Tangled Web (16 page)

As she was finding her way away from the
concert venue and was walking around, looking for a bus stop or the
light rail, she texted Heather. She didn’t want to tell her too
much, so she’d simply told her she was tired and had to leave. She
added for Heather to not worry about her, that she’d see her at
home later. She said last that she wanted her to have a great time
with her new friend.

Well, she thought, Heather had asked her to
win the tickets, so they were technically hers. It stood to reason
that Heather should get more out of this than Katie. Katie was
happy for Heather. Just because she felt crushed herself shouldn’t
matter.

But it did. And when Katie got on the light
rail, she found a seat all to herself. It was late, so she figured
that was why it wasn’t crowded on the train. She used her phone to
figure out what station to get off at, but she wound up just riding
for a long while, thinking about the last hour, the last year, the
last couple of decades...

Her phone buzzed--a text message from
Heather. But Katie didn’t read it. She wasn’t ready. She thought
about just turning her phone off and changed her mind. She knew
what it said anyway--Heather would want to know what happened. She
knew Katie too well and would be able to tell she was fibbing, even
if it was just a lousy text.

Katie refused to feel sorry for herself.
She’d meant what she told Johnny, that her life was finally what it
should be. And she really shouldn’t feel bad for herself. She’d
always dreamed of being with Johnny and she’d gotten her wish. Now
she had to decide if she was okay being a “port girl.”

Ridiculous. Of course she’d never be
satisfied with just being someone he could screw once every few
years. But that thought always led to the next one: that Johnny was
probably just full of shit, that she’d hurt him so deeply, scarred
him so that he wasn’t about to be vulnerable with her again. So it
would probably be another year or two--whenever he came back to
Colorado--that she would clear out this mistake. But would it be
too late? Would he even let her, or was their friendship as it had
once been now over?

Her phone buzzed again--another text from
Heather. Katie knew if she didn’t text back that Heather would then
call. Rather than have to ignore the call, she turned the phone
off. Then she wouldn’t feel guilty or compelled to answer.

And her thoughts jerked back to Johnny. She
decided that maybe she’d instead give it a week or so, then call
his mom and get current contact information from him. Or maybe
she’d see if she could track him down in May when classes were out.
What they’d have to say would be better said in person.

She didn’t know what to do. She knew that
she needed a good night’s sleep. Rest would help her think
clearly.

No matter when she chose to talk to Johnny,
she’d have more apologizing to do, more than she’d thought at first
she’d had to. God, he must have thought she was such a callous,
heartless bitch. And how would she ever be able to convince him
otherwise?

Or had he really meant what he said? That
she was a nice fuck, and he’d see her in a year or so? Had their
friendship degenerated into that?

But that didn’t seem like Johnny. She’d
known him for far too long to think that was who he’d really
become. Then again, they didn’t spend lots of time together
anymore. They saw each other a few days every few years, and it had
been that way for the last ten-plus years. Maybe he was
different.

She sat in the train turning the questions
over and over in her mind. When the rail finally stopped, she
walked from campus the few blocks to the apartment. The crisp night
air helped her head clear. She took in deep gulps of air, and each
new breath and step helped her feel alive again.

So, she wondered, what if Johnny just tells
her to fuck off, tells her that they’re no longer friends, that he
never wants to see her again? Well, that could be managed too, but
it was a possibility that the thought lurked in the back of his
mind. If that was the case, she’d focus on school and what would
become her new career. And she’d take that history professor up on
his constant advances and go on a date with him. The wounds would
heal. People got over heartbreak every day, and Katie could too.
The scars would never go away, but she could learn to live with
them. In fact, she assured herself, they’d ultimately make her
stronger and would certainly make her a better writer. Wouldn’t
they?

Katie was climbing the third flight of
stairs to her apartment and opened the door to the hallway. The
building had an elevator but Katie refused to use it. Any exercise
was good exercise, she’d told Heather.

As she rounded the corner into the hallway,
she saw someone in front of her apartment door near the end of the
hall. He was sitting with his back against the door, his knees
bent, his arms resting on his knees so that his hands hung loosely.
She knew who it was. As she got closer, she saw for certain that it
was Johnny. He was still wearing the black vinyl pants and boots,
but he’d changed into a close-fitting long-sleeved dark blue
t-shirt. Seeing him, she felt as though the wind had been knocked
out of her. She’d wanted to talk to him soon, yes, but she didn’t
know that she’d wanted to talk to him
this
soon.

But it was too late to turn around. He’d
already seen her. She felt ill at the sight of him--not because he
was repulsive but because of everything that had happened. She
didn’t want to talk, not now. But she couldn’t just walk around
him. He stood up as she approached. “Johnny? What are you doing
here?” She hoped he couldn’t tell that she’d been crying a few
hours ago and was still sad. God, why now? She wasn’t ready.

“Can I come in for a few minutes?”

Katie pulled her key out of her pocket and
slid it in the lock. She wanted to ask if she had a choice.
Instead, she just shrugged her shoulders and faced the door.
“Sure.”

As she entered, she flipped the light switch
on, and Johnny followed behind her. She walked to the kitchen and
grabbed a glass out of the cabinet. “Can I get you anything to
drink?” She turned on the faucet and filled up her glass.

“No, thanks.”

She came back out to the living area and
swept her hand toward the sofa, indicating that Johnny could sit
down. She sat next to him but looked down at her glass. “So...?”
She couldn’t even finish her sentence. Sam sauntered into the
living room and rubbed against Katie’s leg. She petted his head but
kept her focus on Johnny.

“Why’d you leave?”

She couldn’t believe what he was saying. Why
did she leave? Could he seriously be asking that? Had he really
expected her to hang around after what he’d said to her? “Why do
you think?” She forced herself to look at him. “Did you think I’d
actually be flattered to be your Colorado groupie?”

“God, Katie, I was just joking.”

She frowned. “Well, it wasn’t funny.”

He nodded. “You’re right. It wasn’t.” She
saw his Adam’s apple move as he swallowed. “I guess I just wanted
you to feel a little of what I felt when you told me last year you
were engaged.” Katie felt her cheeks redden. “But I just wanted you
to think for a few
minutes
, not hours. I came back to talk,
and you were already gone.” She nodded. “And your friend Heather
didn’t know where you were either. She said you sent her a message
that you were going home, so here I am.”

This was all her fault. She’d never told
Johnny how she really felt. Never. Not when they were teens, not
any of the times they’d spent together as adults, not last year,
not earlier tonight. Enough was enough. It didn’t matter if nothing
came of it. But she could see now that all withholding the truth
had done was create a tangled web, one that made her look like a
bad person, when all she’d been trying to do was protect her heart.
But she’d hurt her friend’s heart instead. “Johnny. I need to tell
you something. Actually, I’ve got a lot to tell you.”

His eyes clouded over. “Don’t tell me you’re
engaged again.”

She frowned. That wasn’t fair, but she
supposed she had it coming. She sighed. “Just bear with me, okay?”
She saw his jaw ripple, but he nodded and his eyes looked calm. She
looked down at her hands, then took a sip of her water and set the
glass on the coffee table. She looked back up at him. Stop
prolonging this, she told herself. “Johnny Church, you have been my
best friend for far too long to just toss our friendship away, no
matter what has happened in the last year. But there’s something I
haven’t told you, something I’ve never told you, something you need
to know.” He squinted. She took a deep breath. “Johnny, I’ve loved
you since high school. As a lot more than a friend.” She closed her
eyes, unable to look at him anymore. She opened them again, though,
and then just looked down at her hands again. “But I never told
you. You were always dating some other girl or screwing several on
the side, and you never seemed interested. But I’ve never stopped
loving you, Johnny.” She wanted to say more, but the words just
wouldn’t come out.

She could barely hear his voice. “Are you
fucking kidding me?”

What did that mean? She didn’t know. She
just looked up at him. “No. I love you.”

His face looked as though he was trying to
cope with a punch to the gut. “So then why...Riley...and other
guys...and your fiancé? And why now?”

She shook her head. “Because you didn’t care
about me that way, so I was just happy continuing to be your best
friend. It was the status quo. And Riley?” She couldn’t help
laughing. “I dated him hoping to make you jealous.”

Johnny’s eyes softened. “It worked.”

Katie’s right brow curled down. “What?”

Johnny smiled. “Jesus, Katie. Was I that
good at hiding it?”

“Hiding what?”

He let out a puff of air and rubbed his
forearm, staring at the sleeve of tattoos. “You say you’ve loved me
since high school. Well, I’ve got you beat.”

“What do you mean?”

“Try middle school.” She just looked at him
and he gazed up from his arm into her eyes. “Katie, I’ve loved
you
since eighth grade. And I can tell you exactly when my
feelings for you changed. I remember playing softball with you one
day. Remember how we had recess after lunch in middle school? And
it was early spring, one of the first days we could go outside
without jackets, and one day a bunch of us decided to play
softball. You were the only girl who wanted to play. We were with
some of the guys, and I was pitching. You hit that fucking ball all
the way out to the back of the fence, and I watched two of the
outfielders running after it. While they were running, I saw some
girls by the school building, and they were huddled together,
telling secrets and gossiping like they always do. And there you
were with the guys instead, holding a bat. You were never like
those other girls. You were my friend. You were like one of the
guys. And you knocked that fuckin’ ball way out there and made it
to second base like that.” He snapped his fingers. “I remember that
day like it was yesterday...you were wearing faded blue jeans and
that light blue shirt, you know, the one with the curved neckline.
And it just hugged your cute little perky tits.” She closed her
eyes and giggled, but no, she didn’t remember that shirt. “You
hadn’t had them for very long, so they were hard to ignore. And,
besides, what do you think a boy beginning puberty is going to look
at?” She shook her head, still smiling. “You don’t even want to
know how many masturbation fantasies you played starring role
in.”

“Yeah, probably not.”

“But you didn’t look at me that way, never
thought of me that way. At least, I didn’t think so. So I just
stood back.” His mouth curved downward. “You were too good for me
anyway.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Aw, come on, Katie. Think about it. You had
two parents in a solid marriage. I had a single mother, and I never
knew my father. Had never even met the guy. You were going to go to
college. I was going to be lucky to graduate. You constantly read
books, and I avoided them like the plague. You were the smart one.
You were destined to go places. I, on the other hand, was not, and
I wasn’t expected to. But I believed in myself, and I knew you
believed in me, no matter what anyone else thought. So I found
something I loved. I had a passion for music, and I loved guitar,
and I made it my mission to be one of the best. I practiced
constantly and honed my skills. I knew you’d notice.”

“I did. But you were busy screwing every
cheerleader you could get your dick in.”

“Be fair. There were multiple reasons for
that.” Katie raised her eyebrows. “One was I really had no idea you
had even thought of me that way. And then, of course, you don’t
want to just fuck the girl you love. You fuck the girls you don’t
care about.” She nodded slightly. “And then...shit. Riley.
Goddammit, Katie, that nearly ripped my heart out.”

“I didn’t know...”

He nodded. “I know.” He bit his cheek. “But
Riley did.” Katie felt her eyes widen. “He knew. And he did it
anyway.” He ran his tongue over his teeth. “Why do you think I beat
the shit of him after he popped your cherry?”

She drew in a breath of air. “You knew about
that?”

“Of course I did. You guys never showed up
to the after Prom party, which was my first clue. Besides, Riley
had to tell someone, didn’t he? Well, he didn’t tell me, but he
told Norberg, and I was right there.” He shook his head. “Fucker.
And he did it just because he knew it’d piss me off.” He clenched
his fist, reliving the moment. “Cocky bastard.”

In retrospect, she knew he was right. Riley
was less interested in her after she had sex with him. She hadn’t
known if it was because the thrill of the chase was past or because
Johnny had beaten him up, but Riley definitely cooled the
relationship after that. “But, Johnny, if I’d known you cared, I
never would have even dated Riley. He wouldn’t have had a
chance.”