Taxi to Paris (19 page)

I looked for the coffeemaker. There were two. One was the fancy American style I'd seen before in her kitchen in Germany. The other was a traditional, French hand-cranked model. I chose the latter. It felt right, for the first day in Paris. I found coffee as well, but no milk, not even in powdered form. So I'd have to wait for cafe au lait. When the coffee was ready, I took my cup and went back into the bedroom. She still wasn't awake yet. Better that way. So I set off on a self-guided tour of the apartment.

Behind the kitchen, I had already discovered another small room. Probably the household staff had slept there once. What times those were! Down the hall from the kitchen was also a dining room and another room that had probably served the same purpose as the first.

When I left her bedroom this time, I wandered off to the right. The first door on the right opened into another bedroom that didn't appear to be in use. To the left, there was a sort of library. At least that's what I gathered from the old bookshelves lining the walls. Now, the room was obviously used for something else. A large desk stood next to the window, with a partially inclined surface. I went over to it. On the level portion of the desktop lay a couple of collages. On the inclined surface, there was a filigreed pencil drawing. She drew! I was so surprised, I had to sit down for a moment.

I felt the tears welling in my eyes. I still wasn't quite ready to admit that Karin had been right, but deep inside, I knew that I loved her like I'd never loved another woman in my life.

I sat there, shaken and ashamed. If she hadn't been in such bad shape, I would've driven home right then. But I had to wait until she was at least a little better. At that point, she probably wouldn't want anything more to do with me anyhow. Surely, in her desperation, she simply hadn't known whom else to call but me. When she was no longer dependent on my help, she would certainly remember what had happened at out last encounter. But by then, I'd already be gone.

I stood up and wiped away my tears. On the other side of the room, there was another door. Through it, I came into a small, unostentatious salon. It was clear that she spent much of her time here. There was a comfortable armchair in front of a small fireplace, and next to that an end table on which lay - I could hardly believe it - a pair of reading glasses! By now, the tears were rolling down my cheeks. I looked to see what she was reading. Beaudelaire, Fleurs du Mal, in French! Was that the right sort of material? For her recovery, I'd have to find her something lighter.

At the opposite end of the room, there was yet another door. Behind it I found the large parlor that I'd already glimpsed from the hallway, the one with the Louis XV furniture. It seemed to serve a more ornamental purpose and was not as cozy as the small salon next door. A large, intricately tiled hearth commanded one corner. On the parquetry floor lay a few scattered throw rugs that had clearly not been bought at a clearance sale. The furniture was very elegant and - as I'd feared - genuine.

This ended my tour. I looked down at the street through one of the high windows. The typical Parisian bustle made me smile. Several people were crossing the street with baguettes under their arms; a motor scooter grazed a passer-by, who scolded after it temperamentally. Two women met and conversed with a degree of physicality and animation unheard of on German streets. This was what I loved most about France.

Above all, this made me realize something. I'd need to go grocery shopping, for her and for myself. That was something new. It would be fun.

I went back into the kitchen, got a second cup of coffee, and rummaged through the cupboards. Apparently, she really never cooked, not even here. Other than the coffee and several varieties of tea, I found a few frozen entrees - for emergencies, I assumed - and that was it.

I considered. It would be a couple of days yet, surely, before she could go out. But she needed something fortifying to help with her recovery. And for myself, I wouldn't want to do without baguettes or cafe au lait. Everything was set. I made a little list and went back into the room where I had slept. I got dressed. Before I left, I looked in on her once more. She was still asleep. That was good.

I really enjoyed my shopping trip. Just the chance to speak French was something special, though mine was rather rusty from years of disuse. And then there were the people, who simply laughed and scolded and yelled and then in the next moment fell into each others' arms again. It was simply lovely.

My final purchases bore little resemblance to my original list, but that didn't matter. The pure pleasure was worth it.

I walked back to the apartment whistling. People I met wished me a cheerful "Bonjour!" and I answered just as cheerfully. Back in the apartment, I put away my purchases in the kitchen, whistling softly so as not to wake her. I set a pot of milk on to warm - for the first cafe au lait of the day! - and went to her bedroom. When I came in, she looked at me. I stopped whistling immediately. She, of course, wouldn't know what I'd been doing and might find it inappropriate.

I went over to her in the bed. "Did I wake you?" I asked with concern.

"No," she replied, still quietly, but it was obvious that she was doing better. "I was already awake." Her speech was somewhat slurred. Her lips were still swollen.

I wanted to grab her up in my arms to show my joy at her improvement. But that wasn't yet possible. "I went shopping," I explained. "Would you like something to eat?"

"No," she said again. "I was wondering where you were."

Oh, boy, that didn't sound good! Despite her soft voice, I could hear the ice crunching. What did she mean, where I was? Did she think I'd left her alone? That I'd gone home? She was too ill to discuss it with her now. "I'm making myself a cafe au lait right now," I told her, as though I hadn't noticed her tone. "Do you think you can drink something?"

She hesitated. I elaborated on my offer. "I also have oranges. I could squeeze you some juice. That'd probably be better for you anyway. Besides, you have a remarkably nice juicer." I grinned encouragingly.

"Do I?" she asked gloomily.

She was lucky that she was so sick! In any other case, I would've told her exactly what she could do with her juicer. But now I just confirmed, "Yes, you do. So orange juice it is - don't help, don't hurt!"

"Pardon me?" If I hadn't known for certain that we'd seen each other before - and more - I would've had serious doubts about that now.

"Even if it doesn't help, it won't hurt you, either," I repeated with my best grade-school diction.

She just looked at me.

I sighed internally. Then I put on a friendly smile. "So I'll go to the kitchen now and squeeze you some orange juice. Besides, my milk is probably about to boil over by now." I turned around and left.

In the kitchen, I asked myself what her behavior was supposed to mean. She had been assaulted horribly. In her desperation, she'd called me. I had brought her here. Was she sorry to be forced to spend time with me like this? Did she want, now that she was here - obviously her most secluded and private retreat - to get rid of me? That she could have!  But only then when she was well enough that I could leave her alone with a clear conscience. She'd have to put up with me that long!

I made the orange juice, poured it into a glass, and took a straw from the package I'd bought. I put everything on a breakfast tray - she had one of those, of all things - and brought it to her.

She must really have been doing better; she had sat herself up without my help. I set the tray across her lap and took my coffee mug from it. Then I sat down - in spite of her bad mood - across from her on the bed. I indicated to the straw. "I thought that would be more comfortable for you."

She took the glass carefully. "Yes." She drank a sip. "Thank you for thinking of it." She didn't look at me. Her voice did not indicate to me whether she meant that earnestly or was only being polite.

"Your apartment is absolutely enchanting," I gushed. Like you, I wanted to continue, even if she didn't want to hear that. But I left it unsaid. Perhaps it was still to soon for that.

"Do you think?" she replied, reserved as expected.

I went on, ignoring her mood. "I looked around a bit while you were sleeping. I hope that was permissible."

She looked at me through narrow eye slits. Although I knew she couldn't open her eyes much wider if she wanted to, it looked intentional. It fit her tone. "I've never had to decide that before," she said.

With all the experience I'd had with her up to that point, I knew that it was most unforgivable to her when someone invaded her private sphere. I couldn't help that. I'd neither read her love letters - had she ever written or received any? - nor rummaged through her closets - except for the kitchen, but that didn't count.

"I hope not." I acted unimpressed. She should know that I wouldn't give in to her defensiveness.

She noticed. "I'm thankful to you for everything you've done for me," she said again, without indicating whether she was being genuine or not.

"How are you doing?" I asked. She certainly couldn't imagine an ulterior motive behind that question.

"Better." She didn't seem too excited to give out more information.

I reacted with mild irritation this time. "That's nice," I commented artificially. I was slowly beginning to get sick of this. What was her problem?

"Take your sweatshirt off," I demanded coolly. A small shock would do her good.

It worked. "What?" Startled, she looked up.

I let her squirm just a little. Then I explained what I had in mind. "I bought a salve for your bruises. I'm going to rub some on you. Also, I found a medicinal bath. You're going to soak in that this afternoon. And you have to take that sweatsuit off anyway. You've had it on since yesterday." So - let her try to contradict that!

She didn't try to. She just stared at me through her swollen eyelids like a woman from Mars.

I set my coffee mug on her breakfast tray and stood up. "Where do you keep your pajamas?" I asked. If I'd gone through her closets, I would've known that already, wouldn't I?

She pointed at the middle drawer of an antique bureau. I opened it and saw at least a dozen pairs of silk pajamas. I turned around. "Don't you have anything else besides silk?"

She swallowed. I'd really ruffled her. "No," she explained, much more cooperative than before, "it's -".

"I know," I smiled warmly. "It's so comfortable against the skin." I took out a pair and laid them on the bed. I went to the kitchen and got the salve. When I came back, she hadn't budged. She must still have been completely perplexed.

I took the breakfast tray and set it aside. I looked at her. I felt sorry for her already. Everything I was about to do to her was going to hurt. But it was necessary. "I'll help you." I reached around her waist and pulled the sweatshirt up. She moaned. Slowly, I raised her arms over her head and pulled the shirt over them. Her moaning got louder. Finally, it was done. Her arms fell back to her sides and she yelped again in pain. "Now your pants." I pulled back the blanket. "You'd better lie down."

She got herself slowly and painfully into a lying-down position. It was easier to get her pants off. She didn't have to do much for that.

I could barely look at her. Everything was green and blue. I asked myself who could have done this. I'd certainly never ask her.

I took the salve. "If it hurts, yell," I said. I'll be as careful as I can." I knew I couldn't protect her from the pain. Still, I suspected she could tolerate more pain than I wanted to give her credit for.

I began to apply the salve. She jerked at every touch. After awhile, she began to moan softly. Before I made her turn over, I granted her a small break.

I looked at her. "Yell if you need to," I offered painfully. "Nobody's going to hear you." I wished I could have done it for her.

She looked at me dejectedly. "I can't," she said.

We got through the procedure eventually. I put the pajamas on her, after which she collapsed back into sleep.

It became more and more clear to me that I was developing a sense of vengeance against whomever had done this to her. While I was treating her, I had discovered deep gouges in her wrists. Someone must have handcuffed her. No wonder she looked like that. She had been completely unable to defend herself.

It was still a mystery to me what exactly had happened. She had assured me that she wasn't into this kind of violence. So how did she get herself into a situation where she could be handcuffed?

Or had she done it willingly after all? I just couldn't imagine that. But until recently, there was a lot I couldn't have imagined. A number of those things involved my relationship with her, of course. That she was a prostitute and that I loved her, for instance.

I wasn't happy about that, and certainly not about her profession. However, I was more prepared to accept it now. Perhaps not in the context of a relationship, but at least as her lifestyle.

What that meant for me was already clear. I would always love her, but we wouldn't be together. If I was lucky, she might accept me as a platonic girlfriend.

I smiled through my grief. Platonic - with her erotic charisma! I could forget that already.

I suddenly noticed that I was getting hungry. I went to the kitchen and gathered together a few things I'd bought for breakfast earlier. I wouldn't have to deal with her for awhile, after all. I took a baguette and some cheese into the small salon.

I knew why this was her favorite spot. I could feel the inner warmth that the room gave off. Again, she had sought the warmth from things that she didn't get from people.

Couldn't I change that? It had to be possible to give her back a little of what she gave out so freely, whether she realized it or not. The joy of beauty, love.

I would've loved to sit in the overstuffed chair, but I didn't want to take her seat. So I sat in the armchair across from it and imagined her sitting in her chair and reading her book.

It must be wonderful to spend the evenings with her, sitting there peacefully and reading, looking up to see her beautiful face. Would I ever experience that?