Take Me Home Tonight (33 page)

“Mom, how many pills did you take?” He was trying to keep his shit together, trying not to freak her out, but she needed her stomach pumped
right the fuck now
. Needed the paramedics to get their asses out there.

“One.” She smacked him on the arm. “I took one Ambien so I could get some sleep.” She held up the bottle, shook it.

He tried to grab it from her, but she snatched it back. “Doc prescribed ten pills. Count 'em. There're nine in there.”

He didn't need to count. He could see. With a rough exhalation, he turned to the phone. “She's all right. My mom's fine. I apologize.”

“Do you still need us to send someone out there?”

“No. She took one prescribed sleeping pill. I misinterpreted what I saw. I'm sorry.”

He set his phone on the nightstand and scrubbed a hand over his face. His body thrummed with anxiety.

“What the hell, Calix?” But she didn't sound worked up anymore. “What just happened?”

His impulse was to shield her, but this shit had to stop. He was done being careful with her. “I've been waiting, Ma. For this. This exact moment.”

“What moment? To walk in on me . . .” Her body locked up. Color crept into her cheeks.

He looked her right in the eye. “Exactly.”

She reared back. “Wh—why?”

“I think about what happened all the time. What I walked in on.”

His mom looked horrified. “You think I'm gonna off myself?”

“Yeah. I do. And I've got to ask you. Do you think about it? Taking pills?”

She reached behind her, stacked up some pillows. “Well, shit. That's why you watch me like a hawk? Feed me like a toddler?” And then awareness slammed home. “
That's
why you're all living at home?”

He nodded.

“I thought you were just being a pain in the ass because you wanted me to go back to being the kind of mom I was.” She pushed him aside and got out of bed. Found a pair of pajama bottoms on the chair by the window and stepped into them. “Damn, Calix. I didn't know.” She turned to him, hands on her hips. “I'm
not
gonna kill myself. Do I think about it? I mean, sometimes, yeah. On my bad days. But not seriously. I'm not gonna do it.”

“But you've tried it before.” And that scared the shit out of him. “And if I hadn't come home that day, you wouldn't be here.”

She looked so damn weary. “Well, yeah. Those first few
months . . . it was unbearable. I couldn't live without my boy. It tore my heart out.”

“I know, Ma. And I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry.” Goddammit. Why couldn't he have kept a hand on Hopper? Why hadn't he paid attention? Noticed the moment his brother had wandered off?

She shot him a look. “What does that mean?”

He rubbed the leather band between two fingers. “I never should've taken my eyes off him. If I hadn't gotten so fucking carried away—”

“Wait. Stop. Stop, stop, stop.” She came closer. “What're you talking about?”

“I was right there. Right fucking there. If I'd just—”

“Hey,” she snapped. “Don't you do that. Don't you dare. It is
not
your fault.”

“I should have been watching him.”

She set her hand on top of his, stopping him from rubbing. “No, you shouldn't have. You had a gig that day. Jason was watching him. And it's not Jason's fault either.” She swiped her palms across her cheeks. “Look at us. You know why Jason's not around anymore? Because he blames himself. Can't stand to be near us. And I don't have the energy to convince him otherwise. Got my own demons to slay.”

“What're you talking about? You were onstage. You had nothing to do with it.”

“I'm not talking about that day.” She yanked open the curtain, letting daylight flood in. “I'm talking about the whole first half of my life. Trust me when I tell you, I was
not
a good person. And I can't help thinking I earned what I got.”

What the hell?
“Are you talking about karma? You led a fast life in the music industry, so you deserve to lose your son?”

“Well, when you put it that way, it does sound pretty lame.” She gave a bitter laugh. “But it's more than that. I was a shitty daughter. You didn't know my parents, but they were hard-asses. Not even religious, just strange, uptight people. And I was nothing but trouble. Ran off when I was sixteen and never talked to them again.” She lowered her head. When she lifted it again, pain filled her eyes. “Who does that? They weren't bad people. They didn't beat me. They just didn't
know how to raise a kid like me. I was foul-mouthed, drank too much, and ditched my classes. They couldn't control me.”

“You were a kid.”

“No excuse for how I treated them. I knew just which buttons to push. It's just . . . when they couldn't control me, they ignored me. Which only made me act out more. I remember once—what was I? Twelve, thirteen? No, I was thirteen, because my friends were having their confirmation parties. I had a crush on this kid, Marco, and I wanted a new dress. My folks didn't spend money on fancy clothes, so I borrowed my friend's. And my mom snatched that thing out of my hands, walked me over to my friend's house, and made me return it. I wore the damn dress anyway, and she found out because I spilled red punch on it and shoved it under the bed. She didn't talk to me for seven months. Seven months my mother ignored me. Didn't set a place for me at the table, didn't do my laundry. She acted like I didn't exist.”

“That's messed up.”

“Thing is, looking back, I think, why'd I have to provoke her like that?” She looked down at her hands, scarred with burn marks from the hot metal pieces she worked with. “I only got worse when I met your dad. The things we did . . .”

“Ma, you're not that kid anymore. I've known you twenty-six years, and everything I know about being a good person I learned from you.”

“You don't get away scot-free from a life of bad choices.”

“So you
do
think Hopper died because you led a wild life.”

“I don't know. In a way I guess I do.”

“That's bullshit. Everyone's got regrets, Ma, but how many people actually change? And look at the life you've built. Look what you've got.”

“You guys are pretty great.”

“I don't mean how we turned out. I mean our lives. You did this. You gave us everything you didn't have as a kid. You gave us the best childhoods.” He tipped her chin. “Ma, you didn't cause his death.”

“Well, you didn't either.”

“No, I know. It's not about
blaming
myself. It's that I was
right there. If I hadn't been getting my ass kissed by those Voltage guys—”

“They weren't kissing your ass. Calix, you were talented. Like, beyond talented. And you didn't have just one label after you.” His mom took a step back, reeling. Tears welled, and she clapped a hand over her mouth.

What just happened?

“You're so damn talented.” She turned fierce. “You've got ten times the talent your dad and I ever had, and I've held you back. I've held all of you back. I didn't . . . I didn't get it. I got lost in my own head. I didn't even get that you guys're living at home 'cause you think I'm gonna off myself.” Tears spilled down her cheeks. “Is this why you're not joining Blue Fire?”

He didn't need to answer.

“Oh, hell.” She tipped her head back, blinking. “Talk about a wake-up call. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Listen, no more of this shit. I'm gonna get my head out of my ass.” She drew in a breath. “I've been thinking about this for a while, but I'm gonna get some help. I was just gonna go to a doctor about the insomnia, but . . . I think I know what I've got to do. Calix, I'm okay. I promise. You're a good kid, a good guy. I'm so damn sorry for holding you back.”

“I think we'll stop with the blame game starting right now, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.” She wiped the tears off her face, blinking as she looked at Calix's wrist. She touched the braided leather band, stroked it slowly, reverently. And then her brows pulled together. “Hopper's.”

“Yeah.”

She gazed up at him as if trying to put the pieces together in her mind.

“I took it off your wrist in the hospital.” He watched her for signs that she remembered. “They were gonna cut it off you.”

“Yeah.” His mom held his gaze a moment, before slowly drawing in a breath. “You mind if I take it back now?”

*   *   *

The
moment Mimi entered the lobby, her doorman gave her a chin nod and then gestured across the room.

On the other side of the marble foyer, an imposing, striking man sat on a bench.

Never taking his eyes off her, Calix Bourbon slid his hands down his thickly-muscled thighs and slowly stood.

Her heart leapt into her throat, and her spirits soared. Her muscles readied to run right at him.

And then she remembered.

She'd moved on.

And just like that she settled down. She nodded to her doorman and then met Calix halfway.

“Calix.”

“Sweet pants.” Those dark eyes studied her, filled with equal parts worry and hope.

“What're you doing here?”

“I gave Lee my cottage, and I'm wondering how attached you are to this building.”

Was he . . . holy crap, was he talking about moving in with her? Her excitement died the moment she imagined how many nights she'd be alone, waiting for him, while he was back on Long Island with his family. His brother would have trouble with the next girlfriend or his sister would need help making a decision about the business.

He'd need to make his mom an omelet at midnight.

All sweet. But not for her.

But, boy, did he look gorgeous and genuine and intense and . . . hers.

She'd
missed
him.

But she wasn't going backward. “You know what? It's been an exhausting couple of days, and all I want to do is put on my sweats and curl up in bed with a good book.” She moved to get around him. “I'll be out at the farm this weekend, so maybe we can catch up then.”

“No.”

“Excuse me?” She stopped, turned back to him.

“I was an ass, and I'm sorry.” And then he went soft, almost desperate. “I'm
sorry
.”

A million thoughts flittered through her head. Why was he in the city? Oh, God, was something wrong? She turned fully toward him. “Is everyone all right?”

“Everyone's great. Except us. But I'm going to fix that. First, I need to know how important this apartment is to you because I'm not sure my instruments and amps will fit. I think we'll need a second bedroom. But if you're attached to it, I'll deal.”

Mimi glanced down at the shiny white marble floor, taking a moment to quiet her aching, pounding heart and gather her thoughts. “I would've loved to hear you talk like this when we were together.” Her pulse picked up at the very idea of rejecting the man she loved so freaking hard. Every muscle in her body strained to reach out to him, wrap around him.

But she couldn't do it. “It's too late. I believe that you care about me, but I know your family will always come first. That's how you were raised. And I'm just not a peripheral kind of girl. Do I miss you? Oh, yeah. Especially at night when I remember those couple of hours you used to give me.” He flinched, but she carried on. She drew in a breath. “I'm sure I'll see you around.”

Unlikely, actually. Once she got this project off the ground, she'd be working through weekends. She'd probably have to hire a couple people to help her. She smiled at the thought.

But as she moved around him, he caught her arm. “Things've changed. My mom's seeing a therapist. Lee's applying to FIT. You did that, Mimi. You did that for us.”

For
us
. Always that separation. “I'm glad things are better. I truly care about your family, but like I said, I'm done. I wish you well, Calix.”

“We're not done.”

She'd have given anything to hear these words two weeks ago. “You say that because things are going well. But when something else happens, you're going to push me away again. I'm not going to fall deeper for you when you've shown me your true heart. It isn't mine.”

“You own it. My heart. I love you, Mimi.” And this was the Calix she'd had in her bed. He was back.

He
loved
her.
God
.

But she just couldn't go through it again—give him her whole heart only to have him push her away again.

He reached for her. “Mimi, you turned the music back on. You turned on all the lights and threw open the windows. There's no going back. I love you. I'm
in love with you
.”

Okay, he wanted to get real? She'd get real. “I cried myself to sleep every night for a week. I wanted to hear these words from you . . . You have no idea. But something changed for me. I've changed. I've spent my entire life trying to get my dad to spend time with me. Working so hard for something that was elusive—and not because my dad doesn't like me, but because he's incapable of giving me the kind of love I need. And guess what? Just like my dad will always put his work first, you'll always put your family first. And I'm not going there ever again.”

“Give me a chance to show you. I—”

She put up a hand. She didn't want to hear it. “The next man I fall for is going to love me so much he can't help but put me first.”

“That man is me. And I'll spend my life proving it to you.”

“Let me ask you something. Did you join the band?”

“No.”

God, that broke her heart. He'd always be a peripheral guy. “Good night, Calix.”

*   *   *