Sweetest Desires (A Sweetest Day Romance) (32 page)

* * *

Katharine looked at Natalie as if in a new light. Since the beginning of her decision to have the implants, God was speaking to her through Natalie but righteous indignation caused her to act on impulse without waiting on Him. Natalie’s premonition provided a little foreshadowing of God's anger and displeasure of her verdict. But in the end, the natural rejection of the implants justified the awakening spirit of God's judgment working in her life.

* * *

Almost seven hours after Katharine’s surgery, a stocky, middle-aged man in blue scrubs spotted Carson and Stephen approaching Katharine’s room. He stopped them.

“Mr. O’Connor?”

“Yes,” Carson acknowledged with a nervous edge to his voice. “Did something happen?”

“No, everything’s good. I’m Dr. Longwood, vascular surgeon,” the stubby man said. He looked at Stephen. “How are you, Dr. Harper?”

“Fine, fine,” Stephen nodded.

The surgeon exhaled in a puff of breath, “can you, uh, follow me to the waiting area for a minute?” he asked Carson.

Carson and Stephen were right behind him. Carson thought something bad had happened. He thought Katharine had taken a turn for the worse.

“Your wife is going to be fine. Unless there are unexpected complications, we expect her to pull through fine.”

Carson would have collapsed if Stephen hadn’t been there to support him. “Thank God. Thank you. Thank you, doctor.” He squeezed the surgeon’s hand. “What about her brain and her heart?”

“Doing fine. We still have her in ICU, hooked up to a monitor for observation. Her circulation has been reestablished, but there may be nerve damage from the stroke that won’t surface until later. Dr. Ritchie, the orthopedic surgeon, will be out in a moment to talk to you about physical therapy. The crucial thing now is that she’s still with us, and her vital signs are stable. Mrs. Harper is with her, but you can see her now and at any time during regular visiting hours.”

They shook hands. After exchanging a few words with Stephen, Dr. Longwood retreated down the hallway. For an emotional moment, Carson embraced Stephen and held him there. He needed some time to collect himself before facing Katharine. He didn’t want to appear distressed in front of her.

When Carson finally stepped back, wearing a rather embarrassed grin, Stephen said, “I knew she’d pull through.” He cleared his throat to adjust the subject. “I’m sorry for all the things that have happened, but I hope you know you were wrong for fighting with that guy, Freeman.”

Carson laid a hand on Stephen’s shoulder. “I was wrong to lose my temper,” Carson said. “And I also owe you an apology for playing the fool with you over Kat. I was overcome with jealousy and hatred and misery. I was just—”

“I understand,” Stephen whispered. “All’s forgiven. Let’s just wipe the slate clean.”

Carson looked down at his tightly clasped hands. “Can I tell you something?” he said in a choked voice.

“Sure,” Stephen replied in a welcoming demeanor.

“Before Kat came into my life, I was lost . . . floundering . . . pretending to be somebody on  Bama’s campus when I wasn’t. I had no real direction, no focus. Kat changed all that. She saved me. But somewhere along the line, our marriage started to fall apart. I started thinking about other women, admiring their faces and bodies as a way to deal with my depression. I needed to blame someone besides myself and Kat, so early on, I blamed God. I demanded to know how a benevolent God could let something like this happen to me, to Kat and our marriage. Eventually, God started talking back. He reminded me that He’d never left me and He told me not to yield to temptation, but to fast and pray. Then I turned the depression and misery over to Him, and He’s been talking to me ever since. I know Kat’ll pull through because God has honored his covenant with me.”

Stephen didn’t comment. Just smiled and waited him out.

“I used to think that if I just lived my life for the Lord, He would grant me the desires of my heart like the material things I yearn for
.
But now I’ve come to realize my heart desires the love of God and to be obedient to His Word.
Jesus
, my deliverer, is my desire. If I desire Him, everything else’ll fall into place.”

Stephen grinned enthusiastically. “Sounds like you’ve been in spiritual warfare but came out with the victory! To God be the glory!” He lifted his hand in a gesture of praise. “Only the Spirit of God can reveal the true understanding of what the Psalmist meant when he said, ‘Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.’”

“One more thing,” Carson said somberly. He took a deep breath, releasing it on a long, slow exhalation, careful to keep his eyes away from Stephen.

“The afternoon when I received the news that I was being honored with the AJA award, I went out to a bar to celebrate with a few of the guys from work. Not everyone knew about it. It was a spontaneous suggestion.” He quickly glanced at Stephen. “Not that I drank any alcohol. You know how I feel about that. Alcohol has a terrible effect on the brain.”

“Well, as long as it’s within reason, I guess a little sip every now and then won’t hurt,” Stephen interjected.

“Actually, I, um, spent the evening, uh, night at a hotel with a female friend.” He met Stephen’s eyes to show he was speaking the truth. “But nothing happened.”

Stephen dragged his hand slowly down his face and tightened his mouth with his fingers.

“Honestly,” Carson said, trying to sound persuasive. “After I left the bar, she called and we met up afterwards, had dinner at the Ritz, and went to relax in the hotel’s lounge. We got to talking about a lot of stuff, and the next thing I knew, it was four o’clock in the morning. Instead of driving home sleepy and exhausted, she got herself a room and convinced me to stay.”

Stephen listened cautiously, his eyes on the buffed floor.

“I was really tired,” Carson went on, “so I crashed on the sofa.” He scratched behind his ear nervously. “I know I should’ve been home celebrating with Kat and the children, but—” he hesitated, taking a second thought—“Never mind,” he dropped. “No more excuses. All excuses were left at Calvary.” He’d said it more as a reminder to himself.

Stephen stole a moment before responding. “I guess this is a good time for me to give you the old cliché, confession is good for the soul. But I’ll say this instead:” He raised his index finger towards heaven. “Let go and let God.” Their eyes locked. “Understood?” Stephen smiled gingerly.

A bit more relaxed, Carson took in a grin. “Understood.” He shook Stephen’s hand appreciatively and gave him a one-armed hug. “Thanks, man.”

“Speaking of that night,” Stephen said, almost wishing he could nip the subject in the bud, “it all started when you didn’t come home. Your wife asked Natalie not to mention to you about her having called the police concerning your,” he folded his lips against his teeth and lightly scratched his cheek, “absence.”

Carson’s euphoria changed to wariness. This time, he gave Stephen
his
undivided attention.

After clarifying everything, as told to him by Natalie, Stephen tapped Carson’s back and said, “Stay right here a second. I’ll be right back.” He disappeared down the corridor. A few moments later, he reappeared, holding Natalie’s hand. “We thought you’d like some private time with your wife.”

Chapter 45

Carson drew out every destructive
emotion that hid in his thoughts and stuffed it into an invisible bag: anger, malice, animosity, sorrow, depression, pride, doubt, hatred, and fear. He balled each one up and squashed the bag into thin air. All but one. Guilt seemed to stick to him like super glue.

He stood in the doorway of Katharine’s room. “CJ and Bethany send their love. And Sadie too.”

Katharine turned to look at him, but she didn’t speak.

Drawing in a deep breath and releasing it silently through his lips, he tried to compose himself. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and praying and have come to the conclusion that the implants were vanity,” he said. “You are fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God, and a fine image at that!” His lips trembled but he managed to form a courageous smile.

He took a seat next to her bed. “I’m selfish,” he said, tracing the lines on her palm. “I need for you to live.” Careful not to dislodge the IVs, he lifted her hand and pressed it between both of his.

“Why? So you can see the day when I”—she winced and sucked in her breath, “get rid of those dusters you detest?”

Carson tried to smile, happy to know she hadn’t lost her sense of humor.

“Consider them dust,” she added.

Ashamed, he released her fingers and held his cheeks in his hands.

“Don’t look so sad,” Katharine said in a hushed tone. “I’m not going anywhere for a while. God has too much work for me here. Besides, we have a lot to talk about. I’ll bet you don’t even know we’re divorced and you’ve remarried, do you?”

Carson’s eyes narrowed. “What’s that supposed to mean? Are—are you saying you’ve filed for a divorce?” His voice cracked.

Curving the edge of her lip, she shook her head lightly. She took a light breath and slowly closed and reopened her eyes. Her mouth slightly twisted from the stroke.

He raised her frail hand and kissed it delicately. “Thank you, because I—I feel guilty enough. I couldn’t take it if you ever left me, Kat. Not that I’d blame you.”

What he really wanted to hear was, “
Carson, I’ll never leave you
.” The longer he stared at her face, the more guilt he felt. How could he have been so selfish, so blind?

Katharine’s soft voice broke into his thoughts. “In my top bureau drawer, under my lingerie, you’ll find a large brown envelope. Open it and read what’s inside.”

“If it’s a revision to your last will and testament, I don’t—”

“Don’t be silly. That’ll never change. Just read it, okay?”

He looked into her eyes. “Okay,” he whispered. Then, after a troubled period of silence, he said, “Will you forgive me for leaving? I take full responsibility for everything. I acknowledge the mistakes I made, and they were huge. Stupid. Dumb.”

“Of course, I will. I’ll always forgive you—and love you forever—and—I’ll never leave you.”

There they were, the words he’d longed to hear her say. He could no longer maintain his composure and burst into tears. The guilt was eating at him like termites to timber.

“Stop beating yourself up,” she whispered. “Kill the guilt.”

“I just can’t seem to break it.” He rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hand to remove the film of tears.

“Sure you can,” she encouraged him.

He raised an eyebrow, indicating he didn’t agree. “Kat, I just can’t.”

It was Cindy. Even in her absence, she was still twisting his mind into knots. The corrupt seeds she planted in his thoughts grew thorns and thistles. He regretted the day he’d met her. Wholly aware God had forgiven him, he needed to find a way to forgive himself.

“You can do it,” Katharine persisted.

“It’s not like I went through eBay, selected guilt, and paid for my order through PayPal.”

Katharine giggled weakly and then looked serious again. “No one can change what happened, but you can get through this,” she said reassuringly. “You have the power through prayer. The devil has been defeated, God is exalted and Jesus is Lord.”

He touched her palm with his fingertips, trying desperately to find the right words.

“I don’t deserve loyalty from you, and I hope somehow your faith in me will be restored.”

A long silence ensued.

“What’s going to happen to us?” she asked finally, closing her hand around his. “All these months,” she whispered, “I did want you—to love me again.” She caressed his cheek lovingly. “Oh, your face. It means so much to me, the sight of you. I’m so afraid of trusting my feelings for you. Those months when you weren’t there, I couldn’t—I wanted you to be there.”

“Sh.” He put his index finger to his lip. He wasn’t prepared to explain his absence or excuse his irresponsible behavior. “I just want you to live. I love you.” He said it simply, easily, sincerely. “I want to grow old with you, just the way God made you with no manmade enhancements.”

Katharine turned her head away from Carson and looked at the ceiling. “I need to tell you about Freeman.”

“Sh.” This time he put his index finger to her lip. “I don’t need to know about Freeman right now. Right now I just want you to heal. We can talk about him when you’re up and about; that is if you’ll still want to.” That wasn’t the total truth. Carson was definitely interested in knowing about Freeman. Who is this man? How does Katharine know him? Is he an old flame? What business does this man have with his wife? The pictures of him and Katharine? The article? What are they all about?

She turned to look at him again.

“I just want to have an incredibly loving, respect
ful, everlasting union with you,” Carson smiled tenderly. He felt a new kind of love.

They gazed into each other’s eyes. He massaged her cheek, and a low moan escaped her. He touched his mouth to hers, and the moan dissolved against his lips.

Gingerly, Carson ended the kiss. He needed to confess.

“It’s amazing how one man’s life can affect all those around him,” he began. “If I had never left and had been open to receiving marital counseling, CJ wouldn’t have gotten into trouble at school; Bethany,” he was careful to say, “would never have felt lost and disconnected; our friendship with Stephen and Natalie would never have been interrupted; I probably would’ve never encountered Freeman; and”—a tear slid from his eye—“you wouldn’t be lying here today.”

He had intentionally left out Cindy and Deanna. Their names would only open the door for unhealthy, unwanted dialogue.

He wiped the tear with his knuckle.

“‘There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus,’” Katharine whispered as if hearing the words in her own mind.

Her eyelids closed and she began to hum:

“Your grace and mercy have brought us through. We’re living each moment because of You . . . .”

She forced her eyes to open again. “A great poet once said, ‘If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.’” Katharine’s eyes closed. “My Carson came back,” she said before drifting into unconsciousness. The lengthy visit she had with Natalie and the additional medication she’d been given by a nurse during Natalie’s visit had apparently taken effect.

Grateful that the stroke hadn’t impaired her speech or disfigured her mouth, except for the vague twist the doctor said would return to normal after speech therapy, Carson gently kissed her lips.

“I’ll go even further,” Carson said stroking his wife’s cheek as she rested in the splendor of serenity. “What God has joined together, let no man—or woman—put asunder.” He brought her hand to his lips and kissed it, then lifted his eyes to the ceiling. “Thank you, Father, for saving my wife, my children, my marriage. And with Your help and guidance, I’ll be the best husband, father, and child of God to my fullest extent. I want to hear You one day say, ‘Well done my obedient and faithful servant. Enter into my joy.’”

He and Katharine would have a lot to discuss after her release. On second thought, maybe some things were better left unsaid. But his curiosity had gotten the best of him. He wanted to know more about Freeman. He owed him for coming to Katharine’s rescue when he, himself, should’ve been there. He owed him an apology for starting the fight. If it hadn’t been for Freeman, no telling what would’ve happened to his wife. Still he had to find out why Freeman had written the article in the
Ledger
. Not even Stephen could answer that question.

Carson contemplated Katharine’s full recovery. He wanted to take her back to the place of their honeymoon to begin their lives anew, but haunting memories now forbade it. Recollecting how Katharine often spoke of wanting to visit Egypt after the children were grown, he figured why wait? Katharine’s situation had taught him that tomorrow is not promised. Enjoy life to the fullest, one day at a time. Now that God had given him another opportunity, his sweetest desire, he would make it his top priority to keep unity in the comm
unity
of marriage.

As for Cindy and Deanna—even though he regretted allowing them to enter his life, he’d hoped for their safety and salvation in the Lord.