Sweet Temptation (38 page)

He stared at me, disbelieving, then his mouth twisted into a sneer. ‘You
what
?’ he said, in that deadly-soft way he had. Uh-oh. I knew that tone of voice, and it spelled trouble.

Deep breath, Jess. Don’t let him scare you.

‘I don’t think we make each other happy any more,’ I said haltingly. ‘It’s over.’

My heart was galloping so fast, it was painful. I wished I had my dad close by, someone on my side to put his arm around me, protect me from the fury that was bristling all over Charlie like an electric charge.

His eyes narrowed and he took a step closer. I tried not to flinch.

‘What, so
you’re
finishing with
me
?’ he said, and laughed, a horrible contemptuous laugh. ‘You’ve got to be kidding. You think you’re too good for me, all of a sudden, is that it?’ The scorn rang from his voice. ‘Don’t make me laugh. Don’t make me fucking
laugh
.’

I said nothing. Fear gripped me, and I felt really scared of him, really scared of what was going to happen.

‘You make me sick,’ he said. ‘You’re pathetic. Do you really think that you can say . . . ?’ A strange look flickered across his face and then he turned on me. ‘Oh, I get it,’ he spat. ‘Dropping your knickers for someone else, are you? Ahhh, that’s what this is all about. I should have known. You slut. Who is it, then, this new bloke? What’s his name?’

I shook my head. ‘You’ve got it wrong,’ I said quietly. I could feel my confidence deserting me. I was beginning to wish I’d never started this now. Wished I’d had his tea on the table instead of hatching my mad plots to leave. Who was I trying to kid? It wasn’t going to work. All that would happen was that he’d be even angrier than usual. He’d explode.

‘Oh, have I now? Wrong? I don’t think so.’ Flecks of spit were shooting from his mouth as he spoke, his body was taut with rage. ‘You’re the one who’s wrong. Thinking you can slag it about behind my back and—’

Something strange happened then. From out of nowhere, this anger boiled up in me at the way he said ‘slag’.
How
dare he
, I thought.
How dare he accuse me of that, when I’ve been the most loyal, the most tolerant, the most loving girlfriend he could ever
have wanted.
And then, before I knew it, the words were pouring out.

‘Just a minute,’ I snapped. ‘You can stop right there. I haven’t been seeing anyone behind your back, actually. This is not about me being unfaithful to you – because I
haven’t
been, and never would have been, either. Never. I’m not like that, and you of all people should know it.’

To my surprise he was silenced by my outburst. Emboldened, I went on.

‘This is about
you
, and the way you’ve treated me. You’ve bullied me, you’ve insulted me, you’ve pushed me around for too long – and do you know what? I’ve had enough. Nobody else treats me like that, and I’m not putting up with it from you any more. I deserve better. So . . . so goodbye, Charlie. I’m leaving now.’

I made a move to walk past him, and a second went by while he just stared at me. Then he grabbed my hand – not in a bruising, aggressive way, more in shock.

‘Wait! Jess – you can’t just go like that!’

I felt like a bitch – he seemed genuinely alarmed – but I removed my fingers from his grasp. ‘I can,’ I said. ‘You just watch me go.’

‘But . . . But . . . what about me?’ he cried. His voice was pleading, his expression stricken, and for the first time ever in the entire history of our relationship, I felt as if I had the upper hand. Whoa. Head-rush. ‘What about . . . what about the wedding?’ he said, almost desperately.

There was a flicker – just a flicker – of pity inside me at the look on his face, but I had a sudden vision of Shelley and the others rallying behind me.
Don’t take any shit
from him! Don’t back down now!

I shook my head, extinguishing the pity, and steeled myself against him.

‘There’s not going to
be
any wedding, Charlie,’ I said quietly, then looked him square in the eye. ‘It’s over, okay?’

The moment I was past him and heading for the door, he turned again, this time from nice guy back into the bully.

‘Well, fuck you, then,’ he yelled. ‘You’ll never get anyone as good as me. You’re nothing without me, Jess. Nothing – just a fat, ugly loser. And I never loved you either, you know. Never. And you’re crap in bed. Boring as hell. And—’

I slammed the front door behind me, cringing at his words.
Don’t listen. Ignore him. Just trying to hurt you, as usual.

Well, I refuse to let you hurt me any more, I said under my breath. Say what you like, mate. I’m not listening.

Then I got into my car and drove away. I’d done it. I had bloody done it. I was free.

‘Oh my
God
! Good for you, girl! I’m so proud of you!’

Maddie threw her arms around me as soon as I’d finished telling her and Lauren about it. It was a Monday night and we were in the Feathers for our usual drink, and for once I wasn’t clock-watching and worrying about dashing back to Charlie.

‘I never thought he sounded good enough for you,’ she said, then flushed. ‘Sorry. Completely tactless way to react, but . . . you deserve better than him, Jess, you truly do.’

‘I’ll second that,’ Lauren said, hugging me as well. ‘Jess, that must have taken real guts. You’re a legend – well done. And if you need somewhere to stay, just say the word. You’re welcome at mine any time.’

‘Well, I’ve gone and got myself a flat, actually,’ I said, blushing at how dynamic and go-getting I sounded all of a sudden (me!). I explained about my new place. ‘I mean, it needs some work, and I haven’t actually got any furniture – I left it all at Charlie’s, so I’m camping out a bit at the moment – but—’

Maddie grabbed my hand. ‘Jess – I’ve got
loads
of stuff you can have,’ she interrupted. ‘I’ve been clearing out Mum’s house. There are all sorts of things you can take – kitchen stuff, furniture, her telly . . .’ She was beaming. ‘I’d much rather give it to you than pack it all off to the charity shop.’

I gaped, startled at her generosity. ‘Are you sure? Maddie, that’s very kind but—’

‘Absolutely sure,’ she said. ‘Honestly, Jess. I’ve taken a few special things but I don’t need the rest.’ She smiled. ‘I’d like it to go to you. And she would like that too. Let’s sort out a time when you can come round and help yourself.’

I kept saying, ‘Really?’ and she kept saying ‘Yes!’ until I was finally able to believe it.

‘You are so kind,’ I said. ‘You really are. Thank you.’

Lauren went to the bar while we made arrangements, and came back with a bottle of cava and three champagne flutes.

‘Look, I know Alison would have a fit if she could see this but, girls, we’ve totally earned it,’ she said. ‘We’ve weathered all sorts of storms between us, and we’ve come out fighting time and again. Go, us!’

‘Yay!’ I laughed. ‘Go, us!’

She winked and popped the cork. ‘Anyway, we’re all doing so well with our diets, I think we’re due a treat,’ she went on. ‘I’m actually thinking of stopping going to Fat-Busters now. I’m down to my target weight thanks to all the salsa dancing and being arsed to cook for myself rather than scoff takeaways 24/7. Besides . . . a bit of what you fancy does you good, right?’

‘Right,’ Maddie and I chorused.

I’d lost loads of weight too. In fact, the size fourteen beautician’s top I’d bought was already too big. Me, tubby Jess, a size twelve! It was unbelievable, something I would have killed for a year ago. The funny thing was, it didn’t seem the be-all-and-end-all now, being able to fit into nice jeans and clingy tops, though I did feel much more confident. But surely that was down to the security of good friendships and the satisfaction of running my own business, rather than what the scales said? Maybe that was where I’d been going wrong all along – blaming my fat bum for my misery rather than facing up to my life.

I blinked, wondering where all this deep thinking was coming from.

‘I guess I could stop going to FatBusters too,’ I said, realizing that I’d had all the pep talks from Alison that I needed. I had learned that salsa dancing and eating healthily kept me at a good weight. I’d also realized that all my binge-eating had been driven by despair and loneliness when I’d felt insecure and crap about myself. I didn’t feel like that any more. Not now I’d given Charlie the old heave-ho.

‘Mind you,’ I went on, thinking it through, ‘I’d miss our Monday night chats here in the Feathers every week. I look forward to that bit more than the weigh-in and Alison’s inspirational stuff.’

‘Well, we can still meet up,’ Maddie pointed out. ‘We could have our own mini-FatBusters, just the three of us. I think we’re all pretty good at encouraging one another and urging each other on. And we could even set ourselves challenges – fitness things, I mean.’

‘Sounds scary,’ Lauren said, passing round the glasses of bubbly. ‘What sort of challenges? Cheers, everyone, by the way.’

‘Cheers,’ Maddie and I echoed.

‘To us three, and all our successes,’ I added, feeling light-headed with optimism.

‘Um . . . well, I haven’t totally made up my mind about this challenge yet,’ Maddie said in answer to Lauren, ‘but I’m wondering about trying the Race for Life, a five-kilometre run, this summer, in memory of my mum.’ She pulled a face. ‘Well . . . I
was
feeling quite up for it, but I’m not so certain any more.’ She hesitated as if she’d been about to explain but had then changed her mind.

‘I’ll run it with you,’ I blurted out, assuming that she’d just got cold feet about the idea. The cava had gone straight to my head and I was filled with a mad exuberance and a rush of can-do feelings. ‘Your mum was always so lovely to me. I’d be up for it.’ Then I clapped a hand over my mouth in shock. ‘I can’t believe I just said that,’ I confessed. ‘I haven’t done any running since I left school.’

‘I’ll give it a shot, too,’ Lauren said. ‘Although I’ll be the slowest one in the whole flipping race, of course. But . . .’ She smiled. ‘It would be a cool thing to do, the three of us, wouldn’t it? FatBusters against the world!’

Maddie’s mouth seemed pinched, as if she was trying to smile back at us but couldn’t quite get there. ‘Cheers,’ she said. ‘But . . .’

Lauren didn’t seem to notice the hesitation that was still apparent on Maddie’s face. ‘That’s settled, then. Race for Life, here we come!’

It wasn’t until later in the week that I found out what had been troubling Maddie. When I went with her to her mum’s old house to pick up some stuff, she told me what had happened: how she’d discovered these letters she’d never known about from her dad, and how angry it had made her feel towards her mum.

‘It’s really shocked me,’ she said as we sat at the beautifully polished dining table with a coffee each. ‘It’s made me wonder what other secrets she had, what else she kept from me.’ She rubbed her eyes miserably. ‘You know, she was the one constant in my life. The person I trusted, more than anyone else in the world, to have my best interests at heart. And then to find out this . . .’ She shook her head. ‘It’s really pulled the rug from under my feet. And that’s why I was having second thoughts about doing the Race for Life. Because I feel so angry with her! Why should I put in hours of training – because, let’s face it, that’s what it’ll take – why should I bother doing
anything
in her memory now that I’ve found out she told me all those lies and deliberately cut me off from Dad?’

‘Oh God,’ I said, feeling wretched for her. I knew how much she’d idolized her mum. ‘That’s awful. That must have really knocked you for six.’ I bit my lip, trying to think of something comforting to say, but it was tricky when I felt stunned by the revelation too. ‘So how do you feel about your dad now?’ I said finally.

She gave a wry smile. ‘Well, that’s the happy ending, at least,’ she said. ‘I phoned him up – his number was on all the letters he sent, and he’s still living at the same address in Edinburgh.’

‘Wow,’ I said. ‘Oh, that’s wonderful, Maddie!’

She nodded. ‘It really is,’ she replied. ‘I haven’t seen him for the best part of thirty years, but once he’d got over the initial shock of it being me on the other end of the line, we chatted away for ages. It was just . . . brilliant. He’s so happy that I’m married and I’ve got kids. He can’t wait to meet them, he says, and he’s dying to see me again . . .’ She wiped her eyes. ‘I’m so chuffed, you know, to be in touch with him again, it feels such a bonus after Mum dying – but I mean . . . what a rollercoaster. To lose my mum, then regain my dad – it’s been a mad time for me.’

I patted her arm. ‘I can imagine,’ I said. ‘That’s a lot to get your head round. But your mum must have had her reasons. And right or wrong, she loved you to bits, you know that.’

She nodded. ‘I know that,’ she agreed. ‘I just wish I could ask her about it, get her to explain. I feel so angry that I didn’t have a dad for all those years, but . . .’ She spread her hands and shrugged. ‘What do you do?’

I sipped my coffee. What did you do indeed?

‘Well,’ I said, ‘if you don’t want to run the Race for Life, I totally understand. It’s your call, Maddie, and Lauren and I will respect whatever you feel is the right thing.’

‘Thanks, Jess. I appreciate that.’ Her eyes were glistening as she spoke. Then she knocked back her coffee, and got to her feet. ‘Right, come on, then. Let me show you what’s up for grabs.’

Maddie loaded me up with all the home essentials a girl could wish for – pots and pans, plates and bowls, crockery and cutlery . . . everything but the kitchen sink, in fact. She even gave me the kettle. ‘Are you sure?’ I kept saying as I put box after box into my car boot. ‘Are you absolutely sure? At least let me give you some money for all of this.’

‘Yes, I’m sure, and no, I don’t want a penny for it,’ she’d answered. ‘She would have wanted you to have it, Jess – she really liked you. Just make sure you let me know when the grand opening is, that’s all. I’d love to come and raise a toast to you in situ.’

Her words came back to me a few days later as I returned from my last appointment of the day. The flat was starting to look more lived-in now, more like a home. The kitchen was well equipped – with saucepans that Anna Noble had cooked with, no less! – and my bedroom was a cheerful chill-out area with pictures on the walls and a small telly that I’d treated myself to. (Maddie had offered me Anna’s huge flat-screen TV, but it would have taken up most of a wall.)