I just wasn't myself right now. For once in my life I was putting someone else's wellbeing first.

Which is ironic, because aiding Pierce and the taskforce assigned to capture Roan McLaren, would have been putting someone else's wellbeing first. Just not someone I loved.

And man, didn't that thought blow the lid off my barely in control mental state.

"Um," I said, forcing myself to face Pierce at last. "Can you give me a few minutes alone with Ben, please?"

Pierce looked uncertain, but I held his gaze patiently, not backing down or saying another word. Finally, he nodded, stood up and quietly left the room.

"You want to do this," Ben said in a flat voice. I winced at his lifeless tone.

But I couldn't lie. "Yes," I replied and watched that mask slip back into place. The shadow man had returned, hiding in plain sight, hiding what he felt from the world, letting them see only a disguise.

But I could see through it as easily as, I was sure, he could see through my hide too.

I got up off my chair and walked around the front of him, then crouched down to look up into his face. My hands rested on each of his knees, my head tipped backwards to see clearly into those stunning granite-chipped eyes.