Sweet Surrender (19 page)

“Ok.” Looking out the window, she began, “Well my parents were never married. I have a sister younger than me and a gorgeous nephew that I love dearly.”

“Tell me about your parents, ” Dr. Clark urged.

“Umm, I lost my mum when I was eleven years old, to cancer. She was my everything. It didn’t really hit me that she was gone, straight away. I remember the last Christmas we had with her; it was really great. We got so much that year from Santa, but I knew it was going to be the last with her.”

Breathing in slowly, she continued, “I was woken one morning by the sound of my father’s fist going through the wall, and when I went out to find out what was going on, I knew then that my mother was gone.”

“How did you feel at the news of her death?”

“I was upset...hurt...like I lost a part of me, inside, but it never really sunk in, if you know what I mean?” Louise nodded. “That morning we went up to say out goodbyes at the hospital, even seeing her looking peaceful on the bed, I still really didn’t believe it. She looked happy, lying there. The only thing I could do was curl up on the bed with her and wrap her arm around me, like she used to when she used to put myself and my sister to bed.” A tear, slid down her cheek, and she wiped it with her thumb. “When we arrived at the funeral, we rode in my uncle’s car, one he promised to give me when I was old enough to drive.” she laughed. “Dad had an open coffin for her, but had it closed when myself and my sister arrived, not wanting to scare us. My sister freaked out at the hospital and at the funeral, not wanting to go near where our mother was.” She smiled sadly.

“Anyways, it was several weeks after that before I lost it. We had family staying with us, and I don’t know what triggered it, but I lost it completely. I never slept or ate, didn’t go to school for several months—nothing. Then out of nowhere, it stopped. My father met someone new after that and she tried to take over as a mother figure, but I never accepted it.” She could not talk about it anymore. It still hurt to this day speaking about her mother, and she had been gone for nineteen years.

“After that, I didn’t get along with my father, didn’t like his new partner or her children. So, I kept to myself. All I did was go to school, work and swim. Eventually, my father started hitting me for the smallest things; even if my sister did something, I was the one to get hit. It got so bad that one night, my father accused me of stealing from a roommate that we had, and I explained that it wasn’t me. I was never home long enough to do anything besides sleep. I was black and blue on the left side of my face, I couldn’t even see out of my left eye, my arm was bruised and so were my ribs. He dragged me that night to our swimming club and I just sat there. He threatened me that if anyone came up and asked what had happened I was to tell them that I was hit in the face by a cricket ball. No one believed me. The bruisers were everywhere, no way could I hide them wearing a swimming costume. He hadn’t really thought it through. Everyone knew what had happened, but no one reported anything. It went on for a couple of years until I turned 16. My father went to hit me one day, can’t remember what for, and I had enough of being treated like that, so I fought back. He was shocked that I had managed to knock him the ground; well in fact, he should have expected it, since he was the one who taught me to fight. ” She had told anyone about what her father had done to her. It was over now. She had no contact with him whatsoever.

“It great to get things off your chest, Skylar. We can talk more about that later. Tell me about what happened before you moved up here?”

“I was living in Bondi with my boyfriend and a mutual friend. I worked at Crush designs as an interior designer and loved it. I had been seeing my boyfriend for several months and everything was great, till one night,” she whispered. This was the hard part, revisiting everything that happened.

“What happened on that night, Skylar?”

“Lucas he been acting really weird for several days, and that night he came into our room, slightly drunk. To me he was normal in a way, but not. We started to get pretty heavy, and as he was going down on me our bedroom door opened. I really couldn’t see much but could make out two shadows in our room. I told Lucas, and as he sat up, he told me, ‘I want to watch you have them.’ I couldn’t believe what he was saying. I said no, it wasn’t anything that I was into. I tried to get away from him....” This was so hard, thinking back to that night, but the worst was to come.

“Remember the breathing technique I taught you, Skylar. Use it. In and out, slowly. You are perfectly safe where you are, no one is going to harm you.”

Closing her eyes, she breathed through it, counting to twenty.

“What happened after that?”

“As I was trying to get away, he stopped me from leaving our room. Throwing me on our bed, as the two other guys came closer, and I lost it. I lashed out at all three of them and ran to the door. Just as I opened it, Lucas hit me and I fell to the floor. All of them started kicking and punching me wherever they could. I couldn’t move, and they just laughed at me. After a while, someone picked me up and placed me on the bed. Lucas stood to the side as one of the other men moved above me. I couldn’t do anything, my body was weak at what they had done, and I just gave up. They were stronger than I was. Before the guy could slide inside of me, the door flew open. My eyes wouldn’t open, but I could hear yelling, them moaning, and then everything went quite. I thought I died.”

When she was deciding whether to talk to someone about her past and present, it never seemed it would be this hard to speak to some complete stranger about her life. She thought it would be so easy to do, but she was wrong on that.  She had searched the web for videos about sessions between a client and their therapist. She felt for everyone that she had watched, and now she understood completely how they felt, telling someone.

“Skylar, you don’t have to continue if it’s too upsetting.”

“No, I need to get this out.”

“Ok, take your time,” Louise told her.

“Someone lifted me from the bed and walked towards the door, but abruptly stopped. When I opened my eyes, our flatmate James had me, and Lucas was stopping him from leaving. They argued, fought, and as Lucas was coming for me again, James knocked him out cold. He told me to run, get in my car and go someplace safe. I never hesitated. I took off and drove around for an hour or so and found a motel.”

‘What happened after you arrived?”

“After paying for a room for the night, I walked in and sat there, on the bed. That’s all I did. I have no clue how long I sat there for when there was a knock on the door. I was so scared that Lucas had followed me to finish what he started. As I peeked out of the window, I was shocked to see my best friend standing at my door.”

“You’re doing really well, Skylar.” She smiled towards her.

“She told me she had followed me from my house. When she saw me, she asked what had happened. I lied to her.”

“How did you lie to her, Skylar?”

“She asked how I had got all the marks all over my body, where the blood came from, why I was walking funny and why I spoke so softly. I told her I got into a bar fight, with another girl.” She shook her head. “She didn’t believe me. We have known each other since we were five years old. Knew everything about one another and we knew when the other was lying. Eventually, I told her what happened; that Lucas beat me up and James came to the rescue. I didn’t tell her that he and his friends tried to rape me.”

“How did you feel after that happened?”

She stood up and walked over towards the window. “I closed myself off to everyone, besides Chantal, Craig and Alex. Chantal was the only one that knew what actually had happened. I couldn’t tell Craig or Alex. I never went anywhere by myself; I didn’t feel safe. I always had someone go with me, everywhere. I was so paranoid that someone was following me, but every time I turned around no one was there. Eventually, Chantal and Craig went and grabbed all my belongings and I moved up here to Westmont, closer to Chantal.”

“I got a loan to purchase my first house and started a new job, working for a friend I went to school with. I absolutely love it. I can choose the hours that I work, having free time for myself to do what I want.” Looking back at the Doctor, she stated, “When I moved into my home, that is when I met Nathaniel Jackson.”

“Tell me about Mr. Jackson?”

She couldn’t help the grin that crossed over her face, and placed a hand over her belly. “He would love that you called him that.” She giggled. “When I first met him, I was scared. He is so big, sexy as hell, but really big. I felt attracted to him straight away, but it was kind of new to me, in a way. I never had feelings like I had for Nate with anyone else. After what Lucas nearly did, I never dated; I hadn’t had sex with anyone since him. It had been two years. When I moved up here, I lived with Craig and Chantal. I decided to get my own place after a while. I didn’t want to keep living like that, so I moved. Nate tried to talk to me, but I pushed him away. My feelings for him came out of nowhere, I didn’t understand them, or why I was having them for a guy I had just met.” Moving back to her chair, she sat down. “I would watch him over in his yard, as he worked on the cars. He would always smile and wave, or come over and start up a conversation, but I always cut it short. I could never figure out why he was talking to me. Someone like him would never be interested in someone like me.”

“Skylar, you are a young beautiful woman. Any male would want to be with you.”

“Thank you. I accepted his date one night. I couldn’t help it anymore. I wanted him, and had never wanted someone so bad. He was really sweet all the time towards me. And I caved. On our date, I did something I never, ever did.” She blushed.

“As the date came to the end, he told me a bit about himself, and I did the same. I felt safe with him and that is really hard to explain. I told him about what Lucas did. I have never been open like that to anyone but Chantal. My sister didn’t even know at that point.”

“How is your relationship with Mr. Jackson?”

“At the beginning it was great, but it started to go downhill from there.”

“Can you explain that better for me, Skylar?”

“I have trust issues, big ones. I don’t like liars or being cheated on. Nate did that to me. We had a fight, he slept with someone. He thought I was with someone while we were together. I walked in on them in the act, with his friend Dom and Craig. Anyways, he tried to explain to me what had happened. I forgave him. That was my first mistake. We were going good until the night I found out I was pregnant. His ex-came back, saying that they had a child, which she had kept from him. I went over that night to tell him the good news and heard what they were talking about. She wanted to be a family if it was his child. I couldn’t tell him after that, so I made an appointment to have an abortion. That was the hardest decision I had ever made. I don’t believe in abortions, but I couldn’t raise our child knowing he had a family already. When I went down south for the appointment, I kept passing out and throwing up from the pregnancy, but decided I couldn’t go through with it. Nate showed up, asking why I was down there. After we had sex, he told me about his son, which as it turned out, wasn’t his. I never believed what he was saying, and told him I needed time to myself, so he left my room.”

“How did he feel about the news about the pregnancy?”

“I couldn’t tell him,” she whispered. She knew that day she should have, but didn’t.

‘Why didn’t you tell him?”

“I was angry at him for finding me and telling me about his son not being his. I didn’t believe him.”

“Ok. What happened after he left the room?”

“I was so upset with myself that I had not listened to what he told me. I sat under the shower, wishing that I never screamed at him to leave. When I got out, someone knocked on the door. I was so sorry and happy that he had come back, but when I opened the door hoping to see Nate, Lucas was standing there.” Everything that she had spoken about so far was a lot easier than what she was about to say.

“What was Lucas doing there, at your room?”

“I thought I was dreaming that he was standing there right in front of me. He had been having me followed ever since I left him. He had two friends with him. I tried to get away from him, I really did. I fought them all; I did everything I could possibly do.” She sobbed.

“Skylar, look at me. You’re safe. He won’t hurt you again.”

Looking over at her, she calmed her breathing as best she could. “I was injured from their attack in the room; I hit the wall so hard that it knocked me out, and they kidnapped me. I woke up some time later as one of the men was carrying me through a house.”

“Where was Nate when this happened?”

“I thought he had left. I told him I needed time to process everything.” She shook her head. “I knew what was going to happen when we arrived into the room. I hurt one of them but it never stopped him or the others. His friends tied me to a bed and raped me. I screamed for Nate to help me. I also said I was pregnant. None of them listened. Lucas sat there and watched the whole thing happen. The last thing I remember was that the two guys moved me and tied me to above the fireplace...after that, nothing. I woke up in the hospital. I’ve been having nightmares about that night since.” Her warm tears streamed down her face. Louise handed a box of tissues to her. “Thank you,” she whispered.

“I blame myself for everything that has happened, especially between me and Nate.”

“Skylar, you will feel all kinds of things: guilt, anger, fear, anxiety, betrayed trust, depression. Of course, even your relationship will feel the strain of what happened. However, the blame is not on you. It was not your fault.” The doctor glanced towards the clock. “Since our time has come to an end, I would like to see you once a week. I think it would be best if Nate attends with you, not to every session, but we will discuss that later. As to the nightmares, that is all they are. No one is going to hurt you
through
them. I suggest using “touch” to ground yourself. Your shirt, a chair, grass or anything that can give you a substance and texture to focus on. This will stop feelings of pain when your thoughts or feelings have been triggered.”