Tell Me No Secrets (15 page)

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Authors: Michelle-Nikki

BOOK: Tell Me No Secrets
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The smirk on my face had to be sinister as she gave me the middle finger and slammed my office door on her way out. Gabe and I made it no secret that we'd both fucked her and the general consensus was the same, her head game was better than the sex.
It wasn't long after that little fiasco that the food we'd ordered was delivered. We ate lunch, and finished up the spreadsheets afterwards. Food and a couple drinks were just what the doctor had ordered, and while I'd been hoping to go home and try to get some sleep in, Stephanie had other plans. She wanted to talk and in order for me to have some semblance of peace I knew I had to do it. So against my better judgment, I'd agreed.
After I'd worked out, showered, changed into some sweats, relaxed a bit, and had been watching the Lakers eat the Hawks alive, she came into the living room to start my interrogation. I watched her as she briskly walked into the front room while her pony tail swung from side to side like a pendulum. She sat on the end of the couch opposite me and tucked her long lithe legs under her. Although I turned the TV off, I didn't move from my laid-back position on the couch. There was a brief moment of silence where we both just gazed at each other. I could tell she had been crying. I saw no tears, but the puffiness around her eyes gave it away as well as the balled up tissue in her hand.
“Do you love me Aric?” She asked suddenly.
I closed my eyes briefly and exhaled. I'd known she would start off with that question. “I will always love you Stephanie,” I said looking at her as she slowly blinked. “There's no way you can go through what we have and I not love you.”
“But you're no longer in love with me?”
“Stephanie, why do we keep doing this same dance over and over?”
“Because you're never straight forward with me Aric. You evade questions, answer questions with a question, and I never really know just what the hell you're thinking. I need some answers Aric. That's all I'm asking.”
I finally sat up. “What answers Stephanie? Everything you ask, I tell you.”
She started shaking her head. “No you don't Aric, you don't.”
Her tears had started to fall and the one thing I could not deal with was her crying. I'd begun to get annoyed, but because I really didn't want to fight with her I continued to talk.
“What do you want to know that I haven't told you yet Stephanie?” I asked using the back of one hand slapping it in the palm of the other.
“Why her?” She asked after a moment of silence.
I wasn't quite sure I understood her question. “Why, who? What do you mean, why her?”
“Why Chyanne? What is it about her that made you want to get her pregnant?”
I sighed loudly. “See, that's the problem, no matter what I tell you, you will hear what you want to hear. I've told you that it wasn't planned...”
“You can say that all you want, but the fact that you didn't use a condom with her tells me a lot. I know you Aric. I know the fucking man I've been with for twenty damn years! I know how you are about STD's and HIV, so she must be something special if you were fucking her without a condom. So what is it about her?”
I shook my head and chuckled lightly in my irritation. “You can laugh all you want, but—”
“There is no but, Stephanie. I didn't plan to get her pregnant!”
“But you didn't do anything to prevent it either! You had her in this house, our home!”
“This house”—I said standing and pointing to the floor as I spoke—“this house, my money bought. So this is my house.”
“And I'm your wife,” she said defensively as she jumped up from the couch. “What's yours will always be mine! The fact of the matter is, you had her in the very house that we have sex in. I have to lie in the bed that you've probably had sex with her in and, since it's you we're talking about, I know you've fucked her in this house.” Her right fist had been balled around the wad of tissue in her hand while she used the left to move around to get her point across. “All through the holidays we talked Aric. We were talking about making our marriage work and then all of a sudden . . . nothing! Just like that? If your decision has nothing to do with her then let me know exactly what the hell is going on.”
“Damn it! For the last . . . fucking . . . time, Chyanne has nothing to do with me wanting a divorce!” I stepped closer to her and held my hands in front of me as if I was praying because God knows in that moment it was taking all that was within me to remain sane and calm. “You know just as well as I do that this shit we call a marriage is nothing more than a façade at this point. It's all a show. How many times must we cheat, fight, curse, and fuss before we say enough is enough? Twenty years Stephanie, and I swear it feels like for the last ten all we've done was build each other up and violently tear each other back down. Why must we go on baby? Is it worth it?”
“It's worth it to me Aric, because I'm still in love with the man I met twenty years ago. I'm still in love with my husband,” she cried and it hurt like hell to see her look as if she was breaking under the pressure as she spoke through bated breaths. “No matter what I've done or what I've said I've never, not once, stopped loving you. I can be woman enough right now to say, I've done things and said things to you that I knew would hurt, but that was because I was immature back then. I wasn't able to handle a man like you loving me. I watched you change Aric. I watched you go from who you were at nineteen to who you are now and I know I had a hand in that. I never once doubted you loved me then, but it hurts . . .” she said as her words got stuck in the swell of her throat. I reached out to pull her into my arms and she shook her head.
“I need to say this. It hurts like hell to watch the way you look at Chyanne because I know you looked at me the same way once. Whether you care to admit it or not Aric, the feelings you have for her are visible and it hurts to know that I had a hand in turning our relationship into what it is. I'm so angry at myself because I used the things you told me about your mother and your childhood to hurt you . . .”
She tried to keep talking but her emotions took over and we both stood there in silence letting our unspoken words speak for us.
It was the first time in a long time that Stephanie had opened up to me the way she'd done, and even though I felt every emotion and truth in what she was saying, I was to the point of no return. I guess I was one of those men who would never understand women. The only difference between me and Stephanie at that moment was that she knew my dirt, it was out in the open. But, while she stood there and told me how much she loved me, all I could think about was how many men she'd cheated on me with. There was once she got so bold as to come home with the smell of one still on her. There were a lot of things a man could deal with, but smelling another man's sex on your wife wasn't one of them.
All of the shit she said about using what I'd told her about the things my mother would say and do to me as a child, that was a big factor in the deterioration of our marriage. I've never talked about my mother because dealing with the pain from that was something I'd have to deal with later. I've never had disdain for any woman the way I had contempt for my mother. Before anybody decides to judge me for my thoughts about her, I loved her, but my father walking out on her seemed to turn her into this angry bitter woman. I guess the only way to feel she was getting back at him was to humiliate me for fun. What she thought was discipline any fool would have known it was downright abuse. If the slaps across my face and head weren't enough then her verbal abuse took the cake. I think I would have favored the physical slaps, the hits with the iron, the broom, and the broken wooden bat across my shoulder over the shit that woman used to say to me. I rarely spoke to my mother and when I did it was brief.
After over fifteen years of being apart and living separately my mother and my father decided to get back together. I can say that my mother had changed. She was a different woman than she was back then and until about five years ago my father and I didn't have the best relationship. As a kid when your parents split and daddy walks out, he's automatically seen as the bad guy. Not to say that my father wasn't around when I was growing up, but for me living in that house alone with my mother, he wasn't around enough. He told me a while back that he just wanted to avoid my mother as much as he possibly could back then. They had a very antagonistic and volatile relationship so my father made the decision to leave. That never sat well with my mother, but he said he did what he thought was best for me. He told me he had seen what was going on between him and my mother when he was a kid and that he didn't want that for me. Little did he know that I would have taken seeing them fight and come out better than living with my mother alone. They both had their side of the story, but when I was a kid the only side that should have mattered was mine.
Stephanie and I stood in the middle of the front room, locked in a battle of wills. Sometimes we'd yell, other times we watched each other in a cold silent anger. No matter what I said to her to bring some peace of mind or understanding, she would always come up with some excuse to think the worst. So I got tired of talking and returned to my silent angry brooding. Of course she couldn't have that and that was when she went from telling me how much she loved me, to telling me how much she hated me for what I'd done and how much she wished the baby Chayanne carried would die.
My mind couldn't take that; something fragile in me snapped and hit me hard. That would make the second time she'd made some sort of threat against my child and flashes of me snapping and beating her ass crossed my mind. Of course, if I went there, it would be what she wanted. So there we stood, silently fighting.
After our supposed talk didn't end the way she wanted, she went back to her usual old self and I was out of the door, done with the drama.
Chyanne
I was awakened by Aric crawling into the bed with me. Because of the deep sleep I was in it took me a minute to realize what was going on.
“Aric,” I called out to him as I tried to turn and look at him.
“Yeah. Go back to sleep,” he said as he removed his glasses, placing them on the night stand behind him and getting more comfortable.
Of course my mind was going a mile a minute trying to figure out what would make him leave his home in the middle of the night and come to mine.
“You okay?” I asked once he'd wrapped his arms around me and laid his head behind mine.
“Yes. Go back to sleep.”
I could tell he was trying to brush me off and didn't want to talk about whatever it was that was bothering him.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, Chyanne. Now go back to sleep.”
I closed my eyes, but my mind was wide open. Call it what you want, but the enthusiasm in my heart had me floating. As he rubbed my stomach, I smiled to myself. I'd needed his touch and not in a sexual way. I just needed some affection. I hadn't heard from him all day and I'd been wondering if he'd been mad at me so to have had him in my bed brightened my night. His warm solid body nestled next to mine was like soft music to my ears. He'd pulled his clothes off and I could feel him semi-hardened against my backside.
“Did you eat? Do you want me to go fix you something ?” I asked because I knew he liked to eat and would get hungry at crazy times.
He chuckled before answering. “Chyanne?”
“Yes.”
“Take your ass back to sleep!” I smiled when he kissed the back of my neck.
The rest of the night was a peaceful one. Often throughout the night I would wake up to change positions in bed because being pregnant I found it hard to get comfortable easily. Sometimes I would find him awake staring off into space, other times his eyes would be closed as if he was sleeping. Lying in Aric's arm made it a little less stressful and it wasn't long before I turned to Aric and placed my lips against his. I could tell he was tired, but I'd missed his touch and needed to feel him inside of me. He returned the favor and before leaving for work he gave me what I needed.
 
 
Almost a month later, Shelley and I had everything needed in order to get the doors to Johnson & Saxton open. We decided against using the words marketing and advertising after it because it was cliché to us both. The night I'd met Shelley at the IHOP on 85 in Riverdale was the night I decided to take my future into my own hands. Aric wasn't going to give me my job back and although he'd said he would make a few calls on my behalf, I knew he didn't want me to work while I was pregnant. When both my parents had left me, one of them left a two hundred and fifty thousand dollar life insurance policy and I was the sole beneficiary. I'd never wanted to touch the money so I'd left it in a high-yield savings account and over the years the interest had grown. With that money I decided to become an equal partner in Shelley's company.
Shelley turned out to be nothing like the first impression I'd had of her. The tears in her eyes when I presented her with a two hundred thousand dollar check were evidence of that. She wasn't a stuck up phony and she worked just as hard, if not harder, than I did. She was a jokester and thought that all men were good for was making babies, but she was serious about her work and it showed. She was also married and the step mother of three kids. I could tell that there was a story behind that because of the pain that skittered across her face when she mentioned it.
Her eagerness to make the business work rubbed off on me and together we were getting things done so fast that we'd already landed our first five clients. She and I had put our heads together and came up with a list of potential clients that we knew from our previous employers. She convinced two clients from her previous employers to sign on with us and I convinced three from B&G to sign on with us. It wasn't easy. Out of a list of forty we only landed five, but it was a start and they were high-end clients.
The office was a two story plantation-style home that we had gutted and turned into our office. It was in the heart of historic Inman Park and Shelley and I had been busy cleaning, hiring, and sorting things around. She'd decided to take the second floor office for the time being because she didn't want me running up and down the stairs being that I was pregnant. It was weird for me at first being that I wasn't used to that side of the business. I was always the one doing the stuff the execs didn't want to do. At first I was nervous and scared, but as Shelley said, what's there to be scared of when you're doing what you need to do to secure a future for your child? I hadn't gotten around to telling Aric about it yet, had no idea how he would feel about it.
The day had ended and I was at home waiting for Jamie to show up. It could have been my paranoia, but ever since I'd told him that Aric was the father of my unborn child, I felt as if he'd been avoiding me. Jamie and I would have usually talked every day, but my calls had gone to voice mail and my texts went unanswered. He finally answered the phone and I invited him over, more so I could ask him what the problem was. When his black Charger pulled into the drive way, I went to unlock the door for him to let him. As usual, he looked good. His locs were always neatly done, and he always dressed to impress. That day wasn't any different. He was dressed in a pair of dark denim jeans, a purple polo style shirt, and casual loafers.
When he finally got to the door and hugged me, I could sense that there wasn't as much energy as there had been before. I closed the door and followed him to my sofa to sit.
“How've you been?” He asked after he'd sat down and gotten comfortable.
“Pretty good, same thing different day,” I answered cheerfully as I watched him.
Although there was a smile on his face, I could tell he was either uncomfortable, or he didn't want to be there.
“That's good. You look good though. That pregnancy glow works for you.”
“Thank you.”
I didn't say anything intentionally after that to see what would happen and when he didn't show his normal flair like before when we'd usually talk I'd known something was up.
“Okay Jamie, you've been acting weird for a while now, what's going on?”
He leaned forward and rubbed his hands together before answering. “I haven't been acting weird. I've just been giving you your space. You have a baby on the way and I'm sure what's his name has been occupying all of your time.”
I folded my legs underneath me and rested my arm on the back of the couch. “No and even if he had been, you can't return a phone call?”
With an exaggerated sigh he turned to me. “Look I don't know if you do this intentionally or not, but you give me mixed signals. I don't know what to expect from you and I don't know what you want from me, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that . . . I'm feeling you in a way I know you can't reciprocate. I like you Chyanne. I like you a lot and I don't know how I feel seeing you pregnant with that man's baby especially knowing how he treats you.”
All I could do was stare pointedly at him. I was not expecting him to come out and say that and I was definitely not expecting the attitude that seemed to be in his voice.
“You knew I was pregnant with his baby all along though. I didn't make that a secret. I never knew you felt that way—”
“Because you're too busy chasing after a man that doesn't know your worth.”
“I'm not chasing after him Jamie!”
“My bad, you're waiting for him to chase you,” he said sarcastically
I had no idea why he'd started to attack me, but it was clear that he was in a bad mood and taking it out on me.
“Look I didn't invite you over here so we could get into a tit for tat argument.”
“Why did you invite me over here? Why've you been calling me?”
“Because I hadn't heard from you and I got worried. Is that a crime?”
“It is when you keep playing with my feelings, and don't tell me you didn't know how I felt. Anytime you've called me I've been there. You couldn't even get Aric to answer the phone when you were in the ER pregnant with his child.”
I was starting to get pissed. “He didn't know it was his child at the time and you didn't have to come. You could have said no.”
He sighed and continued to look at me. “Are you so used to being alone that you don't know when someone is trying to be there for you? You called and I was there for you. I'm tired of always being the afterthought. The person you think to call after this asshole doesn't give you what you want. I told you before that I wasn't going to do this shit.”
I sat up to get a better look at him when I said, “I'm not forcing you to be my friend Jamie.”
“And he isn't forcing you to be his other woman. You're choosing to be,” he said blatantly being sarcastic.
I'd gotten so upset that my legs had started to shake. My nerves were on end and I could feel my blood pressure rise. I didn't know what the hell was wrong with Jamie, but he had me on the verge of being ready to put him out of my house.
“What the hell is your problem?” I asked him as my face frowned in frustration.
He stood and pulled his keys from his pocket. “My problem is you're so busy being blinded by a man who will never love you that you can't see the man standing right in front of you who wants to love you.”
“I can't help who I love and I'm tired of making excuses for it! I love Aric and I'm sorry if that hurts your feelings—”
“So instead of being this man's woman”—he spat out as he sternly pointed at himself—“you'd rather be that man's whore?”
Before I knew what I was doing and before I could stop myself I had jumped up from the couch and slapped Jamie so hard that I scared myself! My hand flew to my mouth in shock at the realization of what I'd done. The force of slap forced water to his eyes and after he rubbed his hand aggressively over his face one tear dropped down his cheek.
Once he'd walked to the door and snatched it open he turned back to me. “When he's done fucking you over and you find yourself alone.... don't call me.”
With that he slammed my door on his way out. All I could do was stand in my front room and wonder what the hell had happened. All I'd wanted to do was sit down and talk to my friend like we'd done so many times before and I didn't understand his anger. It's not like he'd ever come out and said to me that he liked me or wanted to be with me. I was not a mind reader! I didn't even understand why he'd agreed to come over if he held so much contempt for me and my love for Aric.
For the rest of the day, my thoughts were with Jamie. I'd felt so bad for slapping him that I'd tried to call him numerous times to apologize but he wouldn't answer. The image of Jamie's face and his eyes watering made my heart fall to the pit of my stomach. I'd finally left him a long message apologizing to him. I also tried explaining to him once again that I couldn't help that I'd fallen in love with Aric and that I had no idea he wanted to be with me. As I was pouring out my sincerest apology, I had to stop and think about what would have happened if I'd known Jamie had wanted to be with me? What would I have done? Thoughts of actually being with Jamie kept crossing my mind and I didn't know why I kept lying to myself, I did feel something for Jamie. It had been obvious, but I couldn't very well try to be with him knowing that Aric had my heart. It wouldn't have been right.
As the weeks went on, I still hadn't heard from Jamie and I'd gotten tired of calling and tired of being ignored. When the first three weeks of April rolled around and I still hadn't heard from him, I'd given up hope that I ever would again and put all of my focus back into work and preparing for the baby to arrive. Aric and I had been getting along better than we ever had. I mean, of course there were a few disagreements along the way, but not as bad as they had been before. I'd seen him smile and laugh more than I ever had and that brought me joy like never before. We worked well together in preparing for the birth of our child. I knew he'd still been dealing with the issues in his marriage so I tried not to stress him any further. When he told me that he was getting a divorce, my heart almost jumped out of my chest and though I wanted to be excited about what that could possibly mean for us, I held my excitement to myself.
I'd just been about to call Aric, as I was supposed to call him as soon as I left the doctor's office. I'd found out the sex of the baby and couldn't wait to tell him that he would be the proud father of a baby boy. We'd tried to find out weeks earlier, but because of the way the baby was turned we had to wait. I'd gotten so caught up in sorting through the baby's new things that I'd completely forgotten to call. I'd known he would come by after work anyway because he liked to kiss my stomach every night before he went home. I found that by then, anytime I got to spend with Aric made me happy. Whether it was him driving me to a doctor's appointment, or he and I shopping for the baby, it all made me feel like we were connecting on a different level. No, he hadn't told me he loved me, and no, I wasn't hoping he would leave his wife for me, but deep in the recesses of my heart, I was hoping for a chance at a family. I was so caught up in my thoughts of Aric, cleaning, and arranging things in the baby's room that a knock on the door startled me.

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