Taken by You (10 page)

The funeral ended and the pa
llbearers carried her father’s casket to the hearse, which everyone followed to the grave site. It was in a shady corner of the cemetery and it felt tranquil. It would be a good resting place for her dad.

The minister said a few more words about eternity and her dad’s relationship with the Lord. It brought Kate back to her childhood and her dad taking her to church when she was a small girl. She hadn’t thought about that in
many years. She was confused as to how this seemingly good and generous man could have abandoned her and her brother. The only information that she had to go on was what her mom had told her. She was going to need to investigate before she returned home. She hoped that John could answer her questions. If anyone could shed light on what went on in her dad’s head, it was him.

The plan after the funeral was for everyone in the family to go to a cafeteria-style restaurant. About
three dozen people were there, sharing their favorite stories about her dad. Kate felt strange that she couldn’t think of any stories to share. She wanted to scream out that this was so unfair. They all had the deep relationship with her dad and she and her brother had been denied. They didn’t even know the man. It was more than she could stand so she excused herself to the bathroom. She stood there staring at herself, wondering how she had arrived at this moment in her life. Kate felt a tiredness that went beyond fatigue, seep into her bones. She felt an overwhelming ache of despair and regret. Neil popped his head in the door. “Kate, are you okay? You’ve been in here a long time.”

“Come in. I’m alone.”

Neil entered the ladies room and stood behind her. He hugged her from behind and placed his chin on her shoulder. “I was getting worried about you.”

“It just all became too much for me. I had to get away,” she said
, looking at his eyes in the mirror. “I didn’t mean to worry you.”

“I’ll always worry about you
, baby. I love you so much. I hate to see you hurting. I just want to make it all go away.”

The sincerity in his eyes was her undoing. She turned around to embrace him. He held her tightly as she sobbed in his arms. After a few minutes, she pulled back a little to look into his eyes.

“I feel like something isn’t adding up. That man that everyone has been praising isn’t the man I knew. They talked about how much my dad helped them and was there for them. He was never like that with my brother or me. I want to know why.”

“There may not be an answer for that
,” Neil replied, moving a strand of hair away from her eyes. “Sometimes it can’t be explained why people do what they do.”

“Well, I plan on asking John. He and my dad were very close.”

“Good plan, baby. I’m sure that he will tell you anything that he can to fill you in.”

“I better fix my makeup and go back out there. I’ll be out in a minute
,” she said, exhaling loudly.

“Okay
. I’ll be waiting for you.” He left and she suddenly felt a rush of coldness where his body had been covering her.

She turned toward her purse
, which was on the counter, and took out her makeup, reapplying where she needed. Once she was satisfied, she rejoined Neil and the others in the restaurant.

John indicated that he was ready to go whenever she was.
She had been ready about five minutes after getting there. She started making her goodbyes to the relatives that had come to the restaurant and then she headed home, thankful that Neil had decided to come.

Chapter 13

As everyone was worn out from the emotions that had been exerted at the funeral, the car ride home was quiet. Kate’s mood was understandably somber given the conflicting view of her father, and as she stared out the window, she wondered if she would ever understand how he could have not been there for his own children. Neil took her hand and pulled her close to him. She leaned against her rock.

Aunt Donna had go
ne home for a while, but would join them later for dinner. Other relatives planned on coming over later in the evening for a family potluck.

Going up the stairs, Kate
approached John to see if she could talk to him about her dad. As they sat in the living room, he asked, “What do you want to know?”

“Honestly, I
’m trying to reconcile the father that I knew with the wonderful man that was described today at the funeral. They seem to be two different people. My dad was not generous to us, but he showed extreme generosity to the rest of the family. He was never there for us, but he went out of his way for everyone else who attended his funeral. Do you know why he was so different with the children that he brought into this world?”

Eric chimed in
, agreeing with what Kate had expressed. “He was a poor excuse of a father,” he said. “We didn’t experience any of the kindness spoken of today.”

John hung his head down for a
long moment. He didn’t answer right away, seeming to think about the best way to respond her question. “It’s complicated because life is messy and we don’t always know how to clean up the mess that we have created.”

“So are you saying that Eric and I
were his mess?”

“No, not at all. His relationship with your mother is the culprit in all of this.”

“John, I need to know why my father hasn’t bothered with us for the past ten years,” Kate said.

“Your dad was a guy who was able to fix everything. He built houses for a living, so it was his job to problem solve. Trust me, many problems arise when building a home.”

“Okay, what does that have to do with us?” Kate asked, her brows furrowed.

“Basically, your dad couldn’t fix his marriage with your mom. He couldn’t please her and she ended up betraying him. What happened between them to a certain extent ruined his life. He was never the same after they divorced and being close to you and Eric reminded him of his failure to fix his marriage
and what your mom did. He just couldn’t deal with it, so he turned his back on you both.”

“What do you mean by betraying him?”

“I think you need to talk to your mom about that,” John answered carefully.

Kate put her hands on her face, exasperated by this information. She was torn between her emotions of feeling sorry for him and pissed that he didn’t decide to man up and be a father. And what could her mom have possible done to betray him?
The only thing she could come up with was cheating. Her mom just didn’t seem like the type.

“This is completely ridiculous. A lot of people fail at marriage, but they don’t abandon their children
,” Kate said.

Neil stroked her back as she leaned forward
and put her elbows on her knees. She held her head in her hands for a moment, processing the simplicity of John’s explanation.

“So, Eric and I didn’t get to have our dad in our lives
because he felt like a failure?”

Her anger was bubbling up like lava in a volcano ready to explode.

“Your dad was broken and he never recovered from losing your mom. You reminded him so much of her. He just couldn’t take it, so he stopped being your father,” John said, unsure of what else to say.

“Well, our parents divorcing broke our hearts
, too. Eric and I were also the victims here.”

“
I agree. You were the victims, but your dad could only feel his own pain. He had no idea about your pain. This whole situation broke him apart. I now see that this was the beginning of the end for him. He had to live vicariously through Donna to know anything about you two. I think it’s the reason that he died at sixty. His huge heart that had given so much to so many people and he couldn’t handle the fact that he had chosen to abandon his own children. He loved you both very much.”

Kate leaned back against Neil. She couldn’t come up with anything else to say to John.

“Baby, are you okay?” Neil inquired softly.

“No, I’m not. For years I have thought that my father didn’t love us or want to have us in his life. Now it boils down to either
he didn’t take care of his own mental health or he was too much of a coward to be in our lives. Either way, it sucks and I can’t do anything about it.”

She reached over to her brother
, who was sitting quietly next to her. He turned toward Kate when he felt her hand on his forearm. She was looking for his reaction to this news, but he seemed to be numb.

“Eric, what are you thinking right now?” she probed
, lightly stroking his arm.

“I don’t know what to think. I actually feel bad for the guy. He missed out on a relationship with us because of his own frailties. It’s sad that he was so successful in his business life but couldn’t handle his personal life that well.”

“You have to keep in mind that this isn’t a reflection upon you. Your dad couldn’t own up to his mistakes,” John said with great sorrow in his eyes. “He just couldn’t handle it.”

“All this time I thought that he was either mentally ill or he just didn’t love me
, but instead he allowed bitterness to decimate his life and damage ours in the process too.”

John got up. “I think we could all use a drink right now. We have white wine, beer, and scotch. What would you all like?”

Each person chimed in with their order and Neil got up to help John. Kate and Eric sat motionless on the sofa, trying to absorb what John had said.

John’s wife
Cathy hadn’t said anything the entire time. She looked Kate in the eyes and her words spilled. “Kate, Eric, I really believe that your dad had been depressed for a long time and wasn’t treated for it. He had stopped taking care of himself and nothing mattered in his life. About six months ago we went to visit him in Florida. We were up late talking one night and he cried and cried that he couldn’t change things. He hated himself for not being in your lives, but he just didn’t have the skills to reach out to you.”

Kate wanted to be angry with her dad
but having experienced such raw grief and disengaging from life, she was starting to come to terms with herself, that perhaps her dad was not as uncaring as she thought. Maybe, he truly didn’t have any strategies, as Dr. Cox talks of, to apply towards healing himself in his grief.

John and Neil returned carrying the drinks. Neil handed Kate her wine and Eric a beer. He went back to the kitchen to retrieve his scotch. John handed Cathy her wine and sat next to her on the love seat.

No one said anything for several minutes. Kate finished her wine and John told her that there was more in the kitchen if she wanted another glass. She got up, walked to the kitchen, and poured herself another glass, hoping it would take the edge off. Somehow, she knew that there wasn’t enough wine in the world to squelch the disappointment and anger that she felt at this moment.

Neil joined her in the kitchen as she drank down some of the wine and refilled her glass. “
Kate, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Tell me what I can do to help.”

“You’
re already doing it by being here for me. I don’t know what I would do without you,” she said putting her head against his chest. “Thank you so much for coming to be with me. You have no idea what it means to me that you are here.”

All she wanted was to be in his arms, away from all the harshness of this day.

“I think it might be good for you to lie down for a while. Why don’t we retreat to the downstairs?”

“You’re right
…”

Neil followed her from the kitchen back to the living room.

“John, thank you for being honest with me. I’m going to lie down for a little while before everyone gets here. We’ll be downstairs if any of you need us.”

John got up and hugged Kate. “I’m so sorry for all of this. Just know that if he could have changed things he would have done it in a heartbeat
,” he said.

Kate nodded. What could she say to that? Her brother followed her lead and retired to his room as well, no doubt to reflect on the day’s events.

Kate and Neil went down to the basement and closed the door behind them. Neil took her hand and led her toward the bed.

“Baby, you’re shaking,” he said, wrapping her hands in his.

She looked up at him. “It’s just all too much. I can’t take it,” she cried, her head plunging forward to his chest. “I just can’t believe that I lost years of having a relationship with my dad because he couldn’t fix his marriage with my mom. It seems so senseless. Over fifty percent of marriages fail and somehow most people find a way to still be parents to their children.”

Neil wrapped his arms around her and held her tight for a long moment.

“Here, let’s have you lie down and rest for a while. It might make you feel better.”

He pulled the covers back and then began taking off her shoes. Once they were off, he looked into her eyes. “I just want to hold you and make you feel safe.”

Kate got into bed and Neil joined her. She put her head on his chest and wrapped her arm and leg around him. She could feel his erection under her leg and she wanted to make love to him, but not in her cousin’s house where they might be overheard or possibly walked in on.