Tales from the Land of Ooo (3 page)

Ugh. Anyway. SIDETRACKED! Now my lumps are grumps. So, that’s IT! NO MORE writing today!

I’ll just sum everything up real quick and say yes, my life is totes glamsville. You should probably be a lot more like me, and I’m dying a little on the inside because I know you never will be.

Okay, that’s it. That’s the excerpt. That’s ALL you get without buying the whole book.

Peace out, loves!

BUMPS!

THE END!

Finn and Jake had just gotten
whupped
. They were slowly making their way back through the Cotton Candy Forest. Finn’s cheeks were bright pink and scuffed up, and Jake’s butt was in a world of rubbery hurt. In short, they did
not
look so hot.

“Those goblins really stomped on our brains,” Finn said.

“Majorly,” Jake said. “I’m off my game, dude.”

“Hey,” Finn said, stopping to look at Jake with all sorts of utmost seriousness. “Don’t you say that, Jake. You are just as awesome as ever.”

“Your support means the universe to me, bro,” Jake said. “And I sincerely appreciate it. But, man, look at us!”

They were standing near a pond, so Finn and Jake stepped over and looked down at their reflections. Staring back at them were, indeed, two
really
beat-up versions of Finn and Jake.

“Convenient pond,” Jake said.

In fact, they were
so
beat-up that a turtle even popped its head up and said, “What happened? Did you guys fall off a cliff and land in a pile of punching fists or something?”

“You shut your butt, turtle!” Jake shouted.

“Maybe you’re right,” Finn said to Jake as they continued walking. “Maybe we
are
off our game.”

“Wait, I think it’s
games
,” Jake said. “Plural. ’Cause it’s two of us, and together we’re, like, off our
collective
games.”

“No way,” Finn said. “Game. Single. ’Cause I only know one single game—and that game is
Adventuring and
Slaying Anything That’s Evil
!”

Jake rubbed his chin. “Um. I don’t think that’s totally accurate, dude. What about
Wizard Wars
? And
Adventure Masters
? And
Guardians of Sunshine
? And
Conversation Parade
?”

“Oh yeah,” Finn replied. “Good point. I guess I do know other games. But I’m not
off
of any of
those
games!”

“Right,” Jake said. “Just the important one—the evil-slayin’ game! I think we need practice.”

Finn thought about this for a moment and then said, “You know what? I think you’re right. But that’s okay! Even the most radical of heroes need to practice every now and then. So, Jake,…WHAT TIME IS IT?”

Jake shrugged. “Um. Like, a little before noon, probably.”

Finn stopped and put his hands squarely on his hips. “No, dude.”

“Oh right. Sorry,” Jake muttered. “My noggin is still sort of scrambled from that goblin beating. Stupid goblins. It’s…”

“PRACTICE TIME!”

How can two mighty heroes like Jake and Finn get their practice on? Slaying evil is a real-world thing and most definitely not easy to replicate in a rehearsal-type atmosphere.

But Finn and Jake are smart fellas, and they
came up with a supershrew solution. It was…

Dun dun dun…

F
INN AND
J
AKE’S JUST-FOR-FUN, ONLY-FOR-PRACTICE VILLAIN-VANQUISHING GAUNTLET!!!

A few hours later, the gauntlet was nearly complete. And it was a sick-awesome gauntlet. Finn and Jake built wooden targets of each of their many enemies. When they finished, wooden targets were lining the field in front of their Tree Fort—perfect to test Finn and Jake’s evil-defeating moves.

There were a whole freaking
fartload
of wooden villains, including Ricardio the Heart Guy, Tree Witch, Bucket Knight, Hunson Abadeer, Sir Slicer, Marceline’s annoying ghost friends, Me-Mow, the Lich, and (last but not least) the Ice King.

Jake and Finn looked out at their
just-for-fun, only-for-practice villain-vanquishing gauntlet!!!
, feeling pretty darn proud of themselves. “Dude, those jerks look pretty real,” Jake said.

“Totally. This is gonna be the best practice EVER!” Finn exclaimed.

MEANWHILE…

The Ice King was hiding behind a rock, spying on Finn and Jake. The Ice King had planned on just peeking in on Finn and Jake for a moment and doing a little research for his fan fiction, but now he was intrigued. Because he was looking at something quite odd…he was looking at what, to his eyes, appeared to be a great gathering of villains from across the Land of Ooo and beyond!

“What is this?” the Ice King exclaimed. He looked down at Gunter, who offered no help, saying only, “Wak.”

“Gunter, it looks like all those villains are having a meet-up.”

“Wak.”

“They’re being a bunch of chatty cathies and trading war stories and swapping recipes without me,” the Ice King said, frowning.

“Wak.”

“Argh. C’mon, Gunter. Let’s get closer,” the Ice King said. “We can hide behind that handsome fella at the end there.”

That “handsome fella at the end there,” of course, was the wooden target of the Ice King. But the Ice King, overwhelmed by envy and a driving desire to swap recipes, didn’t even notice. Instead he just crept down the hill, parked his rear end
behind the wooden target, and waited, hoping to catch some good gossip before revealing himself.

MEANWHILE…

Finn said to Jake, “When we’re done running through this practice course, we will totes be ready to crush
whatever
comes our way!”

“Amen, bro!” Jake said.

“All right, you wooden butts!” Finn yelled at the targets. “Prepare to get kicked by non-wooden Finn!”

And Finn was off, punching, kicking, slicing, stabbing, and chopping his way through the gauntlet.

“Heart! Attack!” Finn yelled, slamming a massive kick into Ricardio the Heart Guy and shattering the target
like whoa.

“Hey, Tree Witch, my sword moves are
off the broom handle
!” Finn yelled as he gashed open the Tree Witch target.

“Sir Slicer,” Finn yelled as he held up his hand in perfect karate-chopping form, “meet
Sir Dicer
!

“Me-Mow? NO!
Me
-
Pow
!!!” Finn shouted as he flicked the Me-Mow target way off into the sunset.

MEANWHILE…

The Ice King was in superspy mode. He peered around the wooden target,
still completely unaware he was hiding behind a target of himself.