Tainted Love: contemporary womens fiction love story and family saga (Behind Closed Doors Book 1) (4 page)

I watched for longer than a week. I wanted to make sure this wasn't something I'd made up in my head or a seed of doubt planted when Robert revealed Cal wasn’t to be trusted. But no, there were no more airplane rides. No more tickling. No more chasing you around the house and garden when he played with Georgia before bedtime. It was like you didn’t exist.

Maybe I should have said something earlier, but the practice’s annual picnic was coming up, and I just wanted to get through a day of being reminded and consoled regarding Mom and Dad's deaths. Just imagining people telling me how much they were missed and asking unwanted questions on your well being overwhelmed me with their absence. I perished at the thought of it all.

But it was all high praise for Cal. As you know, he specializes in post-traumatic stress. They all said he was possibly the perfect person to step into Daddy's shoes at this time. Piece by piece, I heard the story of marketing analysts, business experts, reputation management specialists, people who knew what they were doing and how they were erasing the Hawthorne history and the bad press associated with it. As much as no one seemed to want it, the agreement was the best thing for the clinic.

The way he was with you that day, playing with you, wrestling you to the ground, teaching you how to tackle him like a quarterback, you were inseparable all day. Suddenly, I had doubts. Maybe I’d watched him during an off week? Or maybe you hadn’t wanted to play? Maybe I was nurturing the seed planted by Robert and seeing things that weren’t really there? I was probably mistaken after all.

Chapter Seven

Thanksgiving 1981

There are defining moments in every marriage. These moments will either make or break it. You won't see them coming and they'll happen in the blink of an eye. But once they're out there, you can't take them back. You can apologize until your hair turns white, but it’s not going to change what you did or said, or maybe didn't say when you should have. The fact remains you can only keep moving forward and you'll hope you make it, because if you don't... you'll break it.

After Cal lost Emma, he never wanted another wife or any children. Falling in love with me kind of spoiled that for him. But as I said, I think the use of the “L” word was a way for a doctor to get a student nurse into bed, and when it backfired he proposed. His quick fix ricocheted off every plan he made and shattered every dream he had. Cal ended up married and with a daughter just two years after he lost the love of his life. Then things became serious for us, and he had to bear his in-laws’ responsibilities just six months later.

So the perfect boss, husband, father, and big brother couldn't last. Something had to give, and I'm so sorry I didn't notice it was you who suffered first. In the privacy of our home, you were nothing to him. In the public eye, you were the son he didn't have.

"You can't do this to him," I cried one night as we changed for bed. "You're a psychiatrist! You know the damage you'll do to him by switching your affections on and off like this. He needs you to be his father."

"Take a seat, Faith."

Take a seat...? He'd begun talking to me like I was an employee, not his wife, and it grated on my nerves. Enough to keep me silent about the news I'd known for weeks. News I thought he'd be thrilled about, but now I wasn’t so sure.

"We need to talk."

I'll never forget this day. It was the day before Thanksgiving, and we were meeting Robert, Gina, and Izzy for the parade early in the morning. So when he'd frozen like I'd thrown ice water on him, I knew something major was wrong. I perched on the edge of our bed. "What's the matter?"

"As you know, Darryl's placement with us was only temporary," he said. I didn't like this and I didn't like where it was going one bit. "The final review is coming up and I think we should tell them —"

"No!" I leapt to my feet. My husband was not telling me he wanted to put my little brother into someone else’s care!

"Faith, you're not coping with him."

"I'm coping fine."

"Look at you." He rattled off a list of ailments. Exhaustion, headaches, nausea, depression, missed periods. "I'm seriously worried about you. The stress of losing your parents and taking on the responsibility of Darryl, it's just too much."

"He's my brother!"

"But he's not really, is he, Fay?" Cal said it so quietly I thought I misheard him. "He's not your real brother and you need to put your family first. What about Georgia?"

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "You want me to toss him back into the system?"

"He's young enough to be placed with another family and not be harmed by it."

But didn't he say we had to move to help you adjust to life without Mom and Dad? Didn't he say by staying in this house you would flourish and grow? Didn't he understand the family under this roof was all the family I had left in the world? All the family
you
had left in the world?!

"He's not blood so he's not my family, is that it, Cal? What did my parents have to say about this? I'm sure they'd made provisions for his care in their will just in case."

They'd tried for years and years for a brother or sister for me, but none came. Mom was heartbroken. They began fostering children but they never gave up. That’s when you came along, a miracle survivor from an icy river plunge on Christmas Eve. You were the gift they'd been waiting for. They stopped fostering and stopped trying for a baby. They adopted you instead.

"Did they leave everything to me, Cal? He's not blood so he didn't get anything? I doubt that very much. My parents loved him every bit as much as they loved me. Don't you ever tell me he's not my brother and don't you dare tell me he can't live with us again, because he's all I have!"

Cal looked at me. Something I didn't recognize flickered across his expression before it went cold and even angrier than before. "I don't want children, Faith! And one mistake is bad enough."

The whole world opened up beneath my feet as I stared into raging orange eyes. But my heart... it cried, even if the rest of me was too angry to let it out. But he loved Georgia. She was everything to him. She wasn’t a mistake. She was an accident.

"Well, you didn't learn from it then, did you?" I spat the words back at him. He just held my glare. I think he knew what I was going to say. But I said it anyway just so we were clear. "I'm not sick, or stressed, or struggling with the loss of my parents. There's nothing wrong with me, Cal. I'm pregnant."

Chapter Eight

He didn't speak to me for days.

The whole of the Thanksgiving weekend was a disaster. Cal refused to come with us to the parade. He sent a message downstairs with you. I had to tell Robert and Gina he was sick and we wouldn’t be there for dinner. It was a problem for us because we didn’t have the food to make Thanksgiving dinner since we’d been invited to Robert and Gina’s. We had roasted chicken instead.

I battled with my conscience, with my waning respect for God, and made a decision. As he said, you put your family first. But even this didn't make Cal happy. He called me a stupid bitch.

You know, it's not like we'd ever used or even discussed birth control. We took our chances. This was the result. Why was he punishing me for giving him really great... em, well, maybe that’s too much information… needless to say, after Caleb came, the birth control discussion pretty much took the shape of ”Do you want any more ‘accidents’, Cal? No? Then I should see the doctor about the contraceptive pill.”

The issue over you was erased by the problem of the new baby. After Thanksgiving, Cal went to work before you'd even woken up, and when he came home it was like a switch had been flicked. From that day on, he adored you. In his own way, I'm sure he adores all of you. And I was right all those years ago, he is a wonderful father.

But for months, our marriage was nothing more than harsh words and even harsher glares. Christmas was not fun that year, and how you and Georgia didn't notice I'll never know. There was none of the concern he'd shown with the last pregnancy, and I tried everything I could not to stress him out. I knew there was no drawing him into this, no getting him attached to the baby growing inside, especially after what I went through the first time.

Once he held him, or her, that's when Cal's wall would crumble. When the rest of us are terrified of the next eighteen years, that’s when Cal's nightmare would be over and he’d gush at the baby in his arms and tell him, "I'm your dada.”

So I waited. And I was patient. It hadn't yet been five years since he'd lost Emma and didn't I know that day on the beach? Didn't I warn myself? Didn't I tell myself he'd only resent me if he didn't fully heal before we set out on this path? I only had myself to blame.

I know, I know... I can hear you.

You're saying there are two people in any marriage. He took long enough to think about it and he made it perfectly clear what he wanted when he followed me on the beach. And I know you're saying he's a psychiatrist and he should know better. But he's just a man. A man whose life was tipped upside down and he was trying to start over… except he didn't realize he wasn't ready.

The longer I waited, the grumpier he became. Until yet another miserable Valentine’s Day, only this one he made every effort for his baby girl. After all, it was her second birthday. But for me? There was nothing. Honestly, it’s Georgia’s birthday, so I don’t expect big, lavish, thoughtful gifts. I’d bought him tickets to the symphony, arranged for Gina to babysit, I even booked a hotel... all without so much as an acknowledgment from him. But a card would have been nice.

I was almost eight months pregnant by then, and I hadn't been sleeping well. As an unborn baby, Caleb was nocturnal. Mind you, Caleb’s always been nocturnal, so it meant I could never get comfortable at night. Cal grumbled, then snapped, and then shouted. He had to go to work in less than four hours.

He rolled over and thumped his pillow as he settled into the mattress and under the duvet. His back pushed against my protruding stomach and he froze. I don't think he meant to touch me but I know he didn't know what to do. Being there made him uncomfortable but moving would upset me and cause damage he knew he couldn't repair.

I'm not sure how long we lay as still as possible, listening to the sound of each other's slumber charade. But I wondered if he felt what I felt; Caleb using my kidney for soccer practice.

"Will you stop fidgeting?!"

Well, that answered my question. "I can't."

"Why the hell not?"

"Because it's the baby."

He rolled over, and for the first time in months it wasn't anger I saw in his eyes. "Fay." I didn't know it was possible for a whisper to tremble until then. "This is really happening, isn't it?"

I wanted to hit him. If it wasn't for the raw fear in his eyes, I think I might have.

He said, "I go to bed each night and I hope when I wake up, it’s just you and me, planning the lavish wedding we wanted, going on all those trips we were going to take. Canada, Mexico, Europe. Every thing's gone so far off course from the life we wanted."

I’d had no idea he was so unhappy. There'd been no windows into his soul until now. I did the only thing I thought was right. "Cal, I can't bear to see you this unhappy." I reached out in the darkness. My hand caressed the sharpened edge of his stubble lined jaw. “It’s alright if you want to leave.” He gasped. It wasn’t okay if he left me. I had no idea what I’d do. How I’d manage without him or how the practice would manage without him. But I had to let him go, didn’t I? “I know you didn’t want any of this. I’ll take care of the children, I promise, and you can see them whenever you want. Cal, I just want you to be happy again."

“Oh, Fay,” he whispered, shuffling closer. He mumbled my name several more times as he nuzzled into my neck. He held me so close. It was the first intimate contact we’d had since Thanksgiving, and it broke my heart because it felt like goodbye. "A man would be crazy to give up someone as goddamn adorable as you."

He placed his lips on mine before he pulled away. "I don’t deserve you." His hand drew down the length of my face as he cupped my cheek. “Have you looked under your pillow at all?”

My hand slipped under the cotton and touched a long thin velvet case. “Oh, Cal.” I lifted my head and pulled the jewelry box from its hiding place. “I’ve been cursing you all day.”

“I know, but you’ve been busy.” His hand twisted in my hair for a few moments, then drifted over my shoulder. “You’ve had Georgia’s party to arrange. Can’t imagine it was easy considering... I could have done more to help.”

No, he’d done so much by keeping Georgia and the other toddlers entertained and from under my feet. Wait a minute… was he acknowledging the...? He was! This was big. I didn’t know what to say.

Again he shuffled closer until his body was flush with my side and nuzzled against my ear. “It’ll still be there in the morning.” And then he kissed me. I mean, he
really
kissed me! Like a solider returning from a six month operational tour might kiss his wife for the first time.

His hand came to a stop where Caleb kicked. “I think we’re having a boy,” Cal whispered. “Georgia was never like this.” Caleb settled. It was as though even he knew something monumental had just happened.

Chapter Nine

His eyes have always been a gateway to Caleb’s soul, even at just a few months old. They’d go the slightest shade of grey and I’d know he was about to cry. They’d sparkle like the Atlantic on a hot summer day when a smile lit up his face. He was such a charmer with the older ladies and broke so many hearts back then.

Both you and Georgia adored him. You couldn’t do enough to help. We had to get Georgia a little baby of her own. Oh, and a stroller she could push too! How she’s turned out to be such a career girl when all she wanted for so many years was to be like her mom, I’ll never know. Although… Mommy, Caleb and D were forgotten once Daddy walked through the door. You know, her first word was “Dada”. I never grew tired of seeing her run to him. That’s the way it’s supposed to be.