Teach Me Love (2 page)

Madison sets up plates on the kitchen table while I sit down and take a swig of my beer. “Thanks again for doing this. I didn’t get a chance to eat dinner.”

She serves me two slices of pizza before sitting down. “No problem, best friend. How’s everything going?”

I take another drink before answering her. “I fired Heather. It’s been almost three years since Katherine. So how do you think everything is going?”

Madison moves closer to me and throws her arms around my neck. “I’m sorry Jacob, but you might want to think about moving on with your life. Katherine would want you to be happy.”

We sit there for the rest of the night as I listen to her talk about her job and what she’s been up to. I can’t think about anything else but what she said. How can I just move on? Would Katherine want me to be happy?

I walk Madison out and she tells me to text her anytime if I need anything. I give her a kiss on her cheek and walk away. When I get back inside, I take a long hot shower and think about what’s been going on. I should move on. It’s been three years but something keeps holding me back - my guilt and fears. I don’t want to bring anyone else down. I don’t want to hurt anyone else.

I get out of the shower and get ready for bed. I throw on my blue boxers and slide under the covers. Eleven eighteen. I close my eyes and fall asleep.

“Jacob, why didn’t you save me?” The tears roll down from her pale cheeks as she tries to grab my hand.

“Katherine, wait please! I’m sorry!” The fog sets in front of us. I can’t see her. I can’t see anything. I wave my hands in the air to move the fog but it doesn’t work. “Katherine! Please come back!”

I quickly sit up and look around the room. There’s no one here except for me. I look at the clock on my nightstand and see that it only reads two forty-five a.m. I rub my eyes and lay back down but I can’t fall back asleep. This is how it is every night. The same dream comes to me and each time it ends the same; I can never save her. I get out of bed and head to the closet. I pull out a photo album and look through the pictures of how life should have been.

Her smile
.

That smile still makes my heart beat faster. How am I supposed to live w
ithout her? I put the album away, walk back to bed, and turn on the television and try to fall back asleep.

             
                                                        *****

Eight o’clock. She comes through the doors of
Tavern Seven.
She is wearing a tight, plunging neckline red dress. I get up and walk to her. My lips touch her cheek, “Audrina.”

“Hello Jacob,” she purrs, “You look delicious tonight.”

“As do you.
Come sit.” I place my hand on the small part of her back and guide her to my table. It’s in the corner of the restaurant so no one will bother us. I take a drink of my scotch as she strokes my thigh.

“I miss you,”
Audrina whispers in my ear, “I can’t wait for tonight.”

I immediately finish my drink, l
eave a fifty on the table and take her hand. “Let’s go.”

Gary sees me coming and gets out opening the car door for us. I lead
Audrina in and move in after her. She runs her hand through my hair and rests her other hand on my thigh. A seductive smile comes across her face as she licks her bottom lip and comes closer to me. Her lips graze my ear down my neck. I want her but never have been one to fuck in the back seat of my car yet tonight may be an exception. Gary knows where to take me. He puts in his ear buds and starts driving. Without saying anything Audrina gets on the carpeted floor and pushes my legs apart. Her hands are on my belt and pants. She takes off the belt and unbuttons my pants. I put my hands behind my head and let her do whatever the fuck she wants to me. One hand is pulling down my pants and boxers while the other is stroking my long erection. She grabs me with both of her hands and slowly wraps her succulent lips around my hard member and twirls her tongue around the head. The moans of pleasure coming from her lips get me harder. She pulls me towards her and lodges my cock deep in her throat. A guttural groan escapes my throat, “Fuck Audrina.” I push her head down further and make her take me all the way in. Damn her mouth feels good on me. I push her off me and she looks at me with confusion. My fingers are gripping her chin and I force her to look at me. “I want you to beg me. Tell me you want my dick in your mouth. Tell me I’m the best.”

Audrina’s
eyes grow wide and pools with desire. “You’re the best Jacob. I. Only. Want. You.” She opens her mouth again and takes me in. Within seconds I explode in her mouth. She swallows everything I release, licking me clean. “I hope I can always make you happy.” I help her up from her knees and smile.

“Of course.”
I straighten my clothes and pull out my cell phone to check my messages. I see her from the corner of my eyes and she’s staring at me. “Can I help you with something?” I ask with irritation and annoyance in my tone.

She simply shakes her head a
nd looks out the window. I notice the uncomfortable silence and it’s beginning to bother me but I don’t think too much about it. I ignore her for the rest of the ride.

Gary pulls up to the Hilton where
Audrina is staying. We immediately take the elevator to the top floor Presidential suite. The room is rather large with a rich wood décor living area, a dining room table, a private office and a wet bar. The windows provide a fabulous view of Columbia’s Historic District.

I walk to the wet bar and pour myself a glass of scotch. I bring the glass to my lips and in one gulp finish my drink. I close my eyes and feel nothing. I pour myself another glass, repeating this process four times.

“Jacob.” I turn around and see Audrina in nothing but a lacey black bra and lace black panties. Her body is fucking phenomenal. Her perky breasts are calling out to my mouth. I look her over from her face down to her black stilettos. “I’m ready for you.” She gives me her sexy grin. I place the glass down and stroll over to her.

“You better be ready tonight.” I grab
Audrina and toss her on the couch, standing in front of her, “Go ahead. Take off my clothes. Now!” I say with a forceful yet sexy demand.

Quickly, my pants and boxers come off. Just before she can touch me again, I grab her hands. “Lean back.” I force her back against the sofa. I take off my shirt and toss it aside. She’s ready for me. Her legs spread and I rip her panties off. “You don’t need this,” I say. I kiss her inner thighs tenderly and make my way to her juiciness. My greedy tongue licks her wetness. I twirl it around her clit as I plunged my tongue into her. 

I immediately stop what I’m doing and bring my head up to look at her. “Stop. Moving.”

She gives me a nod and I prop each of her legs up on my shoulders. I insert two fingers into her and my possessive tongue glides against her soft skin. I spread her legs wider and play with
her clit with my skillful tongue.

“Jacob. Oh my G
od, keep going. Yes! Yes!” I stop licking her. “What are you doing?”

“
Shhhh,” I flip her over and slap her ass a few times. I know she loves what I’m doing from hearing her moans. Audrina spreads her legs for me and I lift her ass is in the air.

“You know what I like Jacob,” she states, “Please Jacob, I’m begging you.”

I pull her ass to me and penetrate deep in her beautiful ass. God she is so tight. I go in faster and hear her screaming my name. She’s telling me to go harder and faster. I do what she says, “Fuck Audrina!”

“Keep going!” Her breathing is all over and her moans are loud.

I grip her ass and pump myself in her. The excitement she is showing gets me going and my throbbing cock is ready to explode. A few more thrusts and I spill myself in her. I gently pull myself out of her and head to the bathroom. I grab a washcloth and turn on the faucet. I let the water soak the washcloth and look into the mirror. I look at the man standing before me and cringe with regret and sorrow. I don’t want to continue this life and the meaningless sex.  I get myself clean and wash my hands. When I come out, I see her picking up my clothes and setting them aside.

She walks over to me and wraps her arms around my waist. “Are you going to spend the night with me?” Her voice is hopeful and she kisses my bare chest.

I grab her arms and untangle them from my waist. “No,” I simply respond. I see the disappointment in her eyes and I have to look away from her. Why is she falling for me? I have an ugly heart and soul. The coldness takes over my body and the tension rises. No one can ever love a beast of a man and I don’t know how to love anymore. How can I love another person when I can’t love myself?

I get my clothes and start putting on my pants and shirt. Just as I am about to button my shirt,
Audrina comes to me and pushes my hands away. “Here, let me.” She finishes buttoning my shirt and looks at me. “Jacob,” she starts to say, “When are you going to open your eyes?”

I take her hands and place my finger under her chin. There are tears in her eyes. Fuck.
Again? “Audrina, you know I can’t love you. I can’t give you my heart. I can shower you with gifts. Have you travel the world. Help you with your career but that’s it.” I give her a kiss on her forehead and head out of her hotel room without feeling anything but regret.

Chapter 2

Abigail

“You selfish bitch!”
Her hands touch my chest. She pushes me. Hard. “Do you know what you’ve done to my family?”

I put up my hands. “Can you please just listen to me? I did not try and sleep with your dad! He told me to get an abortion and since I wouldn’t, he offered me the check for a million and to get out of
town. I wanted to take you and Ryan with me. Please, you have to believe me!” I touched my stomach and thought about my six-week-old baby. God I need to get you out of here Peanut.

She points her finger to my chest. “Don’t you dare try and make my family look bad Abigail!” The tears fall from her eyes. I hopelessly look at my best friend.

We grew up together and were best friends. Every memory I had was with her. I needed her more than ever and I didn’t get why she didn’t believe me?

“You need to leave Abigail. Just. Go.”

“Wait,” I grab her arm. “Don’t you want to be in your niece or nephew’s life?”

I think I see a glimmer in her eye but that quickly goes away. Dark shadows take over her eyes and it’s full of hatred. She spits at my feet and looks at me, “You’re both dead to me Abigail. Get the hell out of here and my life. Do not ever come back to California.”

“NO!” I wake up with sweat all over my face and body. I throw the blanket off my body and grab the glass of water on my nightstand and take a drink. I rub my face with my hands and let out a sigh. These dreams of Katherine kill me. I miss her every day. Losing your best friend is never easy and all I feel is guilt and regret. I wish things weren’t like this. I wipe a tear rolling down from my eye as I think about her and how she’ll never know her nephew and breathe another day.

Starting life over in Columbia was hard and I was scared. Being pregnant
and alone were the hardest times of my life. I didn’t have any friends and was on my own. My parents wanted me to come live with them back in Florida but moving back was too hard. I needed to face this journey on my own. I wanted to go somewhere where no one knew me and no one from my past would be able to find me. Luckily my baby sister, Heather, moved down here from New York City and helped me with my pregnancy.

I thought with Heather with me it would make life easier but I still felt alone. There were so many times when I thought about aborting my pregnancy. I didn’t want any part of Ryan in or around me. The pain I felt was
powerful and undeserving. It was as if a thief came into my life and stole everything I loved but when I had my first ultrasound and heard my Peanut’s strong heart beating, all the fear slipped away. I promised my baby that I was going to love him/her forever and I wouldn’t let anything happen. I changed my mind that day and decided to keep my Peanut. My Peanut gave me meaning to life.

When the hospital asked about the father, all I could do was cry. I missed Ryan so much but he never came looking for me. Katherine never called or texted me either, it was as if I never existed. I thought about calling him so many times and sending him a picture of our Peanut but I never managed to do that. It broke my heart knowing Ryan would never be part of our child’s life. He was everything to me and the only man I ever loved. I gave him everything, my heart and soul but he threw me away as if I were garbage. I lost everything with one quick move and was forced to leave my life and had to start over.
I guess it was true what they said about love; if you let it go and it doesn’t come back then it wasn’t meant to be.

As the months passed and I felt my
Peanut kicking and moving, I knew I made the right decision to keep him. The night my water broke, I was rushed to the hospital and Heather held my hand through it all. After twelve hours of a very painful labor, my Peanut’s cries filled the hospital room. I fell back on the bed and cried when I heard his voice. It was music to my ears and my heart filled with so much love and longing. I was going to live my life for me and my son because he deserved to know what it meant to be loved and wanted. He would never know what it felt like to be abandoned.

I asked the nurses if he was okay and if I could hold him in my arms. He was here; the love of my life was finally here. Life changed when I held my Peanut in my arms.
Seven pounds, three ounces. My baby boy. Lucas Michael Anderson. He was my life and my light. I promised him from the day he was born he would always be my number one. That was almost six years ago.

“Mama!
Mama!” Lucas comes rushing through the door and jumps on my bed. “Mama. Hi!”

I bring him in my arms and give him kisses all over his precious face. “Hi baby boy.” His blonde hair is all over the place and I smile when he rests his head on my chest. “What do you want to do today sweetie?”

He snuggles in my arms and flutters his pretty little eyes at me. “I want to spend time with you, mama.” I lie back down in bed and sing a little song to my number one.

You are my shining star.

The only one who brings light to my eyes.

This life is better with you by my side.

Because you get me through the storm and shine your light.

“Mama I love when you sing to me.” He kisses my cheek and we snuggle in bed for a little longer.

After lying in bed for over an hour, I check the clock and see it’s nine in the morning. “Okay baby boy, let’s go get some breakfast!”

Today Lucas and I have off from school due to a random vacation our principal threw in since we never shut down for a snow day. Monday mornings are always a drag anyways so it’s nice to get up whenever we want. Being a second grade teacher can be tiresome sometimes.
I love teaching in the same school Lucas attends and he refers to me as the “cool Mom” but hopefully that feeling stays. My little kindergartner is a handful but he’s mine.

Gray eyes look up at me and my heart breaks. I hold it together so I don’t cry in front of him. It kills me to know that my son is almost six years old and he still has no idea who his father is.

Ryan
.

I still think about him sometimes and wonder what he’s doing. It’s been over six years since we talked but my heart aches for him and our little boy he will never get to know. Lucas
asks about Ryan but I tell him his daddy is away and can’t come back. Lucas accepts the answer.
For now
.

“Mama, can I please have chocolate chip pancakes and bacon and sausage and milk.” He stands in front of me flashing his beautiful smile.

I place my lips on his forehead, “Anything else sweetie?”

He thinks for a minute before answering. “No thanks Mama.”

“Alright go play.” I watch him run to the living room and turn on the television. I get everything I need to make this favorite breakfast of his opening the steel refrigerator and grabbing the necessary ingredients – milk, butter, eggs, sausage and bacon. I place everything on the counter and go to the pantry for the chocolate chips and dry ingredients for the pancakes. Once it is all on out in front of me, I mix together the dry ingredients while peeking out over the island and see Lucas sitting on the couch watching his favorite cartoons. 

I whisk it all together, making sure all of the lumps are out. I set the mixing bowl aside and get the frying pan. I put it on the stove, turn the knob to high and drop a spoonful of butter into the pan. I watch the butter melt quickly and take the mixing bowl to pour some pancake mix onto the pan.

“Bullshit!” I hear the door slam.

“Heather?” I yell out.
“Language please!” Heather comes into the kitchen and sets her bag down. She looks like hell. Her eyes are red and blotchy. She has no makeup on and I swear I smell whiskey. “Heather?”

“He fired me Abigail,” she slowly says. The defeat in her tone kills me. I knew that working for the big Jac
ob Greene would break her. He’s known for his asshole tendencies. Every image on the internet shows him with a different woman every month. He’s an asshat manwhore and he makes me sick. I have no idea what women saw in him..UGH.

I quickly finish up the pancakes, “I’m sorry Heather. How are you doing?”

“What do you think? He gave me three months pay until I find something else but what else can I do?”

I put all the pancakes on a plate and throw in the sausage and bacon on a cooking pan. I set the oven for three hundred and fifty degrees, put the pan in, set the timer and go back to my sister. “Everything happens for a reason.” I touch her shoulder and watch as she places her head on the table.

“You
always
say that!”

I watch the internal struggle and pain that seems to be consuming her. She’s trying to keep it together and not lose her mind but the look in her eyes tells me she’s confused and broken. I give her a kiss on her head, “Because it’s true. Now go wash up. Change into something comfortable and come eat breakfast with us.”

We all sit at the table as Lucas explains what he wants to do today. “Mama! Aunt Heather! Can we please do something today?”

I cut the pancake before taking a bite, “Sweetie it’s going to rain today and tomorrow you have school. Let’s get some homework done.”

“I can help him A,” Heather chimes in with a mouth full of pancake and bacon. “Don’t you have a hot lunch date or something?”

“
Had.
” I stop eating and look down. Dating and I didn’t get along. I can’t find anyone in this town. Either someone is married, gay or attached. All the teachers at my school are not for me. I’m turning twenty-eight this year and have only been with one guy. How is that even possible? Heather tries to set me up with dates but no one wants to date a single mother of one. I see Heather looking back at me, waiting for answer. “When I mentioned Lucas, he decided to be sick and cancel.”

“Well sucks to be him then,” Heather exclaims. “Don’t worry A, you’ll find him soon,” she grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze.

“I hope so.”

Heather gets up and helps me get breakfast ready. “Hey,” she starts to say, touching my arm. “You’ll find someone soon Abigail.”

I shake my head and look away from her. “I um. I’m fine, trust me.”

Heather plays with her food. “Have you tried looking up Ryan’s information?”

Lately, I’ve been trying to search for Ryan and find out where he is. I want to tell him about his son and see him again. It’s not fair that Lucas is living without his Ryan and he deserves to know the truth. I do still love him and I know it’s not his fault, but he should’ve tried to look for his son and me. I spent so many years trying to find him but it was useless. Ryan isn’t anywhere to be found. His number changed and I can’t call his parents; they
hate
me and they don’t deserve to know about Lucas, their grandson.

“No,” I shake my head, eating my pancakes. “I’m giving up.” My voice starts breaking and I put down my fork.
It’s easier said than done but I need to move on. I can’t keep wishing Ryan will find us and we’ll be a family.

She brings me in for a hug as I let out a heavy sigh. One day it’ll be easier to say his name without falling apart. After a few minutes, I wipe my tears and we go into the dining room to enjoy breakfast.
As a family.

Heather agrees
to stay with Lucas so I can go out for a run. It feels good to be outside. I see couples with their children outside, laughing and smiling. I wave to them but the feeling of loneliness eats away at me. I love being a mom and sister but I miss that feeling of being in someone’s arms and the feel of being wanted. It seems as though single mothers are not on the radar of some men. I’m pretty, well at least I think so. I have a nice and curvy figure and I stay in shape. I don’t have a tight stomach but I work hard to stay healthy.

Ugh, what if I stay alone forever.

I grimace at the thought and keep running. There is someone out there for me. I know there is. There has to be. Sighing, I shake my head and just focus on my breathing. In one, two, three and out one, two, three.

Yeah this isn’
t working. I stop running and decide to walk. I hate this feeling of defeat. More couples laughing and smiling. I look at them and feel a surge of jealousy. I envy happy couples. I do not want to be alone. I fight the tears and turn up my music.

I can make it through today. I have to for Lucas.