Temporary Bliss (19 page)

I pour another shot and down it as quick as it’s poured. My body is slowly melting into a nice numb haze. Finally!

Daniel fucking Winters. Even thinking his name stabs at my heart while also causing my stomach to flutter. How can one man have had such a sudden and profound effect on me? I never promised him hearts and flowers. I was straight up that I didn’t do relationships, definitely didn’t do commitment, but then I did something stupid and admitted that I felt whatever it was that was going on between us.

Because I did, I felt it. In all honestly, I felt it the moment our eyes locked when he handed me back my phone. Then again when he called me his beautiful stranger. And again every time he called me gorgeous and kissed my forehead. Every damn time.

But he deserves better. Maybe in another time, another place. Maybe when I’m not so determined to stick to my vow and stop protecting my heart, I could try. Too late now.

His reaction tonight ripped me apart. I’m so glad I managed to keep it together until I was alone in the elevator. If he’d seen me cry, he would have known I was hurting. He would have grabbed my hand and never let me go. He would have picked me up and carried me to his bed, laying me down and holding me close in his arms. His hands would have rubbed my back soothingly, murmuring words in my ear about how gorgeous I was, how I was meant to his, how he would protect me from the world and never let anyone hurt me, let alone him.

“I’m in so deep, I’ll take you however I can have you.”

This is the stuff dreams are made of, but I knew it would mean him sacrificing his happiness just to keep me. I would never want that for him.

“You’re meant to be mine.”

For someone so sure of herself and what she wants, and definitely doesn’t want, I’m a fucking idiot.

Another shot, another refill. My hand starts trembling with each new shot I pour. I don’t know what makes me stop. It might be when I curl up on the couch and finally let myself succumb to the pain, the loss, everything I’ve bottled up and held back for four years. An hour later, I stumble into my room, take my clothes off, and put on the first t-shirt I can find, which of course happens to be one of Daniel’s.

I black out surrounded by the smell of the man I’ve just gotten legless drunk over.

When I wake up Monday morning, I have the hangover from hell.

I drag myself out of bed and into the shower, hoping to wash away the stench of too much tequila and not enough sleep. No such luck. After calling in sick to my nursing supervisor, I crawl back into bed. A few hours later, I hear a knock at my door.

“Go away. I’m dead,” I mumble from underneath my pillow.

“You’re not dead. What’s going on, Mac? I walk in to find an empty bottle of tequila, a shot glass, and a trail of clothes leading to your door. I take it Daniel’s left already?” Kate asks, sitting down on the bed beside me.

“Daniel’s no longer a factor.”

“What?” she screeches. I groan because a screeching Kate sounds like a pack of flying bats are slamming against the empty cave inside my head.

I roll over, putting the pillow under my head and looking at my frowning best friend.

“Move over, I’m coming in,” she says as she lays down beside me and gets under the covers. “Now that I’m comfortable, you can continue,” she adds with a smirk.

“You knew it was coming, Kate. He was getting too attached. You saw him Saturday night at the bar. I loved that he went caveman on me, but that’s just it. He’s been pushing me bit by bit ever since I agreed not to see anyone else.”

Kate lies there for a minute, staring at me with soft, understanding eyes. The same eyes that were there four years ago when I hid myself away in my room for a week. “I knew this would happen. That boy was smitten the moment he met you. I kinda hoped you’d let him in, Mac.”

“I wanted to, I just couldn’t trust it.”

“Trust what?”

“The butterflies, the racing heartbeat, the way I always feel safe with him. Everything Daniel gives me feels so right, but I just can’t trust it. I know I’d either fuck it up, or he’d break my heart. So I ended it before either of us got hurt.”

“You know what he wants, Mac. You’re just not ready to give it to him, or amazingly, not even willing to consider it. Something has to give.”

“But he’s my apple pie, Kate,” I say with a pout, pretending to stamp my feet at the same time.

“He’s the warm apple pie that wants the whipped cream on top. And unless it’s in the bedroom, you’re not interested in being anyone’s cream right now, whipped or otherwise.”

I scoff. I can’t even think of a dirty comeback right now. Shit, I’ve really done a number on myself.

“You should’ve seen his face, Kate. The things he said. He said that he’s been waiting for me to catch up. He said he couldn’t even hate me for doing this.” I swallow down the lump rising in my throat.

“Hon, I think you’ve made a mistake this time. But I’m here for you. I’ll always be here for you.”

“Maybe I’m broken. Maybe my stupid vow just made me push away a good man, Kate,” I say forlornly.

“Are you going in to work?” she asks, sitting up and leaning against the headboard.

“Nope. My head feels like a freight train is running through it, and I just can’t play ‘nice nurse’ today. Not feeling like this. I feel…. I dunno, lost?”

“Has he called?” She looks over at my phone on my bedside cabinet.

I reach over and grab it, letting out a heavy sigh of disappointment when I see no texts, no missed calls. Nothing.

“I didn’t think he would.”

“Babe, I’m going to fix you some breakfast before I leave for work. I know for a fact that bottle was half full, so I’m guessing you need some food. But…” she looks over at me and gives me her best authoritarian look, “I’m only giving you one mental health day to deal with this, Mac. Because if you’re not willing to take a leap with him, even if he might’ve been the best damn thing to happen to you, then I’m not gonna let you mope around and watch life pass you by like last time.”

That’s all she needs to say. If I was ever in any doubt about how well Kate knows me, she just spelled it all out. One day to decide whether I’m going to swallow my pride and try again, or snap out of it and put it behind me.

After making me a hangover breakfast that would cure world hunger, Kate leaves me to my own devices and takes off to the salon.

I don’t know what I’m feeling right now, but it’s definitely not the relief I thought I’d feel. I thought a weight would have lifted off my shoulders now that I’ve let Daniel go, given him the chance to go find his own happiness, the life I won’t allow myself to give him. But if anything, I feel an emptiness I haven’t felt for a long time, and I don’t like it one fucking bit.

Around lunch time, I hear my phone chime with a new text message. My heart leaps in my chest, and I jump up off the couch to grab it from the kitchen counter.

It sinks again when I see that it is Sean, and not the one person I desperately want to hear from.

Sean:
You looked like you were having a great time Saturday night.

Mac:
I was rather drunk. Sorry I didn’t catch up with you.

Sean:
You looked otherwise engaged, loved the floor show. Gave me plenty of ideas ;)

Mac:
You in town this week?

Sean:
I wish I was. Back next week. We’ll catch up then.

Mac:
Yes, sir ;)

Sean:
Baby doll, my cock has ideas where you’re concerned, and he’s making those intentions clear in the back of a New York cab right now.

I giggle at that. Playful Sean is always fun, but I’m glad he’s not in town. It would be way too easy to just jump back into his bed and fuck Daniel out of my head and my heart.

I can hear Kate’s voice in my head, like she’s here in front of me and reading my thoughts. ‘No, Mac, that’s not going to help.’ Noah is totally out of the equation now. I couldn’t do that to Daniel, and seeing them at the BBQ a few weeks ago, there is no chance Noah would do that to his friend either.

Argh. This whole situation is a clusterfuck. I’ve come to realize that Daniel is everything I had hoped Beau would one day be.

I know it’s stupid to compare the two men. I mean, they’re like chalk and cheese. And to be honest, they’re not alike. If I was the type to settle down, I’d always choose Daniel. He’s always been thoughtful and chivalrous, and whenever we’re together he’s attentive and seems to have this overwhelming urge to touch me.

But it’s more than that. It’s the way he strokes my skin, the random texts in the middle of the day just to say hi...it’s a whole of lot of little things that together, create a big thing.

What the hell have I done?

Even from early on in my relationship with Beau, he was never affectionate unless he was trying to get me into bed. I also don’t think he ever had a thought for anyone else except himself, let alone have a chivalrous bone in his body. Even when we were having sex, when he took my v-card, he was greedy and took more than he would give. As the relationship progressed, he seemed to get rougher, sometimes making demands of my body that I was not accustomed to, or wasn’t willing to do. There were times when we were living in Ohio that he would open his fly and give me a knowing look before roughly gripping my hair to control the depth and movement of my actions, even holding me there until he was done.

I look back now and wonder why the hell I stayed for so long. I was so gutless and naïve back then. I knew that he was out getting drunk and high, and probably hooking up with other girls, but not once did I actually take action to change my life. Not until that fateful night.

Since I’ve been back in Chicago, he hasn’t even tried to contact me, and for that, I’m glad. In the first six months I was back, I honestly believed he would try and make things difficult, or even turn up on my parent’s doorstep begging me for forgiveness. I mean, for all he knows, I gave birth to his son or daughter.

Chalk and cheese.

Water and wine.

Apples and oranges.

Imagine if I had met Daniel in high school. I would have had an instant crush on him with those brooding eyes and the hot geek glasses that he pulls off so well. He would have been hooking up with girls left and right. Maybe I wouldn’t have even had a chance.

On the rare times Daniel and I went out in public, he was always being noticed by women...a lot! I was proud that it was me on his arm, but as soon as I started thinking like that, I also felt guilty that our ‘non-dating’ arrangement was holding him back from meeting his princess charming, or whatever the female equivalent would be.

The thought of him going on and finding someone else, a future wife, his soul mate, a woman who could fall in love with him openly and give him the type of relationship he wants...it rips me apart.

And the more I think about it, the more I wish I could be the one to give it to him. Everything. The house, the kids, the white picket fence, all of it.

I think I know what I want.

So why does it scare the shit out of me?

By the time Kate gets home from work, I’m firmly ensconced on the couch surrounded by empty junk food packaging and halfway through a tub of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey.

“Productive day?” she scoffs as she pulls a bottle of wine out of the fridge.

“You said I had one day,” I mumble around a mouthful of ice cream.

“That’s right, so any word from the man of the hour?”

“Why would I? I hurt him, Kate. You weren’t there. I shattered him,” I say, gladly accepting the glass of wine she hands me.

“So what are you going to do, babe? Because I know you can’t lie for shit, and it’s written all over your face that this is not just a friendly break-up.”

“It’s just gonna take time. Soon he’ll move on and forget all about our few months of memories. I’ll just soldier on, concentrate on work or something. And I’ve still got Sean and Zander,” I reply half-heartedly.

“Mac, don’t bullshit me. You can’t go back to what you had. Hasn’t the time you spent with Daniel shown you anything? You loved it. You shined, babe. That man showed me what a great relationship can do for you. You laughed, you smiled, you screamed our freaking roof off on a regular basis.”

And with that, the dam breaks. “Oh, Kate, I’ve really fucked this up, haven’t I?”

“Mmm hmm. But don’t you worry, Mac. You’ll get through this. You always do,” she adds, topping up my wine glass. “Here’s to learning from life’s mistakes and fixing fuck ups.”

For the rest of the week, I bury myself in work. Kate was right in giving me one day to wallow and feel sorry for myself. Tuesday through Saturday I worked my ass off. If there was a double shift, I took it. Overtime? Sign me up. The more I worked, the less time and energy I had to even think about Daniel Winters and what he might be doing.

Was he missing me? Did he want to contact me? Had he decided to run back to Nasty Nikki and create the perfect life that had been expected of them?

See, what did I tell you? Free time plus thinking equals me wondering about Daniel and what he’s doing, who he’s doing, is he thinking about me, does he miss me? It’s endless.