Tales Before Tolkien (12 page)

“Oh dear, oh dear!” yelled Juff, “I didn't do it—I didn't mean to—I wasn't there—it was somebody else.” And he howled in abject terror; but Joe, having once invoked his grandmother's petticoat, which was the most solemn form of adjuration known among the Brown family, hesitated no longer, but dashed out the brains of the miserable Dwarf with his staff immediately.

But the mention of the garment which had caused all his troubles made Joe recollect that it was still fastened to his waist, and indeed he had found it rather inconvenient during his late exertions. Moreover, he had now fully made up his mind to attack the Ogres in their castle, but he did not see how he was likely to get the petticoat mended with Fairy silk
there,
and he determined to retrace his steps to the Fairy Green and there leave it. The spring appeared to bubble up rather more merrily when he stepped upon the green, but there was still a melancholy look about the place. Joe spread the garment carefully out before the spring, and, as he found the Fairies always spoke in rhyme, thought he would try his own hand at it, and accordingly spoke thus—

“With Fairy silk this petticoat,

They tell me, must be mended;

And thus the girl on whom I doat

Will find her sorrows ended.

To get it mended therefore now

My one incessant care is;

So please inform me where and how,

You dear delightful Fairies!”

And Joe felt rather proud of himself after this first attempt at rhyming, which was duly answered by the friendly voice—

“Leave the sacred garment here;

Leave it, youth, and never fear.

To the fight thyself devote,

Leave to us the petticoat!”

Thus reassured, Joe left the petticoat on the green, shouldered his oaken staff, and marched on. Through the wood he toiled up the gradual ascent, till, without interruption, he came very near to the castle of the Ogres.

As he came up to the gate, he heard a great noise, and having put on his glove, he quietly entered the courtyard, in which he found the two Ogres, Grindbones and Smashman, playing at bowls with petrified men's heads; whilst their three remaining servants, whose names were Grimp, Grump, and Gruby, were in attendance, and the two Dwarfs, seated on a low stone bench, looking on. There, then, were all his enemies at once; but Joe knew that caution was necessary. When invisible, he could only use his staff, or his course might have been easier; but no two of the three gifts could be used at the same time: moreover, he mistrusted Gandleperry, whose cunning was evidently superior to that of all the rest. He therefore remained quiet, silently turning over in his mind what was the best thing to do next, when, to his disgust, Grindbones presently turned round and said aloud—

“Now, you Dwarfs, it is time for you to go and tease Puss-cat Mew. Where's that fellow Juff? Man's eyes and cheeks! he is never here to the time!”

With a wily leer Gandleperry replied—

“He is out after that poor fool of a Mortal, whom he will probably entice here soon; but Jumper and I are enough to tease that conceited Fairy minx. I wish our power was great enough to allow us to touch her; wouldn't we tear her flesh for her, and make that pretty face rather different!”

And with a fearful scowl he and Jumper left the seat and entered the house.

Joe instantly perceived that this was his chance of discovering his darling. Keeping on his glove, he followed the two Dwarfs into the house, down a stone passage, till they came to a flight of stairs—at the top of which Gandleperry suddenly stopped, and exclaimed to his companion:

“Did you hear anything, Jumper? I thought I heard a step; and there's an uncommon smell of Mortal here, too!”

“No,” replied Jumper, “I heard nothing; and as to a smell of Mortal, I should be surprised if there wasn't, for don't you remember how the alderman, whom the Ogres caught yesterday, was chased up and down by the servant Ogres to make him tender? Here it was they worried him at last, and I should think the place would smell for a week.”

Gandleperry made no reply, but taking a lucifer-box from a shelf in the wall, struck a light, and, with candle in hand, descended the steps, and Jumper after him. Joe cautiously followed, and counted thirty steps, at the bottom of which they came to a low door, which Gandleperry opened by means of a key which he took from Jumper, who carried it at his belt. They all three entered, and Joe could hardly restrain his passion at the sight which met his eyes. On a low chair, in the middle of a vaulted room, lighted only by a dim lamp fixed in the wall, sat Puss-cat Mew. She seemed only the wreck of her former self. Her tortoiseshell skin was no longer bright and glossy, her eyes no longer sparkled with their old joyous, loving light; she sat with her head supported by one of her paws, and sorrow and suffering were written on her countenance. A tin can of cold water was by her side, and an untasted loaf with it.

“Now, prisoner,” said Jumper, “how are you to-day, my minnikin Miss?”

Then Gandleperry seated himself cross-legged opposite her on the floor, put a thumb into each waistcoat-pocket, approached his face so near to her that Joe longed to attack him, and with a malicious grin, leering up into her face, thus accosted her—

“Pettikin, dear, how is she this nice, bright day? Oh, how lovely it is in the forest! Birds are singing, the sun is shining, flowers are blossoming—oh,
so
delightful it is! And here is poor Pussy sitting all alone in a nasty damp dungeon! Where's her Joe now, eh? You little meek-faced beast!—you can't get out!—no, not a bit of it! And, I say, what do you think? Here's a bit of news for you! Joe's caught! Oh yes, he is! Such a go! Ain't the Ogres just pleased! Joe-giblets for soup! Joe's feet and ears cold for breakfast! Roast loin of Joe for dinner! Joe and onions for the servant Ogres, and Joe's head and brains for the dear little Dwarfs! And then Puss-cat Mew will have to marry the nice, kind, handsome old Ogre that beats all his wives till their bones are broken and their flesh is tender, and then has them made into pies to take but for luncheon when he goes shooting! O you pet Puss-cat!—Miaw-aw-aw.”

And the Dwarf put out his tongue at the poor victim, and imitated the mewing of a cat. Joe was fearfully enraged, but he felt that everything depended upon his prudence, and he therefore restrained himself, and waited.

Puss-cat Mew made no answer to these taunts at first, but only sighed. As Gandleperry, however, continued, and Jumper chimed in with even coarser insults, she spoke at last in a soft voice and said,—

“You do well, wretched creatures, to abuse one who is permitted for a time to be in your power, but your own hour of sorrow and misfortune may be near, and then you will remember Puss-cat Mew.”

This remark had but little effect upon the Dwarfs, and they continued to tease and revile the poor Lady for half an hour, during which time Joe stood still near the door, grinding his teeth with vexation. It was, however, fortunate for him that he had waited, for an event now occurred, than which nothing could have served him better. The crafty Gandleperry had long been dissatisfied with his position in the Ogres' castle with respect to the two other Dwarfs, whose presence deprived him of the large share of Mortal heads and brains which he desired, and who, moreover, were inclined to side together against the superiority over them which he claimed. He had therefore long determined to get rid of one or other of them upon the first opportunity, and the time seemed to him to have now arrived. When they had tormented poor Puss-cat Mew till they could think of nothing else, Gandleperry told Jumper to go before him up the stairs, and he would fasten the door; and as the latter did so, Joe saw with horror that Gandleperry drew a sharp knife from his belt, and struck his brother Dwarf a fearful blow over the shoulder into the neck. With an unearthly yell, Jumper fell to the ground; but he never yelled again, for Gandleperry jumped on him and cut his throat in a moment, as if he had been a pig! He then dragged him back into the dungeon, and making a horrible face at Puss-cat Mew, said to her—

“Here is a nice companion for you, Pettikin; pray be kind to him till I have time to fetch him away or bury him! He won't make a noise or disturb you! Ta-ta!”

And he kissed his hand to the poor creature in fearful mockery! But his triumph was short. Joe now saw the opportunity he had so long waited for, and a tremendous blow upon the head stretched Gandleperry senseless and bleeding upon the body of his murdered mate, and avenged the insults he had heaped upon the unfortunate prisoner.

Joe drew off his glove in a moment, and with a purr of joy Puss-cat Mew rushed into his arms. They had, however, no time to talk or to think of happy things. Five deadly enemies were alive, and there was no safety yet.

Puss-cat Mew told Joe that she had no power to help him now, and that he must judge and act for himself. “No one,” she said, “would come near her dungeon again till late in the evening, when one or both of the chief Ogres, after their dinner, might probably come down to laugh at her.”

Joe could not bear to leave her with the bodies of the Dwarfs, neither could he take her up where she would be seen by the Ogres; he therefore locked the door of the dungeon, and left her at the bottom of the stairs till she should hear of him again, telling her at the same time to come up directly if she heard him call. Then, again putting on his glove, he ascended the stairs. In the dining-room, which was on the first floor, and a pleasant room enough, sat the two chief Giants, each on one side of a round table, with dishes and plates before them. Joe just peeped in, and then creeping down again, saw the three servant Ogres sitting sleepily over the fire in the servants' hall. He advanced very quietly, and, after a few moments, found that the lazy fellows were really all dozing. He therefore took off his glove, and, taking out his snuff-box, went behind the chair of one, and, opening the box, held it so immediately under his nose that its strength actually prevented his sneezing, and sent him to sleep more soundly than ever. Joe had previously stuffed his own nose quite full of the cotton-wool in which the box had been wrapped; and thus feeling secure from the effects of the snuff, he held the box under the nose of each of the servant Ogres until they were all buried in slumbers which would render them harmless for some time to come. Then Joe put on his glove again, and walked up to the dining-room, where the two chief Ogres were at dinner. They were very merry, for they were feasting off the alderman of whose fate Joe had lately heard, and who seemed to have been fat enough to have been Lord Mayor. There was a smoking haunch of alderman upon the table, to which both the Ogres seemed to have paid great attention, and they were accompanying the meal with deep draughts of some strong spirit. Joe advanced slowly to the table, and stood for a short time watching the monsters.

“Flesh and brains!” said the elder of the two, “but this Mortal was fat and well-to-do. I wish all Mortals were as fat and juicy.”

“Yes,” replied the other; “they would be choice morsels then, and not like that vile pedlar the other day, who was all skin and bone.”

And so ran the discourse of the creatures upon their dreadful meal, until Joe sickened with disgust. Having eaten and drunk heartily, the Ogres threw themselves back in their chairs, extended their legs, and in a few moments snored loudly, making so hideous a noise that Joe could compare it to nothing but a hundred fat hogs rolled into one, and all grunting at the same time. When he saw them thus, Joe boldly drew off his glove, and taking a full handful of the snuff in his hands, instantly flung it into the face and eyes, one after the other, of both his enemies. And so much more went into their eyes than up their noses, the effect was not to send them to sleep, but to half-blind them, and put them in a furious passion. Quick as lightning Joe had his glove on again, whilst the Giants, both jumping up at the same moment, overset the table with a tremendous crash, and roared for their servants, who, however, could not awake if they wished to, and therefore never came.

“Did you throw something at me, nephew?” asked old Grindbones.

“Certainly not,” replied the young Ogre.

“Then the Fairies have played us some trick! What is it? Where are they? Confound this stuff!” said Grindbones, and he stamped violently on the floor, and roared again for Grimp, Grump, and Gruby. “Stay,” said he; “man's marrowbones! I will know the cause of this!” and he walked through a door which led into a room close by, whilst the younger Ogre sank back into his chair, growling to himself and, not having had so much snuff as his uncle, being rather more disposed for sleep; and having withal drunk heavily of the spirits, he began to nod again.

But the old Ogre had gone to fetch something in which he had great trust. It was a tame Magpie, from whom nothing was invisible, and who would soon tell him if anything was wrong. He took her out of her cage, and hastened back to the room where he had left his nephew. But no Magpie was needed to tell him what was going on. As soon as Smashman began to show signs of sleep, Joe, feeling that there was no time to lose, drew off his glove, drew out his steel dagger, and, stepping speedily but quietly behind his chair, plunged the weapon up to the hilt in his throat. The Ogre gave a loud sobbing sound, half screech, half speech, and as Joe plucked out the dagger, his head fell forward and the blood gushed from a fearful wound. It was at this moment that the old Ogre entered the room from the side door by which he had left it, and saw in a moment what had happened. In an instant he rushed upon Joe with a dreadful howl, but Joe sheathed his dagger and popped on his glove just in time to escape him, and made for the door. As he rushed towards it, however, the Magpie, seated on the Ogre's shoulder, shouted out to him—

“This way, Master, to the door that opens on to the stairs. I can see him,—quick! quick!” And so well did the old fellow follow her directions, that Joe only just got through the door in time, and dashed down stairs, calling at the top of his voice for Puss-cat Mew to follow him out of the castle. Down he rushed, out of the door, into the yard; but as ill-luck would have it, a nail in the doorpost caught his glove, which fell from his hand, and as he rushed from the yard the Ogre saw him, and, no longer wanting the eyes of the Magpie to help him, rushed furiously in pursuit, making the forest re-echo with his hideous cries of rage.