TakeItOff (11 page)

Once, a guy was doing the shower act on stage, which
required him to take everything off and cover himself with a just a towel. When
he dropped the G-string by the back of the stage, we grabbed it, filled it with
the Icy Hot, and watched him put it back on in the middle of his act onstage.
He made it through the stage performance but had to run to the back as soon as
he got off. He was a good sport about it. He had previously pranked me, so I
owed him one. During my act, I put a towel around my waist and took off my
bottoms. I was totally naked underneath and he came up to my stage and stole my
bottoms. It was kind of hard to collect tips wearing nothing but a towel.

Borrower Beware

There was this one dancer who was a friend but was always
using my expensive cologne. I’d always say something but in a funny, not
serious, way. Still, I watched my expensive cologne dry up. This guy wouldn’t
just spray a couple times, he would bathe in it! Plus, this was my scent and I
loved the compliments I got for wearing it and didn’t really want to share it.
So one day I devised a plan to buy the cheapest and strongest cologne I could
find at my local drugstore. English Leather was my choice. Just a dab will do
you! I took the cologne and put it in an empty cologne bottle I had held for
such a purpose.

That night at work, just like every day before, the guy came
to my locker right before he was due onstage and grabbed the cologne. He sprayed
all over his body and a few extra sprays at his crotch area! I saw him make a
funny face and I just lost it! I laughed so hard. He looked at me, not sure
what was going on. Another second passed and he was starting to choke on the
horrible scent that is Old English Leather! He looked at me and yelled, “What
the fuck is this?” I laughed even harder. He was about to step onto the stage
smelling like an old man times ten! He ran to the sink and tried to wipe himself
with a wet towel but that didn’t get the smell off him. He had to go onstage
and from the look on his face, was not too happy. He never borrowed my cologne
again!

Reality Bites

After a busy Friday night, as a dancer was saying goodbye to
his customers, the lights came up and he saw something in the corner. Thinking
it might be something valuable, he went to inspect. As he got closer, he
realized that it was a set of dentures! Someone had actually lost their
dentures! The club got a call the next day. The caller said, “This is gonna
seem really weird but did anyone find a set of dentures?”

Don’t Look Up

When you’re dealing with guys who take off their clothing
for a living, you’re going to have some warrants out on them, whether it’s a
driving violation or fighting charge. Needless to say, whenever Vice would come
in, the DJ would have a code phrase like “Billy, check sound,” and all the
dancers who had warrants would go up in a secret hole in the backroom attic and
wait until the cops left. What a photo that would make. A bunch of half-naked
guys hiding in the rafters.

Good News, Bad News

Going onstage is actually a great feeling, but sometimes could
make you a little nervous, give you diarrhea. Fortunately, there was a private
bathroom in the dressing room that a guy could use before going onstage.
Unfortunately, more than once, a guy had toilet paper sticking out of his thong.

Flipped Out

One dancer we knew was great at doing flips and break dancing.
One day on the main stage, he decided to pull out a new move and do a suicide.
A suicide is where you run toward a wall, step up onto it and force back in
order to do a backflip. He had done this before, just not onstage. As the women
were cheering him on after the first few flips, he ran toward the back wall and
put his foot into the wall and through the drywall.

Smooth Move

Once when we were performing a show at a casino in Nevada, I
did a dance for an elderly lady. One of my usual moves is to twirl my shirt
into a long straight roll and then throw it over the head of the lady to wrap it
around her neck and pull her closer. It works great ninety-nine percent of the
time. This was that other one percent. The shirt caught on her wig and when I
pulled on the shirt, the wig fell off! I felt so bad. She was embarrassed to
say the least. I did finish the lap dance though.

Smoother Move

A common move I use on the side stage is to grab a girl’s
hands and let her rub my pecs. This time was different though. For some reason,
the girl would only give me one hand. So I made a gesture to get the other hand
a couple more times until she revealed there was no other hand! Doh! I felt
like an idiot.

Smoothest Move

It was a slow Thursday night. This dancer was up next and
had spent the last twenty minutes getting all GQ’d up. His act required him to
walk out from the back with a candle and candle holder in each hand. He walked
out with the candles chest high by his side. He proceeded to turn around, and
when he did, he instinctively stretched out his arms. The momentum shot one
candle across the room about twenty feet and hit a girl in the face! It did
some damage but the management smoothed it over by comping everything and
having the dancer do free dances all night. The club luckily dodged a lawsuit.

Blindfolded and Gagged

Wherever people drink too much, people are bound to throw
up. Most of us have stories about being vomited on by a girl who partied a
little too hearty. But on one occasion, it was the audience who got it. A
popular act the girls love is the S&M act. A girl—usually the guest of
honor—is blindfolded and put onstage with her hands and feet bound. She is in
the back part of the stage facing the audience. The song starts and the dancer
makes his way out. He circles the girl twice very suggestively and stops behind
her. He bends her over a bit and starts to rub all over her in a very
suggestive manner. He stands up and grabs her hair and physically pushes her
back and forth by thrusting his pelvic region. One night, on the fourth or
fifth thrust, the bachelorette threw up, projecting onto the front of the stage
and covering a bunch of women sitting close up.

Rock and Roll

Props can be a pain. When traveling, sometimes you have to
carry extensive stage props. Once a dancer and I did a roadshow and had to fly
to get there. For this particular show, we needed a wheelchair and a set of
bongo drums, and our luggage was already full. We came up with the idea that I
would pretend to be a blind bongo player and he had to push me in a wheelchair
because I couldn’t navigate myself through the airport.

It worked perfectly. We got through security with no trouble
at all. A six-foot-four jacked-up stud pushing a wheelchair containing a
muscle-bound blind bongo player in a tight shirt attracted a lot of female
attention. So we decided to have some fun with it. While he pushed me through
the terminal, girls would approach us, wanting to talk. When they did, he
purposely gave a little shove to the chair before stopping to talk, sending me
careening toward a wall or a trash can while I acted like I had no idea I was
about to crash.

The expressions on the faces of people watching us were
priceless. Some were shocked, others died laughing. But the girls we were
talking to never even noticed. After we boarded, the antics we pulled paid off
even better than we thought. The flight attendants felt sorry for me, had a
crush on him and moved us to first class.

Party Package

One Friday night past midnight, a cross-dresser (a very
convincing one at that) came into the club to celebrate her birthday with her
friends. She got a party package that included a stage dance. This is where we
placed a girl on center stage in a chair and the dancer incorporated her into
his act. Well, even though the tranny was pretty convincing, everyone in the
club knew, except one dancer who was downstairs in the parking lot getting
high. He came up ten minutes before he was due onstage and started to get
ready. The manager was pissed that the dancer was high and knew he had limited
vision in one eye because of a scratch on his cornea, so he told the waiter to
put the tranny on his stage.

The dancer came out onstage high, not knowing what was
happening. He did his signature move, called the rocket, where he would put his
head in a girl’s lap and basically do a head stand with his feet straight up!
From the main stage, the music was so loud that the dancer never heard the
laughter. He was so stoned he never figured it out.

Birthday Suit

Saturday nights were the only night of the week birthdays
were celebrated. This was usually the busiest night and the party night for
everyone. If a waiter or the stage coordinator had a birthday, it was
traditional to let them dance a set and take tips. Our stage coordinator was
celebrating his birthday at the club one year.

The girls knew to hook up the birthday boy, so they all
gathered around the stage. He got down to his boxers and was taking the tips as
fast as he could. His wife was out in the audience watching. Suddenly, without
warning, a dancer came up behind him and, thinking it would be funny, pulled
the poor guy’s boxers down to his ankles. The guy had his hands in the air when
the boxers went down. Just totally shocked, he stood there a few seconds before
pulling them up! Right in front of hundreds of women and his wife! He was
redder than I’ve ever seen a man get.

Hair Gel Substitute

The waiters at the club also liked to get into the mix with
the girls. One night, a waiter decided to get a blowjob from one of the
regulars. He took her downstairs and they got into her car. She was giving him
oral pleasure and he was about to climax. She had already told him not to come
in her mouth, so he looked frantically around her car to find a cloth or
something. He had no luck and was about to explode. He knew that she was
wearing a wig and so he pulled it off and jizzed in it. The girl knew this and
put it back on her head anyway before going back into the club to hang out.

Can You Hear Me Now?

There was this one dancer who liked to flick your cock.
Literally, with his fingers, he’d thump on an unsuspecting victim. We used to
call him gay, but it didn’t deter him one bit. He was a talented dancer and had
a good body when he focused, but he did have one big flaw—a giant, furry
toupee! He had a good sense of humor about it. Once, a girl I was sitting with
had a friend come back to the table after tipping him on the side stage and
say, “Hey, that guy’s got a hairpiece!”

The other girl responded, “He has herpes?”

“No,” said the first girl. “A hairpiece!”

Queen of the Parade

One time, we got a call for a one-day movie shoot in which
they needed eight guys dressed as gladiators to carry a queen’s chariot. The
pay was six hundred and seventy-five dollars each for the day, and refreshments
and costumes were provided.

When we arrived, the streets were packed with people who we
figured were extras. We were led inside and given our costumes—extra-small,
neon spandex banana hammocks. We explained that there must be a mistake and
that we were the gladiators who were there to carry the queen in the movie they
were shooting. The costume person told us it was a parade, not a movie, but
that we were supposed to carry the queen and wear these costumes.

We were a little annoyed, but we were already there and it
still seemed like easy money. We walked outside in our ridiculously tight man
panties, and the crowd started to scream enthusiastically. That’s when we
realized that the crowd was almost all men, and they were waving rainbow flags.
It was a gay pride parade and “The Queen” was a six-foot-two, two-hundred-sixty-five-pound
drag queen who looked like he should be an offensive lineman in the NFL. No
wonder they needed eight guys.

The queen got onto her chariot and we picked up her heavy
butt. We all realized at that point that we were about to really earn our six
hundred and seventy-five dollars. We started down the parade route, and already
we were straining to keep this drag queen up. We turned the first corner onto
the main parade route. That’s when we realized that this parade was over a
two-mile hike!

We were cheered on by thousands of gay guys, and heard them
say things like, “Hey, I like the one in the yellow” or “Hey, you in the
orange, what’s your sign?” We had to laugh, and that was the only thing that
got us through. Well, that and the money.

About halfway down the parade route, we saw a national news
camera videotaping the parade. I was third back on the left. My friend was
first on the left. I couldn’t help but seize the opportunity when we passed the
news crew. I let go of the chariot, ran up behind my friend, and yanked his
non-manly spandex shorts down. He was pissed! The crowd, however, went nuts for
his nuts! I was running around the chariot waving to the crowd, and they went
even crazier! Luckily for me, my friend couldn’t let go of the chariot because
I had already done so, and two guys on one side was not enough to keep the
chariot aloft. I went back to my station and grabbed the chariot. We continued
on the route and finished up. We got our money, but my friend was not happy. He
didn’t talk to me for more than three weeks.

Roadshow from Hell

Toward the end of my career, I started to see many signs it
was time for me to quit. After twenty years of dancing, I started to experience
incidents that had never happened before. For example, we did a roadshow where
there was no sound system. Having done a show before at this bar, I assumed that
they would have the same setup. After realizing this problem, they called their
mobile karaoke company. About an hour after the original show time, we finally
had a sound system, but no mic. It was the first show where I had to yell each
guy’s intro.