Tales From a Broad (9 page)

“We’re from New York,” I answered in my best
Audrey Hepburn impression. “City.” I straightened up and tossed my
hair over my shoulder. I needed him to know that we were on his
playing field. I also hoped to impress my niece while I was at it.
Especially, after my pathetic display the other night in
Amsterdam.

“Ah, very nice.” He inserted keys into a
folder. “You will certainly approve of our hotel and find it quite
delightful. The view of the Seine is simply divine.”

“Oh, I’m sure,” Tess gushed. “We’re easy to
please. We’ve been doing the hostel thing for the past week, so
anything’s an improvement!”

As Tess twirled her unwashed hair, Claude
gave her a not-so-subtle once over and paused for a moment with the
folder mid-air. He turned to his colleague and began speaking in
French.

I leaned on the counter next to a wheeling
rack holding several Chanel, Fendi, and Jimmy Choo shopping bags.
It looked like someone had had a field day on the
Champs-Élysées.

“Oh my gawd,” cried the woman who’d been
standing next to us. “I couldn’t help but ova-hear. We’re from New
Yawk, too. Yous are gonna doy when you see the riva view. I feel
like we’re staying on the Hudson.”

Considering that the Hudson is notorious for
its brown filth, I wasn’t so sure she drew a kind comparison.

I watched the men behind the counter exchange
a look of disapproval.

“How nice,” I politely murmured. After our
faux pas of not speaking the language, I certainly didn’t want to
be associated with anyone who spoke our own language
incorrectly.

Claude turned back to us, removed the keys
from the folder, reinserted them into his machine, and punched in a
code. “Enjoy your stay at
Le Palais
.” He handed the key to
us with a flourish.

“Will you be needing help with your...” He
pointed down at our clunky backpacks, which had shed a fine layer
of dust on the hotel’s immaculate floor. “Luggage?”

He quickly withdrew his finger. It was as if
he feared a bedbug would pop out and bite it off.

“We’re fine, thank you,” I answered.

A few minutes and three flights of stairs
later, we walked into the room.

“Wow, wow, wow,” Tess said. She fell face
first onto one of the big queen poster beds.

“Ack! Didn’t your mother ever teach you not
to lay on one of these dirty bedspreads?” I scratched my head. “The
first thing I do when I get to any hotel is flip the bedspread and
sanitize the toilet seat. If these rooms could speak,” I shivered
at the thought. “Just think of what goes on in here.”

“Okay, okay.” Tess gave me the hand and
jumped off the bed. “Thank you for that visual.”

“Just protecting my little niecie.” I smiled
sweetly, heading to the large windows. “And now for the most
spectacular view in all of Paris. Drum roll please.”

I dramatically ripped open the curtains and
heard Tess gasp behind me. “What the—”

“Fuck,” I finished. “This is a good
view?”

I pointed my finger towards our magnificent
view of an alley behind a restaurant. “Unless the river view is
that stream coming from those pots of water the kitchen staff are
pouring onto the street, we are in the wrong room,” I declared.

“It’s okay.” Tess sighed. “It’s not like
we’re going to be spending all of our time in here, anyway. This
room is still fabulous, and I can’t say thank—”

“That’s not the point. I think he downgraded
us because he thought we were dumb American backpackers. Well, no
one is going to make a fool out of me.” I picked up the phone.

Tess pressed her cheek on the glass. “Aunt
Lu, if you look all the way left, you can kind of see a glimmer of
water.” I knew she was probably hoping to appease me, and I waved
my hand in response.

“Bonjour
,” said the operator who
answered my call. “
Puis-je vous aider?
”

“May I please speak to Claude? We were
promised a spectacular river view, and I think there may have been
a slight mistake,” I said as I smiled into the phone.

“I’m sorry,
Mademoiselle
, but Claude
is with another guest. May I help you?”

“Actually, I’ll come down and wait.”

Five minutes later, Claude wore a strained
smile on his face as he watched me approach the front desk.
Clearly, he had been warned I was on my way.

“Bonjour, Mademoiselle
. Colette said
you were not pleased with your room?”

“The view,” I corrected.

“Ah, I see,” he nodded. “Even though you can
see the river?”

“Not without sticking my head out the
window,” I answered with artificial gaiety as I skewered him with
my eyes.

“I’m sorry to hear that. You have one of our
finest rooms in our hotel, but if you are that unhappy....” He held
up a new key.

“Thank you.” I exhaled and reached for the
key.

“This key will grant you access to our
rooftop where you can enjoy a 365-degree view of Paris.
Complementary coffee and tea are served from seven o’ clock—”

“Wait,” I insisted. “This will also lead to a
new room, right?”

“I’m afraid not,
Mademoiselle
. There
are no rooms with a better view.” A flicker of fear crossed
Claude’s face. His face, once irritatingly handsome, was now just
irritating.

“But you said,”—I paused to draw in a
breath—“that our view was spectacular
before
you changed our
keys at check-in. Were my niece and I not worthy of your finest?
Was it because she said we were backpackers?”

“No, as I said—”

“I know what you said and it is
not
acceptable. Our stay is a gift for my niece, and if I wanted to
stare at the back of a filthy kitchen, I would have stayed at one
of
her
youth hostels.”

As angry as I was, I still wanted to make one
thing clear: I had nothing to do with her previous choices of
lodging. Claude’s upper lip curled up ever so slightly as he
listened to me speak.

“Don’t you judge me,
Claude,
with your
perfect”—I waved my hand in front of him—“everything.”

“Just so you know,” my hand remained in the
air as if I were testifying, “I don’t usually look like this. I
know I need tweezers. They took it away on the airplane. Silly me
thought plucking stray hairs in the natural sunlight would be a
bonus. Like I’m really going to hijack the plane with a
Tweezerman?”

Claude folded his arms across his chest and
tapped his lips with a finger. A smile tugged at the corners of his
mouth.

“In Amsterdam, I had to use a three-minute
token to take a shower. And do you know what my window overlooked?
A view of an apartment where an old man was not a fan of wearing
pants.”

All the pent up agony and exhaustion of the
past week exploded from me. I knew I was ranting, but I was
powerless to stop myself. I hadn’t exactly been sleeping well in
those hostels, and the emotional rollercoaster and stress of
getting through the supposed wedding day had caught up to me.

Claude had covered his entire mouth with his
fingers, but I could still see the crinkles around his eyes.

“I may sound like a drama queen to you, but
my dear Claude,” I said with my eye narrowing as I paused to take a
breath, “If I don’t get a room with a freaking view, I am going to
lose my shit
.”

The phone rang, and Claude held up a finger.
“Excuse me for a moment, please.” He lunged for the phone.

“Ahem,” I heard a voice behind me.

I turned around and came face-to-face with
the handsome man I had met in London, when I had come close to
verbally assaulting a store employee. What were the odds? He even
wore the same Yankee hat and shit-eating grin.

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. Feeling like
a fool for the second time, I subtly wiped the trickle of sweat
that had formed on my upper lip.

“I ... I didn’t realize anyone was waiting
behind me. What are you doing here?” I stammered, mortified but
also still on a rage, high from my adrenaline-fueled tirade. “How
long have you been standing there?”

He looked amused as a smile teased his lips.
“Long enough to see that the angry American strikes again.” He
nodded his head in Claude’s direction. “I never saw anyone answer a
phone so fast in my life.” He winked at me. “Is there a problem
with your room?”

“The room’s fine, it’s just that...” I closed
my eyes and shook my head. “I’m really not an angry person.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Forgive me. I don’t
know where I got that idea from. Not that it’s any of my business,
of course.”

“Of course,” I responded with a fake
smile.

I turned my attention back to Claude who was
still on the phone. Through the reflection of a mirror behind the
desk, I could see Tess headed towards me. She was carrying two
coffees and walked beside a man. As she got closer, I realized it
was Mark and couldn’t help but feel a bubble of happiness rising
inside of me. I was excited for her to have a new love interest and
relieved to be saved from the Yankee behind me.

“Hi Mark,” I called out as I turned around.
“How funny that you ran into each other already.” I winked at
Tess.

“Yeah, really,” Yankee answered. “That was
quick.”

I shot him a look. Mind your
business
.

“Hey Lucy,” Mark said, greeting me with a
kiss on the cheek. “I see you’ve already met Simon?” He handed a
cup of coffee to the Yankee.

“Sort of,” I answered and felt my throat
catch as I realized who the baseball cap guy was. “Is this
your—”

“Brother,” Simon said, flashing his perfect
grin. “How do you do?” He extended his hand.

“Nice to meet you.” I clenched my teeth and
accepted his hand.

I flashed back to the night I met Mark when
he had said that I just missed his brother who’d gone off to the
store. I hadn’t put two and two together and realized he’d walked
into the same store I’d had.

“But why do you wear a Yankee hat if you’re
from Chicago?” I blurted out the first foolish thing that popped
into my head.

“My dad was born and raised in the Bronx. Is
that okay with you?”

“This is my niece, Tess.”

I pulled my hand away and lunged for one of
the coffees she held. Her eyes shone as she greeted Simon. There
was no mistaking that Mark’s presence made her glow.

Simon pointed towards Claude, who had just
hung up the phone. “Do you mind if I ask him something real
quick?”

“Go nuts,” I said dryly.

“So,” Tess began, flashing me a quizzical
look. “Were you able to change rooms?”

“No, he claims there are no rooms left that
have a view. Whatever.” I rolled my eyes. “Mark, have you checked
in yet?”

“Yes, we checked in this morning, threw our
bags down, and went for a walk. We haven’t even unzipped our bags
and already managed to lock ourselves out.” He pointed a thumb
towards his brother’s back.

I couldn’t help but chuckle. “How’s
your
view?”

“Pretty spectacular I have to admit.” Mark
cringed and gave us an apologetic look.

“Was
pretty spectacular,” Simon said,
joining the conversation. He dangled a key in front of me.

“What’s this?” I said. “Trying to pick me
up?”

Both Mark and Tess laughed, but Simon just
shrugged, his eyes twinkling again.

“I am offering you our room,” he said with a
tiny half bow that suddenly had me thinking of princes and courtly
manners. For the first time, I looked Simon square in the face and
was taken aback by the kindness in his big brown eyes.

“Simon, don’t be ridiculous,” I said.

“Yes, stay with us,” Mark pleaded. “The more
the merrier.” He looked longingly at Tess.

“What I meant,” Simon said, shooting his
brother a look, “is that you can have our room, and we will have
yours. A new room with a new view.”

“Oh. Yes, be ridiculous,” Tess said. “That’s
so nice of you!”

I stepped on her toe.

“Good idea,” Mark agreed. “Not as clever as
mine...” He laughed and said, “but still good, nonetheless. A view
is wasted on two guys who would rather sleep with the curtains tied
closed.”

Simon nodded. “I barely even noticed the
view,” he confessed.

“We couldn’t,” I said, out of principal
alone.

“I think you could manage,” Simon said,
narrowing his eyes. “Obviously, it means more to you than it does
to us. I work at a camp and spend most of my summers sleeping on
top of a cobweb-covered bunk bed. We can roll anywhere.”

“A camp?” I said before I could stop myself.
I recovered quickly. “I mean, um, we can roll anywhere, too. Right,
Tess?”

This time it was her turn to shoot me a
look.

Simon raised his eyebrows and gave me a
sideways glance. “I somehow find that hard to believe.”

I wondered where this thirtysomething grown
man, a camp counselor sporting a baseball cap, came off judging me.
Wasn’t he too old to be working odd jobs, anyway?

Sensing she needed to run interference, Tess
quickly spoke. “It’s just that she,
we
, would feel bad
taking your room away from you.”

Simon groaned and downed the last of the
coffee he had been chugging. “Mark, can you please talk some sense
into these crazy women? I’m going to ditch this.” He waved the
empty cup.

We watched Simon walk towards a trashcan by
the lobby exit. For a moment, I lost my train of thought when I
couldn’t help noticing, despite myself, he had a really nice
ass.

“Honestly, guys,” Mark said, “we really don’t
need it. That’s all there is to it.”

Mark’s phone rang and as he stepped away to
take the call, and Tess placed a hand on my arm. “Please, Aunt Lu,”
she whispered. “Just take it. Simon’s being so sweet and I really
like Mark. Can you please be a little nicer to his brother?” It
wasn’t like Tess to reprimand her elders, and I felt a little
foolish.